College is HARD- Episode 3- "The Library"- Pt. 1/2
Giancarlo helps Chris deal with his emotions, Alex befriends Chelsea, and Max helps Anthony find a girlfriend in the season finale of College is HARD.
Be sure to check out part 2:
Tags: Julia Nunes College is HARD Sitcom Webseries Chris Iredale Anthony Bentrovato Max Resnik Alex Dayan Library University
Added: 4 years ago
[scene opens with a male college student sitting in bed in a dorm room, talking to a monkey handpuppet]
GIANCARLO: Hello, Mister Monkey! How was your day today? What's that? You're sad and lonely? Me too ... Me too.
[he hugs the monkey, then someone knocks at the door, so he hides it under the bed and grabs a video game controller with his other hand]
GIANCARLO: Come in!
[another male student enters]
GIANCARLO: Yeah! Yeah, take it, you computerized alien fool! It's not your fault I play video games all the time, like all guys do!
[he sits on the bed next to him]
CHRIS: Do you remember when we went to that party a little while back, and we all ended up crying?
GIANCARLO: [pause] Vaguely, yeah.
CHRIS: Well, Alex tells me you're kind of an emotional guy in your guarded moments, and ... I was just wondering if you could help me figure out why, at that moment, my eyes were like water lillies and my heart was like a marshmallow?
GIANCARLO: Do you know what you have, my friend?
GIANCARLO: Say it with pride!
[he pumps his fist, revealing the handpuppet]
CHRIS: Is that a stuffed monkey?
GIANCARLO: [pause] It might be.
[cut to three other male students in a different dorm room]
ALEX: That's easy ... Bill Cosby was in "Fat Albert" with Keenan Thompson, who was in "Good Burger" with Kel Mitchell, who was in "Mystery Men" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Along Came Polly" with Jennifer Aniston, who was in "Picture Perfect" with Kevin Bacon!
MAX: [pause] I didn't even say anything ...
ALEX: Just wanted to do that.
ANTHONY: Look guys, I'm sorry, but I really need to do this statistics project ... I don't even know what topic I'm gonna do yet!
MAX: You can analyze the different denominations of Judaism within the college.
ANTHONY: Why would I do that?
MAX: Get in touch with your heritage.
ANTHONY: [pause] I'm not Jewish!
ALEX: But I wished you a joyous Passover!
ANTHONY: Yeah, that was weird ...
ALEX: Y'know, I had a friend who statistically analyzed exactly how many girls in his school he could potentially go out with.
MAX: How many were there?
ALEX: Not many ... He was home-schooled. But he did have an adopted sister.
ANTHONY: That's a great idea! Oh man, it's girlfriend time in Anthony Land, huh?
[Alex and Max give each other quizzical looks]
ANTHONY: That'll show that loser Chris who's boss! He thinks he's so cool with his little girlfriend Chelsea ... Oh, this is perfect! It can't fail!
ALEX: It can definitely fail ...
MAX: It will most likely fail ... Moving on, the other day, this sketchy guy in a janitor's outfit followed me all the way across campus!
ALEX: Why does this generation feel the need to describe everything as "sketchy?" Everything with kids these days is "sketchy!" If it's not "sketchy", it's "awkard" ... Unless, of course, it's "random!"
MAX: [pause] Are you finished?
ALEX: Yeah ...
MAX: I saw him again yesterday, I'm getting a little bit scared.
ANTHONY: Dude, don't lead this sketchy guy who's been randomly following you to my room! Man, if that happened, that'd be so awkward!
ALEX: [smiling] I see what you did there!
ANTHONY: Yeah, made fun of your little joke, huh?
[Alex's face falls]
ALEX: Oh ...
[cut to Alex and Chris eating lunch in the cafeteria]
ALEX: If it's not sketchy, random, or awkward ... we don't wanna hear about it!
[he gives a big smile, but Chris just stares at him with a confused look on his face]
CHRIS: I don't understand ... Are you doing standup comedy, right now? Is that what--
ALEX: It's just ... an observation.
CHRIS: I've been spending a lotta time with your roommate.
