Shirley Holmes 2.01 : The Case of the Wannabe Witch
Could Ms. Flitt, the Sussex school librarian, be a witch? It is a possibility that Shirley must entertain as she investigates a series of ominous mishaps at Sussex Academy.
Shelley Duvall guest stars in this episode as Miss Flit.
This episode is also available to download at Shirley Holmes Central - http://shirleyholmes.damonford.com
Tags: Shirley Holmes Meredith Henderson Shelley Duvall Sherlock Elementary Mystery TV Wannabe Witch
Added: 1 month ago
[scene opens with a stereotypical female librarian (thick glasses, buck teeth, cardigan sweater, hair in a bun) in a cramped supply closet, surrounded by burning candles and chanting to herself while grinding some kind of powder with a mortar and pestle]
ALICE FLITT: Ay-whoa, ay-wah, ay-wee! In mab!
[she gets a confused look on her face]
ALICE FLITT: Uh ...
[she consults a nearby book]
ALICE FLITT: "Wreak vengeance on mine enemies" ... Ah!
[she takes some dark powder and places it in a teabag]
ALICE FLITT: Empower me with life! Empower me with love!
[someone suddenly knocks at the door]
MISS STRATMANN: [from off camera] Miss Fitt?
ALICE FLITT: Oh ... Oh!
[the knocking comes again]
ALICE FLITT: [quietly] No!
[cut to outside the closet, as another woman is banging on the door]
MISS STRATMANN: Miss Fitt, are you in there?
[she suddenly comes out and quickly closes the door behind her]
MISS STRATMANN: What were you doing in the supply closet?
ALICE FLITT: Um ...
[she hesitates, then pulls a pencil out from behind her back]
ALICE FLITT: Getting supplies!
MISS STRATMANN: Miss Fitt ...
ALICE FLITT: That's "Flitt!"
MISS STRATMANN: That's what I said ... The updated library inventory was supposed to be on my desk last week.
ALICE FLITT: Oh, I can explain, Miss Stratmann--
MISS STRATMANN: Please, no more excuses. Just see that I have it today!
[she turns and walks off]
ALICE FLITT: Yes, Miss Stratmann ...
[she quickly heads back into the supply closet, where she takes a picture of an older gentleman off of the wall]
ALICE FLITT: [quietly] Empower me ... with love!
[she kisses the picture, then blows out the candles]
[cut to inside the Sussex Academy library, as students are trying to read books while the coffee maker on the front desk whistles loudly ... but when the librarian goes to unplug it, there is a large spark from the wall outlet]
ALICE FLITT: Ooh!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Are you okay, Miss Flitt?
ALICE FLITT: Oh ... I'm fine, thank you, Shirley.
[the young girl smiles and walks off, as a man (the same one in the librarian's picture) enters the scene and puts down some books on a nearby table ... he's oblivious to the librarian staring at him, as she takes a teabag and plops it into a cup before filling it with hot water, then brings it over to him]
ALICE FLITT: Tea, Arthur? It's jasmine, my special blend!
MISTER HOWIE: Hmm.
[he forces a smile, then takes the cup and drinks it (but quickly stops and makes a weird face)]
MISTER HOWIE: Thank you, Alice ...
[he clears his throat, then hands the cup back to her]
MISTER HOWIE: But no. I'm strictly an orange pekoe man.
MISS STRATMANN: [from off camera] Miss Fitt!
[she jumps at the unexpected noise (spilling the tea all over Mister Howie's tweed jacket), as Miss Stratmann enters the scene]
ALICE FLITT: Oooh, I'm such a klutz!
[she takes out a handkerchief and tries to clean off Mister Howie]
ALICE FLITT: I'm terribly sorry ...
MISTER HOWIE: No harm done ...
[he clears his throat again, then nods in Miss Stratmann's direction before heading off camera]
MISS STRATMANN: Miss Fitt, I asked for the current inventory, not last month's!
ALICE FLITT: I, I thought you meant--
MISS STRATMANN: Just please get me the current inventory!
ALICE FLITT: Oh ...
[Miss Startmann storms off, as some of the nearby students snicker at the librarian (although Shirley remain stoic) ... Miss Flitt gives them a stern look, as the nearby computer equipment suddenly shuts down]
BART JAMES: Hey, what gives?
