Dan, the Librarian at Rt 20 Funnies 3/25/10 Part 1
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Tags: Dan The Librarian Part 1
Added: 1 year ago
From: jczernich
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DAN: I actually used to be a librarian in Springfield, which was great, y'know, because people are like "Librarian, how dangerous can it be? Really though, in Springfield, like waddaya got? A papercut or dust kicking up your allergies?"
[audience laughs]
DAN: But my childrens' room was actually shot at twice ... Yeah, so we had to instill this guncheck policy. We didn't take the guns away from anyone, we just made sure they had silencers on 'em.
[audience laughs]
DAN: Didn't wanna interrupt anyone's studies, y'know. So ...
[audience laughs]
DAN: Yeah, and I mean, it's getting freaky. I actually say I work with Coke White and the Library Seven Dwarves. I don't know if you know the Library Seven Dwarves? Homeless, Sleazy, Sleepy, Druggy, Drunky, Creepy, and Perv ...
[audience laughs]
[...]
DAN: So, I know what you're probably thinking, too. "Damn, you're a librarian by day, comedian by night. You must get all the women!"
[audience laughs]
DAN: Yeah. Uh, let me just dispel that myth for you right now. I go out to a bar and I just, I mean, I have no skills. What kinda pickup line is a childrens' librarian gonna have? What am I, gonna go up to a girl and be like "Hey, wanna see my Harry Potter?"
[audience laughs]
DAN: "Come on, it doesn't have any Hogwarts, y'know" ...
[audience laughs]
[...]
DAN: I was just working the other day, and this lady, she brought in these two books. Unless you get 'em at the same time, you don't realize their subtle undertones, so I brought them with me just to show you guys ...
[he picks up two childrens' books]
DAN: The first one is "I See Myself." Harmless little book, right? But you add the second title, it sorta changes ... "I See Myself." "I Get Wet."
[audience laughs]
DAN: Now, I don't know if you guys find that as freaky as I did ... but I felt the best way to spend some taxpayer money would be just to look for more of these. And this same author's not so subtle on some of her other books ...
[he picks up another childrens' book]
DAN: She has ones like "Gobs of Goo." It's a love story about a boy, his Jergens, and a tissue.
[audience laughs]
DAN: Yeah ...
[he picks up another childrens' book]
DAN: My wife's always telling me to "Eat the Right Stuff" ... and I don't think she was talking about a salad, y'know. Well, that one goes over bigger in Northampton, I dunno.
[audience laughs]
DAN: This one's good. Do you guys have kids? Anyone out here have kids?
[some audience members clap]
DAN: Yeah? This one's good if you have to teach 'em about birth control.
[he picks up another childrens' book]
DAN: "Why You Can't Unscramble an Egg."
[audience laughs]
DAN: After a long night of drinking, I always wake up in the morning and ask myself the same question ...
[he picks up another childrens' book]
DAN: Hmm. "Solid, Liquid or Gas"?
[audience laughs]
[he picks up two childrens' books]
DAN: "Bangs and Twangs"? And usually after all banging and twanging, there's some "Squirts and Spurts."
[audience laughs]
[he picks up another childrens' book]
DAN: "Inspector Bodyguard Patrols the Land of U" ...
[audience laughs]
[heckler yells out "I need that book!"]
DAN: [laughs] You need that book? Don't worry, the pages don't open ...
[audience laughs]
DAN: One more, and my personal favorite here, folks ...
[he picks up another childrens' book]
DAN: "More Balls Than Hands"!
[audience laughs]
DAN: Yeah, that's a paraplegic circle-jerk ...
[audience laughs]
DAN: But I'm gonna get going, we're gonna give the show back to Ian, because I don't know about you ...
[he picks up another childrens' book]
DAN: I've gotta go to the bathroom and check myself for some "Lumps, Bumps, and Rashes." Have a good night, everybody!
[audience applauds]
---
From danthelibrarian.com:
My name is Dan Paquette. I am not only a librarian, but I am also a comedian. This is something that I believe is a very rare mix...
I do have a masters degree in Library and Information Science, which usually shocks people for two reasons. One, the fact that I have a masters, and two, that you can get a masters in Library and Information Science. Its true. Get used to the power of your librarian (and start paying them more too)!
Biography
Dan Paquette is the youngest of four children, and has always tried to "upstage" his brothers and sister. When his sister graduated from an all womens college, he found a way to attend two at one time. Dan just had to become a librarian to do it.
Truthfully, Dan realized during his undergrad years in an accounting program that he did not want to work in a cubical for the rest of his life. So he entered the Library and Information Science program at Simmons College offered through Mount Holyoke. Standing out as a male in the profession, it was time to start standing up and making jokes about his surroundings. His unique subject has forced him to lay to rest rumors that librarian/comedians must be rich.
Dan has worked all over Massachusetts, New York and New England, at clubs like the Comedy Studio, the Comedy Connection and the Comic Strip Live. Dan's scariest performance to date was for the Academy at Swift River in Cummington, MA, a boarding school for boarding school rejects.
---
From davidrothman.net:
Dan the Librarian talking about being a librarian at Piccolo's in Westfield, MA.
I'm a big fan of George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Eddie Izzard, and Patton Oswalt - so suffice it to say that Dan's work isn't really my taste. Still, it is interesting to see a stand-up whose schtick is the fact that he has an MLIS.
"I am a librarian, just to get that out of the way. I used to work in the 19th most dangerous city in the country ... and I had to leave because it was getting pretty dangerous, my library was literally shot at twice ... So we had to instill this guncheck policy at my library. We didn't take the guns away from anyone, we just made sure they had silencers on them. We didn't wanna interrupt anyone's studies."
"I'm a childrens' librarian, you can remember that for the rest of the night ... and we just got a new mascot for our childrens' room, and so we decided to have a naming contest for our mascot, and some of the entries we got were a little off the wall ... My favorite was this one little boy wanted to name our mascot after rapper Fifty Cent. That's great, if you don't know, rapper Fifty Cent has been shot nine times. Yeah great, our mascot can get shot, but it's okay because he can write a bestseller 'Read Books or Die Trying'."
"People are always asking me why I got into comedy, that's 'cause I can drink at this job ... I certainly can't do it at the dayjob. Actually, it was my friend's birthday a couple weeks ago, and I figured I'd take him out on our lunch break and we decided to have a beer or something like that. And I went back to work and this little kid came up to me and said 'Mommy, why does he smell like Daddy before he hits me?' It's okay, I read him the book 'The Drunken Sailor' and it turned out okay ... "
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