A parody of Crocodile Hunter, library and information studies-style, filmed by several students from the School of Library and Information Studies at the University of Alberta.
Tags: crocodile hunter steve irwin library lis SLIS ualberta university of alberta librarians librarian male librarian guybrarian
Added: 2 years ago
[scene opens with a woman (wearing a fedora and adopting a bad Australian accent) speaking directly to the camera]
STEPHANIE: Hi, I'm Stephanie Irwin, and welcome to "The Librarian Hunter!" Now, as you can see, today we're here in the lovely Edmonton, Alberta, Canada! Today, we're gonna go and hunt some librarians, but first, you need to know a little bit more about the history of librarians and where they came from. Watch this clip!
[cut to a still image of a painting of some Neanderthals]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] Humankind has always had a need for organizing information, which dates back to prehistoric times.
[cut to a still image of cave drawings, with "TH9310.5" carved above some human figures]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] This is apparent from cave drawings dating back to 5000 B.C., when we see scribblings of catalog numbers for fire ... T-H-Nine-Three-One-Zero-Point-Five!
[cut to a still image of the evolution of man, from monkey to a naked guy pushing a bookcart]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] While the earliest librarians were knuckle-dragging primates, they eventually learned to stand upright due to the invention of bookcarts!
[cut to a still image of a painting of the interior of the Library of Alexandria]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] Leaving these caves, librarians took up residence in information repositories around the world. Perhaps the best-known ancient library was located in Alexandria, and it truly was glorious!
[cut to a still image of a recreation of the Library of Alexandria]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] This wondrous library eventually burned down ...
[cut to a still image of a building on fire]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] While it is uncertain of how exactly this happened, it has been passed down over centuries that it was in fact ...
[cut to a still image of a painting of a Neanderthal carrying a club, with "Where my iPad?!? Gone?!?! Rrrr!!! Destroy Lie-berry!!!" appearing over its head]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] Library hooligans! Legend has it that angry patrons who had their tablets and chisels stolen, after leaving them unattended, burned down the library out of frustration.
[cut to a still image of a wax figure representing a female Neanderthal]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] The librarians' appearances also developed over the years, evolving from overly furry ape-like beings ...
[cut to a black and white photo of a stereotypical female librarian (hair in a bun, pulling down her glasses and putting a finger to her lips)]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] The females branched out to be Bunned Librarians, and later ...
[cut to a still image of a Bacardi ad, featuring the back of a sexy young woman (with a tramp stamp of the Bacardi logo), and the text "Librarian by day. Bacardi by night."]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] Sexy Bacardi librarians! Whereas the males evolved to be, well ...
[cut to a still image of a young male librarian, scratching his head and holding a book]
STEPHANIE: [in voice over] Furry ape-like beings, who liked books!
[cut back to Stephanie standing outside of the Alberta School of Library and Information Studies]
STEPHANIE: Today, we're outside of the School of Library and Information Studies, known colloquially as "SLIS!" Now every year, usually in September, you'll get a whole herd of baby librarians coming down her to nest for the winter, sometimes into the spring! Now, the important thing to remember is that, since it's so cold here, it's very hard to get them out of their natural habitat once they've taken up residence here. On average, during the winter, it's minus-forty-five degrees Celsius, which is minus-forty-five degrees Fahrenheit! Very cold! Since it's the end of winter, let's see if we can still find some! Come with me!
[she tries to open the door, but it's locked]
STEPHANIE: Oh shit, they took my passcode ...
[she smiles awkwardly at the camera]
STEPHANIE: Right then, um ... we're just gonna find another way into the school! Come on!
[cut to an open window, as Stephanie struggles to climb through and get into the building]
STEPHANIE: Ow! Ow! My crotch!
[she finally gets in, then looks over at the camera and gets an angry look on her face]
STEPHANIE: How the hell'd you get in here?! Dammit ...
[she struggles to catch her breath]
STEPHANIE: Okay, um, let's just ... Let's go and find the librarians. Come on.
[cut to Stephanie entering a room with two male library students (one of them sleeping) sitting at a desk]
STEPHANIE: So, as you see here, we've got two baby librarians. Actually, we've got a regular librarian, who's getting his Master's degree, and a baby doctoral student, one of the rarest of the rare! Now, you can see how they resemble their older relatives, the professional librarians! However, they still have to go through graduation to be one of them. So, since it's "papers and projects" season, they will be very irritable if they are disturbed, so let's try and get away without being noticed.