ALEX: I don't really see you and Giancarlo as having too much in common ... except you both act cooler than you really are, and probably disappoint a lotta girls.
CHRIS: He's helping me through some weird stuff.
ALEX: I'm not sure he's the best person for that ...
[an attractive female student walks up to their table]
CHELSEA: Hey, guys!
CHRIS: Hey, Chelsea ...
ALEX: Hello ... Chris' girlfriend.
[Chris gets up]
CHRIS: I was just leaving, actually.
ALEX: You were?
CHELSEA: I, I thought I caught you for lunch.
CHRIS: Um no, I gotta bounce ... Have lunch with Alex!
ALEX: We don't really ...
CHRIS: Get to know each other ... An appropriate amount, not too much. I'm gonna bounce, I'm bouncing! I'll see you guys!
[he leaves, as Chelsea takes a seat]
CHELSEA: Um, so ... Alex.
ALEX: Hello ...
CHELSEA: I think we already did that.
ALEX: Oh, that's right. That's ... funny. It's really funny.
[they nervously look around]
ALEX: I talked to a girl a couple weeks ago, so ...
CHELSEA: I mean, I don't usually talk to guys that I'm not ... Well, this is awkward, yeah.
ALEX: [pause] What is it with kids these days and the word "awkward"?
CHELSEA: [pause] That is so true!
["One week later" appears on screen, then cut to a closeup shot of Alex and Chelsea sitting in a dorm room]
ALEX: Chelsea, I just want you to know that you're my best friend!
CHELSEA: Oh Alex, of course! We're like besties ... Oh my god, did I tell you what Samantha said to me?
ALEX: What did that girl say now?
CHELSEA: I don't know, I don't know, but she used the words "random," sketchy," and ... "awkward!"
ALEX: Oh my god, that was like our first conversation!
CHELSEA: I know, it was so long ago!
[camera zooms out to reveal that Chris has been sitting in the bed next to them]
CHRIS: It was literally a week ago ... I'm just saying, a week's not that long!
ALEX: I can go if you guys want some "couple-y" time ...
CHRIS: No, y'know what? I'm gonna bounce.
CHELSEA: But, wait. Stay, Chris ...
[he gets up and leaves]
CHRIS: Nope, bouncing! Gotta bounce! Bouncey bouncey bouncey, see ya!
CHELSEA: That boy is always bouncing, he's like a ... basketball.
ALEX: I think I know what you need.
CHELSEA: What's that?
ALEX: You need a super Alex hug!
CHELSEA: Oh, no no no! I think you need a super Chelsea hug!
ALEX: I don't know, I think you're getting a super Alex hug!
[they hug, then the camera zooms out to reveal that Anthony has been sitting in a chair right next to the bed]
ANTHONY: You guys are ridiculous ...
ALEX: Have you been here the whole time?
ANTHONY: Yeah. What, you didn't notice me?
[camera zooms out to reveal that Max is standing right next to him, eating out of a box of cereal]
MAX: I didn't see you come in.
CHELSEA: [pause] Let's bounce.
[she and Alex leave]
ANTHONY: [pause] We should, uh ... We-we should probably go to my dorm now.
MAX: Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Sounds good.
[cut to Anthony and Max in their dorm room]
MAX: So, have you finished your statistics project yet?
ANTHONY: Oh yeah. Here, check it out.
[he hands him a manila folder filled with papers]
MAX: There are only three girls in the entire school that you could go out with?
ANTHONY: Give or take.
MAX: You filtered out girls who use instant messaging slang in conversation ...
ANTHONY: Well, I never know what they're saying! It's like they're secret agents or something ...
MAX: Wait, you eliminated all girls who won't call you ... "A-Dog?!"
ANTHONY: I have high standards, okay? Not like that loser Chris with Chelsea ...
MAX: I think I know where to find girls that fit your criteria ...
[cut to Anthony and Max standing inside the college library]
ANTHONY: Why are we at the library?
MAX: It's finals week, the attractive girls have no choice but to come here.
[he looks around]
ANTHONY: I-I don't see any.
MAX: They're not as easy as they look. It is my suspicion that there's a secret hideout within this very library where they come to study and not be hit on by people like us. Today is the day we infiltrate, we infiltrate the very core of--
ANTHONY: Max, don't look now but there is a really creepy guy watching us ...
[cut to an older man in a janitor's uniform spying on them from the adjacent bookshelf]
MAX: [from off camera] Oh no, I bet it's him!
[cut back to Anthony and Max]
MAX: Maybe if we keep completely still, he won't notice us.
ANTHONY: But, he's already looking at us ...
MAX: [whispering] Just. Don't. Move.
[they freeze in position, as the man walks up to them]
JIM: Hey guys.
[neither one moves]
MAX: [whispering] Keep still.
[the janitor puts his arms around the two of them]
JIM: Guys, there's no need to be afraid. I'm Jim Hurwitz, I'm the library custodian. I used to be a magician at childrens' parties, but ... I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
MAX: Why have you been following me?
JIM: Your name's Max, right?
MAX: Yeah, and this is Anthony.
ANTHONY: Don't tell him my name!
JIM: I don't wanna seem creepy, but I think you're the coolest.
ANTHONY: Not creepy at all ...
JIM: I first saw you in the library, checking out my favorite book, "The Road to Self-Awarenesstown" by underrated Jewish philosopher Mel Krieger.
ANTHONY: That sounds made-up.
JIM: Then, I followed you, in my van. To the school store, where you got my favorite writing utensil ... pens!
ANTHONY: Okay Max, good idea to come to the library, but I don't think Jim Hurwitz the skeezball janitor knows where the hot girls are. Oh, unless they're in his van!
JIM: I don't much care for you, Anthony ... If you weren't a fellow Jew, I'd do something to you.
ANTHONY: Oh vey ...
MAX: Jim, do you know where the hot girls are in the library?
JIM: No, but I know where to find them ... the archives!
[he and Max head off camera]
ANTHONY: Wait a minute, I'm afraid here ...
[he reluctantly follows them]
[Alex has accidentally convinced Chelsea to break up with Chris, and is trying to undo his mistake]
CHELSEA: Y'know what? I'm gonna go to Chris' room right now and break up with him ...
ALEX: No! No, you can't do that!
CHELSEA: Why not?
ALEX: Because ... because he's not in his room!
CHELSEA: Well, where is he?
ALEX: He's at the ... library!
CHELSEA: The library ... Um, what is he doing there?
ALEX: R-Reading ... Oh, that Chris! He's read all the books!
CHELSEA: Read all the books?
ALEX: Yeah ... Not really closely. Just for spelling and punctuation.
CHELSEA: Okay, well, I'm gonna go to the library and find him ... but thank you so much, bestie! You're the bestie! Okay?
[she leaves, as Alex feigns happiness]
ALEX: Okay, you're the bestie! Have fun ... Obviously, breaking up isn't fun. I'll see ya!
[cut to Alex and Chris sitting in his dorm room]
ALEX: I'm just gonna come right out and say this ... People are like flowers. They grow, and then they leave you.
ALEX: Yeah, she's dumping you.
CHRIS: How can this be happening?
ALEX: Listen, I just want you to know that this was entirely her decision, and I had nothing to do with it.
CHRIS: Right when I become emotionally available ... I have to talk to her!
[he gets up, but Alex tries to stop him]
ALEX: Uh, there's no need for that!
CHRIS: Where is she?
ALEX: She's at the library, but please leave her alone.
CHRIS: I'm bouncing ...
ALEX: I'm bouncin' with ya!
[cut to inside the archives room with Anthony and Max, as Jim holds a cardboard box filled with VHS tapes]
JIM: This is my stash of security videos. I'm friends with one of the guards. He sells me the ... "interesting" ones.
MAX: Are there any labelled "Secret Female Hideout?"
ANTHONY: Okay, you guys are really creeping me out now!
[cut to the front desk, as Chelsea enters the Lucy Scribner Library and speaks with the male student worker on duty]
CHELSEA: [whispers] Oh, hi.
