King Of Queens 422 Patrons Ain't
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Tags: King Of Queens 422 Patrons Ain't
Added: 2 months ago
[scene opens with Doug and Carrie at home, lamenting the fact that they only made thirty dollars in charitable donations over the past year]
CARRIE: The point is, we did give to charity, okay? We gave thirty five dollars!
DOUG: Thirty five dollars is good money!
[she suddenly gets a disgusted look on her face]
CARRIE: Ugh, no it's not ... We are horrible and selfish people. I mean, look at us. We got a house, we got food on the table, a car, and wadda we do? We keep it all for ourselves.
[she flops down on the couch]
CARRIE: All of it!
DOUG: We're bad ... We're damned. we're going straight to hell!
[she gets up]
CARRIE: Y'know what, let's not panic. We can still buy our way outta this. Alright? Now come on, come on honey. Who-who do we care about? Who's poor, who's needy?
[he picks up a brochure that his co-worker Deacon had left earlier, while helping his son sell candy bars to raise money to renovate the Robert Hoover school library]
DOUG: Hey, we can buy like a thousand candy bars for Kirby's school library!
CARRIE: School library ... that's perfect!
DOUG: Yeah! From now on, anybody who comes over our house will get a free chocolate bar, that'll be our thing!
CARRIE: No, ya doof, I'm talking about making a real donation here!
[she reads the brochure]
CARRIE: "Opening up young minds, children are our future" ... This is a home run, hon! We love children! We love reading!
DOUG: Actually, we don't love reading ...
CARRIE: No, but we do think it's a good alternative to drugs.
CARRIE: Okay, so this is our pet cause! The Robert Hoover School's new library ...
CARRIE: And to you, sir!
[they shake on it]
CARRIE: So, how much should we give? Two hundred and fifty dollars?
DOUG: We couldn't be better people if we tried!
CARRIE: Unless we bump it up to five hundred ...
DOUG: Look out, now we're better people!
[she starts writing in her checkbook]
CARRIE: Actually, wait a minute, can we really afford to give five hundred?
DOUG: [pause] Can we afford not to?
CARRIE: Alright, five hundred big ones!
[she points at the brochure]
CARRIE: Oh look, it says here that that puts us in the Patrons Circle!
DOUG: Wow, we rocketed past Friends and Angels! So long losers!
CARRIE: "Patrons" sounds fancy!
DOUG: Yeah ... I'm Patron Doug! Just like in colonial times!
CARRIE: Wh-what're you talking about?
[he gets a sad look on his face]
DOUG: I dunno, but why do you gotta call me out on everything?
[cut to inside the school library, as little kids are running around while Doug and Carrie help themselves to refreshments]
CARRIE: How great is this?
DOUG: An elementary school library dedication ... this is as good as it gets!
CARRIE: We are out of hell with a bullet!
[Deacon enters the scene, followed by an elderly African American woman]
DEACON: Hey, guys.
DEACON: Thanks again for coming tonight. I wanted to introduce you to Nana Louise. She runs the place, and she wanted to thank you for your donation.
CARRIE: Oh, hi!
LOUISE: Hi! I can't tell you how much we appreciate your generosity!
CARRIE: Oh, well ... if we can help one child read one book, then we've done our job.
DOUG: Oh, absolutely. You know, I always say that reading is ... fundamental.
[a little boy enters the scene and hands the librarian a book]
KENNY: Nana Louise, can you read me this book?
LOUISE: Oh yes, of course. In just a few minutes, David.
KENNY: [pause] I'm Kenny.
[she looks at everyone and smiles]
LOUISE: There's so many of them ... Excuse me a moment.
[she heads for the front of the library, where a large sheet is draped over one of the walls]
LOUISE: Attention, everyone. If you could come toward me, please.
[the children gather around, as Doug and Carrie move in closer with the rest of the adults]
LOUISE: We want to thank our wonderful donors for their generosity. Give yourselves a great big hand!
LOUISE: And, as our way of saying "thank you", may I present our commemorative wall of donors!
