Bill Hutkins: Library Cop (short film) - Part 1
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The epic saga of a pathetic but lovable Library Cop named Bill.
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Tags: idtv bill hutkins library cop comedy sketch mustache glasses douchbag dooshbag college humor
Added: 4 years ago
From: IDTVshow
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[scene opens with a male security guard (overweight, sunglasses, fake mustache, large keychain on his belt) pushing a book back on the shelf, then turning and speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: This isn't the most glamorous job in the world, but somebody's gotta do it. Somebody's gotta keep the punks from, y'know, smokin' their dope and having their unprotected sex in these great hallowed halls. And that guy is me, y'know?
[he peeks around the corner (as if expecting to find a perpetrator there)]
BILL: Let's say, uh, one day you're just readin' a Charles Dickenses book, y'know what I'm sayin'? And uh, some crazy doucheface comes along and uh ... just totally whips their balls out, and puts it on top'a your book? Who's gonna stop them? This guy. That's right, I'm a library security guard.
Stunderwood Productions Presents ...
A Drew Stewart Film
Matt Underwood
Caroline Ragsdale
Louie Marrero
Bill Hutkins: Library Cop
["Rules and Regs" appears on screen, then cut to Bill pointing at a "Quiet Area" sign]
BILL: Heh heh ...
[cut to various shots of Bill making his rounds through the library with his flashlight]
BILL: [in voice over] My, uh, fadder was a security guard. His fadder was a security guard ... Uh, his fadder worked at a gas station. It killed him every single day, which is why our fadders got into this fine profession.
[cut to Bill taking a male patron's wallet and throwing it across the room]
BILL: Try to get a hold of your dope now, huh?
[cut to Bill sneaking up behind another male patron holding a book, as he points his flashlight at the back of his head]
BILL: Library's closed, chief.
[the patron drops his book in surprise, then cut to another shot of the patron walking through the library while holding a paper cup ... as Bill walks up behind him and slaps the cup out of his hand]
BILL: Jerkface!
[cut to a closeup of a map of the library, with "No beverages are allowed in the colored areas" written on it]
BILL: [in voice over] As you can see, uh, beverages are not allowed in the library.
[cut to Bill standing in front of a glass cabinet filled with beverage containers, marked "Beverage Policy"]
BILL: This here is a little, uh, window of my collections here. That I've, uh, confiscated from douchebags. It's kind of a, uh, scarlet letter, if you will. A scarlet letter of douchebaggery ...
[he points at the camera]
BILL: Don't be a doucheface!
[cut to a female student sitting at a desk and studying, when a male student carrying a boomerang walks up next to her]
PUNK KID: Whatcha doin'?
[he sits up on the desk and begins bouncing a ball in front of her]
ANNOYED GIRL: [pause] Studying.
PUNK KID: How much more do you have to go?
ANNOYED GIRL: What does it matter?
[he begins slapping the boomerang loudly in his hand, as the girl tries to ignore him]
PUNK KID: So what level class is it?
ANNOYED GIRL: Four thousand.
PUNK KID: [pause] There you go.
[she eventually can't take it and slaps his hand away, then cut to the female student speaking directly to the camera]
ANNOYED GIRL: I just wanna study. I just want everyone to leave me alone, is that too much to ask?
[cut back to the punk distracting the female student with a toy alligator]
ANNOYED GIRL: [in voice over] Just ... just go away. Just don't bother me.
[cut back to the female student speaking directly to the camera]
ANNOYED GIRL: Stop bugging me.
[cut back to the punk, who is now lying down on the desk with his shirt off]
PUNK KID: Where you goin' for spring break?
ANNOYED GIRL: Nowhere! What're you doing? Put your shirt back on!
PUNK KID: I'd like to go to Panama City, try to get a tan ...
[cut to the punk doing pushups on the desk]
PUNK KID: One thousand one, one thousand two ...
[cut to the punk putting his hands behind his head, as the female student continues to look mortified]
PUNK KID: You like guys who shave their armpits, or is that ... Should I shave mine?
[cut to the security guard standing in front of a door, speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: Eh, this is my office right here. This is for the executives, which would be me.
[the camera pans over to reveal that it's the door to the men's room, then cut to inside the bathroom as Bill stands next to one of the stalls]
BILL: It's a luxurious place ... Uh, this is where I do all my best thinking.
