Please Sir! - Barbarian Librarians s1e5 - John Alderton
also starring: Deryck Guyler, Noel Howlett, Joan Sanderson, Richard Davies, Erik Chitty David Barry, Peter Cleall, Peter Denyer, Liz Gebhardt, Malcolm McFee, Penny Spencer..
Bernard Hedges' touching faith in the virtues of 5C is often misplaced. The worst seems to have happened when he entrusts them with the library key in order to look after the library, outside school hours.
Tags: Please Sir s1e5 John Alderton
Added: 2 years ago
[scene opens in Fenn Street School, as the students of class 5C are being confronted by their teacher]
MR. HEDGES: Now, this period, we work on our form project.
[the students moan and groan]
ERIC: Oh no, not that bleedin' library again!
MR. HEDGES: The school library, yes Duffy. I dunno, I thought you'd be interested in a practical project ...
[he looks around at the students' blank faces]
MR. HEDGES: Hm, well surely it's more interesting than dealing in pure theory all the time.
PETER: It's still work, innit?
MR. HEDGES: You'll be giving the school a library, all you've given it so far is a bad name! You've done the cataloguing and you've built the shelves ... isn't that worth anything to you?
ERIC: Yeah, about ten and six an hour ...
[he laughs, but the teacher's expression doesn't change]
MR. HEDGES: Yes, but you're responsible yourselves, in the evenings ...
FRANKIE: Sweaty labour, that's what we are!
MR. HEDGES: The day I see you sweat at any labour, Abbott, I'll have the school bell rung in your honour ... Right! Now come on girls, carry on with the cataloguing. The rest of you b--
[the students continue to grumble]
MR. HEDGES: Well, come on, you've got the plans!
[he opens up Peter's desk, where he finds a pair of womens' underwear (which he was using as a slingshot earlier) ... he pauses as the class laughs, then turns to an attractive female student in the front row]
MR. HEDGES: Sharon, are these yours?
SHARON: Innit marvelous? The minute knickers come up, everyone starts pickin' on me!
[a (plainer) female student speaks up]
MAUREEN: They're mine, sir!
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Right, well, put them on, will you? Uh, put them away ...
[he hands them to her, then addresses the class]
MR. HEDGES: Right! Come on, girls, on with the cataloguing. And the boys, the rest of you, get the books packed and get the shelves finished.
[still grumbling, the male students head out the door while the female students go for the boxes of books at the front of the class ... meanwhile, Mister Hedges approaches one male student who remains seated]
MR. HEDGES: Well, come on, Dunstable! You're a boy!
DENNIS: No, 'cause I don't like hammerin' and holdin' nails in me mouth ...
MR. HEDGES: Well, that's what professional carpenters do!
DENNIS: No! I swallowed one yesterday ...
MR. HEDGES: Well look, you tell Duffy that you are number one spirit level man today ...
MR. HEDGES: Y'know, the thing with the bubble in it ...
DENNIS: [pause] Oh yeah!
[he gets up and runs out of the class]
DENNIS: Eric! Eric!
[he walks over to the attractive female student (the only other person left in the class), as - instead of bringing the books to the library room - she is sitting and reading a book]
MR. HEDGES: Good book, Sharon?
SHARON: Yeah ...
MR. HEDGES: Yeah well, catalogue it, don't read it!
[he takes the book and looks at the cover]
MR. HEDGES: "Male Anatomy," I might've known ...
SHARON: [whispering] Page thirty three ...
[she walks off, as Mister Hedges turns to the page and begins giggling, when the school janitor enters (so he quickly shuts the book closed)]
MR. HEDGES: Right! Uh, Mister Potter ... Uh, you've come about putting a powerpoint in the library?
MR. POTTER: Yes I have, and for your information, Miss Ewell has dragged me off my toilets to do it!
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Literally?
MR. POTTER: Yes, and I don't like junior masters going over my head to the headmaster ...
MR. HEDGES: Quite frankly, Mister Potter, I'm beginning to feel I go over your head most of the time.
