Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Case Study No. 0177: Mr. Archibald

Sanford and Son - The Blind Mellow Jelly Collection 2-3
Following the advice of his son Lamont, Fred donates a collection of rare jazz albums to a music library in order to get a tax write-off, but he wants them back when he finds they are valued at $500.
Tags: sanford and son redd foxx demond wilson fred lamont grady bu
Added: 3 years ago
From: Mynjunkyard
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[scene opens in the "Ethnomusic Section" of the local university's library, where a male librarian is attending to a patron]
MALE PATRON: Thank you ...
[he turns and makes his way for the door]
MR. ARCHIBALD: You're welcome.
[Fred G. Sanford walks into the library with his son Lamont, as he pushes his way past the patron (acting like he was holding the door for him)]
SANFORD: [to the annoyed patron] Uh, thank you very much ...
[they approach the front desk]
MR. ARCHIBALD: Well, good afternoon, gentlemen. What do we have here?
[Fred puts a box of records down on the desk]
SANFORD: Wadda you mean, what do we have here? This is my son here!
LAMONT: [annoyed] Man, he didn't mean nothing by it, pop ...
SANFORD: [mumbles] Don't tell me something ...
[he ignores his father and turns his attention to the librarian]
LAMONT: Uh, good afternoon. Are you the man I spoke to on the phone about the Blind Mellow Jelly record collection?
ARCHIBALD: Oh yes, you must be Mister, uh ...
LAMONT: Sanford.
SANFORD: Yeah, that's S-A-N F-O-R-D Period. Say listen, uh, are you the librarian here?
ARCHIBALD: Uh, yes I am.
SANFORD: Really? When I was a kid, librarians were always women.
ARCHIBALD: Oh, not always.
SANFORD: Well, when I was a kid, they was always women.
[Lamont pulls his father aside while Mr. Archibald inspects the records]
SANFORD: [whispering] Well, in the library, when I was a kid, librarians were supposed to be women! Unless this guy is ...
[he waves his hand in an effeminate manner, as Lamont mouths "stop it" before taking them back to the desk]
ARCHIBALD: This is quite a collection, isn't it?
LAMONT: Uh, yes. It's an authentic assortment of rare music, and we'd like to donate it to the university library.
ARCHIBALD: Oh, splendid! Wherever did you find these records?
[Fred interrupts before his son can respond]
SANFORD: In a closet!
LAMONT: [nervous] Uh, we've had them for some years in the Sanford family archives ...
SANFORD: [to Lamont] Uh, listen here ... Where'd you say we had 'em?
LAMONT: [tersely] In the archives.
SANFORD: Is that anything like a closet?
LAMONT: [to Mr. Archibald] Uh, go right ahead and examine them, Mister, uh ...
ARCHIBALD: Archibald ...
[he puts on a pair of headphones and listens to the records, as Fred looks at the librarian's bald head and snickers]
SANFORD: Archi-bald, you can say that again!
[Lamont pulls him away from the desk again]
SANFORD: What'd I do?
LAMONT: Look! Now look, will you just be quiet and let me handle this? Now, the man is gonna think this is a bunch of junk and he ain't gonna accept it! Now just don't say nuthin'!
SANFORD: I can say something, he got them things on, he don't hear nuthin' I say! Watch ...
[he turns towards the librarian and yells]
SANFORD: Personally, I think you're a fruitcake!
[Lamont tries to keep him quiet, but Sanford waves him off]
SANFORD: He can't hear! Listen ...
[he yells again]
SANFORD: You're an ugly bald-headed fruitcake!
[oblivious to the insults, the librarian takes off his headphones and addresses them]
ARCHIBALD: Marvelous! And you wish to donate this entire collection to us?
SANFORD: Yes, we wish to do that. Isn't that what we wish?
ARCHIBALD: Well, this is very generous. This is certainly going to be a welcome addition to our jazz library. How can we possibly ever thank you?
LAMONT: Well, y'see, uh uh ... Our tax consultant has requested that we obtain an estimate of the collection's value. You know, for tax purposes.
ARCHIBALD: Oh, I see. You wish to claim this donation as a tax deduction.
SANFORD: Now ya got it!
ARCHIBALD: Well now, let me see. I think it would be safe to say that you have just donated a contribution valued at, uh, five hundred dollars.
SANFORD: [stunned] You mean, these records are worth five hundred bucks?
ARCHIBALD: Right, and thank you, Mister Sanford. On behalf of the library, thank you very much ...
[he heads to the back carrying the records, as Fred turns to his son in exasperation]
SANFORD: You see that, dummy? You just gave away five hundred dollars worth of ...
[he turns and tries to go after librarian, but Lamont holds him back]
SANFORD: I want my records back!


