3rd RFTS S02 E24- The Single Girl and Dick (1/3)
A shy and brainy librarian is attracted to Dick, while Sally realizes why she's attracted to Officer Don: his uniform. Meanwhile, Tommy and Harry write a "killer" episode of The X-Files.
Tags: 3rd RFTS S02 E24- The Single Girl and Dick (1/3) Rock Sun
Added: 3 years ago
[scene opens inside the university library, as Mary is cutting a piece of cake for librarian Sonja's farewell party, when a group of faculty members enter and converge around the food table]
MARY: It's so sad when a colleague leaves. Y'know, you really feel as though a part of yourself--
[having filled their plates, the faculty members quickly leave without saying a word, so Mary heads over to speak with Sonja (who is sitting quietly by herself reading a book)]
MARY: So Sonja, it's a shame we didn't have time to get to know each other better.
SONJA: Uh, yes. Fifteen years goes by rather quickly.
MARY: Yeah. So, uh, why'd you decide to take that job at Columbia?
SONJA: Um, well, my mind was made up once I found out that they had the only unpublished collection of the early geometry writings of Nicholai Lobechevski ...
MARY: That would be my major reason for relocating.
[Dick and Nina try to quickly run in and take food without being seen]
DICK: [whispers] Wait, you can take more than one?
NINA: Oh, take as much as you want, nobody's gonna show up to this thing!
[Mary walks over and starts angrily whispering at them]
MARY: You two should be ashamed of yourselves! Poor Sonja Umdahl has wasted years of her life in this stuffy mildewed book mausoleum ... The least you could do is wish her well!
NINA: [to Dick] Yeah, shame on you ...
[she yells towards Sonja]
NINA: Uh, bye bye Sonja!
[she runs out of the library]
DICK: [looking towards Sonja] Doesn't have many friends, does she?
MARY: No. She's just shy, and introverted ... weird. Go introduce yourself.
DICK: No, Mary! Some of the students said that she has spiders in her hair!
MARY: Get over there!
[he cautiously walks up to Sonja, then notices the book she's reading]
DICK: Ah, "Morgan's Physical Basis of Heredity!" It's, uh, a quick read, although I did find the footnotes interesting.
SONJA: [surprised] Me too!
DICK: Uh, Dick Solomon, Physics Department.
SONJA: [gets up to shake his hand] Sonja Umdahl.
MARY: I knew you two would get along!
SONJA: Oh, thanks for coming ... and staying.
DICK: [to Mary] So uh, let's go.
MARY: No no no no, wait. I've got an idea, let's do this right. Sonja, why don't you come over to my house tonight? Say, uh, seven? And we'll fix a going-away dinner for you.
DICK: I'll bring dessert!
[Dick runs over and grabs the rest of the cake]
SONJA: Well, um ...
[Dick and Mary have already run out of the library]
[Dick and Sonja are sitting on Mary's couch having an animated discussion about physics, while Mary is sitting between them feeling ignored]
SONJA: --In strictly quantum terms ...
DICK: Yes, of course.
SONJA: And just like you can have quarks and anti-quarks ...
DICK: And neutrinos and anti-neutrinos ...
MARY: [laughs] Wait a minute, isn't a neutrino a breakfast bar?
[Dick ignores her and turns back to Sonja]
DICK: You were saying?
SONJA: You can actually have a particle that doesn't have a counterpart.
DICK: Yes, but does an entity all to itself, which exists simultaneously as its own opposite--
DICK AND SONJA: The photon!
[they both start laughing hysterically]
SONJA: [takes off her glasses] Oh, Doctor Solomon ...
[she raises her wine glass]
SONJA: You are a fountain of knowledge.
[he raises his wine glass]
DICK: And you are a puddle of smartness.
[Mary gets up]
MARY: [angrily] Okay, that's it, party's over ...
[she throws a set of keys at Dick]
MARY: Drive her home!
DICK: Mary, it's so early. I wanted to hear Sonja's thoughts on refraction.
SONJA: [feigns shyness] Oh, I'm sure it wouldn't be very interesting ...
[Mary pulls her up by the shoulders off the couch]
MARY: Oh Sonja, I'm sure it's fascinating, but I'd rather go to bed. So have a nice flight, drive, life ... whatever.
SONJA: [to Dick] I'm so glad we met.
DICK: And I'm so glad you don't have spiders in your hair ...
[Dick returns to Mary's house the next morning]
MARY: [yelling] Where the hell have you been?!
DICK: I took Sonja home, and we were having so much fun that I spent the night.
MARY: Did you have sex with her?
DICK: No! I only do that with you! And sometimes Farrah Fawcett in my head ... Mary, all we wanted to do was talk.
MARY: Oh come on, Dick. A man and a woman cannot connect intellectually without eventually connecting ... with their connectors.
DICK: Are you saying that just because Sonja and I share the same intellectual interests, we're destined to share the same bed?
DICK: But that's ridiculous! Sonja's far too intelligent to have sex with me!
[Mary and Nina are talking in her office]
MARY: I think Sonja Umdahl likes Dick.
NINA: So? A man would have to be a lunatic to be attracted to that woman ... uh oh.
MARY: Oh no, Nina. I trust Dick, I really do, but ... there's something about that woman that bothers me.
NINA: [leans in close] Wanna know what I heard?
