Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Case Study No. 1596: Paul Telner, Library Silence Monitor

Library Monitor FAIL
Paul FAILS at being a Library Silence Monitor.

Tags: Paul Telner Pranks Silence Monitor
Added: 7 years ago
From: ApauledTV
Views: 78,360

[scene opens with a young man sitting at the front entrance to a college library, when he gets up and stops a male patron as he's entering]
PAUL: Hi, hi. Could I just talk to you for one second?
[the patron stops, as Paul shakes his hand]
PAUL: Hi, my name is Paul.
MALE PATRON 1: Hi, Paul.
PAUL: Hi. Could I ask you to move over here?
[they move over to the side]
PAUL: Um, I just wanted to talk to you for a quick second. Um ... Basically, we have a new policy here at the library, where we're trying to control noise levels. I noticed when you came in, you kinda made a lotta noise with the door. I don't know, did you notice that?
MALE PATRON 1: No, I didn't.
PAUL: Okay, when you came in, you kind of hit the side of the door ... kind of with your, I guess that's a belt.
PAUL: You hit it with your belt. So what we're trying to do is we're just trying to cut down on that.
PAUL: So ... Um, can I just ask, what makes you think you can come in and make that level of noise in a library?
MALE PATRON 1: [pause] I'm kind of offended by the way you're asking that.
PAUL: Oh, I'm sorry.
MALE PATRON 1: Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry right now--
[he starts to move, but Paul stands in his way]
PAUL: Look, I'm gonna have to--
MALE PATRON 1: They've given me a few minutes break--
PAUL: Alright.
MALE PATRON 1: And I've got a few things to do on my break.
PAUL: Okay, okay.
MALE PATRON 1: Now I need to get back to my class.
PAUL: Can I just ...
[he points off camera]
PAUL: Can I just talk to you for just one second over there?
MALE PATRON 1: You have talked to me for one second over there.
PAUL: But just, but just one second--
[cut to Paul talking to a female patron at the entrance]
PAUL: Have you been to a library before?
FEMALE PATRON 1: No, this is the first time.
PAUL: Oh, it's your first time at a library?
PAUL: Well, basically, when you're in a library, you have to be as quiet as possible.
[he lowers his voice to barely above a whisper]
PAUL: [whispers] You can't talk that loud, kinda like I'm talking right now. You have to whisper. Can you try with me? Let's whisper.
[cut to Paul talking to another male patron at the entrance]
PAUL: [whispers] And could I just ask, when you're walking into the library, what makes you think you can bang your water bottle with your all-athletic ...
[he starts waving his arms around to mock the patron]
PAUL: [whispers] "I'm Mister Athletic Man! I play for varsity everything!"
[cut to Paul talking to another male patron at the entrance]
MALE PATRON 2: [whispers] Do you know where I can get today's paper?
PAUL: [whispers] I can't hear you, sir.
MALE PATRON 2: Do you know where I can get today's paper?
[Paul holds up his hand]
PAUL: [whispers] Too loud, too loud. You gotta quiet down a little.
MALE PATRON 2: Do you know where I can get today's paper?
PAUL: [whispers] Let's try whispering. Like a whisper, okay?
[the patron laughs]
PAUL: [whispers] "Do you know where I can get" ... Okay.
MALE PATRON 2: [whispers] Today's paper.
PAUL: [whispers] I can't hear you.
MALE PATRON 2: [whispers] Today's newspaper.
PAUL: [whispers] Today's ... or yesterday's?
MALE PATRON 2: [whispers] Today's.
[cut to Paul talking to another male patron at the entrance]
PAUL: [whispers] Do you listen to Marilyn Manson?
MALE PATRON 3: [whispers] No.
PAUL: [whispers] Okay, good.
MALE PATRON 3: [whispers] Do you?
PAUL: [whispers] No, I don't, but I think you do, because they way you walked in there, you seemed very dark and very mad at the world. Are you mad at the world?
[cut back to Paul talking to the male patron who was looking for the newspaper]
PAUL: [whispers] You asked me where the paper was, did you not?
MALE PATRON 2: [whispers] Yeah.
PAUL: [whispers] Okay. If you ask me where the paper is, and you come up to me, and you shout it at the top of your lungs like a maniac, okay?
[the patron moves like he wants to say something, but Paul continues]