[cut to Bill pointing at some graffiti on the wall inside the stall]
BILL: This is the ... "best place on campus to come and jack off with other college guys! Yeah! Rock 'n roll forever!"
[he pauses]
BILL: I did not write that. Uh, obviously someone has come in and ... uh, vandalized my office.
[cut to Bill sitting on the toilet (with his pants still on)]
BILL: Ah, usually sit right here, y'know? Uh, think of ways to keep you safe from all the punks and the douchebags who are hopped up on drugs.
[cut to another angle of Bill sitting on the toilet]
BILL: If I get a little thirsty, I grab a straw ...
[he pantomimes bending down and placing a straw in the toilet]
BILL: Drink out from right there! It's great!
[cut back to the female student speaking directly to the camera]
ANNOYED GIRL: There's some creepy ... like, janitor, or maybe he's one of those "too much power" security guards.
[cut to Bill trying to nonchalantly stand behind the student as she's studying]
ANNOYED GIRL: [in voice over] He walks around ... around me. A lot.
[cut back to the female student speaking directly to the camera]
ANNOYED GIRL: And sometimes ... I think he's smelling me. I mean, that sounds kinda strange, but really.
[cut to Bill standing over the female student and smelling her hair]
ANNOYED GIRL: [in voice over] He leans in and ... and sniffs. It-It's weird.
[cut back to the female student speaking directly to the camera]
ANNOYED GIRL: I don't know what to do.
[cut to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: Me and the lady, we got a little thing goin' on. It's kinda like the, uh, Ross and Rachel of the library, y'know? One minute we're together, the next minute we're not.
[cut to more footage of Bill standing behind the female student and creeping her out]
BILL: [in voice over] She is the most beautiful woman ...
[cut back to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: I've ever seen in my life.
[cut back to Bill standing over the female student, as he points at her book]
BILL: That's a peacock ... Funny word, peacock. It's got "pee" and "cock" in it.
[cut to the punk sitting in the library eating potato chips, as he throws his ball right at another male patron's face and laughs]
PUNK KID: Heh heh heh ...
[Bill walks by, when he notices the food and stops]
BILL: Eh ... What're ya doin' there, pal? You, uh, eatin' some Pringles?
PUNK KID: Yeah, they're good. You had this kind before? The pepper kind ...
BILL: This is, ah--
[he holds up a potato chip]
BILL: Oh, no thank you ... This is a serious offense here, guy. Gonna hafta take you to the office there. Come on, chief. Let's go to the office.
PUNK KID: I don't know any code "1-3-4-5" ...
[he continues eating, as Bill continues pointing his flashlight at him]
BILL: Uh, "1-3-4-5." Falls under, uh, "You cannot eat Pringles in the library" ... Come on, we're gonna have to go to the office.
PUNK KID: Alright.
[he gets up, but grabs another chip first]
PUNK KID: One for the road!
BILL: The president's gonna be very mad at you ... and I'm serious.
[cut to the male library director sitting in his office, talking on the phone (as "President of the Library" appears on screen)]
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: [into the phone] So I said, I'm the President of the Library! We can take my yacht!
[Bill walks in, holding the punk by the arm]
BILL: Hey there, boss! I, uh, caught this punk--
[the president looks up and nods at the punk]
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: Oh, hey son.
[the punk smiles and waves]
PUNK KID: Hey dad!
BILL: In violation of code "8-6-7-5-3-0-9."
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: Wait wait wait wait ... This is my son. Look, if you give him anymore trouble, you're fired. Okay?
[the punk laughs in Bill's face, while the president goes back to talking into the phone]
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: [into the phone] I have so much money! I'm the president!
[he laughs, while the punk heads for the door ... but before leaving, he turns and gives Bill a playful slap on the cheek]
PUNK KID: See ya around ...
["Douchebaggery" appears on screen, then cut to footage of the punk harassing Bill in the library]
BILL: [in voice over] That kid is a freakin' douchebag. Y'know, just cause his daddy's the president ...
[cut to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: President of what? President of all jack-offs!
[cut back to Bill and the punk, as he tries to take his keys back]
BILL: What? What?
[the punk whips him in the kneecap with the keychain]
BILL: Ah geez!
[he turns and winces in pain, then cut to Bill crawling on the floor]
BILL: Help. Help ... Ah, my leg's broken.
[cut to the punk sitting in the library, drinking out of a tall beer glass]
PUNK KID: Ah, love this yard glass!