NINA: Sometimes, if you peek through the library window when she doesn't know you're looking, you can catch her with snakes! Moving all over her hair! Just moving all over! Snakes moving--
[Sonja walks in, as Nina is still making "slithering" motions with her hands over her head]
NINA: Oh, and then I rinse, and then I repeat. Mm-hmm, and then I rinse, and then I'm done ...
[she pretends like she just noticed Sonja walk in]
NINA: Oh, hello Sonja. I thought you moved.
SONJA: Soon, soon. I'm just tying up dead ends.
MARY: Great. I, uh, understand you and Dick had an interesting conversation last night.
SONJA: Oh, he told you?
MARY: Oh, Dick tells me everything.
NINA: Uh, what she needs to know is are you after Dick Solomon, yes or no?
SONJA: Oh my god, is that what you think? That I want your boyfriend?
MARY: Uh ...
[Nina pushes her]
SONJA: Oh, I'm so sorry. I never should have kept talking, boring him with my thoughts ... Please forgive me! You're the only friend I have!
[she starts to cry]
MARY: I'm sorry ... it's okay. I'm still your friend. So's Dick!
SONJA: [pause] 'Kay.
[she sits down]
MARY: You wanna go get a cup of coffee?
SONJA: [choking up] No. I'll just stay here for a moment. I have to get myself together ...
NINA: Oh, okay honey ...
[they start to leave, and she angrily whispers to Mary]
NINA: I hope you're happy, you made her cry! Yes you did!
[as they leave, Dick enters, and Sonja suddenly stops crying and begins to talk seductively]
SONJA: Hello, Professor ...
DICK: Sonja, I thought you left.
SONJA: I couldn't leave, Doctor Solomon. I couldn't leave you.
DICK: Oh, I'll be alright.
SONJA: You can pretend all you want, Professor, but Sonja sees through your little charade ...
[she starts putting her hands on him]
SONJA: Take me!
DICK: [struggling] Sonja! I can't do this with you! This is what Mary is for!
SONJA: Oh come on, do you mean to tell me you always talk calculus with women you're not attracted to?
[she pushes the papers off of his desk]
SONJA: Now Sonja is itchy ... Scratch her!
[she forces him onto the desk and kisses him passionately]
[Dick has gone to Sonja's apartment (where the formerly prim librarian has let her hair down and is wearing a sexy black nightgown) to let her know that nothing can happen between them]
SONJA: Doctor Solomon, I knew you'd come!
DICK: [stammering] Sonja, I ... I have something to tell you. You are a brilliant, beautiful, fascination woman.
SONJA: Let's go to bed!
DICK: Alright ...
[he puts his head down and starts walking, but catches himself]
DICK: Uh, no no no! What I mean is, I'm sorry if I've misled you in any way. But my heart, my mind, and Mister Wiggly all belong to Mary Albright.
SONJA: [moves slowly towards him] Oh really? Then I have something to tell you, my darling, but my words would be hollow unless sung. Please sit ...
[she starts up a player piano and begins to sing]
SONJA: First there was Newton, who could tell how things fell, but I never have fallen that way. Then there was Hawking, who told of black holes, but I've never been sucked in per say. And no one but Einstein, has made me feel as fine, as Solomon's made me today!
DICK: I gotta go ...
[he gets up to leave, but Sonja pushes him back down on the couch]
SONJA: You've awakened my passion, Dick Solomon! You've made physics a physical thing ...
DICK: I did?
SONJA: Electronics, magnetic! Our energies, kinetic! My harmonic is oscillating ...
DICK: Oh boy!
SONJA: You've awakened my passion, Dick Solomon ...
DICK: Please stop!
SONJA: You've made my life turn on a dime ...
[she wraps the tail of her nightgown around his head]
SONJA: I know this sounds crass, but your energy times my mass ...
[she spanks herself]
SONJA: Will create an explosion through time!
[she picks him up and makes him start dancing]
DICK: Oh no, listen! Sonja, no ... My god, we're skipping!
[she pulls off his belt and his pants fall down around his ankles]
SONJA: Can't you see it's bigger than both of us?
DICK: Well, thank you, but ...
[he pulls up his pants and runs out the door]
[Mary confronts Sonja in her apartment]
MARY: Let's just settle this once and for all, shall we? Dick, are you interested in Sonja romantically?
DICK: Uh well, she's very smart and very attractive ...
DICK: But no, Mary, I love you!
MARY: There you have it. Game over.
SONJA: The game's not over 'til I say it's over!
DICK: Is the game over?
MARY: Sonja, stay away from my man!
SONJA: He'll be mine soon!
MARY: Not while I'm still breathing ...
SONJA: Then I'll just have to stop you from breathing, won't I?
[they start circling each other]
DICK: Wait, hold it. Can't we please just be friends?
[they get into a girlie slap fight]
DICK: Somebody use a fist!
[Sonja takes a swing, but Mary dodges and pinches her nose with her own finger cymbal]
SONJA: I give! I give!
[Mary lets go, and Sonja collapses onto the couch, apparently unconscious]
MARY: Game over! Let's go ...
DICK: Oh my god ... Mary! I am so turned on!
3rd Rock from the Sun - "Dick and the Single Girl" (Season 2, Episode 24)
Shy librarian Sonja Umdahl (Christine Baranski) is leaving Pendelton State University after 15 years of loyal service, and Mary feels sorry for her because no one showed up to her farewell reception. She invites her over to her house for a proper sendoff, but Dick and Sonja end up talking about physics all night long, causing Mary to feel a little jealous.