Real Monsters ep Misery Date
The Gromble wants to go on a date with the Library Monster, but he has to maintain the impression that he's "nice"
Added: 10 months ago
[scene opens in the Monster Academy Library, as the Gromble can barely stay awake while his students are studying ... meanwhile, Krumm is talking to Oblina, when the Library Monster (a bulbous three-eyed creature with a reel-to-reel tape recorder growing out of her head) walks by and shushes them]
GROMBLE: [yawning] Class, uh ... I think we've had enough for today, hm? Let's call it a little early, shall we? Class dismissed.
[everyone leaves, except the Gromble notices what he believes to be Ickus remaining in his chair (his two red ears sticking out from behind a book)]
LIBRARY MONSTER: Shh! Shh!
GROMBLE: [whispers] You can go.
["Ickus" remains motionless, so the Gromble removes the book ... revealing that it's just two red socks propped up to look like his ears]
GROMBLE: Grrr ...
[cut to Ickus trying to sneak out of the library]
[he freezes and cowers in terror, as the Gromble snarls at him menacingly]
LIBRARY MONSTER: [from off camera] Oh!
[cut to the Library Monster running towards them, carrying a bone]
LIBRARY MONSTER: You forgot your bone!
[she trips and falls]
GROMBLE: Oh, I ... oh.
[he looks at her as if he's suddenly fallen in love (with the sound of a wolf howling in the background)]
GROMBLE: Ickus ...
GROMBLE: [sweetly] Be a good monster and, uh, run along now, won't you?
[he pushes him off camera, then turns to the Library Monster and laughs nervously]
GROMBLE: I, uh ... you! You, heh heh. Hasn't the weather been hideous lately?
LIBRARY MONSTER: Oh. Yes, I suppose ...
[she hands him his bone]
[she turns and leaves]
GROMBLE: Oh ...
[cut to the three main characters in their dorm room]
ICKUS: I was Snorched for sure! Then outta nowhere, he goes "Run along Ickus" and lets me go ...
OBLINA: Well, that is bizarre! For no reason, he let you go?
ICKUS: Yeah, when he heard the Library Monster call his name, it was like somebody ate his brain!
KRUMM: Sounds like he's ... in love.
OBLINA: Oooh, that's it, Krummy! The Gromble has a squish on the Library Monster! Oh, isn't that darling!
ICKUS: So he didn't Snorch me because he was in love?
OBLINA: Yes, Icky ... Love has touched his heart and opened it to the world!
ICKUS: Oh, so as long as he stays all goo-goo for the Library Monster ...
[he laughs, then his voice takes a menacing tone]
ICKUS: We can do whatever we want! Oh, this is good!
OBLINA: It is wonderful!
[the Gromble enters]
GROMBLE: Ahem ...
[Ickus screams in fright]
OBLINA: Hello ...
[she giggles knowingly]
GROMBLE: Oblina, may I speak to you ... alone?
[Krumm drags Ickus out of the room]
GROMBLE: She's the most hideous creature to ever walk the dump.
OBLINA: It's lovely!
GROMBLE: One look at her and I felt ... what's the word?
[Ickus pokes his head in through the door]
GROMBLE: That's it! I felt squishy!
GROMBLE: But I don't know what to do! It's been three hundred years since I've felt the slightest bit squishy about anyone ...
GROMBLE: No Oblina, it's terrible! Help me, Oblina, you're female. You're young. Surely you must have some idea what to do to make her care. What do I do? What do I say?
[he suddenly starts yelling]
GROMBLE: How do I make her love me?!?
OBLINA: Oh. Uh, I ... I don't think you can--
[Ickus (sensing an opportunity slipping away) grabs Oblina and pulls her out into the hallway so the Gromble can't hear them]
ICKUS: Waddayou mean, "Ooh ah habba, I don't think you can?"
OBLINA: Because she's so nice, and he's ... well--
[the Gromble pokes his head out into the hallway]
GROMBLE: [sweetly] What? Oblina, you can tell me.
OBLINA: Oh. Uh, how can I put it? You have a, well it's ... a "dynamic" personality. Mm-hmm.
ICKUS: Which may be just a tad too "dynamic" for the Library Monster.
ICKUS: Oh, but we can fix that!
[he laughs nervously]
ICKUS: Or Oblina can, in just two hours ... I'll bet Oblina could teach you to be less "dynamic", and a little nicer.
GROMBLE: And if I was ... ahem, nice, you think she'd like me?
ICKUS: Oh, without a doubt!
GROMBLE: But then what? Where do I take her? I want it to be perfect, but I don't know the first thing about dating!
ICKUS: Say no more! Just get yourself sweet, and be by the banks of the Great Sewer at eight.
[cut to the Gromble and the Library Monster standing outside of the dump]
LIBRARY MONSTER: I'm so excited!
LIBRARY MONSTER: Your two students said that ... you had an unforgettable night planned.
GROMBLE: Uh, really?
LIBRARY MONSTER: So ... where to?
GROMBLE: Uh, well, I ... Uh, I think--
[Ickus and Krumm suddenly appear in a "gondola" made out of garbage]
GROMBLE: Ah! I thought we might start with a boat ride!
[they get on, and Ickus starts to "serenade" them with horrible singing (and accidentally splashing water on the Gromble with his paddle) ... he starts to get agitated, but the Library Monster (who doesn't appear to notice his anger) turns to him and smiles happily]
LIBRARY MONSTER: Isn't this nice?
GROMBLE: Yes, it is ...
[Ickus splashes him again]
LIBRARY MONSTER: You're nice, too ...
