Secret Hospital Sketch Comedy: The Library is Closing
We've only got a few minutes and then, yes, the library will be closed.
Tags: Secret Hospital parody sketch spoof comedy funny
Added: 3 years ago
[scene opens with a group of patrons in the library, when a male librarian meekly walks in]
LIBRARIAN: [walks up to one of the male patrons] The library is closing in three minutes.
PATRON 1: [pause] Thanks.
LIBRARIAN: [pause] Three minutes.
PATRON 1: Thanks. Thank you.
[he walks over to another male patron]
LIBRARIAN: Sir, the library is about to close.
PATRON 2: I know.
LIBRARIAN: [pause] In just a little over two minutes.
PATRON 2: Yeah.
LIBRARIAN: Sir, are you checking out a book?
PATRON 2: Y'know, I'm not sure yet.
LIBRARIAN: Sir, you really need to make that decision now, as it takes me at least fifteen seconds to scan your card and log your book into our system.
PATRON 2: Alright, I'll decide in a minute.
[the librarian makes a little annoyed sound to himself, then heads back to the other patron]
LIBRARIAN: Sir, the library is closing.
PATRON 1: What, right now?
LIBRARIAN: Yes sir, right now.
PATRON 1: But I just heard you tell that guy in just a little over two minutes ...
LIBRARIAN: [pause] Well, time marches on, sir. And I assure you that we have something rather less than those two minutes.
PATRON 1: But you are open right now?
LIBRARIAN: [pause] Technically yes, sir. Uh ...
PATRON 1: Well then, relax.
[he turns and walks away, muttering under his breath]
LIBRARIAN: That's easy for you to say, sir ...
[he walks up to a male and female patron]
LIBRARIAN: Do you two have books to check out?
PATRON 3: Yeah.
PATRON 4: Yeah, these.
[he holds up two books, while the female patron has a stack of them in her arms]
LIBRARIAN: [exasperated] Well, are these all on one card?
PATRON 4: Uh, yeah.
PATRON 3: Yeah, yes.
LIBRARIAN: Uh, might I urge you to divide the books and check them out on separate cards?
PATRON 4: What?
PATRON 3: Why would we do that?
PATRON 4: Yeah, why?
LIBRARIAN: Because, sir, madam ... You have fourteen books there. And, if like any responsible library patron, you had the presence of mind to take a rudimentary glance around the facilities, you might notice the policy bulletin on the counter there, which shows the number limit of books you may have checked out on one card at the same time. That number, sir, is ten.
[he begins waving his arms around]
LIBRARIAN: So again, I urge you ... Nay, I plead with you! Divide the books so that I may use these remaining thirty seconds to get your inconsiderate fannies ... well, if you'll pardon the expression, out of my library which is about to close!
PATRON 4: Uh ...
PATRON 3: Y'know what, we'll just be over here ...
[they start to walk off, but the librarian stops them in desperation]
LIBRARIAN: No, you'll come with me now! Don't you understand, there's no time! Why is it so difficult for people to understand the rules? The library's closing!
PATRON 3: Well, I don't have a card ...
PATRON 4: She doesn't have a card.
LIBRARIAN: [balls up his fists] Well, if this isn't just a fine how-do-you-do! Don't you understand, sir, you'll have to put down those books!
PATRON 4: Ah no, it's cool, we'll just take these.
LIBRARIAN: Sir, look at the clock! It's ...
[he looks up at the clock]
LIBRARIAN: [yelling] There! There, do you see what you've done?! Do you all see what you've done?! The library's closed now and you're all still here!
[he begins pacing around the room]
LIBRARIAN: What're you doing here, the library's closed!! Get out! I can't believe the apathy and the sloth, this is disgraceful! The library's closed, what're you doing?! Get out of here! Get out of my library!!
[the two run out of the library]
PATRON 3: Fine!
PATRON 4: Alright, Jesus!
[he moves onto the first patron]
LIBRARIAN: Out of here! Get out! Get out! Get out!!
[the patron drops his books and runs off, then the librarian turns his attention to the last remaining patron]
PATRON 2: [calmly] What'd I do?
LIBRARIAN: Sir, I have never been so close in my life to pinching another man!
PATRON 2: Whatever man ...
[he backs away, then points in the librarian's face]
PATRON 2: [calmly] You're outta control ...
LIBRARIAN: Grr! If that's true, then you made me so!
[the patrons stops and gets nose to nose with the librarian]
PATRON 2: [firmly] Wait!
[the librarian stops]
PATRON 2: [pause] What time do you open tomorrow?
[the librarian falls to the ground and begins writhing around, as if he's a child throwing a temper tantrum]
LIBRARIAN: [screaming] The library hours are posted on the door outside!!
PATRON 2: Okay ...
[he runs off]
LIBRARIAN: [screaming] Have a good evening!! Aaahh!!
[with his library now empty, the librarian is able to calm down ... he gets up, sits in a chair, and picks up a book]
LIBRARIAN: [calmly] Now, where were me, Mister Woodhouse? If I remember correctly, Lord Ensworth was having tulip troubles in Kensington Gardens ...
[he smiles as he begins reading, and the scene fades to black]
Secret Hospital is a New York sketch comedy group, consisting of Michael Hartney, Rachel Korowitz, Dan McInerney and Jeff Scherer.