[Fred walks into the living room from the kitchen, as Lamont sits on the couch]
LAMONT: Hey, Pop, is my breakfast ready?
SANFORD: Yeah, dummy. One breakfast for one dummy coming up ... Siddown, dummy.
LAMONT: Are you gonna start that again?
SANFORD: Yeah, I'm gonna start that again ... Talk me into giving away five hundred dollars worth of Blind Mellow Jelly records!
LAMONT: Pop, look, I already told you, man, we still get the deduction money.
SANFORD: I don't want no deduction money, I want some folding money!
LAMONT: Would you knock it off? Now, we donated those records, and it would take a miracle to get 'em back.
SANFORD: Well, what if I told 'em that Blind Mellow Jelly showed up and wants his records back?
LAMONT: Blind Mellow Jelly is dead.
SANFORD: That's the miracle.
[Lamont gets up and heads for the door]
LAMONT: I'm going down to the diner and get some coffee.
SANFORD: Look here, son. Wait a minute, don't leave ...
[Lamont stops]
SANFORD: Now, you know good and well, see, they don't even know what Blind Mellow Jelly looked like.
LAMONT: Pop, you told me yourself, Blind Mellow Jelly's been dead for over thirty years. Now, they know that.
SANFORD: Yeah, ain't no doubt about it. Blind Mellow Jelly is dead, alright.
[Bubba enters]
SANFORD: But his son ain't!


[Fred brings Bubba back to the library, "disguised" as Blind Mellow Jelly's son]
BUBBA: [trying to see through his dark glasses] Fred, I feel awful stupid.
SANFORD: Good, just keep acting natural.
BUBBA: Well, why do I have to wear these glasses?
SANFORD: You'll see, come on ...
[they walk up to the front desk]
SANFORD: [yelling and slapping the table] Hey! Anybody here?
[the nearby patrons try to shush him]
SANFORD: [to the nearest patron] Who you shushin'? Just keep on reading that stuff ...
[Mr. Archibald emerges from the back]
SANFORD: Hey! Oh, hello there, Mr. Archibald. Say, you remember me?
MR. ARCHIBALD: Oh, yes. You were here yesterday. The Blind Mellow Jelly collection. Mister, uh ...
SANFORD: Sanford. Of Sanford and Son.
MR. ARCHIBALD: What can I do for you?
SANFORD: Well, I know how you people hate to give back donations, but what if Blind Mellow Jelly showed up and asked for his records back? Could he get 'em?
MR. ARCHIBALD: But Blind Mellow Jelly is dead.
SANFORD: But his son ain't ...
[Bubba doesn't react, so Fred nudges him with his elbow]
SANFORD: His son ain't.
BUBBA: I want my daddy's records.
MR. ARCHIBALD: I beg your pardon?
BUBBA: I want my daddy's records.
SANFORD: Yeah. See, that's all he's been able to say since he found out that I gave away his daddy's records.
MR. ARCHIBALD: Are you serious? Is this really Blind Mellow Jelly's son?
SANFORD: Uh, you know Lead Belly?
SANFORD: Well, see ... Lead Belly and his father, Blind Mellow Jelly, gave Lead Belly the name "Lead Belly." And then, Lead Belly carried on the tradition by giving Blind Mellow Jelly's son his nickname ...
[he looks at Bubba's stomach]
SANFORD: Uh, "Pot Belly."
MR. ARCHIBALD: I'm not sure I understand.
SANFORD: Well, see ... uh, Blind Mellow Jelly Junior here is a friend of mine, and he gave me his daddy's records, and I took them over to my house, because he didn't have nothin' to play 'em on, so he used to come over to my house all the time and play 'em.
MR. ARCHIBALD: Well, you're both free to come here and play them any time.
SANFORD: Well, that's all right for me, see, but Blind Mellow Jelly here takes after his father. This is Blind Mellow Junior ...
[he lifts up Bubba's glasses]
SANFORD: See? Lookit them beady eyes! See, them are the only two things that his father gave him, and left him here on Earth are those records and these beady eyes.
BUBBA: I want my daddy's records.
SANFORD: Don't worry, Blind Mellow Junior. Look here, they can take away your records if they want to, but one thing they won't be able to take away from you is them beady eyes.
MR. ARCHIBALD: Well, this is unusual. Normally, when something is donated, we don't return it. But under the circumstances, I suppose there's nothing else to do.
SANFORD: I sure wanna to thank you very much, and God'll bless you.
MR. ARCHIBALD: Yes. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go get the records ...
[he heads to the back]
BUBBA: [yelling after him] I want my daddy's records!
[Fred pulls him away from the desk]
SANFORD: [whispering] You don't have to say that no more, we got 'em! Just cool it.
[Bubba takes off his glasses and smiles]
BUBBA: Did I say it right, Fred?
SANFORD: Aw listen, you were good, Lead Belly. I mean, Pot Belly. I mean ... you were good, Bubba!
[they both start loudly laughing, so the patrons shush them again]
SANFORD: What is wrong with y'all? You keep interferin' with us ...
[he makes exaggerated boxing motions towards the patron, as if he wants to pick a fight]


From tvland.com:

"Sanford and Son"
The Blind Mellow Jelly Collection
Episode: 047 | Aired: November 16, 1973

Lamont advises Fred to donate a collection of Blind Mellow Jelly records to a music library for a tax write-off. After doing so, Fred finds out from an appraiser that the records are valued at five hundred dollars. Fred, with dollar signs in his eyes, has Bubba act as though he were the son of Blind Mellow Jelly in an attempt to get them back.

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