Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Case Study No. 0811: "Librarian Retaliation!"

Librarian Retaliation!
The true price of a late fee!

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Added: 2 years ago
From: Tyler Williams
Views: 1,119

[scene opens with a young man leafing through a pile of books on the table in his house while talking into his cell phone]
JENKINS: So, when are you finishing that "Alaskan Hunter" series?
TYLER: [over the phone] Eh, eventually.
[cut to his friend sitting on his couch playing video games while talking into his cell phone]
TYLER: I've been so busy, and then "Fallout New Vegas" came out so I've got about ...
[cut back to the man in his house holding a book]
TYLER: [over the phone] Uh, no time.
JENKINS: Oh my god ...
TYLER: [over the phone] Awww ...
[cut back to his friend's house, as he smiles broadly]
TYLER: Did you just find the dead squirrel I stuffed in your couch?
[cut back to the man's house, as he gets a confused/disgusted look on his face]
JENKINS: What? No! I found a library book I forgot about ... Six months overdue.
TYLER: [over the phone] Whoa!
[cut back to his friend's house, as he sits up from the couch with a shocked look on his face]
TYLER: Six months?! Listen to me, get outta the house!
[cut back to the man's house, as he calmly leafs through the overdue book]
TYLER: [over the phone] Get that book back to the library right now! Get--
[the phone suddenly goes dead, but the man simply shrugs and throws it on the couch ... then the doorbell rings, and he opens it to find an attractive young woman (short red hair, glasses on a chain, black pantsuit) standing in the doorway with a smile on her face]
JENKINS: Can I help you?
LIBRARIAN: Mister Jenkins?
JENKINS: Yeah, that's me.
[the librarian suddenly drops the smile and takes a a gun from behind her back and points it in his face]
LIBRARIAN: I'm here to collect your late fee.
[he pauses for a second, then slams the door and tries to hide ... but the librarian kicks the door open and (now holding two guns) enters the room]
LIBRARIAN: That book belongs to P-N dot four-six-five-nine!
[as the librarian looks around, the man notices a shotgun propped up next to a chair in his kitchen, so he dives for it and engages in a firefight before both of them seek cover]
LIBRARIAN: Come on, Mister Jenkins! I'm a trained librarian! Think you can get outta this alive?
JENKINS: When did library fees get to be so high?!
LIBRARIAN: When you decided to be a delinquent renter!
[she smacks both gun barrels together (to reload their respective clips) and starts shooting again, so the man (after returning fire with a single shotgun blast) crouches down against the wall]
JENKINS: Listen, just take the book! I haven't even read it!
[the librarian pauses with a shocked look on her face]
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Didn't even read it?!
[she emerges from her cover and (in slow motion) begins firing while advancing towards the man's position ... eventually standing above him and pointing one of her guns in his face (while placing the other gun to her lips and "shushing" him)]
LIBRARIAN: Shh shh shh ... Inside voices.
[the man squeezes his eyes shut (expecting the end), but the librarian pulls the trigger and finds that the gun is out of bullets ... the man opens his eyes and swings his shotgun towards her, but she kicks it out of his hands and across the room]
[cut to a closeup of the librarian, as she throws her guns down and puts up her fists ... the man (with a smirk on his face) gets up]
JENKINS: Whoa there, you wanna fight me?
[he smiles and puts his hands over her fists]
JENKINS: Come on, I can't do that. You're a girl ... unless, of course, you were just trying to--
[he suddenly rears back and punches her in the face]
JENKINS: Kill me!
[she falls to the floor]
JENKINS: The Dewey Decimal System is needlessly complicated!
[he grabs the library book and runs out of the house, as the librarian soon follows]
LIBRARIAN: Melvil Dewey was a saint!
[cut to the man jumping into his car and driving away ... but eventually a bullet hole suddenly appears in his windshield]
[cut to the librarian driving after him, hanging out of her window and firing a gun as she laughs maniacally]
[cut back to the man in his car, as the frightened look on his face slowly turns into a smile]
JENKINS: [pause] That's hot!
[cut to the man pulling up in front of the library, as he runs (in slow motion) towards the book deposit slot]
[cut to the librarian pulling up and running out of her car, except she's too late ... the man shoves the overdue book into the return slot, then steps back with his hands in the air]
JENKINS: There, I returned it! What else ya gonna do? Ya gonna shoot me?
[the librarian walks up and points a finger into his chest]
LIBRARIAN: Mister Jenkins, your public library account has been suspended ...
[he shrugs his shoulders]
LIBRARIAN: Permanently.
[she walks away, as the man simply makes faces behind her back]


From tylertv.net:

We all know about late fees, but what we didn't know was how high they really are.

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