The Insulting Librarian - Mitchell & Webb
How to abuse the power you have as a librarian.
Tags: Mitchell Webb BBC Sketch Series Library Shane Ritchie book
Added: 4 years ago
[a female patron heads to the front desk and hands the male librarian a copy of "Rags to Riches" by Shane Richie]
PATRON: Can I just take this out?
[he takes the book and then coughs to get the attention of the other male librarian standing behind him, who looks at the cover and snickers]
PATRON: Oh, and can I reserve "Cold Mountain"?
LIBRARIAN: I said no, I'm not gonna reserve that for you. This is far more appropriate for you ...
[he holds up "Rags to Riches"]
PATRON: Well, I know it's silly. I just thought I'd read some--
LIBRARIAN: Gawd awful rubbish like you always do? Yeah, I'd steer clear of "Cold Mountain" if I were you. It's not like when you watched it on DVD with your girlfriends. There's no dishy Jude Law to hold your hands through the difficult prose.
LIBRARIAN: Yes, it's all words. Most of them quite a lot longer than the ones you'd find in your copy of "Top Sante."
LIBRARIAN: Or "Grazia" ...
[he types on the computer]
LIBRAIRAN: Look at that. That's a comprehensive list of all the depressing books you've ever taken out. Do you know what that tells me?
LIBRARIAN: It tells me you are possibly the dullest, most dunderheaded female ever to scrape together the mental wherewithal correctly to fill in a library application form. Did you have help?
PATRON: Did I what?!
LIBRARIAN: Shh! This is a library ...
[he turns back to the computer]
LIBRARIAN: Just look at it. It's like the reading list of the University of Thick.
PATRON: I went to Warwick ...
LIBRARIAN: When you talk to people, do you find they do this a lot? "Uh-huh yeah fine. Uh-huh yeah mmm."
PATRON: Well, I ...
LIBRARIAN: It's because they're not listening. When your friends see you, essentially they're doing you a favor. You're like a sort of charity for them, it's their way of giving something back. Basically, you're like him ...
[he points to a ceramic dog statue with a "Please Give" coin slot]
PATRON: Oh ...
LIBRARIAN: I'm making my donation now.
PATRON: I don't believe you're saying all this ...
LIBRARIAN: Uh-huh yeah fine. Uh-huh yeah mmm yeah.
PATRON: I mean, what gives you the right--
[he loudly stamps the book]
LIBRARIAN: Of course, it's difficult for you to grasp, you're a real idiot. Possibly one of the stupidest people I've ever met ... and I lived in Leatherhead for six miserable years. I'm getting bored just looking at you. You with your grey face and your dead eyes.
[she starts to tear up, but the librarian only responds with an exaggerated yawn]
LIBRARIAN: [yawns again] Bored! Are you still here, you soporific dullard?
PATRON: [crying] You're right. It's all true. My friends hate me.
LIBRARIAN: There, there.
PATRON: What can I do?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, what to do, what to do, what to do ... I've had a little thought.
LIBRARIAN: How 'bout a little date? Hmm? Just you and me, out and about on a little date?
[he grabs a bouquet of flowers from a passing old lady and hands it to her]
LIBRARIAN: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
PATRON: Why yes, I'd like that. I think I'd like to go on a little date with you. Do you think that'd be alright?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, a little date would suit me just fine ...
"That Mitchell and Webb Look" (Season 2, Episode 4)
Snotty Librarian: A woman loaning Shane Ritchie's autobiography has her book choices and boring personality picked on by a condescending, contemptuous librarian. Great writing and nicely acted by Robert Webb, heading into quite creepy territory when the woman breaks down and is offered a date. Funny.