HERE'S LUCY: Lucy Wreaks Havoc at the Library (Lucille Ball)
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Tags: love Lucy Lucille Ball classic comedy BJV
Added: 4 years ago
From: gkri2
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[Lucy breathlessly runs into the library and addresses the older female librarian at the front desk]
LUCY: Oh, excuse me! I have a terrible problem!
[the librarian holds up a red "Silence" sign]
LUCY: I don't smoke ... Uh uh uh, I have a terrible problem! A friend of mine brought a book in here and I'm--
LIBRARIAN: Keep your voice down!
LUCY: Oh ...
[she starts moving her lips, as if she's speaking, but no sound comes out]
LIBRARIAN: I can't hear a word you say!
LUCY: [whispering] A friend of mine just returned a book called "Kiss Me Stranger", and it has a hundred-dollar bill in it, and I've got to find it before somebody reads it and spends it!
LIBRARIAN: Well, I suggest you check the card catalog, the tables, and shelves ...
LUCY: The, the card shelves, the catalog ... tables.
[she heads towards a desk with books piled on them, and a lone male patron trying to read]
LUCY: [tapping the man on the shoulder] Excuse me, "Kiss Me Stranger?"
MALE PATRON 1: Forget it, honey, my wife's in town!
[she gives him a dirty look, then heads towards the next table, where she tries to pull a book out from underneath the elbow of another male patron, but pulls so hard that he ends up falling out of his chair]
MALE PATRON 2: Hey, what're ya doin'?!
LUCY: Oh, I'm sorry! This, this isn't the book that I was looking for ...
LIBRARIAN: [comes rushing over] You have to stop making noise!
LUCY: [points to the man] No, he made the noise ...
MALE PATRON 2: Yeah, but you pulled my chair out!
LUCY: [clapping her hands] Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!
LIBRARIAN: Miss, be quiet or get out!
LUCY: Yeah, alright. Okay, I've just gotta find that money in that book, before I lose a son-in-law ... even before my daughter gets engaged!
MALE PATRON 2: Keep talkin' lady, that story's better than the one I'm readin'!
LUCY: Shh!
LIBRARIAN: I just put some books back up on the shelves, why don't you look up there?
LUCY: Okay, thank you.
[she climbs the ladder near the bookshelves, but the male patron - after getting up off the floor - pushes it while she's still on to reach a book on the bottom shelf]
LUCY: Oh ...
[she pushes the ladder with her foot to get back where she started, then seamlessly gets off while it's still in motion to point at the librarian]
LUCY: Now I wasn't making any noise ...
[flustered, the librarian walks away, as Lucy climbs up the ladder again ... only the male patron is suddenly standing under it, and when she tries to climb down, she ends up sitting on his shoulders]
LIBRARIAN: [angrily runs towards them] Now, that's enough! If you two want to play piggy-back, go outside!
[Lucy slaps the man on the top of his head]
LUCY: Lemmee down!
[he sets her down]
MALE PATRON 2: Well, I'm sorry, lady! I didn't mean to pick you up!
LUCY: What makes you think you could?
LIBRARIAN: I must ask you to behave yourself, or leave!
LUCY: It wasn't my fault ... Alright! I'll behave, I'll behave!
[as the librarian goes back to the front desk, Lucy tries climbing the ladder again, only it slips out from under her and she starts pulling books off the shelves in a desperate attempt to regain her balance]
LUCY: No, no! Ooh, ah!
LIBRARIAN: What are you doing?!
LUCY: Could you hear that way over there?
[the librarian raises her arms in frustration, then calls over the library assistant - a nerdy older man in glasses - to take care of the problem]
LUCY: Oh ...
[she starts handing him books from off the floor, when she notices Mary Jane walk up to the front desk]
LUCY: Oh, Mary Jane!
[she hands Lucy the copy of "Kiss Me Stranger"]
MARY JANE: Lucy, I've been trying to get in touch with you, but this book has a hundred-dollar bill in it!
LUCY: I know, Mary Jane! You are an absolute doll! If you handn't found this, I don't know what I would've done ... I'm so happy, I could flip!
[the library assistant suddenly rolls a large garbage bin into the scene, but bumps Lucy from behind and causes her to fall in]
MARY JANE: [to the assistant] Oh, don't just stand there! Help her!
[instead, the library assistant just starts laughing, as the librarian comes running over]
LIBRARIAN: Now, I warned you! This time you have to leave!
LUCY: Well, give me a hand!
[Lucy reaches up to try and pull herself out, but ends up tearing the librarian's skirt off to reveal her multi-colored granny panties]
LIBRARIAN: Ahh!
[she screams and runs into the backroom of the library, as Harry - who had been secretly filming the whole time - starts chasing her with the camera focused squarely on her backside]
LUCY: Wow! Wow wow wow wow ... Shows you can't tell a book by its cover!
[Harry re-enters the scene and runs over to Lucy]
HARRY: Oh boy, this is going to be a wonderful picture!
LUCY: Don't forget, I'm the star!
HARRY: Oh no, you're not! You're out of it! We've got a new star ...
[he motions over to Craig]
HARRY: Come on, let's get her! Come on, come on!
[they both run into the backroom]
MARY JANE: Lucy, what's this all about?
LUCY: For an hour and a half, I was a leading lady!
[the librarian suddenly comes back screaming into the room, as the two men are still filming her, and she eventually runs out the front entrance]
LUCY: [to Mary Jane] Follow that star!
[Mary Jane pushes the garbage bin - with Lucy still in it - after the librarian, as the scene fades to black]
---
From luciearnaz.com:
"Here's Lucy"
Episode Number: 62 (Season 3, Episode 7)
Title: Lucy, the American Mother
Original Airing Date: October 26, 1970
Guest Stars (if any): Olive Dunbar (Librarian), Richard Collier (Library Assistant)
Plot Summary: Craig begins production on a documentary entitled "A Day in the Life of My Mother". But when Lucy realises that she has left Kim's boyfriend's $100 bill in a book that she had Mary Jane return to the library, the filming crew follow Lucy to the library on a mad hunt for the $100 bill. The librarian ends up as the star of the documentary instead.
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