Monday, October 1, 2012

Case Study No. 0558: Lemur and Baboon

The Lemur Files Issue #1
Lemur recounts a traumatic budget meeting in which his job is called into question
Tags: library librarians
Added: 11 months ago
From: mandarinlib
Views: 283

[scene opens with a lemur speaking to a baboon via webcam]
LEMUR: [calmly] Uh, so if you don't mind my asking ...
BABOON: Ask, ask ...
LEMUR: [yelling] Exactly where were you yesterday at the budget meeting?! Didn't you get my text?! You left me there by myself!
[cut to a closeup of Lemur (where you can see a "Libraries Rock!" sticker on the back of his laptop]
LEMUR: What a zoo, I really could've used your help. I mean, first of all, Principal Perry starts the whole meeting by singling me out to defend my existence ...
[cut to various animals sitting at a desk, with an elephant sitting at the head of the table]
PRINCIPAL: Well, I got the new budget figures in here from District, and uh ... It's bad. It's bad, and I'm gonna have to go around this table and ask each and every one of you just what you expect to do about it.
[he looks towards the end of the table, where a hippo is playing paper football]
PRINCIPAL: Uh, not you of course, coach. Heh ... But, uh, I'm gonna begin with the library.
[he looks at Lemur, whose mood suddenly changes from bored to nervous]
PRINCIPAL: You're gonna have to forgive my ignorance here, but I really thought all of this was automated by now.
LEMUR: [quietly] Uh, well, sure. Some things are automated, but I mean, uh ...
ANTEATER: Oh my gosh, are you a cyborg?
GOAT: Harry, you're so funny ... What a scream!
COACH: Why don't we just use Google?
PRINCIPAL: See, now that's what I'm talking about! Coach, that's some fresh thinking there!
LEMUR: [quietly] Uh, we don't ... The library is just a--
[the principal ignores the lemur and keeps talking]
PRINCIPAL: I wanna hear more about that ... Uh, so what I'm trying to get at is how do you justify your existence?
[camera zooms in on the lemur as he looks nervously around the table, then cut to the baboon nonchalantly listening at his computer]
BABOON: Yikes, Perry said that? Boy, I'm glad I didn't have to go ... So, I'm sure you let Perry have it. I mean, you're not gonna take that kinda crap.
[cut to the lemur at his computer]
LEMUR: I mean, are you kidding? I, I really gave him a piece of, uh ... I mean, well, I was respectful, of course.
[cut back to the meeting]
LEMUR: [nervously] Existence? You mean, like in an existential sense? Like, why are we here? Why am I there? Uh ...
[he picks up his coffee and sips it loudly, then cut back to the baboon at his computer]
BABOON: Well, that's good, because let me tell you, with guys like Perry, you gotta let him know where you stand or they'll peel ya like a banana!
[cut back to the lemur at his computer]
LEMUR: And y'know, that wasn't even really the worst of it. It's that Coach Makowsky, he started in again with the Google, and uh ... Y'know, he's a nice guy, but I don't know. What's the word I'm looking for?
BABOON: Idiot?
LEMUR: No, no!
BABOON: Moron?
LEMUR: No no, it begins with an "O" ...
BABOON: Oh, obese!
LEMUR: No, no! Oh, obtuse! He's so obtuse!
[cut back to the meeting]
COACH: Tonight, I googled how many moons does Jupiter have ... Heh, y'know what I found out? How many moons you think it has?
LEMUR: Uh, not ... not really. I mean, I could look it up, but ... Maybe twenty five?
COACH: No, it's got sixty three moons! Who woulda thought? It's got sixty three now! That's a lotta moons!
PRINCIPAL: You don't say? That is remarkable!
[cut back to the baboon at his computer]
BABOON: Wow, sixty three? I didn't know that. Hm, that's really interesting ... So anyway, uh, what's next for you?
[cut back to the lemur at his computer]
LEMUR: Ugh, well now, y'know, I hafta write a whole proposal that justifies my existence to the school and uh, y'know, I thought maybe ... y'know, you could give me a hand.
BABOON: Well hey, well ... Y'know, good luck with that.
[he turns off his computer]

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