[she turns to take the sheet down, but has trouble moving it]
DOUG: [whispers] Mmm, Nana Louise got back!
[Carrie hits him on the shoulder]
CARRIE: [whispers] Stop it!
[Deacon comes over to help remove the sheet, revealing a large plaque labelled "Robert Hoover Elementary School Library Fund"]
LOUISE: Enjoy the rest of the evening!
[everyone applauds, then disperse to the back of the library ... as Doug and Carrie walk over by themselves to the plaque]
CARRIE: Honey, our name is on a wall! How exciting is this?
CARRIE: Patrons, patrons ... this is great!
[they scan the plaque with huge smiles, but their faces slowly fall when they fail to find their names]
CARRIE: Uh ...
[he points at the bottom of the plaque]
DOUG: Look, here we are ... in "Friends!"
DOUG: Isn't that the fifty-dollar category?
DOUG: Are you sure you gave five hundred?
CARRIE: Yeah! I'm positive, Doug, I already got the cancelled check back from the bank! The school must'a made a mistake!
DOUG: Huh ...
DOUG: [pause] I-I mean, it doesn't matter, we didn't do it for the credit. We ... did it for the kids.
CARRIE: Right ... the kids. It's not like we can say, "Hey! We were supposed to be Patrons!" Y'know? That wouldn't be very charitable.
[he gives a forced laugh]
DOUG: No, it would not! No ...
[she pretends to laugh, then turns in disgust]
[after debating whether or not to tell the librarian that a mistake was made with their donation, Carrie and Doug return to the library for the school read-along, where she (unbeknownst to her husband) tries to convince Kirby to confront Nana Louise for her]
CARRIE: So, you're just gonna tell Nana Louise that Doug and I were supposed to be ...
[Kirby doesn't respond]
CARRIE: Starts with a "P" ... "Paaaay"?
[still not getting a response, she angrily points at the top of the plaque]
CARRIE: Patrons, Kirby, Patrons! Okay, maybe we should go over this again ... Okay!
KIRBY: I have to go to the bathroom.
CARRIE: Alright, well, you're a big boy! You can hold it, right?
KIRBY: It hurts ...
CARRIE: Yeah, alright, I need you to focus, honey ...
[he runs off]
CARRIE: No no, Kirby! Kirby!
[he runs past Deacon, as Carrie tries to play innocent]
DEACON: Hey, uh, what's going on?
CARRIE: Oh, well ... Um, Kirby noticed that we were listed as "Friends" instead of "Patrons" on the wall, and he was pretty upset. He wanted to talk to Nana Louise.
[Doug (who had been reading "Horton Hears a Who" to the children) enters the scene]
DOUG: You guys read this? It's very good.
DEACON: W-Why would Kirby care where you're listed on the wall?
[Doug gives a shocked look to his wife]
DOUG: What? What is wrong with you?!
CARRIE: It's perfect! What's more innocent than having it come from a child?
DOUG: Alright, y'know what? This is ... this is it! This is where I get off, girlfriend!
CARRIE: What does that mean?
DOUG: That means you're free to marry your true love ... Satan!
[Deacon looks over at some nearby children]
DEACON: He said "Santa" ... Okay, am I gonna have to have you two removed from an elementary school?
DOUG: Okay, y'know? It's not my fault, it's her fault! She's sick!
CARRIE: No no no, I'm not sick, honey. I-I realized something about myself, okay? I'm not a bad person, I'm just very petty. I want to do good things for people, I just want them to know that I'm doing them.
DOUG: And that's sick!
[Nana Louise exits a door marked "Louise Swanson, Librarian" and walks up to Carrie]
LOUISE: Is there a problem?
CARRIE: [pause] Actually, Nana Louise, there is ...
[cut to inside the librarian's office]
CARRIE: So I guess a zero got dropped somewhere along the way ...
LOUISE: Oh, I feel terrible!
CARRIE: Well, it didn't bother us. It's just that if people were to see that we were Patrons, it might inspire them to give more ... It's for the kids, really.
