Kat the Library Fine Bounty Hunter - Part 1 of 2
A parody of Dog the Bounty Hunter, library & information studies school style.
Tags: dog the bounty hunter library librarians library school
Added: 3 years ago
[scene opens with Kat the Library Fine Hunter sitting in a chair, with "Beth" (a man wearing a green wig and fake boobs) sitting on her lap]
KAT: I'm Kat O'Log, the library bounty hunter. I answer to no one but the Chief Librarian ...
[she points to the heavens]
KAT: This is my wife, Beth ...
KAT: Beth, lay some sweet heterosexual lovin' on me!
BETH: Oh, you bet your sweet bippie!
["she" kisses her on the cheek]
KAT: Ohh ... Today, we're after one Brandine Lumpkins. Wanted on one count of "NRM." Not returning materials.
KAT: Yeah, we have a few repeat offenders out there. People who have had various offenses against the library, and today we're gonna go get one of them! We're gonna get you, library destroyer!
BETH: Oh yeah!
[cut to Leland and Duane Lee speaking directly to the camera]
LELAND: Kat was in jail for years for scratching the hell out of the furniture store ... but while in the joint, our sister found the Library. That set her on the straight and narrow!
DUANE LEE: One day, in the prison library, she went to find this book that was supposed to be on the shelf, because it said so in the OPAC, then she got there and it wasn't there. So from that day forth, she decided that she would help other people on the straight and narrow, to the path to responsible library use. Here with her today, right?
DUANE LEE: Yeah bro!
[they fist bump]
DUANE LEE: Whoo!
[cut to Beth typing at the computer]
BETH: Hmm, looks like we got our perp here! Brandine Lumpkins at One Sixteenth Street and Ninety One Avenue!
KAT: Oh! Leland, Duane Lee, let's roll!
[they all leave, as one male patron looks over at Beth]
MALE PATRON: Hey Beth, do you still have my cuffs?
BETH: Oh goodness!
[a wanted poster "Brandine Lumpkins. Charge: Not Returning Library Materials. Armed and Dangerous" appears on screen, then cut to Kat knocking on the door, as Brandine (smoking a cigarette while holding a shotgun and a baby) answers]
BRANDINE: Who the [beep] are you?
KAT: Hey hey, wait a second, are you Brandine?
BRANDINE: What the [beep] are you doing on my front lawn? Yeah, I'm Brandine!
KAT: I'm from the Edmonton Public Library, you owe us two hundred and fifty dollars worth of fines for ... I believe, this book.
[Brandine's jaw drops, as Kat holds up a drawing of two naked stick figures with "Kama Sutra" as the title]
KAT: I have a color photocopy right here.
BRANDINE: Uh yeah, come on in ...
KAT: Alright, thank you. I wanna get this straightened out here.
BRANDINE: See, we got a little bit of ... We got a little bit of a misunderstanding here. See, I already done paid my fees.
[she holds up a piece of paper with very poor handwriting]
BRANDINE: There, see? Written by the librarian!
KAT: Really, really? I can't even see this.
BRANDINE: [reading] "Book fee payed on July 20, 2007. Love, Librarian" ... Evidence, right there!
KAT: Well, y'know, this is a little bit of a problem, because you didn't actually take the book out until July twentieth, two thousand and ... eight.
BRANDINE: No, because last year ... um.
[she points at the red "XOXO" written on the note in red ink]
KAT: Well, y'know what? We also wouldn't be signing it "Love, Librarian." Much less "Librarian" with hugs and kisses.
BRANDINE: Well ... umm.
KAT: Hey, hey wait a second. What's ...
[she bends down and picks up several more notes and a black magic marker]
KAT: What's this?
BRANDINE: Yeah, see, what that ... Bleh!
[she throws the baby at Kat and runs off]
KAT: We got a runner!
[Kat chases her through the house, then throws an actual cat at Brandine to knock her to the ground]
BRANDINE: Ow! Ow, it hurts! Get her off!
[Kat bends down and picks up the cat (now alive rather than a stuffed animal) and pets it]
KAT: Aw, good job kitty! Good job!
