Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Case Study No. 0903: Joe Bauers

Tags: WPR29533
Added: 2 years ago
From: foxhomeent
Views: 13,307

[scene opens on an unnamed military base, where a male Army librarian sits alone at his desk, when two other soldiers approach him]
SARGEANT KELLER: Hey Bauers. This is Peterson ... your new replacement.
JOE BAUERS: My what?! I'm getting replaced?
SARGEANT KELLER: Yeah, they didn't tell you?
SARGEANT KELLER: Some new assignment. They're being all weird, hush-hush about it.
JOE BAUERS: I don't want a new assignment! I tell Sargeant Metzler that every time, I'm good at this!
[the sargeant chuckles]
SARGEANT KELLER: Good at what? Sittin' on ass? No one ever comes in here!
JOE BAUERS: Yeah, I know, it's perfect for me! No one bothers me, I can't screw up! If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension! I'm all set!
[the private leans in and lowers his voice]
JOE BAUERS: Can you just get me outta this?
SARGEANT KELLER: No way, not this time. It's coming from high up.
[he leans back in his chair with a confused look on his face]
JOE BAUERS: I don't understand ... Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get outta the way," I get outta the way.
SARGEANT KELLER: Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get outta the way!" It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following.
JOE BAUERS: That doesn't embarrass me ...
SARGEANT KELLER: Look Joe, you don't have a choice. You're just gonna have to follow. Like follow me, upstairs, like now.
JOE BAUERS: Right now? Uh, shouldn't I train this guy?
[he points at Peterson, but the sargeant just smiles]
SARGEANT KELLER: I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day ... Let's go.
[he gets up and follows his superior out of the library (as his replacement sits down at his desk), then cut to a conference room where a photograph of Bauers is being displayed on a projector screen]
OFFICER COLLINS: Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers, our first subject for the human hibernation experiment. Now, as you know, throughout the years many of our best pilots, soldiers, and military leaders often go their entire careers without seeing battle. With the human hibernation project, we will be able to save our best men, frozen in their prime, for use when they're needed most.
[cut to a shot of the generals sitting around the table, then back to the officer leading the presentation]
OFFICER COLLINS: Joe here ... is not one of our best men. Mister Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.
[he changes to the next slide, showing a graph labelled "Intelligence Quotient" that shows Joe Bauers right at the center]
OFFICER COLLINS: Uh, extremely average.
[he changes to the next slide, showing another graph labelled "Blood Pressure" (where Joe's name is once again right in the middle)]
OFFICER COLLINS: In every category.
[he skips through the next several slides, showing more graphs (presumably with Joe's name also right at the center)]
OFFICER COLLINS: Remarkably, truly ... The most average person in our entire Armed Forces. Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried, is an only child, and both parents are deceased. Making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions should something go wrong with the experiment.


From imdb.com:

The Future Is A No Brainer.

Private Joe Bauers, the definition of "average American", is selected by the Pentagon to be the guinea pig for a top-secret hibernation program. Forgotten, he awakes 500 years in the future. He discovers a society so incredibly dumbed-down that he's easily the most intelligent person alive.

Joe Bauers, an Army librarian, is judged to be absolutely average in every regard, has no relatives, has no future, so he's chosen to be one of the two test subjects in a top-secret hibernation program. He and hooker Rita were to awaken in one year, but things go wrong and they wake up instead in 2505. By this time, stupid people have outbred intelligent people; the world is (barely) run by morons--and Joe and Rita are the smartest people in America.

The purpose of the program set up by the Pentagon, called the "Human Hibernation Project," is designed so that the military can save their best men for when they're needed most. According to the officers heading the project, too many times the talents and expensive training of the best pilots and soldiers go to waste during times of peace. So they enlist Bauers (Wilson), the most under-achieving average guy they've got, to be the test subject for the initial hibernation experiment. Also participating in the top-secret program is Rita (Rudolph), a prostitute who agreed to take part in exchange for dropping some criminal charges against her, among other things. Of course, the experiment, which was to last only a year, goes under due to the arrest of Officer Collins, who is busted for heading a prostitution ring. Seeing as though he was in charge of the experiment, one of the only ones who knew of its existence, and "due to a lot of top-secret red tape... and the massive scandals and base closure that followed, Joe and Rita were forgotten about.

Starring: Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph and Dax Shepard.

Cast & Characters: Luke Wilson as Joe Bauers, Maya Rudolph as Rita, Dax Shepard as Frito, Terry Crews as President Camacho, David Herman as Secretary of State, Justin Long as Doctor, Patrick Fischler as Yuppie Husband, Darlene Hunt as Yuppie Wife, Valerie Posas as New Slutty Girl, Andrew Wilson as Beef Supreme, Joseph Cheatham as Doctor in Waiting Room, Heather Kafka as Woman at Carl's Jr., Randal Reeder as Secret Service Thug, Brendan Hill as Secretary of Energy, Thomas Haden Church as Brawndo CEO, Greg Pitts as Cameraman, Jason Konopisos as Cop at Government Center, Mitch Baker as Doctor - with Trashy Guy and Chris Warner as Cop at Costco.

Directed by Mike Judge. Produced by Mike Judge, Elysa Koplovitz and Michael Nelson. Written by Mike Judge and Etan Cohen. Narrated by Earl Mann. Music by Theodore Shapiro. Cinematography by Tim Suhrstedt. Editing by David Rennie. Distributed by 20th Century Fox. Release date: September 1, 2006. Running time: 84 minutes in English.

Rated R by the MPAA for language and sex-related humor.


From earthlink.net:


Judge, Mike (Director). Idiocracy. United States: 20th Century Fox, 2006.

Starring: Luke Wilson (Pvt. Joe Bauers, Army Librarian); Maya Rudolph (Rita, Prostitute)

This dark future comedy (well, dark in a silly way) opens with a clever narrative to illustrate the premise that "Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence." We are shown how stupid people breed faster than intelligent people, and five hundred years of "dumbing down" results in a future population that can barely function. "But in the year 2005 in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C., a simple Army librarian was unknowingly about to change the entire course of human history." Intro Pvt. Joe Bauers, overseeing a large room with rows and rows of labeled books all clean, organized, spiffy -- and completely unused by anyone. Ever. He sits alone at his desk -- not lonely, just alone -- when two officers invade his domain. He is introduced to Peterson, his replacement, because Joe has a new assignment. "I don't want a new assignment," he tells the officer. "I'm good at this." "Good at what? Sittin' on your ass? No one ever comes in here." "Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me, I can't screw up. If I can stay in here another eight years I get my pension, I'm all set." But the officer can't save him from this special assignment as "It's coming from high up." "Why me?" Joe asks. "Every time Metzler says lead, follow or get out of the way, I get out of the way." He's told to report "right now." "Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?" The officer snorts, "I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day." Joe has been chosen for the Human Hibernation Project because, as Officer Collins explains when briefing the brass, "Joe here is not one of our best men." He's "remarkably average ... extremely average in every category." He is an only child, has no family, is unmarried, with no one to ask questions "if something should go wrong with the experiment." Joe and Rita are put to sleep for one year ... except during the year Officer Collins is arrested for pimping, the experiment is forgotten, and our stars don't wake up for five hundred years. The film grows more mindless as it progresses and won't be everyone's cup of tea. Still, one wonders how Mike ("Beavis and Butthead") Judge settled on librarian as a military position perfectly suited for a dull Average Joe. Okay, that was a rhetorical question.

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