Monday, November 7, 2011

Case Study No. 0051: Angie The Sexy Drunk Dirty Librarian

Angie The Sexy Drunk Dirty Librarian (Not Really)
Tags: dan bialek vs america lakewood ohio phoenix coffee interview angie masters degree library studies booze drinking
Added: 2 years ago
From: dbloveskittens
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The Dan vs America Tour
Lakewood, Ohio
Phoenix Coffeehouse Interviews

DAN BIALEK: We're here in Lakewood, Ohio. We're in Phoenix Coffee-Slash-Cafe. This is Angie, recent graduate from Kent University.
ANGIE: [nods]
DAN BIALEK: Majoring in ...
ANGIE: Um, Masters in Library Science.
[Dan turns to the camera with an annoyed look, as people off camera start snickering]
DAN BIALEK: I was hoping you were gonna say "Human Sexuality" or y'know, "Bow Hunting." Like something like, "Oh, let's make fun" ... So, the Dewey Decimal System, you must be really into it.
ANGIE: [nods]
DAN BIALEK: Wait, how do you get a, I don't wanna say this sounds made up. I have an English degree, so blah. I don't, my degree's made up. "Creative Writing" ... Ooh, I drew a doodle and I got a degree!
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: But you have a Masters in Library ... Science?
ANGIE: Mm-hmm.
DAN BIALEK: So it's a BS?
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: No no, not like a pun. But I mean, it's like a Bachelor of Science?
ANGIE: Uh, Masters ...
DAN BIALEK: A Masters? It's hard to get my mind around six or seven years of college. So, did you write a paper to get your Masters, or something?
ANGIE: Um ...
DAN BIALEK: A thesis?
ANGIE: I had a practicum ...
DAN BIALEK: What ... Everyone is dead silent, Angie! What is, what is six years of schooling for ... So two years, GE. Three years--
[someone off camera says "Ask her what her Bachelor's was!"]
DAN BIALEK: Oh Jesus, what was your Bachelor?
ANGIE: "Fine Arts Painting."
[someone off camera says "We went to art school together!"]
DAN BIALEK: Y'know, if you had said "Animal Husbandry", then I'd be like "Oh, you jerked off a goat!" That would be more ... "Fine Arts Painting"?
[someone off camera says "I'm a veterinarian, I work for a vet!"]
DAN BIALEK: Okay, well y'know what? Then you bang a guy who's a veteran, so it's like a win-win! I get it, you're bringing a lot to the table! Angie, jump in here and take the power back!
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: What, as a librarian ... Y'know what's really weird, Angie? You're really quiet, and you wanna be a librarian. Kinda fits perfectly, because you're very silent.
ANGIE: Uh, you haven't seen me drunk.
DAN BIALEK: Yeah, crazy woman, I like that! Why librarian science? Was it the last thing open? You're like, "Aw, two o'clock class, I hafta get up early!"
ANGIE: Uh, because I wasn't ... As a fine arts major, I was having shit jobs. And I was sick of it.
DAN BIALEK: So you're gonna, are you gonna be like a librarian, like paints all these pictures at night, and then like when you die your garage is gonna be full of all these paintings?
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: And can you leave a bunch to me, so I can totally like buy like a TV, like plasma screen and stuff?
ANGIE: I'll see what I can do ...
DAN BIALEK: Waddaya paint? Because like, the library stuff, like "Waddaya like to organize? Oh, I'm really into non-fiction, because it goes more by author than by subject." Y'know, and I think that's retarded, so like--
ANGIE: I control the information!
DAN BIALEK: Okay, so when libraries are all online in five years, you're gonna be working at Subways. Good job, good job!
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: We'll be there together, you'll be my shift manager. I'll be getting drunk offa homemade wine, like prison ... Uh, what do you paint?
ANGIE: I haven't painted since I graduated. Art school kind of killed me.
DAN BIALEK: Did you used to paint ... So, art school sucked the joy, love and creativity for the art form out of you?