MR. POTTER: Exactly. You've caught on at last, haven't you? Now look, if you'd just said to me in the first place, "Now look, Mister Potter. If you'd be so kind, when you have a moment to spare, as to put in a powerpoint for me?" ... I'd have said yes, gladly.
MR. HEDGES: [pause] No you wouldn't.
MR. POTTER: [angrily] No, because you'd have said it in a sarcastic manner, wouldn't you?
[as the students of class 5C work in the new library room (putting up shelves and cataloguing the books), Mister Hedge enters with Mister Potter carrying a tape recorder]
MR. POTTER: [annoyed] Right! Where do you want me to put this?
MR. HEDGES: I'd like you to put it right ... in the corner over there if you wouldn't mind, Mister Potter.
FRANKIE: Tape recorder? Oh, I ain't saying' nuthin', then!
MR. HEDGES: I oughta have one in the classroom, in that case.
ERIC: Hey, what's it doin' up here, then?
MR. HEDGES: Well, we've got a book library, I thought we'd start a tape library as well. Y'know, music, plays, sound effects ...
DENNIS: Grunt, grunt ... That's a pig, that is.
[Peter and Sharon roll their eyes at Dennis]
PETER: And I suppose the music will be all that Meta bleedin' Varney and that classical moody ...
MR. HEDGES: Not necessarily, we can have anything you want ... Jazz, pop, jerk, twist, wrench, hernia.
FRANKIE: I reckon we oughta get some'a Hitler's speeches, with all them drums, and everyone shoutin' "Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"
MR. POTTER: And I fought for you!
MR. HEDGES: I think you lost, Potter ... Now, I wonder if you'd mind putting in the powerpoint for me.
MR. POTTER: Oh, how very kind of you to have noticed that I'm still here, Mister Hedges.
MR. HEDGES: Well, it's very kind of you to wait, Mister Potter ... Uh, I thought just there, alright?
[he points at a spot on the wall for the electrical outlet to be installed]
MR. POTTER: Uh, no ... No, them books are in the way.
MR. HEDGES: Well if you moved them, they wouldn't be, would they?
MR. POTTER: They're educational. I'm administrative, you see.
MR. HEDGES: Right. Uh ... Duffy! You're more or less educational, aren't you? Yes, move the books, would you?
[he takes the books, then whispers behind Mister Potter as he leaves]
ERIC: Books ...
MR. POTTER: Pardon?
MR. HEDGES: Granted.
[he ignores it and walks over to the wall]
MR. POTTER: Well, if you'll just pass me my electrical installation equipment, I'll get on with it.
MR. HEDGES: Well, I couldn't touch your toolbag, Potter. I'm not administrative ... I'll have the national union of teachers after me!
[he smirks, then turns back to Eric]
MR. HEDGES: Come on lads, off you go! Oh Duffy, I want you to work out a library duty roster for 5C ...
ERIC: You mean you were serious about us stoppin' after school to open this bloomin' mausoleum?!
MR. HEDGES: Yes, it's your responsibility as an extension of your project.
ERIC: Well, I think it's a dead livery!
PETER: He'll have us bringin' our camp beds in and sleepin' here next!
MR. POTTER: I'll tell you one thing, if your hooligans are staying on after school to run this library, I declaim all responsibility!
MR. HEDGES: Right ... Gimmee the keys to the room, then.
[he holds out his hand, as Mister Potter suddenly gets uncomfortable]
MR. POTTER: What? One of my keys? Off my key ring?
MR. HEDGES: Well, stay and supervise, then ...
[he pauses, then reluctantly takes the key ring out of his pocket]
MR. POTTER: This is the first time that this key and myself have been parted ... since it was cut.
[he slowly takes the key off and hands it to Mister Hedges]
MR. HEDGES: It's only a key, Potter, it's not your child!
[he takes the key and tosses it to Eric, who adopts a mocking lilt to his voice]
ERIC: Oh, wait 'til the other little children hear this, eh? Our own little key for our own little library!
MR. HEDGES: Get out ...
[he takes a swipe at Eric, who continues to mock the teacher by taking Peter's hand and skipping out of the room]
[he turns to Mister Potter, who is cradling his key chain]
MR. HEDGES: Aw, come on Potter, cheer up ...
MR. POTTER: No! Leave me alone!
MR. HEDGES: Look, I know we've done nothing but row ever since I've been at Fenn Street, but I'm really not trying to undermine your authority. I just wanna give these kids some ... some sort of, uh, responsibility.
MR. POTTER: You might just as well give them a twenty-five pounder to play with! What, that lot? Here? After school? Bah!
[the students of class 5C are sitting and arguing about having to work after hours in the school library]
PETER: Me, a bleedin' librarian! How can I ever show me face down Vick's Mocambo Club again?
ERIC: Aw, but you're all missin' the point! I mean, Privett's trustin' us, innit he? He given us a free hand! Don't that mean nuthin' to you lot?
[after the students of class 5C spend the night in the library drinking beer and playing loud music on the tape recorder (and kicking out students from other classes who try to enter their "party"), Mister Potter confronts Mister Hedges in the classroom]
MR. POTTER: You are gonna get a complaint from Miss Fairbrother of the Evening Institute ...
MR. HEDGES: Well, I'll keep away from her 'til she's better.
MR. POTTER: I hate those sort of remarks!
MR. HEDGES: Well then, say what you mean for a change!
MR. POTTER: Alright, I will ... Miss Fairbrother is going to complain about the noise coming from your library!
[Mister Hedges, a little taken aback by the accusation, gets up and starts pacing around the room]
MR. HEDGES: Well, it couldn't have been my kids. They'd have locked up and gone home by half past six.
MR. POTTER: On paper, maybe. In fact, half past nine.
MR. HEDGES: Well, it's just over-exuberance. It ... It's like a new toy to them.
MR. POTTER: Toy, my Aunt Fanny! If you ask me, they were havin' a right ol' rave up there!
MR. HEDGES: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
MR. POTTER: I've got unreputable evidence!
MR. HEDGES: What, a ... a couple of toffee papers on the floor?
MR. POTTER: No, half a ton of empty beer bottles in my dustbin!
MR. HEDGES: Yeah well, perhaps the Evening Institute ladies are secret drinkers ...
MR. POTTER: They only drink tea, because my Ruby makes it ... And what about the smell of the smoke of tobacco fumes comin' from the library this morning, eh?
[Mister Hedges tries to laugh off the accusation]
MR. HEDGES: Alright, so they had the odd fag ...
MR. POTTER: The odd fag? The ol' Flyin' Scott never puffed up as much smoke as that! Probably not plain tobacco either, y'know ... Ah yes, I bet you they were smoking that carnaby rubbish!
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Cannabis!
[he walks back to his desk]
MR. HEDGES: They-They're not that stupid!
MR. POTTER: Alright then, alright, what about that thumpin' and bangin' that was going on, eh? Miss Lovibond was all in her dancing class under the library, and she got ceiling plaster all over her veleta!
MR. HEDGES: Alright alright, you've made your point ... Look, uh, do me a favor? Don't say anything about this to--
MR. POTTER: I've already said. I've told Miss Ewell.
MR. HEDGES: Well thanks ... mate.
[the headmistress enters]
MISS EWELL: Ah, Mister Hedges!
MR. POTTER: Yes well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get back to cleaning the headmaster's car.
MISS EWELL: Well, Mister Hedges?
MR. HEDGES: I know, you told me.
MISS EWELL: Oh, I'm not gloating. I'm just considering the appropriate steps I should take.
MR. HEDGES: Well, let me deal with them!
MISS EWELL: I meant the appropriate steps with you.
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Oh, well ...
MISS EWELL: On the other hand, I can't construe your desire to trust your form as reprehensible.