[she tries to sneak away behind them, but one of the students turns to her]
LIBRARY STUDENT 1: Diana, what're you even doing here? Do you even still go here?
[she gets a shocked look on her face, as the student turns to the camera]
LIBRARY STUDENT 1: And do you have the proper ethics permission to film us?
STEPHANIE: Aw crikey, we've been found out! He's trying to use his librarian mumbo jumbo to say that I'm not allowed to film here! Y'know what that means? Let's find librarians who have long since lost the will and determination to care about ethics violations ... To Rutherford Library!
[she takes a candy bar out of her pocket and hands it to the student]
STEPHANIE: Here ya go, little fellah!
[she runs off camera, as the other student (waking up at the noise) throws his water bottle at her]
LIBRARY STUDENT 2: Get out! Come on, we're working and sleeping here! Get out!
[the other student picks up the candy bar and speaks directly to the camera]
LIBRARY STUDENT 1: Well, this is a pleasant distraction ...
[cut to Stephanie standing outside the Rutherford Library]
STEPHANIE: Here we are at Rutherford Library North. This is the home to the Humanities and Social Sciences collection. Now, it's a really interesting habitat here, because you'll see they have what's called an "integrated desk" ... which actually means that librarians have lost their identities! They've been forced to do both circulation and reference. So, why don't we go ahead and see if we can find a specimen right now? Come on.
[she walks inside, then cut to Stephanie hiding behind a pillar]
STEPHANIE: Looks like we've got a specimen right over here. Now, let's see if we can call to her using her native mating call ...
[she slowly creeps towards the front desk, then puts her finger to her lips]
STEPHANIE: Shh ... That's good.
[she gets a little closer and shushes her again (as the young female librarian on duty just stares blankly at her)]
STEPHANIE: Shh ...
[she inches a little closer to the desk]
LIBRARIAN 1: What're you doing here? You don't even go to school here anymore.
STEPHANIE: Hi, how ya doin'?
[she turns to the camera]
STEPHANIE: Now normally, I wouldn't recommend this, but let's see if we can try and feed her.
[she slowly takes out a candy bar and extends her hand to the librarian]
STEPHANIE: Go ahead ...
[the librarian looks around (to make sure no one's watching) then quickly snatches the candy bar out of Stephanie's hand]
STEPHANIE: That's right, girl!
LIBRARIAN 1: Look, if you don't have a question, you have to leave.
[another female librarian walks into the scene and sees Stephanie]
LIBRARIAN 2: Diana, what are you doing here? You don't even go here anymore!
STEPHANIE: Whoa whoa whoa, easy there, girl! Easy!
LIBRARIAN 2: "Big girl?" Excuse me? What the--
[she turns to the camera]
STEPHANIE: Oh, this one's quick to fight! Probably means that she's at least one-half, maybe a little bit more, American! Let's ask her in her native tongue ...
[she looks back at the librarian]
STEPHANIE: Is your degree ALA or CLA accredited?
LIBRARIAN 2: What does that even have to do with anything? Mine's accredited in both, I have no allegiance to either one or the other!
STEPHANIE: Ah, so we're right, she's a halfie!
LIBRARIAN 2: Oh ...
STEPHANIE: Which means she's torn between wanting to be polite and wanting to fight! She's highly unpredictable, which means that we should probably get outta here, before she gets upset.
LIBRARIAN 2: Hey, do you have permission to use footage in the library?
LIBRARIAN 1: Do you have permission to even film in the library?
[she stares blankly at the camera and drops the Australian accent]
STEPHANIE: Uh, let's edit that part out ...
[she runs out of the library, then cut to Stephanie running into an empty hallway]
STEPHANIE: Now, that was a close one in Rutherford Library, but we're moving onto a bigger target! We're no longer worried about professional librarians, baby librarians, we're going to the head honcho now! Come on.
[cut to Stephanie kneeling in front of the desk of an elderly female librarian]
STEPHANIE: Now, this is the leader of the pack, the director! She's the matriarch of this herd, and she makes sure that everything is running smoothly. She marks her territory in the library world with published papers and a book. We always wanna know where the alpha female is at all times, so we're gonna tag her!