BO SAWCHUK: What'd you do?
BART JAMES: My computer just died!
[the librarian leans in and appears to whisper into the cup she is holding]
ALICE FLITT: [quietly] Ay-whoa, ay-wah ... ay-wee!
[the overheads lights suddenly flicker and grow dim, then all of the table lamps suddenly spark and burn out (frightening the nearby students)]
MISS STRATMANN: Clear the area!
[cut to outside the school (as storm clouds gather and lightning strikes), then back inside the library as Miss Flitt smiles to herself]
ALICE FLITT: Oh!
[she takes a sip from her cup, then cut to Shirley staring at her with a determined look]
[Shirley and her friends are standing at their lockers, discussing how the electrical disturbances in the library happened before the lightning storm]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Did either of you notice the look on Miss Flitt's face?
BO SAWCHUK: [snickers] Whoever notices Miss-Fitt?
[Miss Stratmann and Mister Howie walk by]
MISTER HOWIE: Miss Stratmann, you wouldn't have seen my pen, would you? It's gold-plated, and it's inscribed to ...
MISS STRATMANN: Inscribed to?
MISTER HOWIE: [quietly] "Binky" ... It was a gift from my mother.
MISS STRATMANN: No, I'm sorry. I haven't seen it, but have you seen my necklace? It must have slipped off my neck yesterday ...
[cut to Miss Flitt (now without glasses, with long blonde hair and a black dress) entering the school, as the students look at her in disbelief]
BO SAWCHUK: Whoa ... What did she eat for breakfast?
[cut back to Miss Stratmann and Mister Howie (who haven't noticed Miss Flitt yet)]
MISTER HOWIE: I've always admired that necklace on you ...
MISS STRATMANN: Why, thank you, Arthur. It's always been a favorite of mine!
[she takes Mister Howie's hand, so Miss Flitt walks up to them (as his jaw nearly drops when they finally notice her)]
ALICE FLITT: Good morning, Arthur!
[she gives him a big smile, then turns coldly to Miss Stratmann]
ALICE FLITT: Miss Stratmann ...
MISTER HOWIE: Alice ...
MISS STRATMANN: [pause] Miss Fitt, this is a private school. Not a costume ball.
ALICE FLITT: Oh?
[she turns up her nose and walks away, then mumbles another "incantation" under her breath]
ALICE FLITT: [quietly] A thorn I throw to thee!
[cut back to Miss Stratmann and Mister Howie, as she suddenly holds up her hand in pain]
MISS STRATMANN: Ow! Oh, it's a paper cut ...
MISTER HOWIE: Oh! Oh, I hate those ...
MISS STRATMANN: Stings a bit.
MISTER HOWIE: Yes, let me get you a bandage.
[Miss Flitt turns and looks on apprehensively, as Mister Howie leads Miss Stratmann down the hall]
MISS STRATMANN: Oh, thank you, Arthur! That's very kind ...
[cut back to Miss Flitt, as she gets a disappointed look on her face and stomps off, while Shirley eyes her suspiciously]
[cut to Shirley and her friends outside playing basketball]
BO SAWCHUK: Miss Flitt, a witch? I mean, Stratmann, sure!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: No, I mean it literally! She's practicing witchcraft!
BO SAWCHUK: Shirley, Stratmann getting cut was just a coincidence.
BART JAMES: If you buy Koestler's ideas about synchronicity, coincidence isn't random. It's based on complex quantum relationships.
BO SAWCHUK: Yeah, okay ...
[he walks off, then Bart and Shirley notice an ambulance pulling up to the school]
[cut to inside the school, as Miss Stratmann is being wheeled out in a gurney, while Shirley (back in her school uniform) listens in as Miss Flitt speaks to one of the EMTs]
MISSES FISH: Uh, I was in the little girls' room when it happened ...
ALICE FLITT: And I was on my way into her office with the library inventory, and I heard this scream!
AMBULANCE ATTENDANT: Have you any idea how her hands got burned?
[they both shake their heads, as Miss Flitt notices Shirley entering the office, but the EMT stops her when she tries to follow]
EMT: You found her unconscious?
AMBULANCE ATTENDANT: Y-Yes ...
