Library detective Mr. Bookman Seinfeld
Hilarious Mr. Bookman from Seinfeld, this is my favorite Seinfeld scene ever!! http://urlsnippy.com/ Sein77jfsc
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Added: 3 years ago
"Seinfeld" (Season 3, Episode 5): The Library
Jerry is investigated by the library for a book he checked out in 1971 and never returned. Elaine fears for her career when her boss hates her recommendations, and Kramer strikes up a relationship with the librarian. Meanwhile, George believes that a homeless man is his old gym teacher, whom he got fired.
Seinfeld: "The Library"
Episode 22 - Oct. 16, 1991
Philip Baker Hall [ Lt. Bookman ]
Ashley Gardener [ Marion the librarian ]
Neal Lerner [ The "Shusher" ]
Writer: Larry Charles
Director: Joshua White
JERRY: [on the phone] Let me speak with the head librarian ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station?
JERRY: Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye.
KRAMER: What's the problem?
JERRY: This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it.
KRAMER: Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000!
JERRY: It doesn't work like that.
KRAMER: If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000!
JERRY: It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In noticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ...
[flashback to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress]
JERRY: That orange dress is burned in my memory!
KRAMER: Oh, memory burn.
JERRY: I wonder what ever happened to her.
KRAMER: How did they ever find you?
JERRY: Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous.
JERRY: It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library!
KRAMER: You know I never got a library card.
JERRY: [into speaker] Coming down.
KRAMER: It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks, trying to save a quarter, ooh!
JERRY: I gotta go to the library. You want to go?
KRAMER: ... Yeah!
KRAMER: The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.
JERRY: Where's George?
READER: [looks up from his newspaper] Shhh!
KRAMER: [whispers to Jerry] Tryin' to save a quarter.
JERRY: I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them for my house.
TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER
JERRY: [looking at librarian with her back turned] This woman's completely ignoring me.
KRAMER: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship ... Spinster ... Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy. It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
JERRY: Eventually a little shot of penicillin
LIBRARIAN: [turning towards them] Yes?
JERRY: Yes, I called before. I got his notice in the mail.
LIBRARIAN: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller ... [gets wistful look in her eyes, then catches herself] Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
KRAMER: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman?
LIBRARIAN: It's true.
KRAMER: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named Cone!
LIBRARIAN: Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.
JERRY: Can I speak with this Bookman?
LIBRARIAN: Just a second.
LIBRARIAN: Mr. Bookman's not here.
JERRY: Not here? Why was I told to come down here?
LIBRARIAN: He'll be out all afternoon on a case.
KRAMER: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?
JERRY: Well, what am I supposed to do now?
LIBRARIAN: I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.
JERRY: All right. Thanks ... [to Kramer and George] Come on, lets go.
GEORGE: Let's see if it's Hayman!
KRAMER: Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later ... [turns to librarian] So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card?
JERRY: What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in, you can take out any book you want, they just give it to you and say "Bring it back when you're done." It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is: a government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. Oooh, what are you gonna do? Charge me a nickel?
JERRY: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
BOOKMAN: You got any coffee?
BOOKMAN: Yeah. Coffee.
JERRY: No, I don't drink coffee.
BOOKMAN: Yeah? You don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
JERRY: No, I don't have--
BOOKMAN: You don't have any instant coffee?
JERRY: Well, I don't normally--
BOOKMAN: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
JERRY: I don't.
BOOKMAN: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.
JERRY: Really? I'll have to remember that.
BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971.
JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
JERRY: I try.
BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
JERRY: No, I don't.
BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once. I remembered your name, from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
JERRY: Certainly not.
BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot!
JERRY: [starts to smirk]
BOOKMAN: Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before ... Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention.
JERRY: [looks down at his normal attire in shock]
BOOKMAN: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped!
JERRY: [still shocked]
BOOKMAN: Or maybe, that turns you on, Seinfeld ... Maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy! Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld.
[Bookman opens the door, revealing Marion standing at Kramer's door]
BOOKMAN: That is one week!
[Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back as he opens Jerry's door to leave]
KRAMER: What's wrong?
MARION: It's Bookman, the library cop!
KRAMER: So? I didn't do anything wrong.
MARION: I'm supposed to be at work. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here.
KRAMER: Why don't ya' leave?
MARION: [looks into Kramer's eyes] ... I can't.
KRAMER: Read another poem.
MARION: [looks in her notebook] Pressed chest fleshed out west / Might be the saviour or a garden pest.
KRAMER: Wow, that is great. You should be published.
KRAMER: You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed.
MARIAN: Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo ... HELLO!
BOOKMAN [emerging]: Hello!
MARIAN [turning, surprised]: Mr. Bookman!
BOOKMAN: I remember when the librarian was a much older woman ... Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't WANT to know anything about her private life! She didn't HAVE a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?
[Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER and hands it to Bookman]
JERRY: Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.
BOOKMAN: Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?
JERRY: What is your problem?
BOOKMAN: What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle!