Are you there God? It's me, Satan.
Written by: Holly McKee-Clark
Mrs. Tupper: Patricia Villetto
Cooper: Tim Noonan
Charles Thiel: Shalom Nieva
Fuskus: Johnny Koucourek
Added: 8 months ago
[scene opens in a library, where an elderly female librarian (grey wig in a bun, brown sweater, black dress) is stamping books while a male patron is reading in the corner, when another male patron enters the room with a confused look on his face]
CHARLES: Excuse me ... am I dead?
[the librarian sighs and shakes her head]
MRS TUPPER: Another one ...
[a thunderclap sound effect plays, then a "demon" enters, waving a scythe around]
FUSKUS: Ah ha ha! Where in cursed hell be the damned soul?!
[the librarian puts a finger to her lips and shushes him]
MRS TUPPER: Shh!
FUSKUS: You shall not curse the right-hand demon of Satan!
MRS TUPPER: And you shall not disrupt my reading environment!
[the demon gives an annoyed grunt and waves his scythe at her]
CHARLES: Where am I?
[the librarian sighs again]
MRS TUPPER: Welcome to Hell's Library.
CHARLES: But ... this is just my normal library.
[as the demon consults a book, the man turns to the other male patron and waves]
CHARLES: Hey Cooper.
[the other patron (apparently unfazed by being in Hell's Library) turns and gives a quick wave]
MRS TUPPER: Well unfortunately, it's also the local gateway to eternal damnation.
FUSKUS: Now, to find out what terrible deeds you've done to get here, I shall consult the Book of the Damned!
[he starts to cackle menacingly again]
MRS TUPPER: It's overdue, you know.
[the demon stops and gets a confused look on his face]
FUSKUS: What, no I ... I renewed it online last week. It--
MRS TUPPER: Yeah. Last week, and now it's due again.
[the demon pauses, then bangs his scythe agains the wall in frustration]
FUSKUS: Clubbicus dammicus! Can I at least read him his sentence, please?
MRS TUPPER: Fine.
[the demon opens the book]
FUSKUS: Good ...
MRS TUPPER: No, fine! You're payin' a fine this time, or you're returning it! It's on the wait list!
FUSKUS: Wait list? Who would possibly--
[the librarian points at the other male patron]
MRS TUPPER: Cooper.
[he looks up from his book and again gives a nonchalant wave]
FUSKUS: Godammit, Cooper! What would you possibly want with this book?!
COOPER: I need some cool lingo for the "Dungeon and Dragons" tournament.
CHARLES: Ha, people still play that?
[Cooper suddenly gets very defensive]
COOPER: Yes, people still play that!
[Charles back off, while the librarian signals the demon]
MRS TUPPER: Go ahead ...
FUSKUS: Thank you ...
[he clears his throat, and begins reading from the book while pointing his scythe at Charles]
FUSKUS: Charles Thiel! For your crimes against humanity, you have--
[the librarian shushes him again]
MRS TUPPER: Shh!
FUSKUS: You are just the worst! How am I supposed to get any reaping done, with you shushing all the time?!
[he knocks a book off the table in front of her]
FUSKUS: Godammit ...
[he walks over to Cooper, obviously frustrated at the lack of respect being shown to him]
CHARLES: Looks like someone needs something from the Self Hell-p section ...
[he lifts up a hand (expecting the librarian to high-five him for his "clever" wordplay) but she just bends down to pick up the book]
MRS TUPPER: Puns will only damn you further ...
[the demon picks up a pile of books next to Cooper]
FUSKUS: Alright, y'know what, whatever! Let's just get over this ...
[he shoves the books in Charles' chest and begins rambling in a rushed emotionless tone]
FUSKUS: Charles Thiel, here is your sentence. Shelving books for all of eternity. Uh, you earned it, you're an asshole. Goodbye, I'm out!
[he throws his hands up and turns to leave, as Charles reads the spine title of one of the books]
[he reads another book title]
CHARLES: "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret?!"
FUSKUS: Yes ...
CHARLES: Whose selections are these?
FUSKUS: Satan's, of course ... Now get back to being unhappy!
[he leaves, as another thunderclap sound effect plays]
MRS TUPPER: So, what were your crimes against humanity?
CHARLES: [pause] I drowned a school bus full of children.
MRS TUPPER: Oh. Why'd you do it?
CHARLES: My parents didn't read to me.
[the theme song from "Reading Rainbow" plays, as the lights go out]
TONIGHT! 8PM! More of this, etc!
DCT, iO West
Snarf is a sketch comedy group who's quick with the wit and has the looks to boot. Snarf will make you kick your legs around like a child and laugh til your period starts. Snarf takes the stage in the Del Close Theater at iOWest on Sunday nights!