the sexy effects of the cozy corner library.
What happens when a librarian refuses to hire a crazed woman? FIND OUT! this video could give you squirrel aids.
Tags: crazy muffin man library shooting murderer books stalker working slap random happiness
Added: 3 years ago
[scene opens with a young female librarian handing a book to a patron off camera]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Well, enjoy your books, Misses Robertson! Alright, bye! Oh, tell Patti I said hello!
[she laughs, then starts writing something down while talking to herself]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I love my job at Cozy Corner Library!
[she suddenly jumps back, as another young woman emerges from underneath the desk]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Oh my god!
WANDA HIGGINS: Hello!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Hello ... Um, can I help you?
WANDA HIGGINS: Yes, I am Wanda!
[she takes her hand and shakes it]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Wanda, Misses Dappleburger ... Uh, I need you to go back to the other side--
WANDA HIGGINS: Oh, I have a really important question, though!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: How can I help you, besides your wardrobe?
[she chuckles to herself]
WANDA HIGGINS: Are y'all hirin'?
[she takes a manilla folder out]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Um, well ...
[she takes the papers inside and throws them behind her]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: We don't actually have any applications, so no, I'm sorry! We-we're not hiring! Mm-mmm!
WANDA HIGGINS: Oh, don't worry about those ... I have some back home! I'll just fill one out after a bath, since it's been twelve days and all, I probably should take one]
[Dappleburger covers her nose]
WANDA HIGGINS: You can expect me back here at the Cozy Library tomorrow morning!
[she gags a little]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Uh, ma'am, we have a policy ...
WANDA HIGGINS: A policy?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: A policy ...
WANDA HIGGINS: What kind of policy?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: It's about muffins!
WANDA HIGGINS: Muffins?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: [whispers] Muffins ...
WANDA HIGGINS: Do you even know the Muffin Man?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: The one that lives on Drury Lane?
WANDA HIGGINS: Yeah, that's the one!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Yes ... I know him. I loved him. I'd do him.
[they both stop and stare at each other, as the background music stops playing]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I'm just kidding, I don't do the Muffin Man, and I turned the music off because it was annoying ... but yes, a policy!
WANDA HIGGINS: Hmm, what is this policy? Fire away!
[she takes out a lighter and begins flicking it on and off, before putting it away again]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Alright, I will ... Only humans can work here!
WANDA HIGGINS: I am human!
[she starts hissing like Hannibal Lecter]
WANDA HIGGINS: See?
["The Next Day" appears on screen, then cut to Dappleburger (wearing dark glasses and a trenchcoat) talking to a "man" in a different room]
MR. HAGGARD: Why did you relocate your library to this place?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I told you, Mister Haggard, I had to go in hiding after that one woman Wanda came and tried to work with me! And then, I saw her watching me take a shower! She changed my toothpaste into fish smears, and I don't even know what that is!
MR. HAGGARD: Oh, I know what that is, ma'am, but I'm afraid you don't wanna know!
[she hugs him]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: You're my best friend, Mister Haggard!
MR. HAGGARD: I know.
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: You should know before anyone else knows why I had to relocate my library!
MR. HAGGARD: There's no need to go into a ton of spasms, I can help you.
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Sometimes I just don't know what to do if I can't spasm myself!
MR. HAGGARD: Stop, relax. Relax, we can get through this together.
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: [whispers] We can ...
["1 Hour Later" appears on screen, then cut to Dappleburger speaking into her cellphone]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Haggard? It's me ... No, no! No, Wanda's not here, I'm fine. I just, I just wanted to call and thank you for coming by today and telling me that everything was going to be alright. I mean, I really appreciate that you're going to protect me from that stinky, smelly, raunchy, ugly-ass creature!
[Wanda suddenly peeks in from behind her, before receding back off camera]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I just, I don't even know what I would do without you, just thank you ... Okay, alright, I will. Yeah. Yeah, I will, I will. Alright, thanks. Bye.