MR. HEDGES: Oh well, thank you very much.
MISS EWELL: Just silly and immature.
MR. HEDGES: Well, not anymore! They've aged me! I'm fed up with my martyred belief in this class ... For tonight, they burn!
[he angrily storms out of the classroom, then cut to the students of class 5C inside the library (smoking cigarettes and drinking)]
ERIC: Look, let's keep it down a bit tonight, eh? When the Evening Institute starts, we don't want the old bag knockin' on the door again ...
SHARON: She couldn't have reported us, could she? Because no one's given us a rocking today ... Oh, Privett's been as good as gold all day!
MAUREEN: Oh bless him, he's such a trusting soul!
PETER: Thank god!
DENNIS: Sir's coming! Quick, hide!
[the students rush to put out their cigarettes and get into "position" (i.e. sitting at the tables and reading)]
PETER: What're we gonna do in here, disguise ourselves as books?!
FRANKIE: I'm goin' home!
[he tries to run out the door, but Eric grabs him]
ERIC: Get back in your pram and cool it, Frankie! We're doin' our library duty, ain't we?
[as everyone scrambles into their seats, there's a quiet knock at the door, and Dennis lets their teacher in]
MR. HEDGES: [calmly] Uh, may I come in for a moment?
[he steps in, as everyone is all smiles]
ERIC: Hello, chief! Want a book?
MR. HEDGES: No thanks, Duffy, I just popped in to ...
[he stops and sniffs the air, then turns to Dennis]
MR. HEDGES: Just popped in to see if you've got everything organized.
DENNIS: Oh yes, we have, and we ain't got no bottles yet!
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Uh, bottles?
PETER: Bottles ... Yeah, uh, y'know! Ink bottles! For writing on the cards!
[he innocently holds up an index card, as Mister Hedges continues to play dumb]
MR. HEDGES: Oh, I see! Just for a moment there, I thought you were talking about ... um, beer bottles.
DENNIS: Oh yes--
[Peter grabs Dennis and puts his hand over his mouth, as Mister Hedges simply starts laughing (so all of the students nervously laugh with him)]
ERIC: Yeah, beer bottles! Ha!
MR. HEDGES: That's funny, you seem to have more staff than customers at the moment ...
ERIC: You can never tell! There might be a rush later on!
MR. HEDGES: Yes, quite probably ... Well, that's all splendid.
[he heads for the door]
MR. HEDGES: I leave you all to carry on with tonight's ... festival of the arts. Goodnight.
[they all say "Goodnight" as he walks out, and Dennis quickly closes the door behind him]
ERIC: It's like takin' candy off a baby, innit?
[he and Peter celebrate, while Maureen gets a guilty look on her face]
MAUREEN: Well, I'm beginnin' to feel a bit rotten!
ERIC: Oh, forget it, Maur! Come on, have a dance! Music maestro, please!
[Peter turns on the tape recorder, but - instead of playing music - they hear the stern voice of Mister Hedges]
MR. HEDGES: "This is Mister Hedges ... If you yobs aren't out of here within five seconds, I'll take the elastic out of Maureen's knickers and throttle the lot of you!"
ERIC: Oh my god, we've been rumbled ...
[all of the students run out of the library, as Mister Hedges (standing in the hallway with his arms crossed) watches them and smiles]
MR. HEDGES: Goodnight, children ... see you in the morning.
[after finding the library torn up and in shambles (and blaming the students of class 5C), Mister Hedges hears the headmaster and headmistress approaching, so he closes the door behind him and stops them in the hallway before they can see the mess]
MR. CROMWELL: Oh Hedges, I was just looking for you! Now, will you tell Duffy that I'm desperately sorry, but nobody seems to know about his bubbles.
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Uh, should I know about his bubbles, sir?
MR. CROMWELL: Oh no no no no, you shouldn't, but the point is Duffy wanted to know about the bubbles in the spirit level ... Well now, that's item one. Item two, uh, couldn't we go in and chat?