[his anger quickly disappears]
GROMBLE: Oh ... Heh.
[he smiles, and Ickus splashes him again (although this time he continues to smile)]
[cut to the Gromble and the Library Monster walking through the dump]
GROMBLE: You know, the dump has never looked as hideous as it does tonight. It's amazing how something ... or someone can be a part of your life every day, but you never really see how hideous it is.
LIBRARY MONSTER: You know, you're right. I've always had this impression that you were, uh ... how do I say this? Uh, mean.
ICKUS: [from off camera] Ahem!
[camera pans out to show Ickus following them while holding a bouquet of "flowers"]
LIBRARY MONSTER: Whenever I turned around, there you were ... yelling at one of your students. But that doesn't seem like the real you at all!
GROMBLE: Oh, uh ... it's not very, uh, me! Oh, I yell at my students, heh heh, just so they respect me! The real me is a, uh, pussycat! Meow!
[Ickus, still trying to get their attention, pulls the Gromble's tail]
[he composes himself, then turns back to the Library Monster]
GROMBLE: [calmly] Will you, uh, excuse me?
[he turns to Ickus, still talking calmly but now with an angry look on his face]
GROMBLE: Ickus, be a dear and don't pull my tail ...
[Ickus hands him the "bouquet" (which consists of dead fish) and he gives it to the Library Monster]
[cut to the monsters setting up a meal for the Gromble and the Library Monster to eat by moonlight, as the couple enters the scene]
GROMBLE: [sweetly] Do you think we could trouble you for something to sit on?
[Ickus and Oblina run off to get chairs, but run right into Krumm ... who drops the plate of food right on the Gromble's head]
GROMBLE: Grrr ...
[he almost loses it, but the Library Monster laughs]
LIBRARY MONSTER: You're not mad, are you?
[he puts on a fake smile and tries to laugh it off]
GROMBLE: No! Me? Ha ha, no! Excuse me ...
[he runs off to the top of a giant pile of garbage and screams in anger, then returns]
OBLINA: Oh, I'll bet you two would love to dance!
GROMBLE: We would? I mean, uh, yes we would! Yes! Let's!
[Oblina whispers to Ickus]
OBLINA: [whispers] Quickly! A song!
[cut to Ickus and Krumm performing on the "stage" set up]
ICKUS: Are there any lovers here tonight?
OBLINA: [whispers] Ickus! Sing!
ICKUS: [singing] With the light of the festering moon ...
[as Ickus continues singing badly, the Library Monster continuously steps on the Gromble's feet while trying to dance]
LIBRARY MONSTER: Oh! Sorry!
GROMBLE: No, that's alright ...
LIBRARY MONSTER: Whoopsie!
GROMBLE: Oh! Heh heh, no problem ...
LIBRARY MONSTER: Oh, excuse me!
[the Gromble nearly yells out in pain, but tries to turn it into laughter]
GROMBLE: It's okay ... Listen, why don't we head back to the Academy?
[they walk off, as the Gromble continues to try and maintain a happy demeanor through clenched teeth]
GROMBLE: I want to remember this ... wonderful night just as it is.
[the Gromble (after deciding that he cannot lie to his new love any longer and must show his true self to her) enters the library and finds the Library Monster on a ladder reshelving a book]
GROMBLE: I have to speak to you ...
LIBRARY MONSTER: Oh, come in! I really had fun tonight!
GROMBLE: You were wonderful! That's why I have to talk to you ... Uh, I care a lot about you, but who I was tonight, it's not who I am. H-How can I say this? How can I make you see--
[Ickus (who wants the Gromble to continue pretending to be nice) enters]
ICKUS: Before anybody says anything, think about it ... Aren't things great just the way they are?
GROMBLE: Ickus ...
ICKUS: I mean, I mean look at you two! It just sets my heart all a-flutter, just the way it is right now!
[the Gromble begins shaking with rage]
GROMBLE: [calmly] Ickus ...
ICKUS: So Grombie, why don't you just say goodnight here, and we'll all head home, hmm?
ICKUS: Waddaya say?
[the Gromble finally explodes]
GROMBLE: [yelling] Ickus! You putrid oozing puddle of pus, be quiet!
[the Library Monster drops her book and begins trembling at the raised volume of his voice]
LIBRARY MONSTER: Oh!
GROMBLE: I am trying to make a point, and you are interrupting! Now clear outta here, before I press you between the pages of your monster manual!
[Ickus quickly leaves the library, while the Gromble reacts as if a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders]
GROMBLE: [to himself] Ohhh, that felt good!
LIBRARY MONSTER: Oh my ...
[the Gromble turns to the Library Monster and begins speaking calmly again]
GROMBLE: That, my dear, is what I was trying to tell you. The part of myself I've been afraid to reveal ... Tell me, now that you've seen that side of me, can you still care for me?
LIBRARY MONSTER: No.
LIBRARY MONSTER: No.
GROMBLE: I guess I'm a little too ... dynamic?
LIBRARY MONSTER: No, you're a little too loud.
GROMBLE: Well, I ... I'm afraid I can't change that.
LIBRARY MONSTER: I know. I'm sorry.
GROMBLE: So am I ... Oh well. So long.
[he dejectedly leaves the library]
Written by Mark Palmer
The Gromble is in love with the Library Monster, and he's not as strict as he used to be. Ickis is thrilled and wants to make sure that The Gromble stays in love, but The Gromble is unsure how to behave with a lady -it's been so long- so he asks Oblina for helpful hints.
Beverly Archer as The Library Monster (voice)