STUDENT WORKER: Hi.
[she rings the bell on the desk, even though he's right there talking with her]
CHELSEA: [whispers] Oh, okay okay ... Uh, have you seen a square-headed overconfident guy wearing a dorky shirt walk by?
STUDENT WORKER: [pause] No.
CHELSEA: Okay. Well, thanks. Thanks.
[she leaves (as the student worker checks her out from behind), then cut to Chelsea walking around the stacks]
CHELSEA: [whispers] Chris? Chris?
[some unseen male patron throws a piece of paper at her]
PATRON: [from off camera] Shut up!
CHELSEA: [whispers] Okay, I'm sorry ...
[she continues her search]
CHELSEA: [whispers] Chris? Chris?
[cut to inside the archives room, as Chelsea enters]
CHELSEA: Ah, fancy seeing the whole lot of you guys here!
MAX: Hey Chelsea, this is Jim Hurwitz!
JIM: Nice to meet you ...
[he looks her up and down]
JIM: Chelsea, was it?
CHELSEA: Uh huh ...
JIM: Eighteen, right?
CHELSEA: I'm sorry?
MAX: Chelsea, we're watching security videos. Would you like to join us?
CHELSEA: Um, I'm looking for Chris, so--
ANTHONY: Ugh, if you like Chris so much, why don't you just marry him?
CHELSEA: Actually, I'm here to break up with him.
[Anthony immediately heads for the door]
ANTHONY: I'll help you find him!
[cut back to the student worker at the front desk, as Alex and Chris enter the library]
ALEX: Excuse me ...
STUDENT WORKER: Hi.
ALEX: Have you seen a girl looking for a square-headed overconfident guy in a dorky shirt?
STUDENT WORKER: [pause] Uh, yes.
[he points off camera]
STUDENT WORKER: She went that way.
ALEX: Thank you!
CHRIS: Excuse me?
ALEX: Oh yeah, that's how she describes you.
CHRIS: Why are you besties with my girlfriend?!
[they leave (as the student worker checks both of them out from behind), then cut to the two entering the archives room]
ANTHONY: Oh, look who it is! Make some popcorn, creepy Jim, this is gonna be a show!
CHELSEA: Chris, we need to talk ...
ANTHONY: Here it comes!
CHRIS: Chelsea, I know what you're gonna say ... but I'm gonna start spending a lot, a lot more time with you now! Just gimmee another shot?
CHELSEA: Okay Chris. Um, I like you, so I'll give you one more shot, but you've gotta tell me ... What've you been doing this last week?
CHRIS: You'll find out eventually ...
CHELSEA: Uhh ...
CHRIS: C'mon, just c'mere ...
CHELSEA: Okay, okay ...
[they awkwardly hug]
ANTHONY: What?! That's it? That sucked! That wasn't dramatic or embarrassing or anything ... Oh fuck it, let's watch some security videos, everybody shut up!
[he takes the remote control and turns on the television]
MAX: Hey, is that Giancarlo?
ANTHONY: Oh my god, it is ...
CHRIS: Y'know, maybe we shouldn't watch this ...
ANTHONY: Look ... It's Chris!
MAX: Hey, is there any sound on this?
JIM: Let's see.
[he takes the remote and turns up the volume, then cut to black and white footage of Chris and Giancarlo sitting at a table surrounded by stuffed animals]
GIANCARLO: Would you like some more tea, Mister Monkey? What's that? It gives you stomach cramps?
CHRIS: Giancarlo, I don't know about all--
GIANCARLO: Chris, perhaps Mister Monkey would prefer some of your chamomile?
[he reluctantly addresses the handpuppet]
CHRIS: Would you ... like some chamomile, Mister Monkey?
GIANCARLO: I believe he would!
CHRIS: I think Mister Monkey can speak for himself.
[cut back to the archives room]
MAX: What the hell are you guys doing?
ANTHONY: The stuffed animals were a nice touch ...
CHELSEA: This is what you've been spending your time on instead of spending time with me?!
CHRIS: You don't understand! It ... It's Giancarlo! He's from the bad side of town!