BRANDINE: Get her off! Get her off!
KAT: C'mere, kitty ...
BRANDINE: Ow! Oh, [beep] you both!
KAT: Aw, what a good kitty you are ...
BRANDINE: Ahhh ...
KAT: Alright, that's it ...
[she takes out the handcuffs, but Brandine tries to get up]
BRANDINE: No! No! No!
KAT: Right now!
BRANDINE: No! No!
KAT: Hands behind your back!
[she cuffs her, as Brandine continues to struggle]
BRANDINE: Nooo! Y'all is worse than Hitler! Those Kama Sutra books didn't even work!
KAT: Hold still ...
BRANDINE: Oh, [beep] you guys!
KAT: You're gonna pay that fine whether you want to or not ...
BRANDINE: No, I don't want to! Get offa me! Get off!
KAT: Alright, you're coming with us ...
BRANDINE: [beep]! Oh god ...
[she picks her up]
KAT: Come on ... Get up. Let's go.
BRANDINE: [beep] you!
KAT: Get her into the car.
BRANDINE: God ... Can I bring my shotgun?
[she leads her out of the house (as it's snowing) and towards the car]
KAT: Alright, let's go, Brandine.
BRANDINE: It's [beep] cold out here, you won't even let me have a jacket!
KAT: Shut up! I don't have a jacket!
BRANDINE: What the [beep]? Yeah, but you ... god dammit! You're supposed to be treating me with respect!
KAT: Shut the [beep up ...
BRANDINE: Oh mah gawd! Y'all [beep] up ...
KAT: Get in the car.
KAT: Watch your head ...
[she pushes her into the car]
BRANDINE: [beep] you!
KAT: Alright, now just ... hey hey! One second here!
KAT: Waitin' for my bro ...
[cut to Kat inside the house, speaking directly to the camera]
KAT: Now that we've got Brandine all hooked up in the back'a the car, we're gonna search the house for other stolen library books.
DUANE LEE: [from off camera] Kat, I've found something in here!
KAT: Ah, here we go, alright.
[she walks into the bathroom]
KAT: Yep bro, what's up?
DUANE LEE: Yeah, I found this in the back of the toilet here.
[she lifts a book in a plastic bag out of the toilet tank]
DUANE LEE: What'cha think?
KAT: Yeah, that looks definitely suspicious ... Let's take a look here.
[she takes the book out of the bag and reads the title page]
KAT: "The Librarian's Passionate Night" ... Well.
[she runs her finger over the title page and then licks it]
KAT: Yep, that's pure 100 percent stolen library book! Ah, that's the taste of justice!
[cut back to Brandine in the car]
KAT: Not only are you in trouble for your original library fine, but we found this in your toilet tank.
[she shows her the book]
KAT: What is this?
BRANDINE: That, that is not mine!
BRANDINE: That is not mine! I, I was holding it for a friend!
KAT: Why does it have a library barcode right on the back?
BRANDINE: I ... I was holding it for a friend! We--
KAT: Yeah yeah, y'know what? Tell it to the CEO of the EPL, alright?
BRANDINE: [pause] Linda Cook?
KAT: Yes, yes! Shut up!
[she slams the door shut]
KAT: Well, I think we have another case successfully solved! Chalk one up for the librarians!
[cut to Kat and her team back in the library]
KAT: Y'know, that last one was shocking, but the next one is downright sickening and disgusting!
KAT: You would never ever expect a professor, fully tenured at the U of A, to have a gigantic collection of stolen library books ... but that's exactly what we have here.
[Leland shakes her head]
KAT: Y'know, we've got credible reports right here, that students are saying she's been hoarding books for years now! This one might get a little dangerous, so I suggest you all put on your kevlar vests for this one.
[she pats the kevlar vest that she's wearing]
KAT: Alright, ready to go roll on this one?
BETH: Mmm hmm ...
DUANE LEE: Oh yeah!
[they all put their fists in]
ALL: Do it!
[cut to everyone entering the university]
BETH: We're gonna take pleasure in arresting her ...
