Monday, February 13, 2012

Case Study No. 0233: Staff of Doheny Memorial Library

Birnkrant 616 - Season 1, Episode 5, Part 1
Birnkrant 616 - Season 1, Episode 5, Part 3:

A power-outage forces Dawn, Gary, and Roger to the library to finish their term papers. Roger however, warns of ghostlike Mole people lurking within the bookstacks. Despite Roger's evident "altered state" the kids soon find the truth behind his ramblings. Meanwhile, the Nazis descend on the library, eager to find the Molemen's leader, a knight from the first crusade, and steal his treasure.

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Tags: birnkrant 616 logan burdick jonathan levine usc nazi college comedy seinfeld family guy fermented tentacle insane sitcom
Added: 4 years ago
From: FermentedTentacle
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[scene opens inside a dorm room on the campus of the Univeristy of Southern California, where three students were attempting to study before the power went out]
GARY: I was going to head over to Doheny in a little bit, if you guys wanna--
[Roger suddenly turns very serious at the mention of the school's library]
ROGER: Doheny? Gary, are you out of your mind?!
DAWN: What's wrong with Doheny?
GARY: Roger thinks Doheny is haunted.
ROGER: Not thinks, Gary ... Knows. I've seen things with my own two eyes. Strange creatures. Unholy manifestations of the Devil himself. Ungodly creatures hunting for blood and flesh, to make their human costumes to dance around in while procreating. And there's Molemen!
[cut to outside the Doheny Memorial Library, as Roger is crying uncontrollably]
DAWN: Look, Roger, I'm gonna go talk to the librarian and I'll meet you back here. Cool?
ROGER: [stammering in between sobs] But the ... the Molemen, they're gonna eat me!
[Dawn gives him a dirty look, then turns and heads for the library]
ROGER: I can't do it ...


[a female librarian walks out of the library entrance, holding two male students - one wearing a gasmask, the other dressed as Harry Potter - by their ears]
LIBRARIAN: No Nazis in the library!
TIMMY: What? I'm not a Nazi!
NAZI NO. 1: Yeah, [beep] you lady!
LIBRARIAN: Don't make me get the spatula!
[the Nazi backs away in terror]
NAZI NO. 1: Okay, okay! We're going, alright?
[they walk away and run into Gary and Roger]
TIMMY: Oh, hey guys!
NAZI NO. 1: Hi guys.
GARY: Hey Timmy.
ROGER: Oh god ...
GARY: [to Timmy] What're you reading?
TIMMY: Ha, the book everyone's reading these days ...
[he hold up a copy of Harry Potter]
TIMMY: The next HP, baby!
NAZI NO. 1: Yeah, this JK Rowling writes so well, she may be British but I vant to make her an honorary German!
ROGER: High praises there, Nazi No. 1, way to go.
NAZI NO. 1: [points to his gasmask] Bite me, Roger, okay? Bite me right here on my big Nazi snout!
ROGER: Eh, Harry Potter's for little girls! Why don't you read something, y'know, that'll teach ya something?
TIMMY: Well, I'm reading this one to practice my swordmaster skills ...
[he holds up a copy of Harry Potter where the cover has been modified to show him fencing, then Dawn comes running back into the scene]
DAWN: Okay guys, we're good to film here. So, let's go in, yeah?
ROGER: No! No! I value my life more than this Cass Edwards paper!
DAWN: Roger, we have to. I can't let Cass down.
NAZI NO. 1: And I thought the problem would be getting him up! Ya vol, baby!
[he high fives Timmy]
GARY: Shut up, Nazi No. 1 ... Roger, you're being ridiculous. As if that's anything new. Fine, we're going in anyway.
[Gary and Dawn head for the library]
NAZI NO. 1: Come on, let's go.
TIMMY: But we're not allowed--
NAZI NO. 1: You're a lame-o, Timmy!
[he follows Gary and Dawn]
TIMMY: I'm not ... wait wait wait!
[he follows Nazi No. 1]
[Roger doesn't move, then cut to the four students walking around in the basement stacks area]
NAZI NO. 1: I like this place, it smells of death!
DAWN: Gary, I know you have your own paper to write and everything, but since Roger's not here, I don't have anyone to hold the camera for me. Would you mind?
GARY: Hold the camera for you?
DAWN: I'd really appreciate it.
GARY: But my paper ... Sure, no problem.
DAWN: Okay, I still think we can get some filming in before it gets too late ... Timmy, the camera.
TIMMY: Huh? Oh sure, just don't force me to use repel on you or anything ...
[he points his wand at her]
TIMMY: Expecto patronum!
[Dawn looks away in confusion]
DAWN: What's going on over there?
[the other Nazis are gathered at the far end of the stacks, and scatter once they notice they're being watched]
GARY: Strange. Waddaya think they were up to?
NAZI NO. 1: Zem? They're probably just looking for ze Sacred Quills of Atr--
[he stops himself, as if he's said something he shouldn't have]
GARY: Sacred Quills? What Sacred Quills?
NAZI NO. 1: Oh, nothing. Just a little holy artifact we Nazis are looking for. Mind your own business, American dog!
DAWN: Oh, come on, Nazi No. 1.
NAZI NO. 1: Look, all I know is that Mein Herr said we need to find the Sacred Quills because then we can get the plutonium and--
DAWN: Whatever. Gary, let's just film and get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.