CHELSEA: Y'know what? I-I don't think this is gonna work. I, I ... yeah.
ALEX: We can still be friends though, right?
CHELSEA: Oh my god, of course! We're like besties!
ALEX: Okay, good!
CHELSEA: Yeah, okay!
ALEX: Let's shut this off and get outta he--
ANTHONY: Are you kidding me, this is priceless!
[cut back to the security footage, as Giancarlo and Chris are "drinking" their tea]
CHRIS: Ah, this tea is quite lovely!
GIANCARLO: Madame Belvedere makes it in her basement!
CHRIS: My compliments, Madame Belvedere ...
[he takes on a high-pitched voice]
CHRIS: Oh, thank you! Thank you!
[Giancarlo points to someone off camera]
GIANCARLO: Why look, another friend has come to join the party!
[Alex enters the scene, using a fake British accent]
ALEX: Hello, old chaps! Is there any tea left for me?
CHRIS: Why, of course! Have a seat between Mister Monkey and Madame Belvedere!
[he sits down between the monkey handpuppet and the teddy bear]
ALEX: Excuse me, Mister Monkey! Nice to see you again, Madame Belvedere!
[Chris "pours" him a cup of tea]
ALEX: Oh, thank you! Thank you!
GIANCARLO: This is all quite lovely!
ALEX: Mmm, quite!
[Alex takes a sip]
GIANCARLO: Pinkies up ...
[cut back to the archives room]
ALEX: I just wanted some tea! Why did it have to be mime tea?
CHELSEA: Y'know what, I'm gonna go. I ... oh my god.
CHRIS: Wait, Chelsea! Don't ... go.
CHELSEA: I ... No, y'know what, Chris? I'm gonna bounce. Yeah.
ALEX: Well, I guess that just about wraps it up.
ANTHONY: Well, if Chris doesn't have a girlfriend anymore, I guess there's really no rush for me ... Let's get something to eat!
ALEX: Dining hall's closed.
ANTHONY: Well, that sucks. They should really have a Starbucks in the library.
ALEX: That's a good idea!
CHRIS: Well, I guess we're ... y'know, exiting.
[he and Anthony leave]
MAX: Thank you, Jim ... for all your help.
JIM: I'll be there anytime you need me.
MAX: Oh thanks, that's really nice.
JIM: I'll also be there other times.
MAX: Okay, that's enough ...
[he leaves, then Jim turns and speaks directly to the camera]
JIM: And so, our four heroes set off into the sunset. That's it for Season One, but be sure to come back for Season Two! Heh, we've got lots of surprises for you ...
MAX: [from off camera] Hey, I think I left my wallet in here ...
[he returns, then gives Jim a puzzled look]
MAX: Were you just talking to someone?
[he turns and winks at the camera]
MAX: Did you just wink at that wall?
[he turns and gives a double wink to the camera]
Aaron Hodgins Davis
www dot collegeishard dot tv
A CIH Production 2008
In episode 3, Jim Hurwitz reveals that his favorite book is The Road to Self-Awarenesstown, by underrated Jewish philosopher Mel Krieger. This is interesting, in part, because self-awareness in fiction refers to a character who knows he is a character ... Jim breaks the fourth wall at the end of the episode.
This is a bunch of stuff I cut from episode 3 to make some of the scenes less bad. Now I'm pawning it off on you.
Giancarlo: You've come to the right place. My methods are unproven and weird, but they get the job done.
Alex: Chris, I'm sorry to say this, but Chelsea is a much better friend than you and your roommate and that guy with the glasses. Now, you guys are all right for a laugh, but Chelsea - Chelsea's a girl. Do you realize what a difference that makes in the quality of a person?
Chris: So it is sexual.
Alex: Not as in sex sex. As in gender. As in their gender is naturally superior to our gender. Sure, men are pretty good at ultimate Frisbee and Super Smash Brothers. But as far as talking goes, I really think they have us beat.
Chelsea: He's read all the books?
Alex: Yeah. He said they were pretty good, but he still prefers web shows.
