Librarians in Comic Books... Ren & Stimpy!
From: Ren and Stimpy Show (1995) #35
Tags: librarians comic books ren stimpy nickelodeon nicktoons kricfalusi library jail
Added: 8 months ago
[the first panel shows a closeup of the face of an elderly female librarian (grey hair pulled back tight in a bun, glasses, green eyes, hair on chin, sharp pointy teeth, blue dress, pearl necklace)]
MISS SHARP: Enough of your stubborness, Mister Hoek! Are you going to talk?
[the second panel shows a closeup of Ren, looking perfectly calm]
REN: Uhhh, okay. What do you wanna talk about?
[the third panel shows a closeup of Ren, with a surprised look on his face]
MISS SHARP: [from off camera] Let's start with ... the book.
[the fourth panel shows Ren sitting on a pile of books underneath a spotlight (with a guilty grin on his face), as the librarian continues to yell at him while two male "assistants" stand on either side]
REN: I already told you ... I deedn't check out no baby book about Squeeshy Bunnies!
MISS SHARP: Mister Hoek, you're either the most stubborn man I've ever known ... or the stupidest. Reginald, commence with the interrogation ... noogies!
REN: Noogies? Heh heh, why didn't you say so?
[the fifth panel shows a flashback of Ren and Stimpy standing outside of the public library]
REN: [in voice over] It started when I realized I needed some mental stimulation! As a patron of fine leeterature, I decided to visit your fair eenstitution ...
REN: I don't know why you eenseested on coming to the library, Steempy ... you know you can't read.
STIMPY: But Ren, today is Wednesday, and you know what that means!
REN: Buy one get one free night at the Fez Hut?
[the sixth panel shows Ren and Stimpy inside the library, where a male librarian is reading a book to several children sitting on the floor]
STIMPY: Wrong! Wednesday means lollipops, nap time, and storybook hour!
MALE LIBRARIAN: And then Wobbly the Wacky Wombat wiggled his black button nose, and fell into the yawning abyss!
[the seventh panel shows a closeup of Ren and Stimpy]
MALE LIBRARIAN: [from off camera] The darkness surrounded Wobbly as he plunged deeper and deeper ... "Aiiieeee!" Wobbly screamed. "Aiiieeee!"
STIMPY: How terrible! The poor lil' guy! What happens next!?
REN: Oh, brother ... Enough of thees eediocy. I'm going to find some reeeal books!
[the eighth panel shows Ren carrying a large stack of books ("Love Furnace", "Passion Fire", "Kiss Me", "Kiss Him", "Kiss Her", "Warm Desire", "Love Shack", "Mystery Date", "Go Vendela Go", "Who's That Girl?") to the librarian at the front desk, as the two male assistants look at him disapprovingly]
REN: [in voice over] So, I left Steempy with the other three-year-olds and got me some proper reading material.
REN: Ah, notheeng like a stack of good books to challenge the brain.
MISS SHARP: Ren Hoek! You've returned at last! Thought you could get away with more precious romance books, eh? Not on my watch!
[the ninth panel shows a closeup of the librarian's face]
REN: [from off camera] What? Did I go over the limit or something? I'll put one back--
MISS SHARP: Don't try and deny your crime! "The Happy Squishy Bunny Book" is nine months overdue ... and you're responsible!
[the tenth panel shows a shadow of the librarian's hands reaching out towards the terrified Ren]
MISS SHARP: [from off camera] Come with us!
[the eleventh panel shows one of the assistants dragging Ren away by the ears, as Stimpy looks on helplessly]
STIMPY: Hello, Ren ... Gee, you missed a swell story!
REN: Steempy! Save me from theese library geeks!
LIBRARIAN COP 1: Who you calling a geek, geek?
[the twelfth panel shows Stimpy with a concerned look on his face]
STIMPY: Poor Ren ... He must have been caught abusing the photocopier again.
[the thirteenth panel shows Ren behind bars, in a makeshift "prison" built into one of the bookshelves]
REN: I deedn't know libraries had jail cells ... Hey, turkey! I wanna make a phone call! I wanna speak to a lawyer!
