Paula Stewart on The Joey Bishop Show TV Classic
Paula Stewart, with Jack Carter in the Joey Bishop Show.
Paula and Jack are assisting Joey in his proposal of marriage to Joey's girlfriend Ellie the Librarian.
Tags: Paula Stewart Jack Carter The Joey Bishop Show Variety TV Classic
Added: 3 months ago
[scene opens with a flashback, as the Carters are sitting in a restaurant waiting for Joey and his future wife Ellie (played by Abby Dalton)]
WAITER: Hiya, Jack. Hello, Misses Carter.
PAULA CARTER: Hello.
WAITER: You folks ready to order yet?
PAULA CARTER: No, we're waiting for another couple.
JACK CARTER: Yeah, Prince Rainier and Grace.
WAITER: You so funny, how come I never saw you on the Tonight Show?
[the waiter leaves]
PAULA CARTER: Gee, I wonder why they're so late?
JACK CARTER: Oh, Joey probably had a meeting with one of his writers.
PAULA CARTER: You mean he's not picking up Ellie?
JACK CARTER: Are you kidding? Since when does Joey go around picking up girls?
PAULA CARTER: [condescendingly] Ha ha ha ha ...
JACK CARTER: He told her he's gonna meet her here later ... Hey, y'know something? I think he's really stuck on her.
PAULA CARTER: Well, he's got pretty peculiar ways of showing it. The other night he took her to the Copa, and when Tony Bennett got him up to take a bow, he ended up doing forty minutes and left her there sitting alone! Now what kind of a romance is that, I ask?
JACK CARTER: Oh, come on baby! You know how it is with us ... I get up somewhere to take a bow, and before you know it, I kill an hour pleasantly, y'know.
JACK CARTER: And if there's applause, I might even do a little more ...
PAULA CARTER: A little more even if there's no applause.
JACK CARTER: There's always applause ... I may start it, but there's always applause!
PAULA CARTER: Well, you remember the night we went to dinner and he spent the whole evening signing autographs.
JACK CARTER: Well, what're you gonna do, honey? If fans ask for autographs, you gotta sign!
PAULA CARTER: Yeah well, according to Ellie, Joey asked them!
JACK CARTER: Oh ... that's Joey!
PAULA CARTER: Yeah. Well, of course, I can go along with a gag like that. I'm in show business, but ... well, poor Ellie, she doesn't understand.
JACK CARTER: Yeah.
[a young woman enters and walks up to the table]
ELLIE BARNES: Hi Paula!
PAULA CARTER: Oh, hi Ellie!
JACK CARTER: Hey!
[she sits down as Jack stands up]
ELLIE BARNES: Oh, don't stand up, Jack!
PAULA CARTER: Oh, don't be misled, honey ... uh, standup comedians can't sit still too long!
JACK CARTER: Very humorous, what kind of a crack was that? Are you insinuating that I am not a gentleman?
PAULA CARTER: I certainly am!
JACK CARTER: When I take you to a poolroom, don't I let you shoot first?
PAULA CARTER: Only because I'm paying!
[they both laugh, as Ellie looks around]
ELLIE BARNES: Joey here yet?
JACK CARTER: No, didn't he call you and tell you he'd meet you here?
ELLIE BARNES: Well yes, but I thought he'd be here by now.
JACK CARTER: Well, listen honey. Y'know us, you can't depend on us ... show biz has no regular hours.
PAULA CARTER: Yeah, and the only time they're on time is showtime.
ELLIE BARNES: Well, in defense of Joey, I must say he was on time once.
PAULA CARTER: No!
ELLIE BARNES: He was gonna take me to a party, and he said he'd be at my apartment at eight o'clock, and at eight o'clock he was there!
JACK CARTER: Good!
ELLIE BARNES: To tell me he couldn't make it.
JACK CARTER: Well, that's how it goes, there you are ... That's Joey, that's show biz!
ELLIE BARNES: Well, I understand he can't always be on time, but when he's late, he dismisses it with a joke. Like last Saturday night, he was gonna take me to a party, and he was a half an hour late. And y'know what he said?
JACK CARTER: Oh, he probably said "I'd have been on time, but my stockings are guaranteed not to run!"
ELLIE BARNES: That is exactly what he said!
