Episode 2 of The Library
contains strong jedi fighting and mild LOTR references
Tags: the library library2 episode comedy star wars lord of rings lotr final frontier scifi
Added: 5 years ago
["Caution: This feature contains strong Jedi fighting and moderate LOTR references" appears on screen]
Written by Andrew Sykes
& James Nethercote
[scene opens with the male librarian sitting at the front desk, when he picks up the phone]
LIBRARIAN: Yeah yeah yeah? Yellow duck, yellow duck! Come in through the rendezvous point at twenty one fourteen, okay okay!
[he hangs up and picks up a cigarette, then cut to the librarian playing with some action figures when a male patron approaches]
LIBRARIAN: [in high pitched voice] Woo! Woo! Woo!
[he throws the figures behind him]
LIBRARIAN: [in gruff voice] No you don't!
[the patron slams his fist down on the desk]
AMERICAN MAN: Hey buddy, got any videos?
LIBRARIAN: Who's askin'?
AMERICAN MAN: I'm askin', that's who!
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] We ain't got none of your kind here ...
AMERICAN MAN: [growling] Hey, listen, I fought for this village in the war, man! And I want some godamn respect! You're gonna tell me where the videos are, or there's gonna be some godamn trouble around here! You understand me?
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] I have to put up with people like you day in, day out! And it makes me sick ...
AMERICAN MAN: [angrily] Hey man ... One day, okay man? One day, you better watch your ass, man!
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Yeah, yeah ...
AMERICAN MAN: You better watch your ass!
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Just look over there for your videos!
[the patron's disposition suddenly changes, and he smiles]
AMERICAN MAN: [cheerfully] Oh, thank you very much ...
[cut to another shot of the librarian, as another male patron approaches]
NEWSPAPER CHAP: Got a newspaper or something?
[instead of using his gravelly voice, the librarian makes what sounds like a bad Goofy impression]
LIBRARIAN: Yeah, hot off the press!
[he hands him a paper, and the patron walks over to a table, where he sits down and opens the paper to begin reading ... only some "special effects" cause flames to shoot out of the pages]
[cut to another shot of the librarian, as the patron walks up to him again]
NEWSPAPER CHAP: You got any color paper?
LIBRARIAN: No, uh ... White. White only. White only.
[he holds up a box which reads "Office paper, white only"]
NEWSPAPER CHAP: What're ya tryin' to say?!
LIBRARIAN: White only ... The paper's white only. No colored paper here--
NEWSPAPER CHAP: You're racist!
[he turns and leaves in disgust]
LIBRARIAN: No, not racist ...
NEWSPAPER CHAP: Everybody, he's racist!
LIBRARIAN: White only ... White only.
NEWSPAPER CHAP: I won't hear none of it, alright?!
LIBRARIAN: White only!
NEWSPAPER CHAP: Don't wanna hear it!
[cut to the first patron walking up to the librarian, holding a VHS tape]
AMERICAN MAN: Hey, why are your videos named after "Lord of the Rings" characters?
LIBRARIAN: I don't believe you! You're a liar!
AMERICAN MAN: Why is this one named "Saruman"?
[the librarian grabs the video and strokes it lovingly while doing a Gollem impression]
LIBRARIAN: Ah, precious video! Oh, can't let the master takes the video!
AMERICAN MAN: Listen, if you've got "Camp Back", the best of "Camp Down" ...
AMERICAN MAN: What? That ... that doesn't even make any sense!
LIBRARIAN: Rrrr ...
AMERICAN MAN: Listen, man! I'm gonna go, you just ... You're crazy, man!
LIBRARIAN: We can't upset--
[the patron turns and leaves]
AMERICAN MAN: You're crazy, man!
LIBRARIAN: We can't upset the master!
AMERICAN MAN: One day ...
[the librarian continues to stroke the video]
LIBRARIAN: Oh, he didn't touch you, did he? No!
[cut to another shot of the librarian talking on the phone]
LIBRARIAN: Diane? Laura Palmer's dead! It wasn't Bobby! I know, I know ...
[he hangs up and takes another drag off his cigarette, when another male patron approaches the desk carrying a book]
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Book return?
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Yes.
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Did you enjoy the book?
[the camera zooms in to reveal that he's returning a book of "The English Illustrated Dictionary"]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: I didn't feel the narrative was as strong as it could've been.
LIBRARIAN: [growls] Why not?
OBI WAN BON JOVI: It's just a book of words.
[cut to a closeup of the librarian's face]
LIBRARIAN: [growls] So, we meet again ...
[cut to a shot of the previous patron (only now he's apparently playing a different character)]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: When I left here, I was but a school pupil. Now I am the driver of the mobile library ...
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] You owe this library 62p ...
OBI WAN BON JOVI: I don't owe you anything!
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Well, let's see what the Council has to say about this--
[he moves to pick up the phone]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: No!
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Yes ...
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Don't bring them into it, they're too pure ... Let's sort this out, librarian to librarian.
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] As you wish ...
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Fuckin' A!
[they both draw lightsabers, as the librarian awkwardly jumps over his desk]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Your lack of agility amuses me!
LIBRARIAN: Your return policy amuses me ...
OBI WAN BON JOVI: I very much dislike you ...
LIBRARIAN: I very much dislike your face!
OBI WAN BON JOVI: That's hurtful ...
[the mobile librarian uses Force Push to send his opponent hurtling backwards, but when he moves in for the kill the librarian ends up stabbing him in the back]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Uhhh!
[he falls to the ground]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Don't you see, your damn fool? It's all useless! Useless!
[cut to the librarian sitting at his desk (eyes closed and weakly swinging his arms around, as it's revealed that the previous sequence was just a dream), when the patron approaches]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Dammit, man!
[he shakes him awake]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: You've been at that for ten minutes! What've you been up to? There's family to see ...
LIBRARIAN: Family? Your family's dead, godamn you!
[the patron looks down and pounds his fist on the desk]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Damn dirty apes!
LIBRARIAN: [pause] Oh, by the way, you owe the library. You have a library overdue fine.
OBI WAN BON JOVI: How much?
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] 62p ...
[the patron begins to cry]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Little Jeanie's dead ...
[he takes some money and gives it to the librarian]
OBI WAN BON JOVI: 62p ... Have your money, Judas!
LIBRARIAN: How'd you know my name?!
OBI WAN BON JOVI: Oh, we've been friends for years!
LIBRARIAN: Oh yeah ... Well, bye.
OBI WAN BON JOVI: So, I'll see you Sunday? At the ... thing?
[the librarian growls, as the patron quickly leaves]
LIBRARIAN: [whispers] Yeah, Sunday ...
Obi Wan Bon Jovi
Special Effects, Editing, Sound
Directed & Produced
Visual effects created with software from FXhome.com