[she smiles, while Doug looks away in disgust]
LOUISE: Again, I'm so sorry. We'll have to make it up to you.
CARRIE: Well, um, y'know, I should get back out there. I promised little Timmy I'd read him "Charlotte's Web" ...
[they get up to leave]
DOUG: [whispers] There is no little Timmy. You're the queen of darkness.
CARRIE: [whispers] Shut up!
[they exit, as Louise looks at a piece of paper on her desk]
LOUISE: Alright, an extra zero would make that ...
LOUISE: Five thousand dollars?! Oh my!
[cut to a new plaque on the wall, reading "The Douglas and Carrie Heffernan Library", as Deacon and his son stare at it]
DEACON: What the ...
[cut to Deacon confronting Doug and Carrie in their home]
DOUG: They named the library after us?
[she turns to hide her smile, but Deacon still has an angry look on his face]
DEACON: Yeah ... Look, I don't really have all the details, but I've got a gut feeling that wasn't supposed to happen.
DOUG: Y'know what it probably was--
[Deacon puts a hand in his face]
DEACON: Ahh! Please ... Understand something? I only stopped by that day as a courtesy, because I know Doug likes candy. I didn't realize the evil I would be unleashing. So, if you don't see me and my son come around for a while, I think you'll know why.
[he turns to leave]
DEACON: Goodbye ... and good day.
[he exits, and Doug closes the door behind him]
DOUG: Nana Louise musta screwed up again. We're gonna have to go down there and straighten it out.
CARRIE: [pause] Do we?
CARRIE: What? I've always wanted a library!
DOUG: You always wanted a library?
CARRIE: Okay, I've always wanted a Jaguar, but I'm never gonna get that, so let me have this!
DOUG: Carrie, if we don't fix this, we're definitely goin' to hell!
CARRIE: No, we're going to heaven! We donated a friggin' library!
DOUG: But we didn't! God knows that!
CARRIE: God will see the big sign with our names on it and move on to other stuff ... He doesn't check into those things!
DOUG: Carrie, sweetheart, listen to me! The library doesn't belong to us ... We gotta give it back.
[she starts to say something, but he puts his hand up]
[cut back to Nana Louise in her office]
LOUISE: I'm confused ...
[Doug points to the paper on her desk]
DOUG: No, see, see ... We gave five hundred, you just added an extra zero, that's all.
CARRIE: Look, if it's easier for you to keep the sign up, we're okay with that--
[he shoots her a dirty look]
LOUISE: Oh boy, I seem to make so many silly mistakes these days ... The school board isn't gonna be too happy with me.
DOUG: I'm sure they'll understand.
[cut to the librarian holding a big cardboard box full of her belongings, as the children are gathered around her]
LOUISE: Children, the school board says that Nana Louise is very tired and can't read to you anymore.
RITCHIE: No, Nana Louise, don't go!
LOUISE: Oh, don't cry, Leonard.
RITCHIE: [pause] I'm Ritchie.
LOUISE: Oh ... oh dear.
Season 4: Episode 97: Patrons Ain't
Carrie and Doug begin preparing for tax time and realize that their charitable giving leaves a little to be desired. In an effort to get out of feeling guilty and to make amends for what they see as "selfish living" in the past year, they decide to make a donation to the local kid's library at Deacon's son's school. However, Carrie's charitable spirit starts to be about recognition rather than the actual joy of giving. When the administration mistakenly thinks the Heffernans gave $500 rather than $50, Doug and Carrie scramble to keep the recognition without having to pay the price.
The King of Queens
Season 4, Episode 22
6 May 2002
Doug and Carrie donate enough money to Kirby's school library to become patrons of it. However, on the plaque they're only listed as friends.
Kevin James ... Doug Heffernan
Leah Remini ... Carrie Heffernan
Victor Williams ... Deacon Palmer
Marshaun Daniel ... Kirby Palmer
Marla Gibbs ... Nana Louise