[cut to inside Miss Stratmann's office, as Shirley looks for clues, when she notices the "Escape" key on her computer keyboard is blackened and slightly melted]
[thinking that Miss Flitt is busy on cafeteria duty for the afternoon, Shirley and Bart break into her house, where they find Mister Howie's pen (a personal item used to make a love potion) and Miss Stratmann's necklace (attached to a voodoo doll) in the basement ... however, as they videotape the evidence, they suddenly find Miss Flitt standing at the stairwell]
ALICE FLITT: Don't worry, I won't be calling the police ...
SHIRLEY HOLMES: I wish you would.
BART JAMES: You put a spell on Miss Stratmann!
[he holds up his handheld camera]
BART JAMES: We've got evidence!
[she laughs and waves her hand in front of the camera lens]
ALICE FLITT: You ... don't have anything!
[he tries to play back the recording, then looks to Shirley]
BART JAMES: She wiped the tape!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: You lied about not being in Miss Stratmann's office, you were there! You zapped her through the computer, that's how her hands got burned!
ALICE FLITT: You sound just like her! She always blames me for everything ... It isn't as if she didn't deserve it!
BART JAMES: You won't get away with it!
ALICE FLITT: Oh?
[she takes off his glasses]
ALICE FLITT: Who's going to stop me?
[she picks up a wand and waves it around his glasses]
ALICE FLITT: Moribu mabb enlock! Empower me!
[a squinting Bart turns towards Shirley]
BART JAMES: Shirley, what's happening?
ALICE FLITT: Bind this mortal! Three eyezas I throw ... Eyeza! Eyeza! Eyeza!
[she grabs Bart by the shoulders]
ALICE FLITT: All the wild whites, and all the fierce vengeance, worry and wart thy soul!
[she turns towards Shirley with a malicious look]
ALICE FLITT: Tell anyone what you've seen here, and ... and your little friend will go permanently blind!
[Bart lets out a whimper]
ALICE FLITT: Now ...
[she reaches for Shirley's backpack and pulls out her compass]
ALICE FLITT: Insurance!
[Shirley just stares at her coldly]
ALICE FLITT: Y'know, I used to like you, Shirley, but it seems it may be necessary to fix you, too ... Now get out! Get out, while I'm still in a good mood!
[she pushes them up the stairs, and shoves the backpack into Shirley's hands]
ALICE FLITT: And take this silly bag with you!
BART JAMES: I can't see a thing!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Step up ...
[as they exit, Miss Flitt waves the pocketwatch]
ALICE FLITT: Remember ...
[cut to inside the school library, as Bart (wearing his spare glasses) approaches Miss Flitt as she reshelves a book]
ALICE FLITT: [laughs] Oh, charming glasses!
BART JAMES: Glad you like them ... I want my other glasses back!
[he sticks out his hand, but she just waves her hand over it]
ALICE FLITT: Oh, do you?
[he checks his wristwatch, which has suddenly stopped]
ALICE FLITT: If you want your other glasses back, I guess you'll just have to come and get them ... won't you?
[he slowly backs away, with a nervous look on his face]
ALICE FLITT: [quietly] Boo ...
[he runs off, then cut to Bo spying on them from the other side of the bookshelf]
BO SAWCHUK: Hmm ...
[cut to Shirley and Bart discussing their findings with Bo]
BO SAWCHUK: Look, she's got your stuff, we gotta get it back!
BART JAMES: [timidly] Uh, I like these glasses ...
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Bart, you can do it ... We need a distraction, something to keep her busy while we sneak back in.
[they all try to think of something, then she smiles]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: I got it!
[cut to Mister Howie with a disgusted look on his face]
MISTER HOWIE: Absolutely not!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: It's the only way, Mister Howie!
BART JAMES: Unless you wanna be her love slave ...
BO SAWCHUK: You do want your pen back, don't you Mister How ... "Binky?"
[he laughs, as Mister Howie shoots him a dirty look]
MISTER HOWIE: What precisely would I have to do?
[cut to Mister Howie at Miss Flitt's front door with a bouquet of flowers, as he rings the bell]
ALICE FLITT: Why, Arthur! Oh, for me?
[she takes the flowers]
ALICE FLITT: How lovely!
[she beckons him in (as he nervously looks around before entering), then cut to Shirley and Bo sneaking around outside]
BO SAWCHUK: Bart must've chickened out ...