[he slams it on the desk (shooting some of the water out and spilling it on the desk), then Bill walks into the screen and stares at him ... the punk eventually notices, and offers him the glass]
PUNK KID: Mm, want some water?
[as Bill stares at the water droplets on the desk, cut to a closeup of his sunglasses (as the screen is tinted red), then cut back to Bill in a more subdued state]
BILL: No ...
PUNK KID: It's good! It's good water ... Except uh, when you start drinking it, a little bubble forms down there.
[he points to the bottom of the glass]
PUNK KID: Sometimes it'll splash in your face. I kinda got some on here, you think you could clean it up for me?
[he gets up and leaves, as a frustrated Bill begrudgingly wipes up the water on the desk]
BILL: Jerkface!
[cut to the punk bouncing a tennis ball on his racket, then he hits it across the length of the library as Bill walks in]
PUNK KID: Yes!
[Bill points at him]
PUNK KID: See that serve, buddy boy?
BILL: Y'know, you uh ... can't be doin' that, alright there? It's against all kinds of codes.
[the punk begins tossing the ball around with another male student (playing "hot potato" with Bill in the middle)]
BILL: Hey, uh ... Hey, come on, guys!
PUNK KID: Whoa!
BILL: Come on! Come on! Come on!
[he begins jumping up and down (barely getting off the ground), as the students continue tossing the tennis ball over his head]
BILL: You guys are messin' around with the wrong guy, I'm like a freakin' puma! I'm like a freakin' puma! Come on, gimmee that!
[cut to Bill kneeling on the floor, with a sad look on his face]
BILL: You guys broke my flashlight! You broke it!
[cut to Bill standing in the library, when the punk walks up behind him and puts his hand on his shoulder]
BILL: Hey, there chief.
[he smiles, then slaps his large belly and runs off, so Bill chases after him]
[cut to Bill chasing the punk around a table, as the footage is sped up and "Yakety Sax"-esque music plays in the background]
BILL: [in voice over] That kid is a freakin' douchebag ...
[cut to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: Can't come into this fine institution and start playin' tennis ... uh, ping pong.
[cut to the punk rubbing a book on his pants]
BILL: [in voice over] Uh, scratchin' your testicles all over books, and leaving your pubic hairs everywhere as you please.
[cut back to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: It's just not right! It's just not right!
[cut to Bill holding a flashlight over the female student as she continues studying]
BILL: Uh, lemmee help you out with a little light there!
[cut back to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: One day she and I are gonna get married, have a couple'a little security guard kids ... and uh, one day they'll be roamin' around this here fine institution!
[cut back to Bill and the female student, as the punk enters the scene]
PUNK KID: Yeah ... What're you doing talking to my girlfriend?
BILL: Uh ... Y'know, uh, I'm just givin' her some light, y'know?
[the punk jumps up on the desk]
PUNK KID: Is he buggin' you, babe?
ANNOYED GIRL: You're both buggin' me!
BILL: Uh, y'know ... I didn't know she, uh, she was yours. I'm just comin' givin' the little lady a little light here.
[he stretches out and lies down on the table]
BILL: Uh, y'know, you really shouldn't be sitting on that table like that, y'know?
[the punk stretches out even more]
PUNK KID: Ah, I shouldn't?
BILL: This is a library.
PUNK KID: Shouldn't be sitting on the table ...
BILL: No.
PUNK KID: Ah, in that case, I'll just have to stand on it.
[he gets up and stands on the table]
BILL: Aw, come on there, chief! Come on, this isn't a Grateful Dead concert, okay?
PUNK KID: Strech out ...
BILL: Come on!
PUNK KID: Do some gymnastics on the table!
[he rolls backwards on the table]
BILL: Oh my god, Jesus Christ!
PUNK KID: Gymnastics, you like that?
[the female student hides her face in embarrassment]
BILL: Jesus Christ Almighty on the cross and off again, you can't be doing that!
[Bill grabs the female student (who is trying to bury her face in her book and ignore everyone) and starts rocking her back and forth]
BILL: She's trying to study! Look at her over here, look at her over here! She's trying to read the book! She can't read the book!
PUNK KID: Hey, dude! Get you hands off, get your hands off my girlfriend!
[cut to previous scenes of the punk acting up in the library]
BILL: [in voice over] There's a lotta punks that come through these great halls ... Uh, smokin' their dope and havin' their unprotected sex with their so-called girlfriend, y'know?
