Case Study No. 1470: Unnamed Female Librarian (Crank Yankers)

Crank Yankers - Kevin Needs Help With Homework
3:21
Kevin calls the library to get help with homework.
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Added: 2 years ago
From: RaptorSeaan
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["4:29 PM. Kevin needs help with his homework" appears on screen, then cut to the inside of the Yankerville Public Library, where a female librarian puppet answers the phone]
LIBRARIAN: Public library, how can I help you?
[cut to the room of a young male puppet, modeled after Kevin Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel's real-life son), as he talks to the librarian over the phone]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Hi, is this the library?
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Yeah.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: I need to look up two words in the dictionary.
[cut back to the librarian, as she laughs]
LIBRARIAN: Okay, and what words are those?
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: One of the words is "topography."
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Lemmee go get a dictionary and check it out, okay?
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: I asked my brother for help, but he's retarded.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Oh ...
[she laughs again]
LIBRARIAN: That's not nice.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Do you have it?
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Oh, I'm looking for it. I'm looking it up.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: It's in the "T"s, not the "P"s.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Yeah, I know that. And I'm looking, let's see ... I'm trying to see if it's, um, an "E" or--
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: I don't have all night.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Oh, don't worry. It won't take all night.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Spongebob's comin' on in a few minutes ...
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay, hold on.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Okay ...
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay, all it says is "the condition of a district soon after the begin--"
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: [loudly] Slow down!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: [slowly] "The condition ... "
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Okay.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "Of a district ... soon after ... the beginning--"
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Hold on! Hold on, I can't understand you. What, you got marbles in your mouth?
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: No.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Let's take it from the top.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay ... "The condition," okay? "Of a district" ...
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: "Of" ... what?
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "Of a district."
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: I thought you said "dickhead" ...
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: No, "district."
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Keep going.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "Soon after" ...
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: You don't have to go so slow, I'm not retarded. Like my brother.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "Of erosion" ...
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: "Of erosion" ... Okay.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay? Um ... "By extreme winds."
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Okay.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "Main branches have--"
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Jesus Christ! How long is this?
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "Well developed, narrow valleys in the areas between the streams."
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: I'll be done with high school by the time it's finished!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Mm, yeah ... "Are little modified." And that's the whole definition.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Okay, give it to me one more time.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "The condition of a district--"
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Do it sad!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: No, that's okay. There's the definition, was there something else you needed looked up?
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Yes, one more word.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: What?
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: "Lesbian."
[cut back to the librarian, as she laughs]
LIBRARIAN: Okay.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Three minutes 'til Spongebob! Hurry!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay ... "Highly sensual erotic--"
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: What does "erotic" mean?
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: It's very tense in, like, sexuality ...
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Oh, horny.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: No!
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Please, don't make it too hard! I'm only in second grade!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: I'm not! I'm not, I'm not. Okay ... "The repeated homosexuality brand associated--"
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: You know a lot about being a lezbo!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: No, I'm just reading this from the book.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Oh.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: "Homosexuality brand associated with Sappho."
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Who?
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: The Greek poet.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Those Greeks were all homos!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay ... "Of or relating to homosexuality, relations between females."
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Read it back sexy.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Why?
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Because ... Just read it back sexy.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay ... "Of or relating to homosexual relations between females."
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: I love it!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Okay, is that it?
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: You've made me a man!
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Really now?
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: I'll never forget you.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Really now? Y'know, you're kind of weird--
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Goodnight, sweet cheeks.
[cut back to the librarian]
LIBRARIAN: Yeah, whatever. Bye.
[cut back to Kevin]
KEVIN KIMMEL: Bye.
[he hangs up]

---

From angelfire.com:

"Crank Yankers" (Season 2, Episode 13)
Kevin needs help with his homework. He needs two words looked up: Topography ("It's in the Ts, not Ps") and "Lesbian" ("Read it to me sexy" "Thanks, you made me a man today!")
* Kevin portrayed by Kevin Kimmel

About: Crank Yankers is an American TV show produced by Adam Carolla, Jimmy Kimmel and Daniel Kellison that featured actual prank calls made by show regulars and celebrity guests, and re-enacted onscreen by puppets for a visual aid to show the viewer what is happening in the call.