Thursday, February 16, 2012

Case Study No. 0243: Unnamed Female Librarians (GiantBomb)

QOTW: 01/10/10
Shhhhh, people are trying to watch weird internet videos.
Tags: bayonetta giant bomb qotw question of the week brad shoemaker
Added: 2 years ago
From: TheRealGiantBomb
Views: 257

[scene opens with Brad Shoemaker (standing in front of a green screen with a picture of video game character Bayonetta and the words "Bayonetta, librarian something something Question of the Week") speaking directly to the camera]
BRAD: I'm gonna be honest here. Last week's "Question of the Week" came about in a haze of Jack Daniels and cocaine. I don't know what happened, but I remember something about Bayonetta, so let's see what the hell you guys did.
[cut to the first video (submitted by "Physicalos"), as a "female" librarian (a man with glasses, buck teeth, and sagging fake boobs) gives a condescending look to a male patron who slaps his library card down on the table]
PATRON 1: I want a book!
[she gets up and unzips her cardigan sweater (to the horror of the patron), then cut to him sitting at a table and reading a book]
PATRON 1: Reading sucks! I'm gonna go play a vidja game!
[he gets up (passing another male patron who is trying to screw a lightbulb inside a book) and picks up a Nintendo Wiimote]
PATRON 1: Yeah!
[he starts slapping at the buttons, which agitates the librarian]
LIBRARIAN 1: Put the joy down!
PATRON 1: I'm first! I'm--
[she grabs the Wiimote out of his hand]
LIBRARIAN 1: Put the joy down! No more joy!
[one of the other patrons throws a stuffed animal at her]
LIBRARIAN 1: Quit the quack! Quit the quack!
[she goes around and starts hitting the patrons with a rolled up newspaper, as the patron grabs another Wiimote]
PATRON 1: I'm winning!
LIBRARIAN 1: Quit the quack! I told you to stop quacking!
[she pulls a large ruler out of her sweater and begins beating the patrons mercilessly, until a "samurai" appears and engages her in a swordfight ... which ends with him stabbing her with his sword]
LIBRARIAN 1: Uhhh ...
[she falls to the floor, dying]
LIBRARIAN 1: [weakly] One more thing I ask of you ...
[the samurai leans in close, then cut to a closeup of the librarian's face]
LIBRARIAN 1: [whispers] Fondle my gerbils.
[cut to the second video (submitted by "billyhoush"), as a female librarian (reading a copy of "Shout!") is sitting at the front desk when a male patron approaches her and hands her a book]
PATRON 2: I'd like to take this book out, please.
LIBRARIAN 2: [annoyed] Okay ...
[she starts typing on the computer]
LIBRARIAN 2: Mister Houshmondi, it says you have something out by a ... Sarah Palin?
PATRON 2: Well, uh, can't I just pay that late charge once I bring both books back?
[she shakes her head in annoyance]
LIBRARIAN 2: We really don't prefer that you do that.
PATRON 2: Well, can't you just cut me some slack?
LIBRARIAN 2: I'm sorry, Mister Houshmondi, you're no different than anyone else!
PATRON 2: Fuck you, bitch!
[he grabs the book out of her hands]
[she suddenly shoots electricity out of her hands and cackles maniacally, causing the patron to get a pained look on his face and develop a sudden case of diarrhea]
[cut back to Brad]
BRAD: Man ... I guess you guys were on some stuff too, huh? Alright, thanks for contributing. We'll see you next week.



QOTW: 01/10/10

We're back with this week's QOTW and it's: Show us your best librarian impression.


Bayonetta is a "stylish action game" from PlatinumGames. The titular character is a witch who can use hair-based magic, as well as firearms attached to her feet, to battle fallen angels and other foes.

No comments:

Post a Comment