Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Case Study No. 1428: Unnamed Female Librarian (Portlandia)

Adult Hide & Seek League - Portlandia
In Portlandia houdt de Hide & Seek-League een competitie verstoppertje voor volwassenen. Hoe sterk zijn de teams in 'wie niet weg is, is gezien'? En wie is in hemelsnaam Ziggy Hidedust?
Bekijk dit fragment van Portlandia.
Added: 1 year ago
From: svenuse
Views: 35,912

[scene opens with an exterior shot of the PCC Library (North-East Portland), then cut to inside where a group of people wearing yellow "Sherlock Holmies" t-shirts are gathered around a table]
STEWART: What's up, Sherlock Holmies? Ready for another game of hide and seek? This isn't dodge ball, this isn't kick ball, any of that nonsense. There's strategy to this. Remember, your first spot that you see isn't the first place you go!
[he turns to his bearded teammate]
STEWART: What was that last week? What did you hide behind? A newspaper? What is this, 1934? I-I was sad for myself that I know you.
[he turns to another male teammate with a cowlick]
STEWART: And what, where are you hiding? Behind your hair?
[he says nothing, when one of the female teammates speaks up]
SUSAN: So, are there smoke breaks and stuff?
STEWART: You guys, get your heads in the game, okay?
[he picks up a magic marker from the table and starts writing on the whiteboard behind him]
STEWART: "Seek" ...
[he tries to turn the word into an acroynm, writing "ee" under the "S"]
STEWART: See, Every ...
[he pauses, then just writes "very" again under the second "E"]
STEWART: Every ... Kind of spot.
SUSAN: Okay, at the after party, one thing that would be fun? Eighties karaoke!
[another female teammate smiles, but the "coach" becomes very sarcastic at the suggestion]
STEWART: Yeah, I had this other idea ... I was thinking, like, we can win a championship just once!
[he shrugs his shoulders and gives her an exaggerated smile]
STEWART: Y'know, wouldn't that be crazy? It'd be like some kind of a fun thing to do?
[cut to a closeup of a clock on the wall, as "Round 1" appears on screen]
[cut to the main reading room, as a whistle blows, causing the Sherlock Holmies to scatter while their red-shirted opponents (The Punky Bruisers) close their eyes and count]
BRUISERS CAPTAIN: One vegan bacon cheeseburger ...
[cut to Susan running breathlessly through the library, looking for a place to hide]
BRUISERS CAPTAIN: [from off camera] Two vegan bacon cheeseburgers ...
[cut to various shots of other members of the Sherlock Holmies hiding (Stewart behind a "CA-LIB" book truck, the cowlick guy behind a potted plant, etc.), then back to the Punky Bruisers as they uncover their eyes]
BRUISERS CAPTAIN: Ready or not, here we come!
[they run off, then cut to more shots of the "match" (Stewart rolling a step stool behind him, a curly-haired Sherlock Holmies member hiding under a study carrel and holding his breath), when the Bruisers captain finds the guy hiding behind the potted plant]
BRUISERS CAPTAIN: Found you. You're out.
[cut to Stewart hiding (badly) behind a desktop PC monitor, when Susan runs up behind him]
SUSAN: [whispers] Hey, Stewart.
STEWART: [whispers] What're you doing? Get outta here!
[she tries to "hide" under the desk]
SUSAN: [whispers] I have a question about the after party.
STEWART: [whispers] The aft--!
SUSAN: [whispers] Could we bring people not on--
[he gets frustrated and yells out for the referee]
STEWART: Time out!
[a whistle blows]
STEWART: Hey, time out ...
[he gets up from his hiding spot and turns to her]
STEWART: Susan, there are rules to this.
[he points to the monitor]
STEWART: This was ... genius, and you've just ruined it.
[she looks away in shame]
STEWART: Ref, can I get a ref?
[a young boy wearing a referee's shirt and carrying a rule book enters the scene]
STEWART: Uh, will you kindly state to my teammate what the rules are in this situation?
REFEREE: Sure ...
[he opens the rule book and starts reading]
REFEREE: "Any player who happens upon another player's hiding spot must cede the territory to its original founder."
STEWART: Thank you.
SUSAN: I didn't know. Okay.
[the referee turns to leave, but Susan tries to call her back]
SUSAN: What're you doing later?
[cut to a closeup of the clock on the wall, as "Round 2" appears on screen]
[a whistle blows, then cut to more shots of the Bruisers looking for the Holmies, when an elderly woman sits at a desk to read]
STEWART: [from off camera] Ahem ...
[she looks down, then cut to a shot of Stewart hiding under the desk]
ELLEN: Can I help you?
STEWART: [whispers] I'm hiding.