[the fourteenth panel shows a closeup of Ren's face, with tears in his eyes]
REN: Woe ees me! Eemprisoned for a crime I deedn't commit ...
[the fifteenth panel shows Ren walking up to the jail cell with a big smile on his face]
STIMPY: Never fear, Ren! Now you have lots of time to enjoy story hour!
REN: But, but ... I am eenocent, man!
STIMPY: Sure, Ren ... I believe you! Well, it's time for another Wacky Wombat story! See ya later!
[the sixteenth panel shows Ren with two other "prisoners" (a man and a pig wearing dark sunglasses), sitting at a table covered in piles of date-dute slips]
NARRATOR: Later ...
REN: Psst! Hey, what are you een here for, man?
PIG: Overdue albums, my accented friend. LPs. Records. I love the oh so mellow tones of jazz ... now all I hear are my own steady rhythms stamping date-due cards.
[the seventeenth panel shows Ren using a "Last Notice" stamp on one of the date-due slips, with a big smile on his face]
REN: Well, thees ain't so bad. No yelling, no stress, no hassle ... Just nice and easy stampeeng.
[the eighteenth panel shows Ren continuing to stamp his date-due slips ("Thump! Thump!") with little effort]
REN: Thass one ... Thass two ...
[the nineteenth panel shows a large pile of stamped date-due slips, as Ren (with blood shot eyes) struggles to lift his arm]
REN: Thass three thousand, four hundred and feefty seex ...
[the twentieth panel shows a closeup of Ren, with an exhausted look on his face]
REN: Geez, when do we get a break? My stampeeing arm is keeling me!
[the twenty first panel shows a closeup of Ren shaking and sweating profusely, as the sounds of the other prisoners stamping date-due slips ("Thump! Thump!") can be heard in the background]
REN: And eet's so ... quiet, except for the thumpeeng.
[the twenty second panel shows Ren getting more and more agitated]
REN: Like a bill collector pounding at the door, over and over!
[the twenty third panel shows Ren with an insane grin on his face]
REN: Stop thumpeeng at me, man, d'ya hear!? The check's in the mail, you'll just have to wait!
[the twenty fourth panel shows Ren giggling maniacally, as he jumps on the table (revealing the ball and chain attached to his ankle) and kicking a stack of date-due slips]
REN: They're all out to get me! Weeth their breefcases and their payments overdue! Well, I'm broke, man! All tapped out!
[the twenty fifth panel shows Ren with a stamp in each hand, stamping "Over Due" over and over on the surface of the table, as the two male assistants rush up behind him]
REN: Take that! And that! Whaddya say now, Meester Man, hah? Now you're the one overdue!
LIBRARY COP 1: What's all that racket?
LIBRARY COP 2: Hoek! I shoulda known ... Miss Sharp will hear of this!
[the twenty sixth panel shows a dejected Ren in the head librarian's office, as she holds his burning library card in one hand while pointing at him with the other]
MISS SHARP: Jumping on tables, knocking over date due cards, and worst of all ... screaming in the library! Your paranoid outbursts ruined our mahogany circulation table, not to mention a perfectly good overdue stamp. I could see to it you'd never get to read another romance novel for the rest of your life, Hoek.
REN: No, anytheeng but that!
[the twenty seventh panel shows her yelling (and getting spittle all over his face]
MISS SHARP: You're a lost cause, a blight upon the proud face of readers everywhere! I'm permanently revoking your library card and I never want to see you here again!
REN: You, you mean you're letteeng me go?
MISS SHARP: Oh, yesss ... But first, you must be processed.
[the twenty eighth panel shows Ren walking towards his trailer park]
NARRATOR: One processing later ...
REN: Steempy! Oh, where are you, Steempy?
STIMPY: [from off camera] Hark! And whose dulcet tones do I hear, pray tell?
[the twenty ninth panel shows Stimpy jumping out of their trailer to welcome his friend back]
STIMPY: Why, my bestest buddy in the whole wide world, Smiling Ren Hoek!
REN: Hello, Steempy.
[the thirtieth panel shows a closeup of Ren's face, with a big "Discard" stamp on his forehead (literally caving in his skull with the force of the stamping)]
STIMPY: Why Ren, what a handsome tattoo!