MR. HEDGES: No!
MISS EWELL: Why not?
MR. HEDGES: Why not? Um, right, why not? Uh, because the uh ... the uh, walls. Still a bit wet.
MR. CROMWELL: Ah.
MISS EWELL: What are you talking about?
MR. CROMWELL: No no no, understood, old man. Understood. Then item two ... uh, what was item two, Doris?
MISS EWELL: Uh, the governors, headmaster.
MR. CROMWELL: Oh yes yes yes, of course! Hedges, I'm having the governors for lunch.
MR. HEDGES: I do hope you enjoy them, sir.
MR. CROMWELL: Oh yes, I'm sure I shall, they're very pleasant. But the point is, after lunch, I'm bringing them along so that you can show them the library!
MR. HEDGES: Oh ...
[he makes quiet wincing noises and clutches at his heart]
MISS EWELL: Is that all you have to say?
MR. CROMWELL: Oh, I think he's a little overwhelmed, aren't you Hedges?
MR. HEDGES: Yes, I'm ... ever so overwhelmed!
MR. CROMWELL: Well now, we mustn't keep the big brass waiting ... Hedges, do you think your whats-its will be dry in about an hour's time?
MR. HEDGES: Well, I put a four- to seven-hour slow-drying gloss, but I'll ... blow on them or something.
MR. CROMWELL: Ah, splendid! Come along then, Doris!
[they leave, as Mister Hedges re-enters the library and nervously surveys the damage (overturned tables, books on the floors, shelves falling off the walls, etc.)]
MR. HEDGES: An hour ... well, that's sixty minutes. That's three thousand six hundred seconds!
[he smiles, trying to talk himself into it, but then his face collapses]
MR. HEDGES: That's impossible! Aw hell ...
[he tries to make some order out of the mess, when Eric walks in]
ERIC: Hey chief--
[he looks around with a shocked look on his face]
ERIC: Here! That's our library you're smashing up!
MR. HEDGES: I'm smashing up? You did the smashing, you and your thugs masquerading as children!
ERIC: We never!
MR. HEDGES: Well, who's responsible for this lot then, mice?!
ERIC: I dunno, but I'm gonna bloody well find out!
[he storms off, as Mister Hedges chases after him]
MR. HEDGES: You come back here and apolog--
[he bumps into Mister Potter, who is trying to enter the library]
MR. POTTER: Do you mind not shouting in my face?
MR. HEDGES: Potter, thank goodness ...
[he leads Mister Potter inside, who looks around at the mess (barely able to conceal a smirk on his face)]
MR. POTTER: Ay ay, well ... Typical, yeah. That's what you get through knocking national service on the end.
MR. HEDGES: Yes. Look, anything you say Potter, only ... only get your toolbag and help me out. Look, the school governors' coming in an hour's time--
MR. POTTER: Do you know what time it is now?
MR. HEDGES: Yes, that's the whole point!
[Mister Potter smiles broadly]
MR. POTTER: It is thirteen hundred hours, which is my lunch break, and no little jumped-up know-all like you is gonna keep me from my Ruby's hot pot.
MR. HEDGES: She'll keep it warm for you, I'm sure she will ...
[he takes Mister Potter's hand (in a bid to gain his sympathy), but he pulls it away]
MR. POTTER: What're you doing? Here, well I daresay there's something I could do ...
MR. HEDGES: Oh thanks, Potter. I-I'll never call you another nasty name.
MR. POTTER: Yes ...
[he walks over to the electric outlet on the wall, taps it once, then smiles]
MR. POTTER: Ah yes ... Yes, my powerpoint's alright.
[he turns and leaves]
MR. POTTER: Good afternoon, Hedges.
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Fascist!
[after getting a confession out of Graham Webster (a student in class 5B who wanted revenge for not being allowed inside the library "party"), the students head for the library, where Mister Hedges is making a futile attempt to try and fix the damage]
MR. HEDGES: I'll go sick ... Yeah, that's it, I'll have a nervous breakdown.