Jim: I wanted to meet you, so I followed you to the dining hall, and you ate my favorite food, tilapia with lemon sauce.
Anthony: It's a popular dish.
Giancarlo: You've been making excellent progress, Chris. I think you might be ready to engage in successful relationships now.
Chris: Good news. Giancarlo says I've completed his emotional training.
Alex: Listen, you two have been doing weird stuff that I don't really want to think about anymore.
Max: Face it, Anthony. We're not jocks; we're not Jaime; if we want girls, this is all we can do.
Chelsea: This is what you've been doing instead of spending time with me?
Chris: You don't understand. It's Giancarlo. His methods are unproven and weird!
Chelsea: I don't think this is gonna work out.
Chris: Damn that rugged yet emotional man!
Alex: I didn't know. I just came to the library to read.
Chelsea: You don't read.
Jim: And so our four heroes set off into the sunset. That's it for season 1. But make sure you come back in the fall for season 2. Oh, we've got plenty of surprises in store. I'll give you a sneak preview. Anthony takes an aerobics class with an attractive girl, but nothing really comes of it. Max starts a brothel on campus, but realizes he isn't fiscally responsible enough to run his own business. Alex knocks up a girl and learns the true meaning of Christmas. And Chris gets so angry, he runs over Chelsea with his car. Well, that just about does it. Enjoy the summer, and keep checking our website.
First-year students Max Resnik, Chris Iredale, Alex Dayan, Giancarlo Osaben and Anthony Bentrovato are collaborating on College is Hard, a Web-based TV show that spoofs network TV offerings geared toward the young-adult crowd.
How did you get the idea for the show?
Chris knew someone who produced a Web-based series spoofing "The OC" called "The BC," as in Boston College. He worked with a friend from home to come up with an original idea for their own Web show, but the discussions never went anywhere. One day, he and Alex were in the dining hall. Chris mentioned the idea, and being an avid sitcom fan, Alex jumped at the opportunity. He found interested actors, wrote a pilot script, and e-mailed it around. The cast met to work out the kinks and plot of the show, and Alex wrote a second draft—bigger, better, stronger, faster than the first. Also funnier. As we developed the show, we worked out which members would take on which production roles—Chris the producer, Alex the writer, Max the director, and Anthony the editor. Eventually, Giancarlo came on to help in all production areas.
Your feelings about the first episode?
We feel warm and fluttery about episode one. We were nervous about how it would turn out, but after seeing the episode 300 or so times, we still laugh. We're quite happy with ourselves. All the positive feedback we've received online and in person has bolstered our efforts. We are working on a new website and we have finished the plot of the first season. One of the best parts about producing a Web series is that people we've never met tell us how our show provided a much-needed laugh and made their day.
We don't want to give too much away, but we can tell you that Anthony will embark on a journey of self-discovery in the mountains of Tibet. Meanwhile, Alex and Max learn to cook. Chris will not be in future episodes due to fatigue and gastroenteritis. No, those are jokes. Look out for Alex's emotional new roommate, Giancarlo; a party at the very popular Logan Chapman's house; a male take on the movie Juno; and several exciting cliffhangers to end the season. We come up with ideas by gathering in a cozy place like the SkidTV office or a bathtub and bouncing story ideas around. We arrange the ideas into a detailed list of plot points. Then, Alex goes off into his cavern and writes up the script instead of doing homework. When he finishes (takes about two days), our heroes reconvene to edit the script into a fine-tuned laugh machine.
Why should people watch?
a. We are attractive.
b. We are incredibly attractive.
c. It's funny.
Keep checking our website, spread the word, watch the show, tell your friends, quote us incessantly, and educate your friends when they don't know what you're talking about via the many tubes of the Internet.
Editor's Note: College is Hard is sprinkled with profanity and depicts college life and relations between the sexes in a jaundiced manner that viewers may find sexist and in other ways objectionable. If you opt to view the first three episodes or hear the theme song anyway, you may do so by going to You Tube and searching for College is Hard.
College is HARD was the original two-year project of Dizzy Peoples Comedy: a sitcom about four guys dealing with college in ways they probably shouldn't.