ANGIE: It did.
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: So waddaya like to do?
ANGIE: I like to rollerblade.
DAN BIALEK: [pause] Okay. Competitively, or just freestyle?
ANGIE: Uh, just freestyle.
DAN BIALEK: Okay, and then you like to go ... Do you get drunk?
ANGIE: Oh, yeah yeah!
DAN BIALEK: You're like, tiny ... A beer and a half, and then you've got your bra off--
ANGIE: Guinness. Yeah, two Guinnesses and I'm done.
DAN BIALEK: So you go to bars?
ANGIE: Yeah.
DAN BIALEK: What kinda bars do you like?
ANGIE: Uh ...
DAN BIALEK: Hey, can anybody ... Do you have a picture at a bar, do you know what I mean? You look very nice, and pretty and normal, but I mean I don't picture you saddlin' up to a bar next to a couple of truck drivers, "Oh, gimmee the old Rusty Nails!"
ANGIE: [points to someone off camera] She can tell some stories, actually.
ANGIE: Oh yeah!
DAN BIALEK: You probably like flash school buses--
[someone off camera says "I've seen her in a mosh pit with a bunch of seven-foot-tall guys in Amsterdam!"]
DAN BIALEK: You've been to Amsterdam?
ANGIE: Mm-hmm.
DAN BIALEK: Did you go to the sex show?
ANGIE: Uh ... No we didn't.
DAN BIALEK: No? Okay, good. Some people go, it's very boring. It's like two heavy metal couples, out of shape, doing it really slow. And the guy's got half a boner, and you're like "Aw man, that's not like on the TV!"
ANGIE: I did hook up with a hot Dutch guy though, so--
DAN BIALEK: You hooked up with a hot--
[someone off camera yells "Yeah!"]
DAN BIALEK: She seems so prim, like the quiet librarian! She's giving handjobs all over Europe!
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: Yeah, you are! Livin' it! Aw! So did you smoke weed, and just like grab some dude and he was Dutch? He was all "Gurgly gurgly!" and you're like "I don't even understand your language! [makes licking motion]"
ANGIE: [laughs]
[someone off camera says "Kinda like that!"]
ANGIE: Yeah, kinda like that ...
DAN BIALEK: Oh my god, do you still talk to him?
ANGIE: Uh ...
[someone off camera says "I do!"]
ANGIE: She does.
DAN BIALEK: You've got Airport's wiener, you don't need more in your life!
[someone off camera says "I grew up in Amsterdam!"]
DAN BIALEK: Wait, you grew up in Amsterdam?
[someone off camera says "Yeah, I did."]
DAN BIALEK: So did you--
[someone off camera says "Two blocks from the Anne Frank house."]
DAN BIALEK: Aw, it's so sad. The Anne Frank house is weird, because I was in the Anne Frank house, where Anne Frank lived hiding from the Nazis one time, and these two frat guys were in front of me, in like Abercrombie, like little popped collar shirts. And one guy turns to the other guy, I swear, "Dude, this is fucking boring. I told you we shoulda went to the Heineken brewery!"
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: 'Cause they coulda gone to the brewery tour, or the Anne Frank house, and the one guy's like "Let's go to Anne Frank's house, we'll get some culture." "Dude, we'd be so drunk right now, and it's only 10 AM, you're a fag!" And I was just like, "Oh, we're doomed."
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: It was like my own Borat moment. Then they probably said something about the Jews, which is probably totally ironic. Bastards ... So you got, what other countries have you gotten drunk in and hooked up with dudes?
ANGIE: Um, this one ...
DAN BIALEK: Germany?
ANGIE: Uh ...
DAN BIALEK: I could see you in Germany, like a beer girl with like your shirt off, going "Aw, come to the Motherland!" And then you're pushing two German guys in your titties, like "Yeah, you love it!"
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: "You suckle at Mommy's milk!"
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: I don't know why you'd say "Mommy's milk," but maybe, right?
ANGIE: I haven't been to Germany, but that's something to look forward to.
