Thursday, May 21, 2015

Case Study No. 1973: Herschel Fleischman and Staff of Unnamed Library

The Librarian
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[scene opens with a male janitor standing next to the book return slot outside of a public library, as a male librarian (frizzy black hair, glasses, grey sweater, blue undershirt, black pants) walks by carrying some books under his arm]
ANNOUNCER: Herschel Fleischman lived life by the book.
JANITOR: Hey Herschel, you're three hours early.
HERSCHEL: Well, you know how I feel about late fees.
[cut to the librarian running his finger across his spice rack (with each bottle clearly labelled), when he stops at turmeric]
ANNOUNCER: Where everything had its rightful place.
[cut to the librarian (his face red and drenched in sweat) adding the spice to a boiling pot on the stove]
ANNOUNCER: But some books were never meant to be ... checked out.
[cut to the librarian typing at his computer at work, when he stops and stares at something on the screen (taking his glasses off and then putting them back on to make sure what he's seeing is correct)]
[cut to several staff members of the library having a meeting]
LIBRARIAN 1: The bake sale on Thursday morning was a complete success, and the deal with Amazon is done.
[Herschel walks into the room carrying some papers]
HERSCHEL: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but the funds in the budget don't really add up. It's almost as if somebody has been cookin' the books ...
[everyone stares at him, then one of the staff members picks up his cell phone and (without dialing) starts talking]
LIBRARIAN 2: He knows.
[cut to a female librarian (brown hair in a bun, glasses, white blouse, pearl necklace) in her kitchen, speaking at the other end of the line]
LIBRARIAN 3: Fleischman? Take him off the shelf.
[she hangs up, then opens the stove and throws some chopped onions into a pot filled with books (including Darrell Huff's "How to Lie with Statistics" and Harold Kushner's "When Bad Things Happen to Good People")]
[cut to Herschel standing next to the return slot outside of the library (watching a male patron drop in a book before walking off), when another male librarian grabs him from behind]
LIBRARIAN 4: You're next!
[two other librarians appear and grab him, then cut to various shots edited together to make it look like he's being "stuffed" into the return slot]
[cut to a shot from Herschel's POV, as he "falls" down a long shaft (his screams echoing along the way), then cut to him landing in a pile of garbage bags]
[he gets up and tries to dust himself off, then cut to a closeup of another male librarian's mouth]
LIBRARIAN 5: Welcome to the depository ...
[cut back to Herschel with a confused look on his face]
HERSCHEL: What, the what?
[cut back to the closeup of the other librarian's mouth]
LIBRARIAN 5: You've been withdrawn ...
[cut back to Herschel, who looks over to see that the janitor is inside the "depository" with him]
JANITOR: Hey, Herschel!
[he nonchalantly sticks his hand out for a handshake (as if nothing out of the ordinary is going on)]
JANITOR: Put 'er there, brother!
HERSCHEL: How'd you get in here?
JANITOR: I'll explain on the way.
[cut to Herschel back in the library, as he sneaks up behind the male librarian on the cell phone (the one who ratted him out earlier) and snaps his neck ... then calmly putting a finger to his lips]
HERSCHEL: Shhh ...
[cut to Herschel back in the depository, using two stacks of books to do pushups]
ANNOUNCER: When his life was put on hold ...
[cut to Herschel sneaking through the library]
ANNOUNCER: And the stacks were stacked against him ...
[cut to Herschel back in the depository, as he trains on a punching dummy by hitting it with books]
ANNOUNCER: There was only one thing left to do ...
[cut to Herschel back in the library, holding a barcode scanner like a gun and pointing it at the camera]
ANNOUNCER: Throw the book at 'em!
[cut to Herschel holding a bookmark like a throwing star]
HERSCHEL: Don't lose your place!
[he "throws" it, then the camera quickly pans over to show his victim with the bookmark lodged into his forehead]
[cut to Herschel carrying a hammer, as he kicks open a door and points it at someone off camera]
HERSCHEL: I'm takin' you outta circulation!
[cut to the female librarian (now with her hair down and wearing a tight white dress) sitting in a chair and holding a martini glass]
LIBRARIAN 3: That's funny, I put you into circulation.
[she takes a sip, then cut to Herschel with a shocked look on his face]
[cut to the janitor entering the room from a door behind Herschel's mother]
JANITOR: Correction ... We put you into circulation.
[he bends down and kisses Herschel's mother, then cut to Herschel with another shocked look on his face]
[cut to footage from "2001: A Space Odyssey" showing the embryonic "starchild", then back to Herschel as he looks up to the heavens]
HERSCHEL: Starchild?
[cut to Herschel back in the depository, as he knits a sweater (?) while watching "No Holds Barred" on an old television (??)]
ANNOUNCER: The Librarian! This Labor Day, revenge is overdue!

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