The Two Ronnies - The Confusing Library
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The Two Ronnies - The Confusing Library (1983).
From Series Ten - Broadcast: October 1983 - January 1984.
Tags: Two Ronnies Ronnie Barker Corbett Classic British Comedy
Added: 1 year ago
From: DuckPlumberThe2nd
Views: 127,469
[scene opens with a male patron (played by Ronnie Corbett) in a library, as he walks up to the front desk and speaks to the male librarian (played by Ronnie Barker)]
MALE PATRON: Um, excuse me, I wonder if you could help me. I'm having some trouble finding a book.
LIBRARIAN: Oh?
MALE PATRON: Yes, they all seem to be ... they all seem to be mixed up.
LIBRARIAN: [pause] Mixed up?
[the librarian looks around and points at the various bookshelves]
LIBRARIAN: They look alright to me ... All the red books over there, all the blue books over there, all the green ones over there.
MALE PATRON: You don't classify books by the color!
LIBRARIAN: Oh yes, it's the architect's idea. He said it'd look neater.
MALE PATRON: Well, neater it may be, but it doesn't make it easy to find the book you want, does it?
LIBRARIAN: Ah, well maybe I can help you, sir. What book is it exactly did you want, sir?
MALE PATRON: Well, it's called "The Twisted Spur" by E.M. Haggerty.
LIBRARIAN: Right, Haggerty.
[he clears his throat, then opens a book on the desk and starts leafing through the pages]
LIBRARIAN: Haggerty, Haggerty. Haggerty, Haggerty, Hennessey, Tennessey ... Haggerty, Haggerty, Haggerty!
MALE PATRON: Haggerty ...
LIBRARIAN: Haggerty ...
MALE PATRON: Haggerty.
LIBRARIAN: There he is! Haggerty ... Haggerty.
[he leans in and starts reading]
LIBRARIAN: "Spur, Twisted The ... Haggerty, E.M."
[he turns to the patron]
LIBRARIAN: It's a green book.
[he points off camera]
LIBRARIAN: It's probably back there with all the green books.
MALE PATRON: But there are thousands of green books there! I mean--
LIBRARIAN: Oh well, naturally, there are sub-divided.
MALE PATRON: Oh, good.
LIBRARIAN: All the big books are on the bottom, all the little books are on the top.
MALE PATRON: All the big books on the bottom and the little books on the top?!
LIBRARIAN: Yes. What're you, a little one or a big one?
MALE PATRON: Well, I don't know, do I?!
[as the patron becomes more and more exasperated, the librarian simply smiles and continues speaking to him politely]
LIBRARIAN: You're not being very helpful, are you, sir?
MALE PATRON: I'm not being very helpful?! How are we supposed to find books if you file them like that?
LIBRARIAN: Well, I've never had any trouble. Only this very morning, I found just the book I wanted, just like that.
[he snaps his fingers]
MALE PATRON: What was that?
LIBRARIAN: A big red one.
MALE PATRON: Look, I am not interested in the size or the color!
LIBRARIAN: Well, fortunately, upstairs we have duplicates of all these books that are down here. All up on the second floor.
MALE PATRON: Not classified by size and color.
LIBRARIAN: Not classified by size or color.
MALE PATRON: Ah, good. Then perhaps you can tell me where, on the second floor, I can find "The Twisted Spur?"
LIBRARIAN: Right.
MALE PATRON: E.M. Haggerty?
[the librarian smiles]
LIBRARIAN: Western, is it?
MALE PATRON: Uh, yes it is.
[the librarian takes another book and starts leafing through the pages]
LIBRARIAN: [pause] Is it a thick Western, or a thin Western?
MALE PATRON: Well, I don't know, do I?!
LIBRARIAN: Well, all the thin Westerns are on the right-hand side of upstairs, and all the thick ones are over on the left-hand side.
MALE PATRON: I don't believe this! Thick, green, thin, thick ... I mean, it's barmy!
LIBRARIAN: Barmy? Is that E.M. Barmy or W.H.O. Barmy?
[he starts leafing through the first book, but the patron continues yelling]
MALE PATRON: No, your system! It's stupid!
LIBRARIAN: Well, no one else has ever complained.
MALE PATRON: Well, I'm complaining! Will you please finally tell me where I can find a copy of "The Twisted Spur" by E.M. Haggerty?
[a middle aged female patron walks up behind them and places a large blue book on the desk]
MALE PATRON: Oh.
LIBRARIAN: Oh, hello, Misses Pollett! How'd you enjoy your book, then?
FEMALE PATRON: Oh, it was fantastic!
LIBRARIAN: Ah.
FEMALE PATRON: The most wonderful love story I've ever read! Ooh, they were so passionate! I mean, every time they met, he ... Ooooh!
[the librarian smiles and nods]
FEMALE PATRON: And she was all "Ooooh!" And I mean, they always ... I mean, caw!
[the librarian smiles and nods]
FEMALE PATRON: And he wouldn't leave her alone, and she kept goin' "Ooooh!" And she was all over him, and he was "Ooooh!" Oh, it was wonderful! Wonderful!
[she starts getting uncomfortably close to the male patron]
FEMALE PATRON: Just thinking about it makes me ... Ooooh!
[she smiles and leaves]
LIBRARIAN: Well now, what book was it you wanted, sir?
MALE PATRON: The big blue one, thank you.
[he takes the blue book, puts it under his arm, and quickly walks out of the library]
---
From wikipedia.org:
The Two Ronnies was a British sketch show which aired on BBC1 from 1971 to 1987. It featured the double act of Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett, the "Two Ronnies" of the title.
The show was based on the complementary personalities of Barker and Corbett, who never became an exclusive pairing, but continued to work independently in television outside of the editions of the Two Ronnies. The show was produced annually between 1971 and 1987. It had many notable writers including Ray Alan, John Cleese, Barry Cryer, Spike Milligan, David Nobbs, David Renwick, John Sullivan, Michael Palin, Terry Jones, Laurie Rowley. In addition, Barker used the pseudonym Gerald Wiley when writing sketches.
The show featured comic sketches in which Barker and Corbett appeared both together and separately, with various additions giving the programme the feeling of a variety show. The sketches often involved complex word-play, much of it written by Barker, who also liked to parody officialdom and establishment figures, as well as eccentrics. Corbett appeared quieter, more often acting as a foil for Barker, but remained an important part of the "chemistry".
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