[Timmy and Nazi No. 1 are wandering around the library]
NAZI NO. 1: Wait a second, where are we?
TIMMY: I dunno, I was too busy walking and reading Harry Potter at the same time.
[Nazi No. 1 looks down at the red arrows on the floor]
NAZI NO. 1: Uh, maybe these arrows can tell us the way out.
TIMMY: Um, no, that's a myth.
NAZI NO. 1: Scheisse!
[Timmy stops, as something is crawling around the stacks next to them]
TIMMY: What was that?
[Nazio No. 1, reading his copy of Harry Potter, barely looks up]
NAZI NO. 1: Vat vas vat? I see nothing.
TIMMY: You didn't hear that?
NAZI NO. 1: Timmy, all I hear is the inane ramblings of a prepubescent boy who's looking for an ass-beating!
[a strange creature runs past the stacks in front of them]
NAZI NO. 1: Scheisse!
TIMMY: Let's get the hell out of here!
NAZI NO. 1: Yeah!
[they start running, but Timmy drops his copy of "Harry Potter Lost in New York"]
TIMMY: Harry Potter!
[he stops to pick it up, but is confronted by one of the Molemen]
TIMMY: I'm not scared of you ... I'm a wizard!
[the creature drags him screaming into the stacks, then cut to Nazio No. 1 by himself]
NAZI NO. 1: Holy scheisse!
[he runs back and finds Timmy's book on the ground]
NAZIO NO. 1: [to himself] Timmy ...