[members of class 5c barge in, each holding a member of 5B (including Maureen wielding a hatpin at one of the guilty party)]
ERIC: Here's your guilty party! Webster and his mob from 5B!
PETER: Green jealous, they was! That's why they smashed it up!
MR. HEDGES: Is this true, Webster?
GRAHAM: Yes, sir ... Give in, give in!
MR. HEDGES: Alright, Duffy, release the backhammer.
[Eric lets go of Graham's arm]
MR. HEDGES: Right, Webster and fellow 5B mobsters, I don't know how long it took you to smash this place up, but you've got exactly forty five minutes to put it together again.
PETER: That's the hammer, give 'em a time limit!
MR. HEDGES: We've already got one, the governors are coming in then.
ERIC: Stone me!
MAUREEN: And we was gonna say sorry and all, sir ...
MR. HEDGES: Yes ...
[he takes the hatpin out of her hand]
MR. HEDGES: Uh, thank you, thank you ...
[Frankie enters holding a little girl by the arm]
FRANKIE: Get in there! Here ya are, sir, here's another 5B'er I rounded up!
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Abbott, she's from 1A!
FRANKIE: Well, she could be one'a dem moles, couldn't she?
MR. HEDGES: Who's she supposed to be, Bonnie Parker?
[he pats the girl on the head]
MR. HEDGES: Alright dear, sorry. Off you go.
[she turns, stomps on Frankie's foot, then leaves]
FRANKIE: Oh, me thyroid!
MR. HEDGES: Oh, get on with it ...
ERIC: Here chief, this is gonna take some time. Here, do you think you could hold the governors up for a bit when they get here?
MR. HEDGES: Right. Yeah, look, I'll go and have my nervous breakdown in the corridor.
ERIC: Alright, come on, get on with it!
[everyone starts working to clean up the library, while Frankie (still holding his foot) taps Eric on the shoulder]
FRANKIE: Eric, Eric ... I think I'll have a lie-down.
ERIC: You lie down, Abbott, and you won't get up 'cause you'll be six feet under! Now get on!
[after Mister Hedges stalls the governors for as long as he can (as Mister Potter is attempting to speed things along so that the headmaster can see the damage), he notices Peter and Sharon walking arm-and-arm out of the library]
PETER: Hello, sir.
[he elbows Mister Hedges in the ribs before quickly walking off]
MR. HEDGES: Right ... Well, I mustn't take anymore of your time, sir. I wondered if you'd like to take a look at the library?
MR. HARVEY: Oh, thank you.
MR. POTTER: Would you follow me please, sir? Allow me to open the doors for you ...
[Mister Potter opens the door, but his face falls when he walks in to find a cleaned-up library (complete with Frankie and Dennis sitting and quietly reading at the table)]
MR. CROMWELL: Well, um, now here are some of Mister Hedges' willing leftenants ...
MR. HARVEY: I must say, this is all very impressive. Very impressive.
[he walks over to Eric standing at the front desk (where Maureen is sitting bent over a typewriter)]
MR. HARVEY: What are you doing, young man?
ERIC: Uh, I'm cross-referencing the author/subject index, sir.
MAUREEN: And I'm ann--
[she falters, so Mister Hedges leans in and whispers in her ear]
MR. HEDGES: "Annotating" ...
MAUREEN: --otating, sir.
MR. HARVEY: Very good, very good! My word, I could do with you two in my bank!
[cut to the headmaster standing next to Dennis (who has his face covered behind a copy of the "Financial Times")]
MR. CROMWELL: And here's our little bubble boy!
[he lowers the newspaper and smiles]
DENNIS: Hello ...
MISS EWELL: And what are you reading, Abbott?
[he looks up from his book]
FRANKIE: "Flowers and Trees of the British Countryside" ...
MR. HARVEY: Very good, Cromwell, very good ... Uh, I don't see many borrowers?
MR. CROMWELL: Um ... Hedges?