PAUL: [whispers] In a wild ... wild maniac swinging off chandeliers, I can't do that!
[cut to Paul sitting at the entrance, when he gets up and stops another male patron]
PAUL: [whispers] Excuse me. Excuse me, sir? Sir?
[a female patron entering the library stops, but he waves her off]
PAUL: [whispers] No.
[she leaves, and he walks over to the male patron]
PAUL: [whispers] Sir ... Um, hi. Um, how are you?
PAUL: [whispers] Good. I'm working for the library, okay?
PAUL: [whispers] I'm on staff, and um ... When you walked into the library, I don't know if you noticed, but when you walked in you made a lot of noise with your bag and your pants. I don't know, you did something. I'm just wondering what you, what makes you think ... gives you the right, y'know?
[cut to Paul talking to another female patron (who has her face blurred out)]
PAUL: [whispers] When you're out there, you can play your Monopoly, listen to your Paula Abdul, I don't care! But when you're in here, you have to ... y'know, you're under our rules, and I'm sorry, I-I'm gonna have to--
FEMALE PATRON 2: Are you serious?
PAUL: [whispers] Yes, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
[cut back to Paul trying to escort the previous male patron out of the library]
MALE PATRON 4: I don't have time to do that, I have to go into the--
PAUL: [whispers] I'm gonna have to get you to leave, I'm sorry.
MALE PATRON 4: So, I have to--
PAUL: [whispers] You made, you made too much noise when you walked in, and we can't have that.
[cut back to Paul trying to escort the previous female patron out of the library]
PAUL: [whispers] Because I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Can you just come this way with me?
PAUL: [whispers] Let's just talk about it.
FEMALE PATRON 2: I just wanna use the hole puncher!
PAUL: [whispers] Pardon?
FEMALE PATRON 2: I just wanna use the hole puncher!
PAUL: [whispers] Agan, you're too loud. You're too loud, we gotta keep it--
FEMALE PATRON 2: [whispers] You're too loud!
PAUL: [whispers] Oh, I'm too loud?
[she storms out of the library, as Paul tries to follow her]
PAUL: [whispers] You can use ... We, we just have to talk about this.
[cut back to Paul trying to escort the previous male patron out of the library]
MALE PATRON 4: You're wasting my time, I don't want to waste my time.
PAUL: [whispers] Excuse me?
MALE PATRON 4: You understand me?
PAUL: [whispers] Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me ... What gives you the right? You think you can talk to me like that? I work at this library, okay? So I don't mean to be the bad guy--
MALE PATRON 4: I don't know what you're talking about ...
[he starts to move, but Paul gets in his way]
PAUL: [whispers] I don't wanna be ... Wait wait wait! I don't wanna be the bad guy here, I just wanna let you know that you made a lotta noise--
MALE PATRON 4: Sir, you're wasting my time.
PAUL: [whispers] Wait, I'm trying to tell you, if you could please just stay calm--
MALE PATRON 4: I don't have no time to convince you, so--
PAUL: [whispers] Right, I have to ask you to leave.
MALE PATRON 4: I know the rules for the library.
PAUL: [whispers] The rules have been updated.
MALE PATRON 4: I know that.
PAUL: [whispers] Alright?
MALE PATRON 4: [pause] Please let me ... go.
[Paul points at the door]
PAUL: [whispers] Alright, I have to ask you to leave.
MALE PATRON 4: Sir, you don't have the right to block my way.
PAUL: [whispers] I work for the school.
MALE PATRON 4: You don't have the right to block my way.
PAUL: [whispers] I work for the--
MALE PATRON 4: Do you understand me?
PAUL: [whispers] Right, I work for the school.
MALE PATRON 4: Do you understand me?
PAUL: [whispers] I'm just trying to cooperate with you to make things work, okay?
MALE PATRON 4: I don't know what you're talking about!
[the patron starts raising his voice, as he's clearly lost his patience with this conversation]
MALE PATRON 4: Step out my way!
[he points a finger at Paul in a threatening manner]
MALE PATRON 4: Step out my way!
[Paul finally moves, then the scene cuts to black, as "myspace dot com slash apauled, youtube dot com slash apauledtv" appears on screen]
["We love you too" appears on screen]