SHIRLEY HOLMES: We'll have to go in without him.
[cut back to inside the house, as Miss Flitt sits down seductively on her couch next to Mister Howie]
ALICE FLITT: I've been expecting you ...
MISTER HOWIE: You have?
ALICE FLITT: Mm-hmm ...
MISTER HOWIE: I mean ... Of course you have!
[he fakes a smile]
MISTER HOWIE: I feel as though I'm irresistably drawn to your ... charming abode.
[she plays with her hair and smiles coyly]
MISTER HOWIE: My, that's a fetching color you're wearing! It brings out your nose!
[she suddenly looks at him oddly, as Mister Howie tries to recover]
MISTER HOWIE: I mean ... it brings out your hair!
[she smiles again]
ALICE FLITT: Oh! May I ... offer you something?
[Mister Howie starts to twitch nervously, then cut to Shirley and Bo climbing through a window into the basement]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: You alright?
BO SAWCHUK: Yeah ...
[they turn on their flashlights and look around at all of the beakers and bubbling crock pots (in lieu of cauldrons)]
BO SAWCHUK: I don't believe it ...
[she goes to the table and grabs Bart's glasses]
BO SAWCHUK: [from off camera] Uh ... Shirley?
[she goes over to him, as he holds another voodoo doll]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: It's her effigy of Miss Stratmann ...
BO SAWCHUK: Yeah, but ... isn't that your compass?
[she takes a closer look, and notices that it is a different doll (with her compass attached)]
BO SAWCHUK: She cast a spell on you!
[she just stares at him]
BO SAWCHUK: Well, I mean ... It isn't like her spell on Mister Howie is working or anything!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: No, it isn't ... but she did zap the computer and the video camera. And how did she make Miss Stratmann cut her finger?
BO SAWCHUK: Well, Shirley, sometimes a coincidence is just a coincidence.
[he takes the voodoo doll, then starts tapping it with his flashlight]
BO SAWCHUK: Hey, what's wrong with this thing?
[cut to a closeup of the compass, as the needle spins around wildly, then cut back to Mister Howie as he slowly sips on a glass of champagne]
ALICE FLITT: From the first time I saw you, I knew you were like me, Arthur ... Quiet, and unassuming.
[she starts to move in closer]
ALICE FLITT: [quietly] People have no idea what kind of passion simmers underneath ...
[she suddenly jumps up and wraps her arms around him]
ALICE FLITT: But I do!
[she puckers up and tries to kiss him, but Mister Howie resists]
MISTER HOWIE: I'm terribly sorry, but I-I just remembered, I need a new ... muffler!
[she stops and gives him an angry look]
ALICE FLITT: A muffler? A muffler?!
[he gets up and runs out the front door]
ALICE FLITT: Arthur! Wait, you don't wanna be my enemy!
[cut to Shirley and Bo arriving to watch the proceedings, as Mister Howie continues running down the street]
ALICE FLITT: Arthur! Lover false, love untrue! May both your legs break in two!
[a crash (and Mister Howie crying out in pain) can be heard off camera, as Miss Flitt suddenly gets a nervous look on her face and runs back into her house]
[cut to Mister Howie getting up off the sidewalk, as it's revealed that he simply bumped into Bart as he was riding up on his bicycle]
BART JAMES: I'm sorry, Mister Howie ... Sorry.
[Shirley and Bo run up to them]
BO SAWCHUK: You alright, sir?
MISTER HOWIE: No, I'm not alright! I'm not alright at all! That, that ... that hussie!
[Shirley reaches into her pocket and hands him his pen]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Here's your stuff, Mister Howie.
MISTER HOWIE: Thank you ... I do believe I feel like a nice strong cup of tea!
[he walks off]
BO SAWCHUK: Where've you been, man? You're late!
BART JAMES: I've found out what's been going on ... It isn't witchcraft!
[he reaches for his bike and picks up a cage with a pigeon inside]
BART JAMES: Something way, way bigger.
[cut to the three students back in school, as Bart is showing a video of the sun's surface]
BART JAMES: Solar flares, we've been experiencing an unusually high concentration of them.
BO SAWCHUK: So what does it have to do with pigeons?
