Parks and Recreation - Deleted Scene - Ron & Tammy
Parks and Recreation - Deleted Scene - Ron & Tammy
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Tags: megan mullally nick offerman parks and recreation ron and tammy karen walker will and grace party down starz ron swanson Leslie Knope Amy Poehler
Added: 1 year ago
[Leslie walks into Ron's office]
LESLIE: Hey, you wanna hear some amazing news? Your ex-wife Tammy works at the library, and they're trying to steal Lot 48 from us.
RON: Ohhh ...
LESLIE: She's that bad?
RON: Oh, it's like Hannibal Lector had sex with a car alarm, and their offspring made a baby with the ghost of Saddam Hussein.
LESLIE: What you're saying is that you two don't get along ...
RON: Not so much.
[cut to Leslie and Tammy walking down the hallway]
LESLIE: I don't wanna tell tales out of school, Tammy, but Ron was so wrong about you!
TAMMY: Oh, I'm sure he had some unkind words to say about me.
LESLIE: Well ...
[back to Ron's office]
RON: Tammy is the manipulative bitch by which all other manipulative bitches should be judged! A genetically mutated demon from hell, who was sent to Earth to castrate noble men! Tammy doesn't just destroy happiness where she finds it, she actively seeks it out and demolishes it! If happiness were truffles, Tammy would be a gigantic repulsive hog. Tammy's vagina is like if you took the tractor beam from the Death Star and inserted it where Jabba the Hutt's poo-hole is.
[back to Leslie and Tammy]
LESLIE: There's some anger there.
TAMMY: Y'know what? It's okay. I did some things that I really regret when I was married to Ron.
LESLIE: He said you seduced his father?
TAMMY: That was a misunderstanding. Ron's dad was hard of hearing, and I made a joke, and ... it was only one time and then we called it off, but y'know what? No. No excuses. It's just sad because I'm such a happier person now, and I just wish that Ron and I could have some closure.
LESLIE: Like when you slammed that door on Ron's face?
TAMMY: Not a horrible closure. Oh my gosh, is he okay?
LESLIE: Well, he still can't smell.
TAMMY: Oh ...
LESLIE: And he screams everytime he sneezes.
TAMMY: Oh my god, see? That's my fault.
LESLIE: Yeah ...
TAMMY: Listen, the important thing is that was the old Tammy. The new Tammy just wants Ron to be happy.
Tammy Swanson (played by Megan Mullally) made her first "Parks and Recreation" appearance during Season 2, Episode 7 ("Ron and Tammy").
She is one of two characters with the name Tammy Swanson, both of whom were formerly married to Ron Swanson. She is the Deputy Director of Library Services in Pawnee, Indiana. She and Ron briefly dated after the divorce but it ended shortly. However, Ron still has sexual feelings for her and Tammy is not afraid to use this to her advantage. Megan Mullally is Nick Offerman's wife in real-life. The other Tammy Swanson is just mentioned but never seen, and Ron has negative feelings towards her. She has the same name as her former mother-in-law, Ron's mother, Tammy Swanson.
[Mark enters the office to deliver some bad news to Leslie about her plans to build a park on Lot 48]
MARK: I don't wanna freak you out, but another department filed a planning claim for Lot 48 ...
LESLIE: ... Who?
LESLIE: No ...
LESLIE: Dammit! The library?
[cut Leslie addressing the camera directly, as shots of the exterior of the Pawnee Library building are shown]
LESLIE: Pawnee's library department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen! They're like a biker gang ... but instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political saavy and shushing!
[back to the office, where Mark has pulled Leslie aside to calm her down]
MARK: It's gonna be okay, it's not a done deal.
LESLIE: Yeah, you're right. Thanks for pulling me out of there. I need a good plan, though. I don't wanna cause a panic ...
[cut to Leslie addressing the rest of her staff]
LESLIE: Newsflash, we're screwed! We've got a big problem with the library!
TOM: Punk-ass book jockeys!
ANN: Wait, why do we hate the library?
LESLIE: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history! They're mean, conniving, rude, and extremely well-read which makes them very dangerous ... and they're trying to steal Lot 48 for a new branch!
LESLIE: Yeah, yeah!
JERRY: On 48?
[cut to Ann addressing the camera directly]
ANN: I actually think a library would be nice that close to my house ... [looks behind her as group is now talking about burning down the library] ... but I'm not about to say that in there.
[back to the group]
TOM: A new branch?