[Gary is filming Dawn as she reads her report out loud]
DAWN: And that concludes my analysis on eroticism in the zombie genre. See you tonight, Professor Cass, lots of love!
[she winks at the camera]
GARY: Hey, Dawn ...
DAWN: I think we're finished.
GARY: Y'know, I was wondering, since we're finished filming ... I couldn't help but notice, it's just you and me. Here. Alone, in the bookstacks. With a storm outside.
DAWN: What's your point?
GARY: Well, y'know, I was ... I was thinking.
[he moves in close, but Dawn is oblivious to his advances]
DAWN: That you and me should go looking for those Quills the Nazis are after?
GARY: Actually, no ...
DAWN: Great idea, Gary!
[she runs off]
GARY: But ...
[cut to the Nazis looking over the map in another section of the library]
MEIN HERR: This ancient map shows the Quills of Atreyu are here! This means we're getting close! Oh, I can smell und taste the ink already! Once we find the Quills, we can write ourselves a flawless research grant to get ourselves the plutonium!
[he laughs, when Nazi No. 1 runs into the scene, carrying both of the books and screaming his head off]
NAZI NO. 1: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
[Mein Herr hits him over the head with his billy club]
MEIN HERR: Nazi No. 1! Where have you been?
NAZI NO. 1: [babbling] Timmy ... Mein Gott!
MEIN HERR: Slow down, Nazi No. 1! A good Fascist is always under control and has his mind vacant and at ease ...
[he grabs Mein Herr by the collar]
NAZI No. 1: There are monsters in this library!
[Mein Herr hits him over the head with his billy club]
NAZI NO. 1: Ow!
MEIN HERR: [in mocking voice] Oh, there are monsters in the library!
[the other two Nazis both laugh]
MEIN HERR: Oh yeah, monsters huh? Oh, these are kind of monsters that you read in your, uh, fairy-tale books?
[the other two Nazis both laugh]
NAZI NO. 1: Nein, nein! But, what I'm saying is--
MEIN HERR: Sounds like you're letting your imagination run out of control! How can you be efficient when you're not in control?
NAZI NO. 1: I'm not making this up! One of those creatures took Timmy and ran away with him into the darkness, never to be seen again!
MEIN HERR: Oh, I doubt that ...
NAZI NO. 1: I'm telling you the truth! And I have proof! Look at this, look at this ...
[he holds up Timmy's book]
NAZI NO. 1: This is one of his Harry Potter books! You know Timmy, would he ever entrust it to us?
MEIN HERR: I'm tired of your slip-ups, Nazi No. 1! Now pull yourself together unt go find Timmy! So we can force him to go ahead of us, in case we encounter any booby ... traps.
[the other two Nazis both laugh]
NAZI NO. 1: I beg you, please don't send me out there with those monsters again!
[Mein Herr grabs the books out of his hands]
MEIN HERR: Nazi No. 1, if you ever want to see your precious Harry Potter books again, then it would exceedingly behoove you to go find Timmy! Otherwise, I will put these books in a random place in the bookstacks! Unt ve all know, if you ever lose something in the bookstacks, you will never find it again! Forever! Ever!
[the other two Nazis both laugh]
MEIN HERR: Vell, let us go find some holy relics ... Schnell! Schnell!
[they run off, then cut to Dawn and Gary walking through the stacks]
DAWN: Okay, if we can find the Nazis, we'll follow their path and beat them to the goods!
GARY: I'm not so sure that's such a good idea. Nazis can be really combative when it comes to--
[Nazi No. 1 comes running at them]
GARY: Oh no.
NAZI NO. 1: You have to help me! Timmy and I were talking and then he was taken away by these fuzzy creatures and then I ran to Mein Herr to tell him but then he didn't believe me so the other Nazis started laughing at me and then he took my Harry Potter book away! Now I've gotta go find Timmy otherwise Mein Herr will destroy my book!
GARY: Come again?
NAZI NO. 1: You have to help me find Timmy! Otherwise I will never know who Harry dates in the final chapter!
GARY: Is that really that important?
NAZI NO. 1: Yes it's important! Listen to me, there are things alive in this library!
DAWN: Are they zombies? Because if so, you should shoot them in the head.
NAZI NO. 1: No, they are not zombies! They're dark sinister things with fuzzy noses!
NAZI NO. 1: No.
DAWN: Republicans?
NAZI NO. 1: No.
GARY: Joe Don Baker!
NAZI NO. 1: No! They are like ... Molemen.
[Gary slaps his gasmask]
NAZI NO. 1: Ow!
GARY: That's just the story that Roger made up, so he doesn't have to go to the library to study! It's all a bunch of--
KNIGHT: [from off camera] The boy in the mask speaks the truth!
[everyone turns to face where the voice is coming from, which turns out to be a knight dressed in armor with a cereal box for a helmet]
DAWN: Who are you?
KNIGHT: My name is Sir Edmund Thaddeus, and I have been wandering these corridors since ... oh, since long before you were born!
GARY: Uh, how long before?
KNIGHT: Hmm, ten years?
GARY: Oh, that's not that--
KNIGHT: Ha, you fool! I jest! Thousands and thousands of years! During the First Crusade, it was my duty to protect the Holy Quills of Atreyu! Sought after by many, used by few.
DAWN: The Quills?
KNIGHT: It appears you have heard of them. By guarding the Quills, I was granted an unnaturally long life, until I could find a safehaven for them to rest unharmed. I took them deep underground, with a race of lesser-known Mole People!
[the Molemen scurry across the stacks]
KNIGHT: We have been tunneling and tunneling, into the deep of these Doheny bookstacks to search for a safehaven for the Quills to rest unharmed! We dug and dug and dug, until one day we--
[another Moleman runs across the stacks in front of him]
KNIGHT: Whuh, what the hell was that?! In the last century, I have tunneled to the bottom floor of this library, and I have been unable to escape ever since ... [beep] the bookstacks!
DAWN: But why do you have a cardboard box on your head?
KNIGHT: I don't want to talk about it!
[the three suddenly turn and run as a Moleman advances upon them]
KNIGHT: Don't be afraid ... just know that you're alive when they start to eat you!
[the camera zooms in as he gives an evil laugh]


