Thursday, October 20, 2011

Case Study No. 0011: Miss Hushbaum

The Noisy Library 2
Tags: wwemvp2
Added: 2 years ago
From: wwemvp2
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[Miss Hushbaum is noisily stamping books at the front desk, while two students are quietly talking]
FEMALE STUDENT: Did you study for the math test?
MISS HUSHBAUM: [loudly] Shhh!!! Do you see that sign?! [points to a sign above the front desk that says "No Talking!"]
FEMALE STUDENT: I was just whispering--
MISS HUSHBAUM: No talking! This is a li-bary, it must be quiet! People are trying to study!
[another student walks into the library, and her earrings are making a slight clinking sound]
FEMALE STUDENT 2: I'm sorry, it's just my earrings--
MISS HUSHBAUM: [blows a whistle] Silence! This is a li-bary!
[the student takes off her earrings and walks away]
MISS HUSHBAUM: [starts loudly cracking her knuckles and her neck]
[the patrons are visibly disgusted, so Miss Hushbaum takes out her airhorn and blows it to quiet them down]
MISS HUSHBAUM: Shhh, quiet! This is a li-bary! [she takes out a bag of potato chips and starts loudly chewing them]
[the phone rings so she answers it]
MISS HUSHBAUM: [quietly] Li-bary ... [starts yelling] Oh, Carol! How ya doin'?! No, you're not disturbin' me one bit! How's Harold?! He got a job at Yakima Farms?! Great! Hey, cheese packs for Christmas this year! Ha ha ha! [loudly slaps the desk] Really?! Well, y'know, my electrolysist heard from Barbara that Mary got a new pair of waffle pants at Target-Mart! Now, they had a sale on pork rinds and waffle pants! I couldn't believe it! It was--
[a student quietly coughs]
MISS HUSHBAUM: Hey! Shh! Quit coughin' in the li-bary! [goes back to the phone] So, what were you sayin'?! It glows in the dark?! Oh, that could cause a skin rash! [starts laughing and slapping the desk again]
[the student starts coughing into his book to try and stifle the noise]
MISS HUSHBAUM: Hold on, honey! [she walks up to the student, picks him up, and points to the door]
MALE STUDENT: Please, I didn't mean to cough! I've got an pneumonia!
MISS HUSHBAUM: This isn't a hospital, little man! It's a li-bary! [blows her whistle] Now, out!
MALE STUDENT: Please, but it's cold out here--
MISS HUSHBAUM: [she pushes him out the door]
MALE STUDENT: Please, it's an pneumonia!
MISS HUSHBAUM: [she closes the door behind him, then points her whistle at the other patrons] Ahh, shh!
[she goes back to the desk and picks up the phone]
MISS HUSHBAUM: So, anyway! I'm doing laundry the other day, and who comes over but Sally Hopesure! I know, can you believe it?!
[she pulls out a blender and turns it on]
MISS HUSHBAUM: She's got some nerve comin' over to my house all sweaty! Oh, you say you hafta go?! Well, then just call me back here later at the li-bary! Alright, bye bye!
[she hangs up the phone and starts loudly sipping her blended drink with a straw]
MISS HUSHBAUM: Ahhh ... [she goes over and pulls a sheet off of a drum set and starts loudly playing]
MALE STUDENT 2: Hey hey hey hey! Hey, could you calm that down?
MISS HUSHBAUM: [gets up and blows her airhorn, then starts yelling into a bullhorn] Young man, this is a li-bary! Do you see that "Stifle" sign?!
MALE STUDENT 2: Yeah but, but you--
MISS HUSHBAUM: [blows her airhorn again] Out!
[the student picks up his book and leaves]
MALE STUDENT 2: Hypocrite ...
MISS HUSHBAUM: [blows her airhorn]
FEMALE STUDENT: Can you believe her? I mean, with the drumming and blender? What librarian makes all that noise in the library?
MISS HUSHBAUM: [she starts jackhammering a section of the library while simultaneously blowing her whistle]
[all of the patrons exit the library]



"All That" (Nickelodeon) Sketches: Miss Hushbaum

A sketch starring Lori Beth Denberg. Miss Hushbaum was a librarian who was very loud. She commonly honked her air horn and blew her whistle while students are studying. She always engaged in noisy activities such as:

* bowling
* fighting a bull
* hosting a New Year's Eve party
* herding sheep
* talking loudly on the phone
* chomping on chips
* bouncing on a pogo stick
* using a jackhammer
* working a "Test Your Strength" game
* riding a motorcycle
* frying bacon
* sharpening pencils
* playing a pinball game
* playing an organ
* using a leaf blower
* practicing karate
* shaving
* lifting weights
* dancing to the Macarena
* engaging in a rock guitar battle

Ironically, when someone else in the library made the tiniest sound, including asking her to stop what she was doing, she would scream things like, "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! CAN'T YOU READ?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO STUDY! HOW CAN YOU BE SO RUDE?! HUSH! IF YOU CAN'T BE SILENT, THEN I WILL BE VIOLENT!" A trademark of the sketch was her air horn, and the signs she had placed around the library that read, "Quiet", "No Talking", "Stifle", "Hush", "Silence", and "Shhh".

Appearances: Seasons 2-4

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