DAN BIALEK: What do you, what countries do you plan to go to make out with other guys and do you have any plans for like Guadalajara in the fall or anything? Mexico?
ANGIE: Um ...
ANGIE: Uh, well, I've been to Canada.
ANGIE: I got strip searched at the Canadian border.
DAN BIALEK: Yeah you did! Did you make it sexy and put on a sweet tape, like some Fergie or something?
ANGIE: It was my first time naked in front of a Canadian, so it was kinda cool.
DAN BIALEK: But probably not your last on that three day trip ...
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: Probably ... not your last. Is there any, Angie, is there anyone you wanna say hi to? Like, to the Dutch guy? I don't know his crazy Dutch language, it's probably made up anyway.
ANGIE: [waves to the camera and says something in Dutch]
DAN BIALEK: Does that mean, like, "I'll suck your dick 'til it falls off?"
ANGIE: [nods]
DAN BIALEK: That was a little too dirty for the librarian, but I couldn't think of anything short enough to fit in that sentence!
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: Okay well, what is that, what'd you just say, for real?
ANGIE: [looks off camera] Uh, I think that was "Hi", wasn't it?
[someone off camera says "Hi."]
ANGIE: It was "Hi," yeah.
DAN BIALEK: Alright, saying "Hi" to a Dutch guy sounds like you're saying "Do you want a sandwich?" to a retard ... [impersonates a mentally challenged person] "Dojyou want sandwich?"
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: Like I don't ... That's, the Dutch are a very beautiful people. I'm sorry. Angie, is there anyone else besides the guy that you gave a hand-o to that you wanna say "hi" to?
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: See how I make it "handjob," I don't say "sex." "Handjob" is not even base, like we talked about earlier, "handjob" is just nice and polite. Y'know, I'm not saying you put your feet up, with your burkha sandals, y'know, behind your ears and were going nuts on him. But you probably were, because you got that gleam in your eye. You have that crazy "I'll take two weiners at once" look!
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: Like, you know what I mean? Like you're skiing down a mountain of shame! "I'm seven thousand miles away from Ohio, they'll never know!"
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: "I'm gonna get stains that you can't get out with, y'know, Spray 'n Wash ... "
ANGIE: [laughs]
DAN BIALEK: Well, thank you very much, Angie. You're like the sexiest dirtiest drunk librarian I've ever met.
ANGIE: Thank you.
DAN BIALEK: And I've been a lotta places! Thank you.
ANGIE: Thank you!



Dan Bialek is a standup comedian and writer based in Hollywood, California. Although not particularly fond of animals Dan chose to call his DotComedy vlog Dan Bialek Loves Kittens. He did so because he felt it had a catchier ring than "Hey, What's That Dork With The Hard To Spell Last Name Doing Now?" You can see episodes of "Dudes In Bed" where Dan and his straight male comic friends discuss men's issues in their underwear or "Dan On The Street" which is exactly what it sounds like. It's Dan... On the street.

Ironically, when Dan's not busy performing standup comedy and making video blogs for Dot Comedy he enjoys spending his free time with his two pets, Gary Fish In Space (a blue male betta) and David Taylor (a gray female housecat).

Dan runs and hosts a popular weekly Friday night standup comedy show in downtown Los Angeles called The People You'll Like Show. He is also a member of Sean Crespo and Carol Hartsell's comedy mafia Drink At Work

Dan's vlogs include Dan On The Street, in which he wanders around the paved surfaces of this great country's metropolitan areas interviewing and/or annoying passersby, as well as Dudes In Bed, a weekly interview vlog that boasts being the "first webisode show featuring heterosexual men in their underwear discussing men's issues." Why it would boast about such a thing is beyond us.

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