Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Case Study No. 0081: John Taylor

Steve Penk - Library Book Fine
Steve Penk Radio Wind Ups
Tags: Steve Penk Radio Wind Ups Capital FM Key 103 Crank Calls Funny Trick UK
Added: 2 years ago
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[phone rings]
STEVE PENK: Hello, can I speak to Mr. Cooper, please?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Sorry, he doesn't live here.
STEVE PENK: Hello, Mr. Cooper?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I say he doesn't live here!
STEVE PENK: Ronnie Cooper?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Ronnie Cooper doesn't live here.
STEVE PENK: So, there's no Mr. Cooper there?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: No, you have the wrong number.
STEVE PENK: Oh sorry, it's Ronnie Buckley I want.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: This is Ronnie Buckley.
STEVE PENK: Is that Ronnie Buckley speaking?
STEVE PENK: It's John Taylor here, from the library.
STEVE PENK: We called around last week about the, uh, the book about selling.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Yeah, I brought it in last weekend.
STEVE PENK: Well I've not, I've not seen it anywhere. We're still missing it.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Well, he brought, he didn't put it down there?
STEVE PENK: Well, I've got the records here. It's 147 pounds you owe us, for the overdue book.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Well, look ... he brought it in last weekend.
STEVE PENK: Right. Uh, that's 147 pounds then. Could you get it to us as soon as you can?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: No, I'm afraid I'll hafta sue for it.
STEVE PENK: I mean, the situation is that obviously you've had it for about two years now, haven't you?
STEVE PENK: It must be at least two years!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: No, it's not!
STEVE PENK: Uh, what did you do with it?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: [unintelligible]
STEVE PENK: Well, there's jam stains all over the pages! What've you been doing--
RONNIE BUCKLEY: There's jam stains all over the [beep] pages?
STEVE PENK: Yeah, what've you been doing with it?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You just told me you hadn't had it!
STEVE PENK: Yes, well, that's ... obviously, that must be the one we got back then! Uh, because we only got one copy! I mean, I thought we had two, but it must be just the one copy!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You oughta make up your mind, the way you've got it back and then you haven't got it back! It all sounds queer to me!
STEVE PENK: Well, don't start getting on your high horse with me, young man!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Well, you said ... to me either!
STEVE PENK: Yeah, yeah!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You say you've got it back and then it's fulla jam stains!
STEVE PENK: Well, I'm telling you that we have got it back, and there's jam stains all over it! What've you been doing?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I've been doing nothing with it!
STEVE PENK: But it--
STEVE PENK: Hey, what? 147 pounds then.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You, I'll send you [beep] then!
STEVE PENK: Well, I mean, uh ... how soon can you pay it?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I can't pay it!
STEVE PENK: Well, can't you pay it off, y'know--
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I can pay nothing!
STEVE PENK: A couple quid a week?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I could pay nothing!
STEVE PENK: Well, why didn't you return the book then?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Because it was just a mistake! It was forgotten about!
STEVE PENK: Well, you know, I mean--
RONNIE BUCKLEY: And it hasn't been here two years, so don't gimmee that crap!
STEVE PENK: Well, we're try--I beg your pardon? I said, we're trying to run a public library here, and you're--
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You're quite alright.
STEVE PENK: And you're stealing books.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Put that in writing, will ya?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Put that in writing!
STEVE PENK: I beg your pardon?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I said put it in [beep] writing!
STEVE PENK: I can't hear you.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Yeah, well, wash your [beep] ears out, then!
STEVE PENK: So, I'll leave it with you, then?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You'll leave it with me, yeah but ... put it in writing that I've been stealing books, will ya?
STEVE PENK: Yeah, stop shouting, you silly man!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I'm not shouting.
STEVE PENK: Yeah you were, you were shouting.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: No, well, I'm deaf. I'm deaf as well ...
STEVE PENK: Oh, you're deaf and stupid, are you?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I want you to put that in writing! You called me a thief, you called me stupid.
STEVE PENK: I did not!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Get it in writing!
STEVE PENK: You started this argument!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Oh no I didn't.
STEVE PENK: I'm afraid you did.
STEVE PENK: I've got witnesses.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You said you haven't got it back ...
STEVE PENK: I've got witnesses!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Well, great! Bring 'em with ya!
STEVE PENK: Well, listen. There's not only, sort of, jam stains all over it. There's, you know, there's egg stains and things.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Sounds like you're now accusing me of having breakfast on it!
STEVE PENK: Well, what've you been doing with it?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: I've done nothing with it!
STEVE PENK: Nu-nu-nothing with it? Right then. Okay, well, I'll leave that with you then Mr. Buckley.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Oh, I'm leaving it with you!
STEVE PENK: Alright, and we'll be around with the police later, obviously.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Oh, alright.
STEVE PENK: Y'know, bang you up for a few days.
STEVE PENK: Uh, but I've got a letter from Jillian.
RONNIE BUCKLEY: [pause] Who's Jillian?
STEVE PENK: Y'know, that daughter of yours?
STEVE PENK: You do remember her, don't you? Jillian?
STEVE PENK: Well, she's written to me.
STEVE PENK: This is Steve Penk from Key 103, Ronnie!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Eh?!? [laughing]
STEVE PENK: Hey, you're really going there, weren't you Ronnie?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: You are! [laughing]
STEVE PENK: [laughing] Is there anything you wanna say to her, Ronnie?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Well, you know what I wanna say, but I can't say it on the radio!
STEVE PENK: You what, Ronnie?
RONNIE BUCKLEY: [laughing]
STEVE PENK: See ya, Ronnie!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: Alright, be good now!
STEVE PENK: Bye-bye!
RONNIE BUCKLEY: [laughing]


From amazon.com:

"Steve Penk's Essential Windups Volume 3: Ronnie Buckley's Late Library Book"

Steve Penk is a British radio and TV presenter. He is renowned for his hilarious wind-up prank calls as heard on the UK radio station 95.8 Capital FM.

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