JACK CARTER: The nerve'a that guy ... that's my joke!
PAULA CARTER: Ellie, you'd better learn to grin and bear it, 'cause if you're married to a comedian, you'll hear nothing but jokes!
JACK CARTER: Mmm.
[she gets an uncomfortable look on her face]
ELLIE BARNES: Married? Heh, who said anything about marriage?
JACK CARTER: I've got a sneaking suspicion that when this dinner is over, you're gonna be wearing something on the third finger of your left hand ... mustard!
JACK CARTER: Hey, Joey!
JOEY BARNES: Sorry I'm late.
[he sits down]
ELLIE BARNES: Oh, that's okay.
JOEY BARNES: Kept you waiting long?
ELLIE BARNES: No, as a matter of fact, I had to work late too.
JOEY BARNES: Oh?
ELLIE BARNES: A new shipment of books came into the library.
JOEY BARNES: Oh ... I'll tell you one thing, they never had librarians like this when we were kids. If they did, boy, I would've taken out the librarian and left the book on the shelf! The way you look tonight, I would've been about ninety dollars overdue!
JACK CARTER: Oh, he's hot tonight!
JOEY BARNES: Hungry?
ELLIE BARNES: Oh, I'm starved!
JACK CARTER: Yeah, well ... you know, there's no vitamins in library paste!
ELLIE BARNES: [pause] Oh, I get it!
[she laughs, as the waiter returns]
WAITER: Folks, ready to order?
[he starts passing out menus]
JOEY BARNES: Yeah, I tell you what, there won't be any need for menus. It's gonna be a little celebration, and uh ... and I suggest caviar.
JACK CARTER: Oh, I don't like caviar.
PAULA CARTER: No, me neither.
ELLIE BARNES: No, I don't like caviar, either.
JOEY BARNES: Well then, forget it, there's no use killing a whole caviar just for one person.
JACK CARTER: You're wild tonight!
WAITER: Henny Youngman did the same joke last week with an elephant ...
[he leaves, then another male comedian enters]
JOEY BARNES: Hey, Herk!
HERKIE STYLES: Hey! Joey, Jack!
JACK CARTER: Herkie! Herkie, baby!
[he sits down]
HERKIE STYLES: Boy, am I glad to see you guys! Hi, Paula!
PAULA CARTER: Hi!
HERKIE STYLES: Well, I open at the Rainbow Room in Jersey tomorrow and I need some opening lines.
JACK CARTER: Opening lines ... Rainbow Room, Rainbow Room. Oh, you come right out and say, "Rainbow Room, glad to be here! Uh, when you get your check, your face'll turn all colors!"
JOEY BARNES: Then you turn around, take a look at the band. Say, "Folks, this band used to work at the Starlight Roof. One year, they voted this band the band most likely to be shoved off!"
HERKIE STYLES: Oh, you're on top! Come on, I need some more!
JACK CARTER: Let's see, dressing room. Uh ... Oh! "The boss sent me a big basket of fruit, luckily I wasn't in the dressing room when it exploded!"
JOEY BARNES: I'll give you a great one!
HERKIE STYLES: Good!
JOEY BARNES: So far, you may not even open the way we're going ...
HERKIE STYLES: Yeah!
JOEY BARNES: But I'll give you another one ... Just say "It's my opening night, and I'm as nervous as a New York Mets outfielder!"
HERKIE STYLES: Oh, beautiful zinger!
PAULA CARTER: Fellahs, uh, excuse us, please, but I think we'd like to go tease our hair.
[Paula and Ellie get up to leave, as Jack and Herkie continue to discuss material]
JOEY BARNES: Okay ... don't be long, 'cause I'm starved.
[Ellie gives him a dirty look, but he doesn't seem to notice, and continues the discussion with the other two comedians]
HERKIE STYLES: Listen now, when I do the "trouble" bit and I take the breaks, right? I need some funny poems.
JACK CARTER: Oh, a little poem. Little cuties ... Joe, you know a couple. Oh, wait a minute! "Roses are red, violets are blue, I kicked my girl with an Army shoe!"
The Joey Bishop Show
Season 3, Episode 14 - "Jack Carter Helps Joey Propose"
Synopsis: In a flashback, Jack Carter and his wife double date with the Barneses.