[she holds up a piece of paper with "RFID" scribbled on it, then places it on the librarian's right arm with a piece of tape]
STEPHANIE: There ya go!
[the librarian (who had been typing at her computer and seemed oblivious to Stephanie's presence) talks to her without looking up from her keyboard]
LIBRARY DIRECTOR: Good to see you back and doing something productive, Diana ...
STEPHANIE: Oh, she's interacting with us! Let's reward her with a staple from her natural diet!
[she takes a bottle of Diet Coke and places it on her desk]
STEPHANIE: There ya go!
LIBRARY DIRECTOR: I don't know what that means, but thanks!
STEPHANIE: Now, we'll leave her be, but if we ever need to find her in the future, she's tagged!
[she gets up and walks out the door, then cut to Stephanie hiding behind a potted plant in the library and staring at a male librarian sitting at his desk]
STEPHANIE: Wow, look at this specimen! Now, this one is extremely rare! It's known as the male librarian! Or, depending on what taxonomy your controlled vocabulary is using, he'll also be known as a "guybrarian," or in Greek ... "falnus librartus!"
[she sticks her head through the branches and leans in closer]
STEPHANIE: Now, as you can see, this one is almost due for maturity ... almost up there! He's about five-eleven, and I'd say about three hundred, four hundred pounds! Mostly due to the fact that there's vending machines downstairs, and they have an extremely poor diet due to long hours!
[she points at the librarian's red-and-white checkered shirt]
STEPHANIE: Now, notice the bright colors on this one. It's obvious that he's trying to get himself a female librarian by having these bright colors that say, "Hey, look at me! I'm available!"
[she looks at the camera]
STEPHANIE: Now, I don't know if it'll really work for this one, but let's find out!
[cut to Stephanie lifting the potted plant and sneaking closer to the librarian's desk, then getting up behind him and tackling him to the ground]
LIBRARIAN: Oh, hey Di--
STEPHANIE: Alright, I've got 'im!
LIBRARIAN 3: Hey, whoa whoa whoa!
STEPHANIE: I got 'im!
LIBRARIAN 3: Hey! Hey!
[she gets on top of him and pins his arms to the ground]
LIBRARIAN 3: Okay ... Diana! Alright, I am at work!
STEPHANIE: Alright! Okay!
LIBRARIAN 3: What's going on?!
STEPHANIE: Careful, boy, careful!
LIBRARIAN 3: Ugh ...
STEPHANIE: Okay, so--
[she uses her knees to keep his arms down, then takes her free hand and opens his mouth]
LIBRARIAN 3: Hey!
STEPHANIE: If you look at his teeth, you can see he's probably almost near maturity ... About twenty six, twenty seven years old.
LIBRARIAN 3: Gah!
STEPHANIE: Stop! I'm not gonna hurt ya, not tryin' to hurt ya ...
LIBRARIAN 3: Okay, Diana, you attack me one more time--
STEPHANIE: I'm not, I'm not tryin' to hurt ya!
LIBRARIAN 3: We are through, we're breaking up! You hear me?
STEPHANIE: What a sensitive little bugger, oh my--
[he struggles to get up]
LIBRARIAN 3: Okay, come on! Come on!
STEPHANIE: Okay, okay, okay, I'm gonna let you up! I'm gonna let you up ... Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me.
[she slowly gets up, then runs off]
STEPHANIE: Okay, go!
LIBRARIAN 3: Bloody hell!
[cut to a female library page shelving books in the stacks, when Stephanie slowly sneaks up behind her]
ANNOUNCER: Well, that's all we've got for this week. Join us next time for "Librarian Hunter, Page Edition!"
[Stephanie grabs her from behind and puts her in a choke hold]
STEPHANIE: Yeah, yeah! I got her! I got her!
[the page pushes her off]
STEPHANIE: She's gettin' pissed off now!
LIBRARY PAGE: Enough! I quit! I'm done! Not again!
[she storms off camera]
STEPHANIE: Well, that was awkward ...
Note: The Rutherford librarians are wonderful, highly ethical people.
Note: The opinions about the integrated service desk expressed by the Librarian Hunter are not reflective of those held by all SLIS students or faculty.
Don't hate us Rutherford people, we *heart* you!
The Late Steve Irwin