Still Game: "Doacters" Series 2 Episode 3 (part 1 of 3)
Words don't come easy, but the world of books and a certain lady librarian have got Tam and Winston all of a-fluster. Yankee happy pills are proving more of a temptation to Jack and Victor though after they bump into their old pal Stuart.
Tags: Still Game Scottish Comedy
Added: 4 years ago
[Jack and Victor are skulking around the stacks of the local library]
JACK: [whispering] Victor, you think this'll do?
VICTOR: [whispering] I would say so, ay.
JACK: I have an all-clear on my side ...
VICTOR: Hold on, hang fire ... [the nearby female librarian walks away] All clear on my side!
JACK: After three, then. One, two ...
VICTOR: Three! [pulls out a handful of books, as Jack sets down a plastic container and flask of soup on the book shelf]
VICTOR: [points to the container] What's this?
JACK: Tsk tsk tsk ... Red, thank you!
[the two begin eating while still looking over their shoulders for the librarian]
VICTOR: Here Jack, how many years have we been coming here and eating our lunch?
JACK: Must be ten years, ay? Never been caught, either. That's gotta be some sort of record, eh?
VICTOR: [laughs, then notices the librarian is staring at him, so he tries to quickly push the books back on shelf, causing all of the food to spill onto Jack's side]
JACK: [tries to grab the flask but it rolls off the balcony and knocks a female patron down below on the top of her head]
JACK: Oh! [looks down and sees the patron face down on the table while a pool of red liquid collects near her head] We've killed her!
VICTOR: It's alright ... it's tomato soup.
JACK: Oh, is that what it was?
VICTOR: Ay ... come on!
[the two sneak out of the library as another female librarian tends to the now-conscious patron by offering her a bottle of water]
[Tam and Winston are sitting on a park bench, each reading a book]
TAM: [closes his book] Ah, that was smashing! That was a right good read, that! So uh, what've you got to go, 30-40 pages? It's funny that, isn't it?
TAM: Eh, you got that book at the library the same day I got mine ... I finished my book and you're still ploddin' along with yours, y'see?
[Tam gets a sandwich for his son]
TAM: Now, y'see, I was a good reader at the school, y'know? They would put me up in front of the class and I would read Mark Twain and Barnes and Shakespeare, y'know? Big long paragraphs, I was well-renowned for it! The best reader in the school, eh?
[Winston goes up to the front desk to check out a book]
WINSTON: Oh ...
FRANCES: That's nice to see, somebody actually borrowing a book.
WINSTON: How's that?
FRANCES: Oh, only a lot ... Do you enjoy reading, do you?
WINSTON: Oh yes. Um, I'm very rarely without a book, you know? They used to make me stand up in the class and read out Barnes and Mark Twain and Shakespeare. Big long passages, I was renowned for it. Best reader in the school.
FRANCES: That's admirable. It's very rare to meet a well-read gentleman. Generally, men your age are just into the pub and bookies.
WINSTON: Oh, vulgar ... Do you, uh, enjoy the works of Dumas?
FRANCES: Not really, no. I love Emily Bronte. Do you know her work?
WINSTON: Eh, no.
TAM: [slides into the scene] "As I rode up, and then his fingers sheltered themselves, with a jealous resolution, still further in his waistcoat, as I announced my name. 'Mr. Heathcliff?' I said" ...
FRANCES: "A nod was the answer."
[the librarian stamps his book as the stare into each other's eyes, while Winston slinks away dejectedly]
[Winston is at the convenience store buying a dinner for two and talking with Navid the owner, when Tam interrupts again]
WINSTON: Ugh ...
NAVID: Oh, frosty ... What's this called here? You two not talking?
TAM: No, not at all. He's just a bit raw 'cause a certain librarian prefers Bronte to The Beano ...
WINSTON: I was about to ask out the lassie in the library, when this rat muscled in!
NAVID: Ah, love war eh? Two friends, vying for the attentions of the book lady ... Ah, 'tis the stuff of novels. How fitting that the setting is a library!
WINSTON: Ay, very fitting indeed ...
NAVID: Ah, and you are going to woo her with a pie and a tin of totties?
TAM: Is that a fact?
WINSTON: As a matter of fact, I was gonna ask her over to mine for a tea.
TAM: Won't she be pleased with that, with her being a vegetarian ...
TAM: I was informed of that last night, when I walked her home.
WINSTON: Ya bastard!