[he looks over to Mister Hedges, who tries to surreptiously whisper to Eric]
MR. HEDGES: Duffy?
ERIC: Oh, they'll be floodin' in any minute!
MR. HEDGES: [pause] Yes, of course they will, they'll be flooding in ... any minute.
[the door suddenly opens, as a couple of young children enter (as Mister Hedges' nervousness is replaced with a smile)]
MR. HEDGES: Any, uh, any minute now!
[he quickly turns to Eric]
MR. HEDGES: [whispers] How did you work this one, Duffy?
[he shrugs, then cut to Peter and Sharon standing in front of a long line of young schoolchildren]
PETER: Alright then, what's it gonna be? Fag off of me, or kiss off of Sharon?
[he holds up a pack of cigarettes to the boy at the front of the line, but he points at Sharon]
BOY: Kiss off of Sharon!
[she gets a disappointed look on her face, as Peter picks up the boy so that he's nose to nose with her]
SHARON: Come on, then ... God, bit of a comedown from air hostess, innit?
[she gives him a kiss, then cut back to inside the library]
MR. CROMWELL: Well done, Hedges, first class!
[he points at the tape recorder]
MR. CROMWELL: But um, what is the tape recorder for?
MR. HEDGES: Well, I'm starting a tape library, sir.
MR. CROMWELL: Ah ...
MR. HARVEY: Oh, what a splendid idea! Uh, what's on here?
[he presses the play button, as Mister Hedges' prerecorded message from earlier plays]
MR. HEDGES: "This is Mister Hedges ... If you yobs aren't out of here within five seconds, I'll take the elastic out of Maureen's knickers and throttle the lot of you!"
[everyone gets a shocked look on their face, as Mister Hedges tries to sneak out of the library (but Mister Potter steps in his way), and the scene fades to black]
Please Sir! is a London Weekend Television produced situation comedy, created by writers John Esmonde and Bob Larbey and featured the actors John Alderton, Deryck Guyler, Joan Sanderson, Noel Howlett, Erik Chitty and Richard Davies. The series ran for 55 episodes between 1968 and 1972.
The programme was set in the fictional Fenn Street school, and starred John Alderton as Bernard Hedges, a young teacher fresh out of training college. The supporting cast included Deryck Guyler, Joan Sanderson and Richard Davies. The students of class 5C were played by David Barry (as Frankie Abbott), Peter Cleall (as Eric Duffy), Peter Denyer (as Dennis Dunstable), Liz Gebhardt (as Maureen Bullock), Malcolm McFee (as Peter Craven; played by Leon Vitali in fourth series episode "Old Fennians Day"), and Penny Spencer (as Sharon Eversleigh; played by Carol Hawkins in fourth series episode "Old Fennians Day" and in the movie). Bernard Hedges and the 5C pupils were replaced by a new teacher and pupils for the final series in 1971–72. Several well-known character actors and actresses formed the supporting cast, including Mollie Sugden as a parent of a 5C student, Barbara Mitchell as Frankie Abbott's mother, Ann Lancaster as Mrs Rhubarb in a 1968 episode.
Please Sir!: Season 1, Episode 5
The Barbarian Librarians (9 Dec. 1968)
Hedges' latest plan to turn 5C into towering intellectual geniuses is the creation of a library, open after school hours and supervised by Deryck Guyler's Norman Potter. The caretaker isn't keen on the idea though. With him out of the way, the class are free to use the place for non-curricular activities, such as smoking and drinking.
The teacher works out what they are up to and leaves behind a message on the library tape recorder, promising to throttle them using the elastic from Maureen's knickers. Hearing this, they flee from the room.
More trouble comes when Hedges finds the place vandalised, and wrongly assumes that 5C are responsible. Duffy and co. track down the real culprits - a gang of yobs from 5B, led by Graham Webster, out for revenge for having earlier been brutally evicted from the library by Duffy.
With a visit from the Board Of Governors imminent, Hedges tries to get the room tidy in time...