Hubert the Librarian - The BiWeekly Show
Hubert the Librarian visits the show to enlighten Dan on the dangerous life of a library employee.
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Tags: UD University of Delaware BiWeekly Show librarian books violence brett smith helmet talk show star trek hubert BWS
Added: 2 years ago
[scene opens in a television studio, as the male anchor is sitting at the news desk]
DAN: With the end of the semester quickly approaching, the library appears to be the hip place to go, as students flock there in order to finish up all their last-minute projects and get ready for finals. So I figured it couldn't possibly be a mistake to invite one of our very own campus librarians, Hubert Stevens on the show. Hey Hubert.
[camera pans to reveal the male librarian, wearing a bicycle helmet, sitting next to him]
HUBERT: Hey Dan, thanks so much for having me ...
[the librarian stares at the audience in a creepy fashion]
DAN: Hubert, I wanna get to the library stuff in a second, but I feel like I have to ask you ... What is, what's with the helmet and elbow pads?
HUBERT: Well, by now you may have noticed my helmet and elbow pads. There's actually a bit of a story behind that ...
HUBERT: [stares wistfully into the distance, then starts to become agitated]
DAN: Hubert? Hubert. Hubes, Hubes!
HUBERT: Sorry, life on the beat is tough. Turn one wrong corner and ... bam!
DAN: Life on--? Aren't you a librarian? What, what could you possibly have seen?
HUBERT: Dan, of course I'm no Melville Dewey, creator of the Dewey Decimal System. But I've had my fair share of life-threatening terror. Have you ever had to hold your buddy in your arms, and lie to him, saying everything was gonna be okay?
DAN: No ...
HUBERT: Thank goodness, me neither! Yup, my job is full of quick-thinking decisions ... Quick! You've just been served mashed potatoes, butter or gravy?
HUBERT: [picks up a book] Let's say, for instance, a book just like this one comes up to you and ...
[he hits himself in the head with the book]
HUBERT: Oh! oh! oh! And see, it didn't hurt me, I'm wearing a helmet! And this is where your predicament comes into the equation. Your skull is entirely exposed!
DAN: Yeah, but I mean ... I'm not quite sure I understand, because how could a book possibly just come up and--
[he hits Dan in the head with the book]
HUBERT: See what I mean?
HUBERT: PS361.A17 T53 is extremely powerful.
DAN: Yeah, but that's kind of my point I was just about to make. Another person would actually have to be holding the book, swinging it violently at my head, like a dick, to make me make a noise like that. And I'm gonna be honest with you, Hubert, I don't think I know anyone who would do that to another human being.
HUBERT: [pause] Clearly, we associate with very different people.
DAN: Okay, so let's get back on topic here. Um, if you don't mind, please tell us briefly - briefly - what a day in the life of a librarian is like.
HUBERT: Three words ... books, books, books.
DAN: That was just, that was one word said three different ... Okay, maybe I can see where you're coming from, actually.
HUBERT: Dan, I really don't think you're seeing the big picture here. Or in this case, the big book.
DAN: Don't ... No, I just, it's not a "big picture" question. I think it's just a miscommunication.
[Hubert takes his helmet off and slowly tries to put it on Dan's head]
DAN: Okay, I'm not gonna ...
[he waves him off]
DAN: No, don't. I don't want that.
HUBERT: I think I want to leave ...
[Hubert gets up and leaves]
DAN: [turns and stares at the camera blankly]
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