Friday, August 3, 2012

Case Study No. 0480: Unnamed Female Librarian (Red Bar Radio Show)

A listener suggests that Mike calls a library that he is currently studying in, so that's what Mike does! This one didn't go as expected! (Mike likes to make "complaint" calls to see how people handle things!)
Tags: library red bar radio rbr
Added: 8 months ago
From: redbarradio
Views: 3,171

[Mike David is in studio, and a female librarian answers the phone]
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Douglas Library, circulation. Hello, who is this?
MIKE DAVID: Hi, I'm a library customer. I want, I have a few complaints here.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay.
MIKE DAVID: Uh, first of all, I checked out a book the other day, and I'm flippin' through it, and on page six, there's a giant swastika.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Oh my ...
MIKE DAVID: Somebody drew.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Oh my goodness.
MIKE DAVID: So, and I am a Jew, so I'm freakin' out. I think it's a death threat towards me and my family. And then I turn to the other page, guess what? There's a giant dick, shooting cum out, all over.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Oh my gosh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
MIKE DAVID: Yeah ... Y'know, with the cum shooting out of the dickhole?
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Oh my gosh ...
MIKE DAVID: So, I'm appalled. I'm trying to read my book, "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein ... Have you heard'a that?
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Yes, I've heard of that book.
MIKE DAVID: I love that book. Uh, I was reading it to my kids, actually. Sitting on their Jewish beds, and I'm flipping through the book, and they go "Daddy, what's this picture?"
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Oh my gosh.
MIKE DAVID: And I go, "Oh my god, it's a dick with cum," and then I had to show them my actual dick to show them what the kid was drawing in the book ... Now, my kids are frightened. They don't wanna come around me. My wife called DCFS saying that I'm a molester. So how are we gonna work this out, 'cause I gotta prove to them that I didn't draw these dicks. And the swastika. And the devil.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay, um, may I have your name and number, if that's okay with you?
MIKE DAVID: Yeah, my name is Jeremy Jewishstein.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Could you spell your last name for me, please?
MIKE DAVID: Yes. Uh, "J-E-W-I-S-H-S-T-E-I-N."
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] "S-H" ... Uh, "S-H-I-S-T-O-N."
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay, and may I have your phone number?
MIKE DAVID: Yes, it's area code "6-0-2."
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay.
MIKE DAVID: "4-0-2-0-0-1-4."
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] And you said the book is "Where the Sidewalk Ends" ...
MIKE DAVID: Yes, "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein. And then, if you go on the back, there's a picture of Shel Silverstein in there?
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay.
MIKE DAVID: And they drew black circles around his eyes, and there's a speech bubble that comes out that says "You're all gonna fuckin' die, and the library is gonna fuckin' kill all of you." And then it said "ni[beep]er."
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Oh my gosh.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Um ...
MIKE DAVID: And I had to read it.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Would you happen to know which library you checked it out from?
MIKE DAVID: I don't, y'know ... As a Jewish man, it's--
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Did it say on the label which library?
MIKE DAVID: I don't know. I burned the book, by the way, so you're not gonna be getting it back.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Right, understandably.
MIKE DAVID: Yeah. I had a big book burning. And I'm a very business, a very busy Jewish businessman, and I don't have time for this stuff. Y'know?
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Um, lemmee see. I just wanna bring up the record ...
MIKE DAVID: Oh, uh, Douglas Library is where I got it. Do you know Douglas Library?
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Yes, this is Douglas Library.
MIKE DAVID: Okay, yeah, that's where I got it from.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Um sir, we don't, I'm looking at the ... Uh, we don't have a book from Douglas Library by that title.
MIKE DAVID: Uh, I have actually a little thing to confess.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] You have what?
MIKE DAVID: I have something to confess.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Yes?
MIKE DAVID: The day I checked out the book, well, I didn't actually check it out. I had forgotten my library card at home, so I put the book under my shirt. And took it.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay.
