The Unkindest Tut Of All Part 3
Tags: Batman Robin Adam West King Tut Victor Buono
Added: 5 years ago
[scene opens with Barbara Gordon in her bedroom, talking to her pet parrot]
BARBARA: Charlie, did you hear what King Tut said?
[the parrot squawks]
BARBARA: Well, it was something very interesting. If the quote he quoted is the quote I think he quoted, I may just have figured out Tut's entire plot.
[the parrot squawks]
BARBARA: It's a mistake only an Egyptian bibliophile would have noticed ... Lucky I'm an Egyptian bibliophile.
[she gets up and activates the secret room which conceals her superhero costume]
NARRATOR: Luckily for us, she's an Egyptian bibliphile! And even luckier, she's Batgirl, the supremely feminine scourge of all that is criminal!
[cut to Batman and Robin in the Batcave]
ROBIN: You didn't believe that prediction, didja Batman? Say it isn't so!
BATMAN: I take whatever Tut says with a ton of salt, Robin ... but there was something he said which may be a key to his ultimate caper. He sent it to Bruce Wayne, it had something to do with a quote of some sort.
ROBIN: I was in the Batmobile at that time.
[Alfred (who had been polishing the Batmobile in the background) steps forward]
ALFRED: Oh yes, I remember, sir!
BATMAN: What's it all about, Alfred?
ALFRED: It was to the effect that, um ... a man who knows when he is lost has had it.
BATMAN: Had it ... Of course! It's staring us right in our masks, Robin! That quote is on line seven-six-nine of Chapter Fourteen, Scroll Thirty Two of the thirteenth section of the works of Ramses the Bald, one of the many ancient and irreplaceable scrolls at the Gotham City Library!
ROBIN: How could I have missed that one?
BATMAN: And with Gotham City's police out of the way, he thought he'd have clear sailing ... Let's go, Robin, and let's hope we're not too late. The Gotham City Library closed five minutes ago.
[cut to the interior of the public library, where King Tut and his gang are being chased through the stacks by Batman and Robin]
ROBIN: We can still catch him!
[they turn the corner (where an open shelf is marked "Priceless Collection of Ancient Egyptian Scrolls"), only to find an older female librarian (short brown hair, pink blouse and skirt) kneeling on the floor, her hands tied behind her back]
BATMAN: Robin, look out!
[they kneel down next to the librarian (who appears to be having trouble breathing)]
BATMAN: This librarian has been bound in the ancient Thuggee tradition ... She won't live a minute longer in that position, Robin.
[he pauses, then turns to Robin and casually continues the conversation (while the librarian can only stare up at the ceiling in pain)]
BATMAN: And when faced with the prospect of choosing between the apprehension of a criminal and the saving of a human life, one must always save the life.
ROBIN: Gosh Batman, you're right again!
[he nods, then uses a "bat-knife" to cut the librarian's bonds (who lets out a gasp of air as she's finally free to breathe normally)]
BATMAN: What happened?
LIBRARIAN: That big hulking brute raced in here and stole our most expensive scrolls! All the police that usually guard the, the library boarded out on another job ... They said that you'd protect us, Batman!
ROBIN: Don't worry, we'll get those scrolls back!
BATMAN: Doesn't Barbara Gordon work in this library?
LIBRARIAN: Today's her first day off in a month.
LIBRARIAN: Batman, you've just got to get those scrolls back! They are ancient and irreplaceable!
BATMAN: Yes, I know, my dear.
[they stand up, leaving the librarian on the floor]
BATMAN: Let's go, Robin.
ROBIN: Frankly, Batman, I'm stumped!
BATMAN: Perhaps a clue will turn up.
[they run off, then cut to King Tut's secret lair, where he and his gang are looking over a table covered in the pilfered scrolls (failing to notice Batgirl sneaking up behind them)]
KING TUT: We have performed a most marvelous theft! The Golden Statue of Orshakon is almost within our grasp!
[Batgirl walks up behind them (as they are still unaware of her presence)]
KING TUT: Osiris! Nubis! Gather up these scrolls, and let's make tracks!
BATGIRL: The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!
[they finally turn around]
KING TUT: Batgirl!
BATGIRL: In the flesh!
KING TUT: Y'know, it's against my principles to beat up on ladies, but in your case I'll make an exception ... Get her! Get her!
[she beats up the henchmen, then turns her attention back to King Tut]
KING TUT: Uh, how did you figure out my plan?
BATGIRL: Simple, I recognized a quote from the works of Ramses the Bald, and realized then it was the scrolls you were after. I got to the library as you escaped, and followed you here.
KING TUT: Y'know, I could always use a smart girl in my line of work. The ones I've had lately are rather inferior, would you--
BATGIRL: I'm afraid not! Batman and Robin will be here momentarily, I blazed a trail for them ... Consider your criminal career kaput!
[his female cohort sneaks up behind Batgirl, holding a large vase]
KING TUT: Oh ... goodbye, Batgirl.
BATGIRL: You're not going anywhere!
KING TUT: No, but you are ...
[she hits Batgirl over the head with the vase, knocking her out]
KING TUT: To dreamland! Defeated by a mere whisp of a girl! Now, for the second time ... Let's make tracks!
[cut to Batman and Robin standing before them]
BATMAN: The only tracks you'll make are straight to the penitentiary.
KING TUT: There's some sort of delayed echo in here ...
BATMAN: As a duly deputized officer of the law, it's my duty to advise you of your rights.
KING TUT: You'll have to catch me first! Get 'em! Get 'em! Get 'em!
[they fight off the henchmen, then head for Batgirl and help her to her feet]
BATMAN: So it was you who blazed the trail ...
BATGIRL: I was just doing my duty as a citizen.
BATMAN: I like that kind of talk. Perhaps we could, uh, get together some evening and ... discuss crime-fighting techniques?
BATGIRL: Uh, no one knows where you live.
BATMAN: Yes, that does constitute somewhat of a problem ...
ROBIN: Look out, here they come again!
[they continue beating up King Tut and his gang (as Batgirl sneaks away)]
BATMAN: Batgirl never stays around long enough for us to thank her ...
ROBIN: She's probably very modest.
BATMAN: I wonder who she really is ...
[cut to Batgirl striking a pose outside]
BATGIRL: I wonder who he really is ...
Season 3 Episode 100
Original Air Date: 10/19/67
Special Guest Villain: Victor Buono as King Tut
Guest stars: James Gammon, Patti Gilbert
Written by: Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by: Sam Strangis
Synopsis: King Tut has a new scam going: he's predicting crimes in Gotham and trying to convince the townfolk he's gone straight. In the process, he discovers that Bruce Wayne and Batman are one and the same. Now he intends to let the rest of the city in on the news.
In "The Unkindest Tut of All" (October 19, 1967), Batman rescues some Egyptian scrolls burgled from the library by King Tut (Victor Buono); Cathleen Cordell plays a librarian.