Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Case Study No. 0992: Elsie

Lonesome Leroy: Librarian Girl
Leroy finds a new chick.
Tags: obese one toothed parody stupid funny dumb lonely guy dental hygene spoof
Added: 1 year ago
From: biggydman
Views: 327

[scene opens with a still image of an overweight man (wearing an orange "Deer Camp" knit cap and an orange vest, with a single tooth sticking out of his mouth), as "Lonesome Leroy" appears on screen]
CHORUS: He can't find a girl to take him on a date, he's Lonesome Leroy and that's his fate!
[cut to Leroy speaking directly to the camera]
LEROY: You know what? Here's the good news about something! I'm not as lonely as I used to be!
[he adjusts his glasses]
LEROY: Nosiree, I've hooked up with a new lady! Her name's Elsie, and she's a librarian over at the, uh ... over at the public library area, down in Weston County.
[he looks up]
LEROY: Oh my goodness, she is ... I think, of all the ladies I've dated, she's probably about the skinniest. Uh, she's about three-twenty, but boy she is just, she's built too! I tell you what, and y'know what? I don't even mind--
[his eyes grow wide]
LEROY: She's got a lotta pets! Ooh, she got a lotta cats! I like cats, so that doesn't bother me too much ... I'm a little allergic to 'em, but not too bad if they stay away from me.
[he shakes his hands]
LEROY: It kinda skeeves me out when I'm eatin' at her house, and the cats jump up on the table and start lickin' outta the butter.
[he rubs his chin]
LEROY: That's kinda gross, but I can get past that, y'know ... There's nuthin' I ain't willin' to sacrifice for love!
[he smiles]
LEROY: I told my momma, "Hey, momma! I'm datin' Elsie!" And she was like, "Leroy! You be careful! Those loose women--"
[he puts his hands on his hips]
LEROY: I was like, "Momma, you don't hafta worry about Elsie none! She was born without lady parts! Our relationship is strictly platonic!"
[he looks around]
LEROY: That means that we can only kiss and stuff, y'know ... Elsie is just, she's a sweetheart of a woman. And uh, she got a little facial problem.
[he strokes his chin]
LEROY: She grows a little ... I, I think I'm jealous! She grows a little more facial hair than I do, but she tries to shave and get that under control.
[he sighs]
LEROY: I'm just happy, man! I'm just, I never been ... I've never been more happy in my life! Elsie has just made me a new man!
[he starts to cry]
LEROY: I'm gonna be Happy Leroy now, instead of Lonesome Leroy!
[he wipes a tear from his eye]
LEROY: I just ... I don't know, but Elsie wants to see me tonight. And I'm excited about it, because I think we're movin' to the next level. She said there's something she had to talk to me about.
[he shuffles around nervously]
LEROY: And, uh ... Well, I know that--
[he scratches his forehead]
LEROY: I know she ain't seein' no other guy, I don't ...
[he points towards the camera]
LEROY: Usually, usually when I hear there's something that someone wants to talk to me about, it's not good. It's bad.
[he breathes in deep]
LEROY: But I'm not worried about Elsie! 'Cause I don't ... I don't think--
[he gets a sad look on his face]
LEROY: Oh good night! I think she's gonna break up with me!
[he starts to cry again]
LEROY: I think she's the last woman in the county that I ain't dated or messed up with or ... is done far enough down at my level!
[he closes his eyes and looks up]
LEROY: I'm so tired of bein' lonesome!
[he suddenly stops crying and looks at the camera]
LEROY: Alright y'all, I'm gettin' too weird! This is just too weird for me ...
[cut to another still image of Leroy]
ANNOUNCER: "Lonesome Leroy" was filmed on a cheap camera in front'a no studio audience.

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