Monday, November 11, 2013

Case Study No. 1108: Staff of the Minneapolis Central Library (Karate Kitty)

Karate Kitty
Get off your tuchus(tookus) and get to the library. Exercise your brain.
Tags: library knowledge red karate kitty books reading learning fun meow ga ga wtf
Added: 3 years ago
From: skleebie
Views: 62

[scene opens with an unnamed masked Mexican wrestler (whose voice alternates between impressions of Beetlejuice and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo) holding a library card up and speaking directly to the camera]
WRESTLER: Hey! What're you gonna do when the library card is comin' for you? You're gonna take your brain ... to the next level!
[he points to the heavens]
WRESTLER: Whooo! Oh yeah, ha ha!
[he drops an imaginary elbow]
WRESTLER: Wuh-zah!
[he points to the library card]
WRESTLER: Nobody messes with this guy!
[he shakes his fists]
WRESTLER: Yeah ... Libraries, libraries, libraries! Oh my! They're everywhere! So get off your tuches and get to one, and get knowledge!
[he points to his head]
WRESTLER: Whooo! How do you think I keep the heavyweight belt? 'Cause I outsmart my opponent, I out-think 'em! I get 'em, I pin 'em, and I keep the belt!
[he points to the camera]
WRESTLER: So get to the library, there's a ton'a stuff to learn! You can learn about physics ...
[he points to the camera]
WRESTLER: For example, decibel levels ... and then turn your car stereo down, 'cause you're buggin' everybody!
[he wiggles his fingers, then adopts a sing-songy cadence to his voice]
WRESTLER: Or how about ... get yourself a little book by Siggy Freud! A little thing called "ego", yeah.
[he starts yelling again, and points to the camera]
WRESTLER: And learn how to get yours in check! Quit spendin' all your dang money on expensive car rims! Three-hundred dollar purses! Two-hundred dollar sneakers, what's wrong with you? Hundred dollar sunglasses! Eight dollars for a mocha frappa-crappa-chino!
[he slaps himself in the head and yells]
WRESTLER: Oh my god, the only one you're impressin' is your inner child ... and he's about to get a spankin'!
[he slaps his hands together]
WRESTLER: From your feminine side! Whooo! Oh yeah! So come on, get to the library, and learn a little bit about yourself!
[he slaps himself in the head again]
WRESTLER: Ay ya ya ... And then, for all you people sittin' around all dang day! Playin' video games, watchin' reality TV, and texting! Knock it off!
[he slaps himself in the head again]
WRESTLER: You're drivin' me crazy! And you're turnin' your brain to mush! What's wrong with you? Come on!
[he reaches off camera and picks up an old Sega Genesis gaming console]
WRESTLER: Hah! Bleh bleh bleh ...
[he throws it down, then picks up a cellphone]
WRESTLER: Texting, reality TV, blah blah blah, oh come on ...
[he throws it down]
WRESTLER: Keep away from the Kardashians, they're crazy!
[he reaches off camera and picks up a Blackberry]
WRESTLER: And then all day ...
[he pretends to type on it]
WRESTLER: "Okay, I'm goin' to the bathroom! Okay, I'm goin' to blah blah blah!"
[he throws it down, then picks up some more cellphones]
WRESTLER: And you're texting, and you're texting, bah! "Duh, should I get the yogurt, blah blah blah!"
[he throws them down one by one and screams]
WRESTLER: Come on! Ya got phalanges, ya got opposable thumbs ... Make use of 'em! Get to the library! Learn how to fix something! Learn how to make something! Come on! You're turnin' your brain to mush, so get to the library!
[he stops and calms down]
WRESTLER: Hey, check it out ... I even got a book on how to teach my cat how to do nunchuks!
[he reaches off camera]
WRESTLER: Hey, c'mere kitty! Kitty!
KITTY: [from off camera] Meow!
[he picks up a cat hand puppet]
WRESTLER: Kitty, this is my kitty ...
[he uses his other hand to start swinging some nunchuks]
WRESTLER: Gonna show him some nunchuks ... Ha, got the book right at the library!
[he puts the nunchuks in the cat's "hands"]
WRESTLER: Come on, kitty! Come on ...
[he starts using the hand puppet to swing the nunchuks in a circle]
WRESTLER: Ha ha! Karate kitty!
KITTY: Meow!
WRESTLER: Come on, kitty. Come on--
[the "cat" starts hissing and hits him in the head with the nunchuks]
[he falls off camera, then weakly holds up the library card]
WRESTLER: Get to the library ... Daaah!
[cut to two more hand puppets, an alligator (who does an Arnold Schwarenegger impression) and a frog (who has his library card attached to a chain around his neck), as they "speak" directly to the camera]
ALLIGATOR: Yah, get to da library, man!
FROG: Heh heh, whoo doggie! Check it out, I got my new library card!
[he starts singing]
FROG: I'm goin' to the library! I'm goin' to the library!
[they start beatboxing]
FROG: Got my new card! For the library, it wasn't hard!
[they continue beatboxing]
FROG: Goin' to the library! Gonna get me a book! It'll be off the hook!
[the alligator laughs]
FROG: Hey, check it out! A man made a video of a library! Neat!
ALLIGATOR: Yah, do it man!
[they continue beatboxing, then cut to an unseen cameraman shooting footage of the outside of the Minneapolis Central Library]
CAMERAMAN: [from off camera] Check it out, man, it's the downtown library! Man, this my favorite library, man! They got a plethora of free stuff!
[he zooms in on the huge structure on the library's roof]
CAMERAMAN: [from off camera] Hey man, you think they'd let me bungie jump off the top'a there?
[cut to footage inside the library, as librarians and patrons can be seen walking up and down the stairways]
CAMERAMAN: [from off camera] Lookit this inside, this is awesome! This is awesome! Lookit that, man! Wow, that's awesome!
[cut to footage of the cameraman sneaking through the stacks, whispering to himself]
CAMERAMAN: [from off camera] Shhh ... Wow. Man, you can get lost in here.
[he stops and focuses on a copy of "Les Miserables"]
CAMERAMAN: [from off camera] Check it out, man. That's the book. I learned the song ... Yeah, that's it right there. Oh yeah.
[cut to the frog and the cat (still swinging his nunchuks) speaking directly to the camera]
KITTY: That's the library, karate kitty hopes to see you there!
[he hits the frog over the head and knocks him off camera]
KITTY: Meow!
[cut to an image of a person reading, repeated over and over on the computer screen]
CAMERAMAN: [from off camera] Check it out, they're everywhere! Somebody musta fed one after midnight!
[cut to the wrestler (now wearing glasses) as he reads from a book, with the cat sitting on his shoulder]
WRESTLER: "The lion let out a roar, and they ran as fast as they could!" Whooo!

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