[Gary, Dawn, Timmy, and all of the Nazis are trying to escape the Molemen, when Sir Thaddeus blocks the exit]
KNIGHT: End of the line, young students! I don't think you understand, you cannot leave this library. Not now, not when the Mole People have yet to feed.
DAWN: Oh please, noble lord, please let us go! I'm too young, beautiful, and liberal to die at the hands of ravenous Molemen!
MEIN HERR: Und Nazis taste like industrial waste!
NAZI NO. 1: Yeah, everybody knows that!
KNIGHT: Hmm, it is true, yes. You are young and beautiful. Perhaps, my dear, for you I could make ... an exception. Two thousand years is a long time for a man to be alone in the bookstacks, with no female crevices!
[Dawn begins to back away in disgust]
KNIGHT: And the Molemen ... well, they may be furry, but they're not soft like a woman is.
[Sir Thaddeus caresses her cheek]
KNIGHT: That's a very nice outfit. It would look even nicer, crumpled on my floor in the morning ...
DAWN: Oh [beep] no, old man!
[she punches him in the face]
KNIGHT: Oh, my head!
[she knees him in the crotch]
DAWN: The only old man Dawn Winters does is Cass Edwards, capeche?
KNIGHT: Oh no ...
[cut to a closeup of the floor underneath the knight, as dust falls from beneath his tunic]
KNIGHT: Oh, not again ... Well, you have neutered me.
DAWN: Damn straight, you old pervert!
KNIGHT: Thus, for defeating me, it is written in the code of the Mole People that, uh, whoever does gets to choose from the Quills of Atreyu. Normally, I would make you choose the Quills and if you chose the incorrect one, just laugh in your face ... but since you have doth so destroyed my testicles, what the hey? The right Quill is--
[Roger suddenly appears and stabs him in the back]
ROGER: Ah, take that, you sick sunuva bitch! Ha ha ha, with Fruit Loops on your head, not gonna turn my friends into your costume for procreating! No no no ... Yes, I did it! I saved you, yes!
GARY: Dammit, Rog! He was just about to tell us which Holy Quill to use!
ROGER: No no, that's just what he wanted you to think!
[one of the Molemen drags Sir Thaddeus' carcass deeper into the recesses of the library]



Birnkrant 616 is an American half-hour situation comedy that originally aired on University of Southern California's Trojan Vision television station from March 2006 to March 2008, lasting two seasons. It is distinguishable for being the first entirely student-produced sitcom in the history of USC television, and the most watched show in the history of the station. Due to it's initial success the program was picked up for distribution by the OSTN, ultimately airing to nearly 5 million people on three networks (Trojan Vision, LA36, and the OSTN). The entire second season appeared exclusively online as USC Television's first official webisode series. Of the series, film critic Jim O'Brien of ABC Cleveland raved, "Better than half the crap I watch on television!"

The series was created by USC Film students Logan Burdick and Jonathan M. Levine, and follows the lives of a group of USC student's interactions with their bumbling WWII Nazi neighbors.



Season 1 - Episode 5

- Executive Producers Logan Burdick and Jonathan Levine
- Directed by Logan Burdick
- Written by Daniel Johnson
- Produced by Jonathan Levine
- Cinematography by Logan Burdick, Jonathan Levine
- Edited by Logan Burdick
- Score by Jonathan Levine
- Production Coordinator - Daniel Johnson
- Art Directors -Isabelle Shu, Jessica Schreibstein
- Props Master - Maggie Revello
- Script Supervisor - Ann Kim
- Production Sound - Mario Villalobos
- Key Grip - Trevor Nelson

Jess Brownell, Logan Burdick, Will Campos, Ray Chase, Zak Hammond, Max Hurwitz, Alex Lemley, Jonathan Levine, Jamie Nelson, Michael Rousselet, Lauren Schneider, Mychael Solis-Wheeler, Sarah Tarkoff, Jon Worley


Gary Fischer - Andrew Baron
Roger Lastaname - Alex Garcia
Dawn Winters - Janel Healy
Tad Rad - Jordan Turchin
Mein Herr - Trevor Davis
Nazi #1- Will Campos
Nazi #2 - Ray Chase
Nazi #3 - Anthony Christodoulou
Timmy - Daniel Johnson
Sophie - Maxie Solters

Cantankerous Bill -Mychael Solis-Wheeler
The Librarian - Tera Regan
The Knight - Ray Chase
Molemen - Mario Villalobos, Jon Worley, Daniel Johnson

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