Apauled is the brain child of Paul Telner, a Canadian comedian who has shot to Youtube fame with his wacky and risque antics. Paul - a self confessed orange soda addict; who has won many awards for this pranks carried out on unsuspecting students at his university campus as well as ill tempered members of the general public, is infamously known for smashing an official Youtube trophy in another one of his hilarious stunts. Think Jackass but smarter; Albert Einstein hurling water balloons in a shopping cart drive by, if you will. As a huge fan already, I jumped all over the chance to cover Apauled here on The 405 for my fortnightly column YMFOM!, so it was an honor to be lucky enough to talk with Paul for this EXCLUSIVE Interview. I'm not worthy Paul! Anyway check it out!!!

YMFOM: How did the idea of creating ApauledTV first start?

PAUL: ApauledTV grew out of Campus Cram, which was a comedy special we did first for Zilo Television, a college network in the States. The special did really well, so we thought, let's do Apauled and focus all the pranks around myself doing jobs and screwing them up. Some were real jobs, some were self-appointed and some are just things we say are jobs so we have an excuse to piss people off.

Apauled is pretty much based on my experiences working jobs as a teenager.I maybe had two jobs, both of which I was fired from. The first was at agrocery store, where my entire job was to find grocery carts and put themback into their dispenser. This actually inspired a segment in Apauled where I piss people off by taking their grocery carts when they are still full of groceries and putting them back into the dispenser. I actually did stuff like that just for fun, when no cameras were rolling. The second job was working at a movie theatre in Canada. I was the announcement guy. My job was to announce the name of the movie in front of audiences, and tell people to turn off their cell phones and not talk during the film. I kept getting in trouble because I changed the script they gave me every time I went in front of audiences. After a few weeks, I was so sick of listening to my managers yell at me, I decided to take things to the next level. I was working the night that American Pie was premiering, and decided to pull down my pants in front of a packed house, and put a delicious banana cream pie on my crotch, just to let audiences know what they were about to watch! Management fired me on the spot. They were the dumbest people I have ever worked for! I'm so glad I did that! The pie was delicious!

YMFOM: Of all the sketches you've ever done, what has been your favorite so far and why?

PAUL: Every segment we have done feels kinda like a baby and you love them each equally but I would have to say ones that hold special meaning for me are probably Gardening, The Friendly Goth and The Mascot. Gardening was a blast to film and I've never felt so close to getting my ass kicked. At the time I was scared shitless and running for my life, but there's nothing like after the prank is done, and you watch the footage with your crew and laugh for hours. I've never laughed that hard in years after watching that footage! The Friendly Goth was a total blast to make. Its something I never thought I could do, but my director Jay pushed me to do it and it was an incredible experience to play a character that's nothing like me. Its great immersing myself in a character and seeing how far they can go and where I can take them. It was a weird experience. When filming it, I actually felt like I was watching it on TV as we were making it. It was awesome.

The Mascot was probably the craziest shoot of my life. I still remember running across the court during a big basketball game in Canada. I just went for it and it felt like jumping out of a plane. Loved it. I remember getting home that night after all the chaos, and the trouble we got into, and just thought, that was a great night! We have to do that more.

YMFOM: Has there ever been an idea or sketch that you've backed out of doing? If so, why?

PAUL: There hasn't really ever been a sketch that I've backed out of. There have been ideas that we have thought of, that we couldn't do because of logistic reasons, but we have a rule. If something's really funny, we have to do it. I still remember when I dumped a bag of birdseed on someone in a park. I remember thinking, am I actually doing this? Might as well, it will look awesome on camera!

Most of our ideas really come from my director Jay and I sitting around and just laughing about something we find weird or dumb and then we say, we have to do that! Jay is great for getting me to push myself to places I never have comedically.

YMFOM: Has your success on Youtube changed your life in anyway? Would you say you've become somewhat of a "celebrity" in your home town?

PAUL: YouTube has been awesome. It has totally changed my daily routine in many ways. I actually eat in front of the computer now, which is weird. I have way more friends then I ever thought I would! Its funny, when I'm out at the mall now or restaurants, people sometimes come up to me and say stuff like, hey your the guy from YouTube. Its cool that people are starting to recognize me. After they tell me I'm the guy from YouTube, the conversation either continues or gets really weird and ends there. I love when things get weird! It's always kinda fun when people say hey. I'm the type of guy who walks down the street and says hi to everyone in sight. I love talking to strangers, so when someone actually knows who I and what I do, its the best and always fun.

I have an amazing base of fans who are so loyal. I talk to them everyday and so many of them I can really say are friends now. A day doesn't go by that I don't hear how their day has gone, or what's new in their life.

It's really inspiring to know that they're watching my videos and laughing. It's awesome. I get a lot of messages from people who tell me they were having a shitty or boring day and then watched my vids, and it made there day way better. Messages like that make everything so worth it. I love my viewers and fans, and I try and respond to every single comment and message they send me. Its tough at times, especially during production, but I have to get back to everybody. If there going to take the time to watch and message me, I owe it to them to at least say hey.

It's also amazing what people have started sending. I'm OBSESSED with orange crush, hotels and restaurants and talk about this stuff all the time in my vlogs. Fans have sent me orange crush pillows that they made for me, or orange crush scarves or even taken pictures of themselves next to orange crush signs in their hometown and sent them to me. It's amazing and overwhelming to see the warmth and support from people. As long as they keep watching and enjoying, I'll keep turning out videos.

[He really wasn't kidding either!]

YMFOM: Finally, where do you see yourself 4 years from now, in terms of your work on Youtube?

PAUL: In 4 years, hmmm. I see myself with facial hair for some reason. But i think the way were going and what were working towards is to really establish myself is one of the biggest comedians on YouTube and someone who is known for doing reality comedy and doing it well. Television is a big goal as well and something I'm working towards. I'd love to have my own television show but will always be doing stuff online and on YouTube. YouTube has been great and I think 4 years from now our videos will be better, pranks more elaborate and fan base/viewers wider and bigger. I really want to become the source for one of the best in reality comedy both online but also in film and television.

Over the next little while, we will be establishing which is going to be a blast and a whole new way for me to get in touch with my fans and really talk to them in cooler ways then just messages and comments I really want to build the Paul Telner world and really bring people into what me and my friends are all about. From the way we speak, to what we laugh at, we want to build an awesome army of people who get what we do and become part of our world, it's an insane one and were excited.

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