[cut to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: I will be here forever. Keeping my eye on punks.
[cut to the punk plugging a flash drive into one of the library computers, then cut to him speaking directly to the camera]
PUNK KID: Y'know all these pranks so far, they're meaningless. But this one?
[he holds up the flash drive, then cut to the punk looking at a picture of a naked woman (with the naughty bits covered by blue dots) on the computer, then back to him speaking directly to the camera]
PUNK KID: This will be the coup de grace.
["End of an Era" appears on screen, then cut to the female student sitting at one of the library computers]
BILL: [in voice over] My, uh, fadder was a security guard. His fadder was a security guard ... Uh, his fadder worked at a gas station.
[the punk enters the scene]
PUNK KID: Hey, I know you've been working really hard and everything, so I uh ...
[he holds up the flash drive]
PUNK KID: Did some research for you. Just to give you a hand.
ANNOYED GIRL: Thanks!
[he walks off (trying to stifle a laugh), as the female student begins to plug the flash drive into her computer ... the footage plays in slow motion, as (just before she plugs it in) Bill appears and grabs it out of her hand]
BILL: Noooooooo!
[he then slaps her in the face (for no apparent reason) and shines his flashlight in her face]
ANNOYED GIRL: [in voice over] Why can't attractive women ever just be left alone in this country?
[cut to the female student speaking directly to the camera]
ANNOYED GIRL: [pause] Seriously.
["Next Morning" appears on screen, then cut to Bill dragging the punk into the president's office]
BILL: Hey, boss! I, uh, caught this punk handing out ... uh, pornographic material!
[he holds up the flash drive]
BILL: Probably of people having unprotected sex. Probably contains, uh, heavy masturbation ... and, uh, lots of drug use between midgets and clowns.
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: [calmly] Is this true, son?
[he says nothing, so Bill pushes him]
BILL: Eh? Fess up, boy! Come on!
PUNK KID: Yeah yeah, it's true ...
BILL: See? I told ya, eh?
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: Well, that's all well and good Bill, but uh ... we fired you two years ago.
[the punk begins laughing]
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: Um, we've had multiple discussions about this. You do not work in any capacity for the library, and if you do not leave, we are going to call the real security guard, who will break your kneecaps and throw you out the window.
BILL: Uh, but the pornographic material ... The clowns! The midgets!
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: What hard-working man hasn't looked at a naked clown humping the [beep] out of a midget? Huh?
PUNK KID: I know we have, dad!
PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY: That's right, son!
[the punk points to the doorway]
PUNK KID: There's the door.
BILL: But the pornographic material! The clowns! The midgets!
[cut to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: A, uh, new era is about to reside. I am resigning ... uh, not by my choice.
[cut to Bill walking out of the library's front entrance]
BILL: [in voice over] They got my so-called replacement ...
[cut back to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: But he doesn't have the great charisma and sexual physical prowess as I do, y'know?
[cut back to Bill as he waves to the library before walking away]
BILL: [in voice over] Who can leap over three tables to stop a bum from jacking off into a book?
[cut back to Bill speaking directly to the camera]
BILL: I will be gone, but I will not be forgotten ...
[cut to Bill walking up behind the female student as she tries to study]
BILL: I wanted to let you know that ... I love you. I always have loved you, and you have the greatest set of breasts on a young woman I've ever seen. While you weren't looking.
[he walks off, then the student takes out her earbuds (as she was listening to loud music and never even realized that he was talking to her)]
Directed and Edited by
Drew Stewart
Written by
Drew Stewart
Matt Underwood
Louie Marrero
Caroline Ragsdale
Serge Abellard
Starring
Louie Marrero as Bill Hutkins
Matt Underwood as Punk Kid
Caroline Ragsdale as Annoyed Girl
Sean Ludwig as Guy #1
Serge Abellard as Guy #2
Drew Stewart as President of the Library
Opening Titles by
Serge Abellard
Original Music Written & Performed by
Drew Stewart
Special Apologies to
Chip Gubera
Ellis Library
CAT3
Beth Federici
MUTV
Stunderwood Productions
2008
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From imdb.com:
Bill Hutkins: Library Cop (2008)
13 min - Short | Comedy
A pathetic security guard battles for order (and the love of his life) when confronted with a punk kid who can't be punished.
Director: Drew Stewart
Writer: Drew Stewart
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