MIKE DAVID: So, and I apologize for that.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Um, okay sir, but um ... We don't have a Douglas, Douglas Library does not own a copy of that book.
MIKE DAVID: Well, it was there. Maybe somebody left it behind. I also took a BB King cassette tape.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay, um, I'm gonna contact my supervisor--
MIKE DAVID: Yes, please ... Can you put him on the line with me?
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Uh, actually, I have to get off the line and then call him.
MIKE DAVID: No no no no no no, I need something to explain to my son here, 'cause he's traumatized. He saw my penis.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Um, well, I'm gonna need to get off the phone. I have your name and number, and uh--
MIKE DAVID: Miss, I ... As a Jewish man, I'm not able to get off the phone, because I'm only allowed to have one phone call a day.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay, um--
MIKE DAVID: Um, it's just part of our wacky religion. And I'm sure, you living in a library, you've read enough books about the Nazis to know how crazy some'a the stuff we do is.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Right. Your call may be disconnected, though, while you're kept on hold while I call my supervisor--
MIKE DAVID: Yeah, I really can't be disconnected.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] I'm just, I'm just warning you that the call, because I have to put you on hold--
MIKE DAVID: Can I tell you something about the Jewish religion? On Fridays, if we're disconnected, we don't make it into heaven when we die. So on Fridays, we have to stay on the phone. It's part of the Jewish thing, I can't explain it right now, but ... y'know, if you don't wanna respect that, you're as good as Hitler. So--
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] Okay, I-I need to get off the phone, sir.
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] I-I'm sorry, uh--
MIKE DAVID: Have I said something to offend you?
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] I-I'm sorry--
MIKE DAVID: Have I misspoke? Was I too bold?
[the librarian starts to break down]
LIBRARIAN: [over the phone] I-I'm sorry, I need to get off the phone.
[she hangs up]
MIKE DAVID: Oh my god. Jesus Christ!
[he starts laughing]
MIKE DAVID: Holy shit! Um ... What the fuck? Oh my god, I don't even know how to respond to that! I've never had somebody get off trembling.
[he imitates her voice quivering]
MIKE DAVID: "Oh my god, I need to get off the phone!"
[he laughs]
MIKE DAVID: Wow ... I think she, like, bottled up all that and didn't know what to do with it. She's hearing Hitler and dicks and all this. And that's a librarian, y'know, they're already nutso!
[he points to someone off camera]
MIKE DAVID: Wow. Now, the dude who gave me that number ... Uh, you're in that library! Can you, can you find that woman and see if she's crying? Can you see if there's any librarians who look like they're in trouble?
[cut to Mike speaking on the phone with the male library patron who gave him the library's number to call]
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] Yeah, I'm the guy who just sent you the library number!
MIKE DAVID: Oh my god, are you in that library right now?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] I-I walked past, I saw her!
MIKE DAVID: You did see her?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] She was definitely crying!
MIKE DAVID: No no no, you swear to god?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] Swear to god, she was talking to the supervisor.
MIKE DAVID: And she was crying?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] She was, like, wiping her eyes.
MIKE DAVID: So this isn't a big library, you'd know that that's the person who would answer the phone?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] Yeah.
MIKE DAVID: She was wiping her eyes, you swear to god?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] Swear to god, she was there wiping her eyes!
MIKE DAVID: Oh, well that's not good. I didn't wanna make her cry and ruin her day. Why was she crying, I didn't do anything that--
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] I dunno, you didn't do anything.
MIKE DAVID: So you're sitting in the library, listening to me do this?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] Yeah, I was right there. I could see her while you were talking to her.
[he laughs]
MIKE DAVID: Oh my god! Are you kidding me?
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] I'm serious!
MIKE DAVID: Oh, I don't know if that's, like, great radio or sad radio ...
LIBRARY PATRON: [over the phone] That was great radio ...



RED BAR RADIO (11-18-11)
Mike is tired, and in a bad mood! He is very sorry. Solo show today! Mostly Mike complaining about how the show "needs a guy!" However, a few good "complaint" calls are made that the listeners seemed to love! Mike calls UPS, a library, and a sun glass company. One woman cries, and another thinks she's fired!

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