Monday, May 18, 2015

Case Study No. 1963: Anthony Aycock

Anthony Aycock, the Librarian
4:25
My step-dad did a comedy routine at Goodnight's Comedy Club in Raligh.
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CHARLIE: This next student is the real deal. He's everything I'm about to tell you he is, and more. By day, he is a librarian. He's a real-ass librarian, and by night, he wants to be a comic now. So, please welcome my good buddy, Anthony Aycock! Come on!
[the audience applauds, as a young male librarian (short brown hair, glasses, suit and tie) walks up on stage]
ANTHONY: Thank you, thank you--
[he tries to adjust the microphone, and it slips (as the audience laughs)]
ANTHONY: Whoops ... I didn't think I had the same problem as him.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: So, as Charlie said, I'm a librarian ... so I'm probably the only comic you'll ever meet who would prefer you stay quiet.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: Just kidding. It's not a library, so you can laugh, cheer. Y'know, whatever you want ... but if you boo me, you'll have to pay a fine.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: Um, one thing about working at a library ... one thing that puzzles me is that people are surrounded by knowledge, yet they ask dumb questions.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: Uh, one woman approached me at the desk and said, "Excuse me, do you have restrooms here?" Well, I just looked at her and said, "No ma'am, we don't have restrooms here. We all hang our butts out the back window and pee in the parking lot."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: And in case you wanna do that, I gave her the book "One Thousand and One Ways to Urinate in Public."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: And uh, another guy came up to the desk and he said he needed a photograph of Jesus.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: I said, "Oh, you mean paintings of Jesus?" He said, he looked at me like I was the idiot and he said, "No, a photograph of Jesus."
[he pauses]
ANTHONY: I said, "Well, I'm sorry, we don't have photographs of Jesus, but you could check out Jesus' Instagram page."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: I'm sure there's a selfie of him at the Last Supper.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: You might also try hittin' his Twitter feed ... hashtag "Pearly Gates."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: Some people don't seem to have much respect for librarians. Years ago, I dated this, I went out with this one girl. When I told her what I do for a living, she said, "Well, y'know, librarians aren't needed anymore because everything is online."
[he pauses]
ANTHONY: So, later that night, we were in bed together ... she was right there on the edge, and I just got up and started getting dressed. She said, "Hey, where's my orgasm?" I said, "Google it."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: So y'know, some people confuse librarians with therapists. One guy approached me at the desk and he told me this whole story about how he had cheated on his wife, she was divorcing him, he wanted to reconcile with her. He said, "Do you have any books that could help me?"
[he pauses]
ANTHONY: I said, "Sure. Uh, let me recommend a few ... Harry Potter and the Lying Bastard."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: "Fifty Shades of Whoops!"
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: "How to Tell--"
[the microphone slips again]
ANTHONY: Whoops.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: Maybe that was the real problem ... Uh, I said, "Another book is How to Tell the Difference Between Someone Else's Pussy and Your Wife's."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: "The Illustration Guide."
[he pauses]
ANTHONY: Uh, the worst thing though, I think, is dealing with difficult people. Y'know, people who lose their temper when we don't have what they want. Or people who look at porn on the computers. Homeless people who take baths in the bathroom sinks.
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: Uh, once I was reshelving books and I came upon a prostitute who was servicing a client right there in the library ... I was appalled. I said, "You can't do that here!"
[he pauses]
ANTHONY: "This is the biography section, you need to be in health and human services."
[the audience laughs]
ANTHONY: Thank you very much.
[the audience applauds, as the emcee returns to the stage]
CHARLIE: Anthony Aycock! First time ever on stage, a real librarian! A real librarian! All these guys write all their own stuff, and they're awesome!

---

From libcal.com:

Since 2010, Anthony Aycock has managed the library of the North Carolina Justice Academy, a nationally accredited law enforcement training facility in eastern North Carolina. Before that, he was the head of access services at the Charlotte School of Law Library in Charlotte, North Carolina. He has also been a librarian in law firms, a corporate legal department, and at various public libraries.

Anthony has published essays and articles in the Missouri Review, Gettysburg Review, Creative Nonfiction, ONLINE, Library Journal, National Paralegal Reporter, and Community & Junior College Libraries, and holds a BA in English, an MLIS, and an MFA in creative writing. From 1992 to 2000, Anthony worked as a McDonald's restaurant manager. He has only two things to say about that career: 1) Big Mac sauce is not Thousand Island dressing; and 2) the next time you use a drive-through in the rain, please, please, please turn off your windshield wipers at the pay window.

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