ANN: [forced anger] Aw, I hate them ...
LESLIE: Okay, we need to make contact with someone there. Does anyone know anybody that works at the library?
MARK: Uh, well, we actually kind of do. The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.
LESLIE: Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean, he hates her, but he knows her. Everything's okay ... or is it just the same?
TOM: Leslie, you're thinking out loud again.
LESLIE: Am I? I am ...
[cut to Ron's office]
RON: Of course, that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library. Now, that is perfect. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world!
LESLIE: I have to go talk to her, and you gotta give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?
LESLIE: What do you mean, no? Everybody has a weakness.
RON: Not machines ... I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
[Leslie is addressing the camera directly]
LESLIE: I'm just looking forward to a thoughtful debate with Tammy about the relative merits of parks versus libraries ... and in case something bad goes down, I wore my sharpest rings.
[cut to inside of Tammy's office in the library]
LESLIE: Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.
TAMMY: You have a lotta nerve showing your face here.
LESLIE: Excuse me?
TAMMY: You have overdue book fees totalling three dollars, Missie ...
LESLIE: That is so typical, I should've known you'd use a low-blow dirty-pool BS move like that! That's why everybody hates the library! Here, y'know what, here's your three dollars [takes change out of her pocket and throws it on the desk] ... and I'll see you in hell!
[Leslie starts to leave but Tammy calls her back]
TAMMY: Leslie Leslie Leslie, I'm just kidding! My gosh! I mean, you did have three dollars worth of fines, but I cleared them. We government gals have to watch each other's backs, right?
LESLIE: I know this is a trap, but I don't know how ...
TAMMY: Okay, did you talk to Ron? Um, Ron tends to exaggerate when it comes to me. I swear I don't have cloven feet [laughs]. Please, sit down.
[Leslie confronts Tammy after she had sex with Ron in order to secure the rights to Lot 48]
LESLIE: Tammy, can I speak with you for a second? I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron, you're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library!
TAMMY: Leslie, that's crazy ... and correct.
LESLIE: Why are you doing this?
TAMMY: Les, there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt ... [whispers] I'd rather be Cleopatra.
[cut to Leslie addressing the camera directly]
LESLIE: What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?!?
[back to Leslie and Tammy in front of the elevator]
TAMMY: Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the library department, you should come join us sometime ... [gets on elevator]
LESLIE: I would never work at the library department! I'm gonna tell Ron what you just said, and this little game that you're playing is going to be over!
TAMMY: Okey doke ... [door closes]
LESLIE: Yeah, you'd better run! We're no longer government gals ...
[cut to Ron's office]
LESLIE: Look, we need to talk ... [sees him holding a piece of paper] Ron, no! [takes document out of his hand] "The Planning Department Reprioritization Document"?
RON: Calm down, I haven't signed it yet.
LESLIE: Yeah, well, you're going to, because Tammy wants you to and you do everything that she wants.
RON: She made some really good points about libraries ...
LESLIE: Are you even listening to yourself? You're defending the library now? Ron, the library! Of all the horrifying miserable things in the world ...
RON: Some people like libraries ...
LESLIE: [laughs] I can't even believe what I'm hearing! "Some people like libraries" ... Ron, she's in your head! You said that she was a manipulative monster and you were right.
RON: No no, Tammy's changed ...
LESLIE: Look me in the eye and tell me she's changed ... Look me in the eye!
RON: [he starts to crack] ... I'm so screwed, Knope! Her hooks are in my brain!
RON: She has all the power, and I have nothing. I'm so little ... [starts crying]
[Leslie, waiting outside the library for Ron's decision, changes the sign outside to read "LIEBRARY SERVICRS"]
RON: [runs out of the building out of breath]
LESLIE: You didn't give her the lot!
RON: Let's get out of here ...
LESLIE: Is part of your moustache missing?
RON: Yes, just keep walking.
LESLIE: There's a pushpin in your face!
RON: Leave it in ... Can't you walk faster?
LESLIE: My legs are shorter than yours!
[Ron and Leslie are celebrating their victory]
LESLIE: Thank you for saving my future park. I know that must've been hard for you ... You didn't kill Tammy, did you?
RON: I'm afraid she can't be killed ... Tammy is a mean person.
LESLIE: Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.
RON: She's a grade-A bitch.
LESLIE: There we go.
RON: Everytime she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?
LESLIE: She works for the library.
RON: She works for the library ...