BART JAMES: My aunt's pigeon race got cancelled. That's how I figured it out ...
[he goes to the blackboard and begins diagramming the Earth's magnetic field in relation to the sun]
BART JAMES: Solar flares bombard the Earth with highly charged particles. That causes electromagnetic storms in the upper atmosphere. The Northern Lights go wild, and satellites get jammed.
SHIRLEY HOLMES: And homing pigeons can't find their way home!
[Bo gives her a blank stare]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Pigeons navigate using a magnetic biological compass ...
BO SAWCHUK: Oh, so their compasses go crazy the same way yours did!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Exactly!
BART JAMES: Miss Flitt didn't cause the lights in the library to blow ... the electromagnetic storms did, by causing a power surge. Just like the thunderstorm.
SHIRLEY HOLMES: So you were right, Miss Stratmann getting cut was a coincidence. So was the power surge.
BO SAWCHUK: Toldja ...
SHIRLEY HOLMES: But she did zap Miss Stratmann's computer ...
BART JAMES: How could she?
[Shirley suddenly smiles]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: The pyrite!
BART JAMES: Cool! That means she erased the tape and stopped my watch, too!
BO SAWCHUK: What?
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Pyrite, it was one of the minerals she put in her potions ... Not everyone's cup of tea but, apparently, Miss Flitt's.
[cut to Miss Flitt in the library, as she listens to classical music on a boombox while drinking her tea, when Shirley (wearing a long flowing cape and red lipstick) and her friends enter]
ALICE FLITT: So, you and your little friends paid me another visit last night ... I'll have to punish you for that!
SHIRLEY HOLMES: I don't think so. Y'see, what you failed to realize, Miss Flitt ... is that I'm a witch, too.
[Miss Flitt gives her a stunned look, as Shirley waves her hand over the boombox and causes the channels to change]
ALICE FLITT: There always was something different about you ...
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Enough of these petty games! My real power is reading minds ... Take yours, for instance. A good one, but so undeveloped. Oh, the things you could've accomplished, if only somebody had believed in you!
ALICE FLITT: You can read minds ...
[Bo reaches over and nudges her]
BO SAWCHUK: Shirley ...
SHIRLEY HOLMES: No, I can't ... It's a trick carnival psychics use. Basic psychology. People will believe what they wanna hear.
ALICE FLITT: But, the radio ...
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Electromagnetic interference.
[she rolls up her sleeve, to reveal a magnet attached to her wrist]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: Same way you did ... That tea you've been drinking? You put pyrite in it, didn't you?
ALICE FLITT: Its magic is supposed to make you more powerful.
BART JAMES: I don't know about it being magical, but I do know that pyrite is a magnetic metal. All you needed was a spark to get the electrons flowing, and voila! You could stick yourself to a refrigerator!
ALICE FLITT: You mean, I made myself into a magnet?
SHIRLEY HOLMES: I saw you get shocked, in the library, right before the thunderstorm.
[she looks down and gets a sad look on her face]
ALICE FLITT: I never had any real powers ... Huh.
SHIRLEY HOLMES: You had the power of believing in yourself.
[she suddenly gets a pained look on her face]
ALICE FLITT: Oh, I don't feel so well.
BO SAWCHUK: Drinking pyrite'll do that to ya ... You should see a doctor.
ALICE FLITT: You're right ... I'm sorry. I-I'm really not myself right now. I don't think I've been myself. Excuse me.
[she gets up and leaves, and the students slowly follow]
SHIRLEY HOLMES: [in voice over] Miss Stratmann recovered completely from her injuries. She came back to school after a couple of days. As for Miss Flitt, she's taking some time away from work. I can only hope that, eventually, she'll realize ... that real power was inside her all along.
"The Adventures of Shirley Holmes"
Season 2, Episode 1
The Case of the Wannabe Witch
Original Air Date: 5 Jan. 1998
Shirley and her friends pit knowledge against witchcraft when the school librarian, a devotee of Wicca, attempts to use her knowledge of black magic to capture Mr. Howie's affections, injure Ms. Stratmann and cast spells on the children.
Meredith Henderson ... Shirley Holmes
John White ... Bo Sawchuk
Shelley Duvall ... Alice Flitt
Colin Fox ... Arthur Howie
Marie Stillin ... Ms. Stratmann