[she hangs up, then Wanda (hiding her face with a cowboy hat) walks up to her]
WANDA HIGGINS: Can I get a book?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Um, yes. Anyone can check out a book ...
[she throws off her hat]
WANDA HIGGINS: Good!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Oh my god, Wanda!
WANDA HIGGINS: That's right, twinkletoes! Raunchy Wanda's here!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Oh, uh ... I wasn't talking about you! There's other Wandas in the world, and I--
WANDA HIGGINS: Really?!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I swear to god, I swear to god, I swear to god, I swear to god, I swear to god ...
WANDA HIGGINS: Shut up! You know what I want!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Wanda, how did you find me?
WANDA HIGGINS: I can smell you from a mile away!
[she inhales deeply]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Oh, that's disturbing ... Can you really?
WANDA HIGGINS: Oh yeah ...
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: W-waddaya want?
WANDA HIGGINS: You know what I want!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: What do you want from me?!
WANDA HIGGINS: I want a job!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: You can't work here ...
WANDA HIGGINS: Why not?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: You just can't!
WANDA HIGGINS: Why not?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: You will never work here!
WANDA HIGGINS: Yes I will!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: No you won't!
WANDA HIGGINS: Yes I will!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: No Wanda, you won't!
WANDA HIGGINS: Yes I will!
[Dappleburger slaps her in the face, then immediately regrets it]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I'm really really sorry, Wanda ...
WANDA HIGGINS: Oooh! It's too late for that! You can kiss your job ... goodbye!
[she pulls down her pants and slaps her behind, then leaves]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Oh geez, oh geez, oh geez! What am I gonna do without my job?
["The Next Day" appears on screen, then cut to Dappleburger crying and packing up her things, as Wanda (wearing a white bathrobe and a drawn-in unibrow) enters]
WANDA HIGGINS: Well, I certainly hope you've learned not to mess with the best!
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I lost my job, Misses Higgins!
[she blows her nose]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Lost it!
WANDA HIGGINS: Yes, and I ... have gained it.
["Later That Day" appears on screen, then cut to Wanda speaking with a "man" in a cowboy hat]
MR. SIPPY: Misses Higgins, I'm Mister Sippy, what's up? How are you?
WANDA HIGGINS: I'm fine, how are you?
MR. SIPPY: Good, good, good! I am the mayor of this beautiful beautiful town. Um, this library used to belong to Misses Dappleburger. She's no longer managing this library, not after what she did to you!
WANDA HIGGINS: I know, it was quite horrific ...
[Mr. Sippy leans in close, as Wanda backs away]
WANDA HIGGINS: Sorry?
MR. SIPPY: Sorry ... Um, lemmee catch my breath, you're a beautiful woman.
WANDA HIGGINS: Oh, thank you.
MR. SIPPY: I want you to be the manager of this library! Is that gonna be a possibility with you, ma'am?
WANDA HIGGINS: I would love to!
["Even Later That Day" appears on screen, then cut to Wanda writing in a notepad when Dappleburger (hiding her face with a parasol) walks up behind her]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Um, hello.
WANDA HIGGINS: Yes, just a minute ... What'cha need, darling?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: I need a book
WANDA HIGGINS: What're you lookin' for?
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: A mischievious book!
[Wanda turns to check her computer, as Dappleburger drops the parasol and pulls out a "gun"]
WANDA HIGGINS: Alright, I think we have one in the system, but I'm not real sure--
[she shoots Wanda in the back, then wheels her out of the library, before turning and speaking directly to the camera]
MRS. DAPPLEBURGER: Got that beeyotch!
["The End!" appears on screen]
Mrs. Dappleburger - Savannah
Ms. Wanda Higgins - Shae
Mr. Sippy - Savannah
Director - Savannah
Film Editor - Savannah
Ideas - Savannah
Anything you laughed at - Savannah
And everything else - Savannah
Just kidding. We love Shae!