Monday, October 15, 2012

Case Study No. 0587: Mrs. Pert and Mr. Tweed

A Bit of Fry and Laurie - SAS - Library
A Bit of Fry and Laurie S01 E01
Tags: A Bit of Fry and Laurie SAS Library
Added: 5 years ago
From: threnody
Views: 106,177

[Hugh walks up to the front desk of the library and speaks to the older female librarian]
HUGH LAURIE: Uh, hello, yes. I've just been looking for a particular book in the sports section, and it doesn't seem to be there. It's by Ted Cunterblast, and I think it's called "The West Indies: A Nation of Cricketers."
MRS. PERT: That'll be in the sports section.
HUGH LAURIE: Uh, yes, I've just tried that and it doesn't seem to be there.
MRS. PERT: Who's it by?
HUGH LAURIE: Ted Cunterblast.
[she looks through a list]
MRS. PERT: "The West Indies: A Nation of Cricketers" ...
HUGH LAURIE: That's the one.
MRS. PERT: It's by Ted Cunterblast.
HUGH LAURIE: Yes, yeah, I know that, but have you got it?
MRS. PERT: Well, apparently ...
[she reaches behind the counter and hands him a book]
HUGH LAURIE: Oh. Thanks very much ...
[he opens the book and finds that several pages have been torn up and ripped out]
HUGH LAURIE: There are some bits missing!
MRS. PERT: Have you read the book before?
MRS. PERT: Then how do you know there are bits missing?
[a male librarian suddenly emerges from behind the counter]
MR. TWEED: Is there a problem, sir?
HUGH LAURIE: Uh, yes. This book is incomplete.
MR. TWEED: [chuckles] I think not, sir ...
HUGH LAURIE: I beg your pardon?
MR. TWEED: What you have in your hand is a copy of "The West Indians: A Nation of Cricketers" by Ted Cunterblast, precisely as it was delivered to us, sir.
MRS. PERT: Well, that's what I said, I told him that.
HUGH LAURIE: But wait a minute, look at this. Look at this ...
[he reads from the book]
HUGH LAURIE: "The West Indies ... aren't ... much good ... at cricket."
[he looks at them with incredulity]
HUGH LAURIE: That's all it says. That's the whole book.
MR. TWEED: Did you enjoy it, sir?
HUGH LAURIE: No I did not! This book is supposed to contain an account of the last five test series against England. All it says is "The West Indies ... aren't ... much good ... at cricket."
MR. TWEED: I envy you, sir. I can never read a book twice.
MRS. PERT: Makes me giddy ...
HUGH LAURIE: Well, where's the rest of it?
MR. TWEED: The rest of what, sir?
HUGH LAURIE: Of this book! Apart from everything else, it isn't true ...
MRS. PERT: Oh ha ha, not true?
MR. TWEED: Isn't it, sir?
HUGH LAURIE: No, we haven't won a test series against the West Indies for fourteen years!
MR. TWEED: Now, there I'm afraid I must take issue with you, sir ...
MRS. PERT: Oh, go on Mister Tweed, take issue with him!
MR. TWEED: England has not lost a game of cricket since the war ...
HUGH LAURIE: I beg your pardon?
MRS. PERT: Even I know that!
MR. TWEED: We do have copies of Winston, if you'd like to check ...
HUGH LAURIE: Yes alright, let's see them! Come on!
MR. TWEED: Misses Pert ...
[she reaches behind the counter and hands him a mangled one-leaf pamphlet]
HUGH LAURIE: [reading] "England is great and much better than any other country in ... "
[he turns the pamphlet over]
HUGH LAURIE: "The world."
MR. TWEED: There. You see?
HUGH LAURIE: This is ridiculous!
MRS. PERT: Oh, it's ridiculous, is it? It doesn't agree with his pet theories, so it's ridiculous!
MR. TWEED: Thank you, Misses Pert. Sir, I am a librarian, but I am also an Englishman. To be blunt, I am an Englishman who merely happens to be a librarian. If, God forbid, the day should come when I would have to choose between being a librarian and being an Englishman ...
HUGH LAURIE: Yes yes yes, I think I got the idea. Yeah.
MR. TWEED: Good. Because, may I say that I find your continued efforts to drag down and smear this country of ours to be frankly disgusting.
HUGH LAURIE: I'm not trying to smear and drag down anybody!
MR. TWEED: I suppose you'd rather read books about England losing at cricket than winning, wouldn't you?
HUGH LAURIE: Well yes, if it's true ...
MR. TWEED: Then I feel sorry for you, sir.
MRS. PERT: He's a knocker, that's what he is.
MR. TWEED: I agree with you, Misses Pert.
MRS. PERT: Oh, it's very easy to knock, isn't it? You with your snide university ways ...
HUGH LAURIE: Snide university?
MRS. PERT: Or wherever it is you went ...
MR. TWEED: So often these days, sir, we see - don't we - these so called clever people who just can't wait to tear down and destroy ...
MRS. PERT: And knock.
MR. TWEED: And knock, yes. But do they ever have anything to put in the place of the things that they destroy? No, it's wanton destruction--
[as the librarian continues babbling, Hugh turns and address the camera directly]
HUGH LAURIE: Well yes, it's a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes you really have to wonder what's happening to this country, you do ...



A Bit of Fry & Laurie was a British television sketch comedy show, starring and written by Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, broadcast by the BBC between 1989 and 1995. Running for four series, it totalled 26 episodes (including a 35 minute special in 1987).

Series one (1989)

Episode 1
* Parent Power
* Hugh's Poem
* Young People
* The West Indies: A Nation of Cricketers
* Spoonbending with Mr Nude
* Censored
* Haircut

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