Conan Schwarzenegger Ismail - The Noose Season 4 Episode 8
Conan Schwarzenegger Ismail - The Noose Season 4 Episode 8
Tags: Conan Schwarzenegger Ismail The Noose Season Episode
Added: 2 years ago
[scene opens with two news anchors speaking directly to the camera]
ROY TERSE: Hello, and welcome back to The Noose ... Despite repeated reminders, some Singaporeans are refusing to return books borrowed from the library, some from as far back as twenty years.
ADRIANNA WOW: And library officials now say, enough is enough! If you're one of these serial book hoarders ...
[she turns to her co-anchor and smiles]
ADRIANNA WOW: I don't have a problem, I don't read.
ROY TERSE: It's obvious.
ADRIANNA WOW: You may soon be visited by the National Library's new secret weapon. Jacques Ooi has all the details.
[cut to a black and white photograph of Groucho Marx, then to several photograph of dogs next to books]
JACQUES OOI: [in voice over] The great American comedian Groucho Marx once said, "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
[cut to a male reporter ("Jacques Ooi, jooi [at] thenoose dot com") outside of the public library, speaking directly to the camera]
JACQUES OOI: But it seems that many Singaporeans just can't get enough of reading, so much so that they hoard borrowed library books for months on end. Despite many reminders by National Library officials to return borrowed books on time, many continue to hoard them as if they were treasured heirlooms.
[cut to several still images of patrons using the library]
JACQUES OOI: [in voice over] Now the angry librarians have come up with a bold new strategy to literally throw the book at recalcitrant hoarders.
[cut to a male librarian ("Wu Tak Cheh, Librarian") speaking directly to the camera]
WU TAK CHEH: We, as peaceful bookworms, tried to be nice. First, we send them dainty little reminders ... and then second reminders. And so on, and so forth.
[his smile fades away]
WU TAK CHEH: But still these clowns refuse to turn in their tomes. So, that leaves us with no choice but to--
[he suddenly lifts his arms and yells]
WU TAK CHEH: Release the kraken!
[he gives the camera an impish grin]
WU TAK CHEH: [quietly] Yeah.
[cut to an overweight Singaporean (wig of long red hair, no shirt, kilt, bracelets and headband apparently made out of aluminum foil) carrying a large bag while walking towards an apartment building, as dramatic music plays]
JACQUES OOI: [in voice over] His name is Conan, and since this morning he's been on a warpath, one HDB block and one bungalow at a time. He takes no quarter.
[cut to Conan climbing the stairs and stopping in front of one apartment]
JACQUES OOI: [in voice over] Stand in the way of the man and the books, and you risk being torn down mercilessly, like the old national library at Stamford Road.
[he rings the bell, and when a man answers, he pushes him inside as the sounds of a fight can be heard ... until he re-emerges, holding a book and speaking in a bad Arnold Schwarenegger impression]
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: If you don't return the books, you cannot borrow more books! How can you borrow more books, if you don't return the books? Bodo!
[he puts the book in the bag, then looks around the floor for one of his shoes]
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: I may have lost my sandal, but I'll be back!
[he leaves, then cut to the assaulted patron ("Alfred Yeo") in his apartment, speaking directly to the camera]
ALFRED YEO: I don't understand why they have to be so high-handed about this, it's just a book! You know, I really cherish that book ... "The Mayor of Casterbridge!" Ever since I was forced to read it for my A levels!
[he starts to cry]
ALFRED YEO: Now they're just gonna take it away like that ... "Mayore of Casterbridge!"
[cut to Conan walking outside, carrying the bag over his shoulder]
JACQUES OOI: [in voice over] As a busy day draws to an end, Conan's bag of banded books weighs heavily on his shoulder. Just one more house to ransack.
[cut to Conan ("Conan Schwarzenegger Ismail, Book Recovery Collector") speaking directly to the camera]
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: People accuse me of being rough. People accuse me of being unsympathetic to their book fetishes ... but, do they spare a thought about me? Look at me! I have to walk around in this outrageous ridiculous outfit in the hot sun, eight am to six pm, every day! Cut me, do I not bleed? Poison me, do I not die? Rob me, do I not take revenge?
[he yells gibberish, then points off camera]
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: This next clown, huh? Julius Stan Cocaine ... You know, the last time, when the library sent him a reminder? He wrote back and said, "I don't live here anymore!"
[cut to Conan confronting a man with a book clutched to his chest]
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: Give me that book!
[he shakes his head]
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: Give me the book now!
[he grabs the book, but the man refuses to let go]
JULIUS STAN COCAINE: You can take my father, you can take my mother, but you cannot take my "Insider's Guide to Sydney and San Francisco!"
[they continue to struggle]
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: Let it go! Let it go now!
JULIUS STAN COCAINE: No!
CONAN SCHWARZENEGGER ISMAIL: I am growing tired of this ...
JULIUS STAN COCAINE: I'm very strong!
[cut back to the two news anchors speaking directly to the camera]
ROY TERSE: Time for a quick breather.
ADRIANNA WOW: The Noose will be back after these brain-washing messages. Stay tuned!
The Noose is a Singapore comedy TV series produced by MediaCorp Channel 5 which has aired in Singapore for six seasons, in 2007, 2008, 2010, 2011 and 2013. Although the name of the show plays on the word The News, the literal gallows humor of the program's name is unlikely to be missed by viewers in a country which executes people by hanging.
The Noose is a parody of local news programmes such as News 5 Tonight, with fictional news reports and a presentation mimicking that of the real news. For example, every episode of News 5 Tonight begins with a CGI clock indicating the time, while every episode of the first two seasons of The Noose would spoof it by displaying the time using something more mundane, such as a plastic clock hanging on a wall. At the beginning of every episode, there is a candid disclaimer (voiced by Alaric Tay) telling the viewer that the stories are not true. Each episode stars Michelle Chong, Chua En Lai, Alaric Tay and Suhaimi Yusof, with various actors and actresses as newscasters and interviewees, often with parodic mannerisms and names.
The show has received recognition both locally and internationally. It earned a nomination at the International Emmy Awards 2011 in the comedy category. The cast has also been nominated and won awards and commendations at the Asian Television Awards.