The New Librarian - The Old Guys - BBC One
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Tom and Roy spy on the new librarian and attempt to impress her with their choice of books.
Tags: Tom Roy spy librarian attempt impress choice books Old Guys BBC One
Added: 4 years ago
[scene opens inside the library, as Tom and Roy spy on the attractive new librarian from behind the stacks]
TOM: There she is ... Wooooah.
ROY: Lot sexier than Maureen was. Maureen sometimes used to wear two cardigans at once. She was mumsy ... Barbara isn't mumsy at all. Unless you're Oedipus.
TOM: I've worked out a plan.
ROY: Go on.
[Tom picks up a stack of books]
TOM: I'm gonna take these out to impress her. I've got "Madame Bovary," which is a famous old story from, like, years ago.
ROY: Oh, is it? Is it really?
TOM: Apparently ... I've got this big DIY manual. And this, which is a book about enlivening your sexual technique! She's gonna think I'm a sensitive, practical guy who's good in bed!
ROY: Or possibly, a suicidal self-abuser whose shelves are falling down.
[they start to walk towards the front desk, when Tom stops and pulls another book from the shelf]
TOM: Oh my god! It's the Guinness Book of Records, but a different one, from 2009!
ROY: Well, they come out every year.
TOM: They what?
ROY: There's a new one every year!
TOM: Well, why didn't you tell me? There's new records! Loads of 'em ...
[he starts flipping through the book]
TOM: There's a new hairy woman!
[he hands the book to Roy]
TOM: Roy, will you take this out for me on your card, 'cause this won't impress Barbara ... Please?
[cut to the front desk, as Tom places his books in front of Barbara]
TOM: Just these three, please.
[she looks him over, then stamps "The New Joy of Sex" before stopping at "Madame Bovary"]
BARBARA: Ah, Flaubert ...
[he looks at Roy with a confused look on his face]
ROY: [whispers] Flaubert's the author of Madame Bovary.
[he quickly turns to Barbara and nods]
TOM: Oh, Flaubert! Got you.
BARBARA: Wonderful novel ...
TOM: Oh, it's a great book. It's my favorite ever book of all time! Some people go for "Middlemarch," and fair play to them. I go for this beauty. I've read it fourteen times!
TOM: Possibly fifteen.
BARBARA: And you don't actually own a copy yourself?
TOM: No. No, Barbara, it's too powerful. It'd be like owning a lion. I would rather borrow the lion.
BARBARA: [looks confused] Right.
TOM: Plus, I love libraries. I just bloody love them!
[she stops and takes off her glasses]
BARBARA: Well, I'm hoping to make some big changes now I'm here. I've come from a very modern university library, and this place is like something out of the Ark.
TOM: Well, if you want any user input, I'd be more than happy to discuss my experiences over a coffee. Or possibly even a croissant. Like Madame Bovery ...
[he pauses and looks at Roy]
TOM: [slowly] Whoooo is French?
[Roy nods his head, so Tom immediately continues his sentence]
TOM: As we all obviously know!
BARBARA: That would be very useful, actually, thank you.
"The Old Guys"
Series 2, Episode 7
Tom and Roy, anxious about getting old, become determined to win the pub quiz to prove that their minds are still agile. They go to the library to study, but end up spying on the new librarian (Cherie Lunghi) instead.
What at first glance appeared to be an unpromising hybrid of Grumpy Old Men and One Foot in the Grave has turned out to be rather an endearing sitcom, which is back for a second series starting tonight. The two central characters, played by veterans Roger Lloyd Pack (instantly recognisable as Trigger from Only Fools and Horses, despite the shaggy grey hair and stubble) and Clive Swift (aka Mr Hyacinth Bucket) are not simply crotchety, they're also randy, caustic, competitive and mean - the opening scene finds them eating stale rice cakes with tomato puree for breakfast because they're in deadlock about whose turn it is to do the "big shop". Writers Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong previously created the Channel 4 odd-couple comedy Peep Show, so they're skilled at creating awkward scenarios, but it is the casual banter between Tom (Lloyd Pack), a sarcastic one-time rock'n'roller, and Roy (Swift), a peevish wannabe sophisticate, that makes the show. The best moment in this opening episode comes when the two of them attempt to impress a sexy new librarian (Cherie Lunghi) with their choice of reading material. Tom opts for Madame Bovary, a DIY manual and a book about improving sexual technique. "She's going to think I'm a sensitive, practical guy who's good in bed," he boasts. "Or possibly a suicidal self-abuser whose shelves are falling down," Roy retorts. OK, so it's not Seinfeld, but it's worth a look.