ELLEN: From what?
STEWART: [whispers] Portland's Adult Hide and Seek League.
[she shakes her head and starts reading her book]
ELLEN: There's weirdoes everywhere ...
STEWART: [whispers] No, it ... I'm not a weirdo.
[she looks down at him again]
STEWART: [whispers] If you're talking, just make it look like you're talking to yourself, like you're a crazy person.
[she laughs]
ELLEN: No I won't! Why don't you just get a job and go to work like a normal person?
STEWART: [whispers] I do work ... I work at a co-op, and you buy--
ELLEN: So it's a hippy place.
STEWART: [whispers] We are not like hippies at all. We like to think of ourselves as more alternative.
ELLEN: So where do you live?
STEWART: [whispers] I've got about three roommates, I'm up on the north side. It's kind of a house, but it's kind of falling apart.
[she sighs]
ELLEN: It's kind of a house, but it's kinda falling apart ...
STEWART: [whispers] Yes, ma'am.
ELLEN: I think that describes your life right now, honey ...
[cut to a closeup of the clock on the wall, as "Round 3" appears on screen]
[a whistle blows, then cut to more shots of the Bruisers looking for the Holmies]
[cut to a female librarian (her face cut out of the camera shot) pushing a book truck ... revealing that Susan was trying to hide behind it, so she quickly tries to "crab-walk" out of sight]
[cut to the Bruisers captain walking through the stacks]
BRUISERS CAPTAIN: American literature is clear! Arts and artists, clear!
[cut to Susan sticking her head out from between some books on the shelf]
SUSAN: [whispers] Stewart? I feel like we should make an official t-shirt, like an after party t-shirt?
[the camera pans up to show Stewart hiding on the shelf above Susan]
STEWART: [whispers] Oh, I have a good design for the t-shirt ... How about "We'll Never Win This Game As Long As We're Obsessed With Something As Stupid As an After Party?"
[she takes out her phone and starts to type out his suggestion, then realizes that he's making fun of her]
[cut to the curly-haired Holmie hiding under the study carrel as one of the Bruisers walks past, then the camera zooms in on his pants to show that he's wet himself]
[cut to the Bruisers captain holding the bearded Holmie in a headlock and leading him through the stacks, right past the female librarian (red hair, glasses, flower-print dress)]
[cut to one of the Bruisers walking out of a room, then Stewart pokes his head out of the doorway (from an angle where it would've been impossible for the opponent not to have seen him)]
[cut to a closeup of the clock on the wall, as the hand reaches Twelve and a buzzer sounds]
[cut to the two teams gathered back in the main reading room, drinking from bottles of beer]
SUSAN: Nice game, you guys.
[she walks up to the young referee (also holding a bottle of beer)]
SUSAN: Thanks for showing me that rule and everything, I didn't know.
REFEREE: You're welcome.
[they clink bottles]
SUSAN: Cheers.
[cut to Stewart walking down the stairs]
STEWART: Hey, nobody found me!
SUSAN: Whoa, Stewart!
STEWART: Ha ha! Looks like we won, a little bit.
SUSAN: Oh my gosh!
[they gather to celebrate, when an obese older man with a long beard walks into the scene]
ZIGGY: Hey, you didn't win ... I won. I've been hidin' since 1979.
SUSAN: Wait a second ... Were you the guy in Ziggy Hidedust and the Hiders from Mars?
[he smiles and nods]
ZIGGY: That's right.
STEWART: It's amazing! Where were you hiding?
ZIGGY: The most awesome spot you've ever seen.
[both teams start buzzing at the news, looking around and talking amongst themselves]
STEWART: Whoa! I bet you he was hiding right behind ... there!
SUSAN: He musta been over there!
[Stewart suddenly stops]
STEWART: Wait a minute ... He's gone!
SUSAN: What?
[the camera focuses on the place where Ziggy had been standing, and Stewart chuckles]
STEWART: Oh well ... Next week, right?
[they all toast each other, as the female librarian stares at them from the front desk with a look of confusion]
[cut to the young referee walking off by himself, when he turns the corner and finds a make-shift "bunker" built underneath one of the tables, as ominous music plays while the camera zooms in on the jars of urine]


From wikipedia.org:

Season 1, Episode 1
Original Air Date: January 21, 2011

Peter and Nance go to great lengths to make sure that their restaurant order is ethical and humane (guest starring Jason Sudeikis). Also: Dream of the 90's, Mind-Fi, restroom policy of the Feminist bookstore (based on In Other Words bookstore), Hide and Seek League.

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