KAT: Down this way ... Ready, guys?
BETH: I'm ready!
[they surround the professor's doorway, as Kat knocks]
MARGARET: Come in.
[they enter, as Kat looks over the bookshelves in her office]
KAT: Hi there, Margaret ...
MARGARET: Why, hello.
KAT: I've heard quite the, uh ... report that you have a large collection of books around here.
KAT: Mind if I take a look around?
MARGARET: Help yourself.
KAT: Huh ...
[she runs her fingers over the books]
MARGARET: Uh, I have quite a lot, and I'm quite pleased to have the space to put them in, actually.
KAT: "Degrassi Generations", eh?
KAT: Y'know what? I think I've seen enough here. It's absolutely sick how proud you are of all these!
MARGARET: [pause] What?
KAT: You're comin' with us!
KAT: Beth, cuff her!
[Beth holds up a pair of fuzzy handcuffs]
KAT: Oh Jesus Christ, Beth! Not those ones! Not here!
[Kat covers her eyes, as Beth quickly puts them away]
BETH: Pardon me!
KAT: Duane Lee ...
[Duane Lee takes some real handcuffs and walks towards the professor]
DUANE LEE: Stand up, please ...
[she gets up]
MARGARET: What's going on here? What is this? What is this?
DUANE LEE: You're under arrest ...
MARGARET: For what?
BETH: From the looks of things, you're gonna be behind bars for many years! We've had reports of many stolen books! Isn't it just convenient that all these books are just together in one spot?
MARGARET: Convenient? This is my office! These are mine!
BETH: [laughs] We'll see ...
[Duane Lee leads her out of the office]
MARGARET: These are mine, ask Ellie! Ask Tony!
LELAND: Save it for the judge, the CEO of EPL!
MARGARET: Oh no, not that!
LELAND: Yes, that!
["The team later found out that Margaret's claims were true. Who knew one individual could own so many books?!? The Professor was released without charge and graciously declined to sue ... mostly due to the fact that we bribed her with a mint condition Wizard of Oz Waddle book." appears on screen, then cut to Kat in the car]
KAT: Sometimes our job is tough, we have to take people into custody that we really don't want to. But y'know, it's for the best, to get them back on the straight and narrow path ... We have reliable reports that there's a delinquent minor who has a book that's one whole day overdue! It's totally unacceptable!
DUANE LEE: [from off camera] Yeah, man.
KAT: So, we are going to stomp this out before it snowballs into something huge!
[a wanted poster of a little girl appears on screen, then cut to the girl being walked through a parking garage by her mother, when loud sirens can be heard and Kat's car pulls up behind them]
KAT: [into a megaphone] Halt, this is Kat the Bounty Hunter! Stop now!
[they get out of the car and surround them]
KAT: You guys are in some pretty serious trouble right now ... I'm Kat, the Library Fine Bounty Hunter. I understand that you have an overdue book out of the library, "I Want to Potty".
MOTHER: We're on our way to the library with it now!
DUANE LEE: Well, that's a convenient story ... First it's library fines, and then it's armed robbery!
DUANE LEE: Then you move straight into drug dealing ...
DUANE LEE: Come with me ...
MOTHER: I didn't know it was late, oh my god! I'm in library school, I'm never gonna get a job!
DUANE LEE: Sorry, ma'am, that's no excuse.
LELAND: I guess you'll think differently the next time you have a twenty-cent fine ... You better come with us!
[she takes the little girl by the jacket and leads her offscreen]
LELAND: Let's go!
[she takes the mother and puts her into the car]
LELAND: You'll never work in this town again, ma'am!
[cut to Kat speaking directly to the camera]
KAT: Well, another kid off the street ... and another library book back in the library. Y'know, it's really important for us to get those kids off the streets and back on the right path.
[a car drives by with the little girl waving out the window]
KAT: Y'know, the less crime ...
[she suddenly notices that it's her car being driven away by the mother]
KAT: Hey, hey wait a minute! My car!
[Kat and Leland go chasing after the car]
Written, Shot and Starring:
Extra Special Thanks to:
Violet the Cat