TAM: [nonplussed] Packet of Tic Tacs please, Navid.
NAVID: Mints? Oh Winston, accept defeat. He's freshening the breath in preparation for a snog!
[Tam takes the mints and leaves]
NAVID: [yelling after him] Remember, don't stick your tongue in her mouth, she doesn't eat meat!
[Winston is sitting in the pub reading his newspaper, when Tam comes over with his own paper and sidles up next to him]
WINSTON: You ...
TAM: Hello, Winston.
WINSTON: [looks at the paper he's reading] What're you doing with that big stupid paper?
TAM: [doesn't look up from the paper] How do you mean?
WINSTON: You don't read that paper. Too footery, you say. The print's too weak. Lot of snobbish shite about politics ... [points to his paper] You read this paper.
TAM: Eh, a wee change, y'know?
WINSTON: Your ass! That's for show, that ...
[Frances walks into the pub]
WINSTON: Ah ha!
TAM: [looks up] Frances! You remember Frances, Winston?
WINSTON: I do, yes. Hello Frances.
FRANCES: Nice to see you Winston. There you are, Tam ... [hands him a thick book]
WINSTON: [looks at the title] "War and Peace?" You'll never get through that!
TAM: I'll get through that in a week ... Thank you very much Frances.
FRANCES: This place is a bit ... earthy.
TAM: [looks around] It is a wee bit rustic. Maybe we shoulda gone elsewhere. I mean, I never used to be like this. I haven't been in here since--
WINSTON: [under his breath] Yesterday.
TAM: [clears his throat, then looks over at Winston reading his newspaper] Could you move your tabloid, please?
[Winston pulls away the paper]
TAM: Now, this should interest you, Frances. It's a theatre review of "The Cherry Orchard" ...
WINSTON: Ugh ...
FRANCES: Oh ... Do you get to the theatre often, Winston?
WINSTON: ... Oh, yes. Yes.
TAM: What was the last thing you went to see?
WINSTON: [hesitates] Uh, "The Bombardier's ... Wife."
TAM: Oh, who wrote that?
WINSTON: ... Arthur Simington.
TAM: Arthur Simington! What else did he write?
WINSTON: Ehhh ... [sees a cigarette ad on the opposite wall] "The Kensitas Club."
TAM: [wise to his lie] Oh, did he not write "The Benson Hedges" too?
FRANCES: Arthur Simington? I don't think I've heard of him ...
TAM: No, he died of cancer ... Ooh, there's a table there. Come on, we'll go over there, Frances. Excuse us, Winston.
WINSTON: [notices "War and Peace" is still on the table] Oh here, you forgot your ... [gets a smile on his face]
[Winston is walking down the street carrying "War and Peace", when Tam runs up to him]
TAM: Winston! Winston, hold on there a minute!
WINSTON: Oh, good. I was just comin' to see you. You left that in the pub ...
TAM: Ay, good good. Eh, Winston, last night in the pub I ... I never meant to make you look like a half-wit in front of Frances.
WINSTON: Did ya know?
TAM: No, really. Really, I didn't. Well y'know, I haven't been on a date for years, y'know? And I've kinda taken a shine to Frances, y'see. I knew you liked her and all ... well, I panicked, didn't I? Started showing off, running off at the mouth like a bloody smart ass. I made ya feel small and I'm sorry, Winston. Y'know, we're old pals, eh?
WINSTON: Ay ... Ack, nay danger, Tam. Forget about it.
[they shake hands]
TAM: My book?
WINSTON: [nervously] Eh? Ay ... Here, what? Is that owed you back? I'll take it for you.
TAM: [laughs while taking the book] And still my girl? Heh, ya monkey!
[Tam is getting ready for bed and a chance to read "War and Peace," when he opens it up to discover that Winston has hollowed it out and placed a turd inside of it]
"Still Game" is a Scottish sitcom, produced by The Comedy Unit with the BBC.
Frances (2003, 2005–present)
First Appearance: Season 2, Episode 3 ("Doacters") - 11 April 2003
Played by Kate Donnelly, Frances works at the library in Craiglang and is married to Tam. In Series 2 Winston and Tam both battle for her affections and Tam is eventually victorious. The couple marry in the episode "Ring" in Series 4. Frances tries her best to change Tam's penny-pinching habits but without success. Frances also has a sister, played by Dorothy Paul. In "One In, One Out" Frances has a baby at the age of 64, whilst Tam Mullen is aged 70.