REN: Eet's no tattoo, Steempson.
[the thirty first panel shows the two inside their trailer]
REN: Look what she deed to me, Steempy! I'm scarred for life! I ... I've been deescarded!
STIMPY: Ren! Your clever verbal clue has jogged my memory! I know where I put "The Happy Squishy Bunny Book!"
[the thirty second panel shows Stimpy rushing off in the opposite direction]
STIMPY: Wait there, I'll be right back!
[the thirty third panel shows Stimpy digging through his "Gritty Kitty" litter box]
STIMPY: Joy, oh, joy!
[the thirty fourth panel shows a closeup of the book (covered in kitty litter) in Stimpy's hand]
STIMPY: Ah, still pristine!
[the thirty fifth panel shows a smiling Stimpy holding the book in front of a non-plussed Ren]
STIMPY: We can look at the pictures together, Ren! Won't that be fun? You'll love the part when the Squishy Bunny dances the merengue!
[the thirty sixth panel shows the two library assistants bursting into the trailer]
LIBRARY COP 1: Hold it right there, you dastardly stealer of books!
LIBRARY COP 2: You're both under arrest!
[the thirty seventh panel shows Ren with a crazy look on his face, while Stimpy just looks more confused]
REN: Oh no ... Not me, man! I've done my time! There's no way I'm goin' back, y'hear?!
STIMPY: The jig is up!
[the thirty eighth panel shows both Ren and Stimpy in prisoner garb, stamping large piles of books]
MISS SHARP: [in voice over] By the authority invested in me as head librarian, I now pass judgment. For burying one of our most in-demand children's books, I hereby sentence the two of you to twenty years hard library labor ... starting with the installation of our new automated system.
REN: Steempy, we've got to stamp computer check-out codes into every book een the library! Eet'll take decades! Years, even!
STIMPY: I know, Ren! But look at the bright side ...
[the thirty ninth panel shows a closeup of Stimpy smiling wildly]
STIMPY: At last the two of us will be able to sit down and enjoy some fine lit-er-ature!
NARRATOR: The end! Now go read a real book!
Collins, Terry. "Situation Overdue" Ren & Stimpy #35 Oct. 1995.
Ren is interrogated by two men wearing badges (library policemen?) and a mean-looking, stereotypical librarian (with fangs). Ren asks Stimpy why he's coming with him to the library when he can't even read. Stimpy answers that it's Wednesday which means "lollipops, nap-time and storybook hour." The librarian with the fangs accuses Ren of being responsible for the 9-months-overdue "The Happy Squishy Bunny Book," and is taken away. Stimpy thinks Ren has been caught "abusing the photocopier" again. Ren is surprised that libraries have jail cells.
He and 2 other "offenders" must stamp stacks of date due cards with the "overdue" stamp. When Ren goes berserk, he is sent back to the librarian. She is holding his burning library card and is angry with him for jumping on tables, knocking over date due cards, and, "worst of all . . . screaming in the library." He also ruined the mahogany table and a "perfectly good date due stamp."
She threatens to see to it that he never gets to read another romance novel for the rest of his life. She permanently revokes his library card and tells him never to be seen at the library again "but first you must be processed." His forehead gets a permanent mark on it: DISCARD. Then the library police come in and arrest them both. Head librarian: "For burying one of our most in-demand children's books, I hereby sentence the two of you to twenty years hard labor starting with the installation of our new automated system." Ren figures it'll take decades to finish stamping computer checkout codes into every book in the library. Stimpy answers "but . . . at least the two of us will be able to sit down and enjoy some fine lit-er-ature!" And finally an open book icon with one page saying "THE END" and the other saying "Now go read a REAL book."
The Ren & Stimpy Show #35
Marvel, 1992 Series
Ren & Stimpy / comic story / 10 pages
Script: Terry "Four Eyes" Collins
Pencils: Kristen "Shhhhhh" Sather
Inks: Wayne "Brainiac" Murray
Colors: Ed "Bookworm" Laz
Letters: Vickie "Dictionary" Williams
Editor: Mike "Teacher's Pet" Lackey
Editor in Chief: Carl "Encyclopedia" Potts