Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Case Study No. 0295: Daphne and the Library Police

Mad Movies With The L.A. Connection - Sherlock Holmes And The Secret Weapon Part 1 of 2
According to the Internet Movie Database the plotline for this movie is "Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson must protect a Swiss inventor of an advanced bomb sight from falling into German hands." Instead The L.A. Connection version has a Librarian hire Sherlock Holmes to track down people that don't return their books to the Library. Starring the greatest Holmes & Watson - Basil Rathbone & Nigel Bruce. 1943's Sherlock Holmes And The Secret Weapon. Part 1 of 2
Tags: 80's
Added: 1 year ago
From: Generaledger
Views: 1,342

[prior to the start of the movie, host Kent Skov is shown walking through a public library and speaking directly to the camera]
KENT: [whispering] Hi, I'm Kent Skov, and welcome to "Mad Movies with the LA Connection." I'm here at the library looking through several Sherlock Holmes books ...
[he pulls some books off the shelves and blows dust off of them]
KENT: Let's see. Uh, "Hound of the Baskervilles" ... "The Last Adventure of Sherlock Holmes" ... "Sherlock Holmes Meets Larry Holmes" ... And uh, ah! Our movie tonight, "Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon." But as always, we changed the original plot to our own, so we won't need these.
[he rips the pages out of the book]
KENT: Our is about the Library Police. Y'see, people are keeping books past their due date, and the Library Police are called in to restore justice. So in our mad movie, the library can be a pretty scary place ...
[someone gives a loud "Shh!" off-camera]
KENT: Here's the movie ...

The dialogue you are about to hear was written and directed by The L.A. Connection. The original dialogue has not been retained.

[scene opens with a man and woman in an apartment building]
SHERLOCK: So Daphne, you say books aren't being returned to the library, and you want me to find them.
DAPHNE: Yes Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: Because I'm a better detective than Magnum PI? And cheaper than wine?


[Daphne answers the phone, then quickly hangs up]
SHERLOCK: That was the phone, wasn't it?
DAPHNE: Yes, that was my assistant librarian. "The Joy of Sex" is overdue. I know that the last person to check it out was my boyfriend, Doctor Franz Tobel.
SHERLOCK: Did he learn anything from it?
DAPHNE: Not that I could tell ... I know you want to get started, so I'll pay you in advance. Here's three dollars.


[Doctor Tobel and Grandpa Holmes are piling books up]
DR. TOBEL: These are all overdue books?
GRANDPA HOLMES: I have every book ever written, from every library ever built. I owe over 50,000 dollars in fines! Hmm, and I'm proud of it!
DR. TOBEL: Oh, but won't my girlfriend Daphne lose her librarian job?
GRANDPA HOLMES: So what? I've been shushed by so many librarians like her, I almost caught pneumonia from the draft!


[cut to various shots of Kent interviewing people in front of the library]
KENT: [in voice over] We were wondering what the punishment should be for people who keep library books past the due date.
PATRON 1: I'd cut out their eyes so they couldn't read anymore.
PATRON 2: Public flogging.
PATRON 3: I guess you could make 'em wear gum on their nose or something crazy.
PATRON 4: I think you oughta abolish reading altogether.
PATRON 5: I think I'd hit 'em with the book that they checked out.
PATRON 6: Set up a bomb, and have it go off the day it's due or something ... I dunno.
KENT: [from off camera] In the book?
PATRON 6: Yeah.
PATRON 7: I think death, by hanging preferably. In front of the library could be good.
PATRON 8: Oh, I think that's great, because that means they're really reading them.
PATRON 9: Cut off their hands?
PATRON 10: Set 'em on fire.
PATRON 11: [laughs] I have one that's overdue today!


[Daphne and her boyfriend are talking]
DR. TOBEL: Oh, here's a sympathy card, Daphne. I'm sorry you lost your job at the library.
DAPHNE: You hand-delivered it too.
DR. TOBEL: In an envelope.
DAPHNE: Let me deliver this ...
[they kiss]


[Doctor Tobel turns himself in to the Library Police]
DR. TOBEL: I helped steal the books. I'm turning myself in.
POLICEMAN 1: Very good.
POLICEMAN 2: We all knew it was you.
WATSON: Hmmm, not everyone, Holmes here thought he was a pancake salesman!
[Sherlock hits him with his cane off camera]
WATSON: Ow, Holmes!
POLICEMAN 1: So, you're turning state's evidence because you're a changed man.
DR. TOBEL: No, because since my girlfriend lost her job, she won't sleep with me anymore.
POLICEMAN 1: Hmm, what's she look like?
DR. TOBEL: Ehhh, she's big in the hips, but if she can have her job back, I'll help you round up the rest of the gang!
POLICEMAN 1: Hmmm, what do you think, Holmes? Should we let him help us?
POLICEMAN 2: You're the expert, Holmes!
SHERLOCK: Don't ask me, I thought he was a pancake salesman! Ask Smarty Pants Watson!
WATSON: Childish, Holmes, very--
SHERLOCK: Oh shut up!


[Just as Moriarty is about to kill Holmes, Watson and the Library Police burst onto the scene]
POLICEMAN 2: There's the man responsible for stealing all the books!
[he grabs Moriarty, as Watson attends to Holmes (who is tied up on the ground)]
WATSON: Holmes, look at you!
[as he is being led away, Moriarty looks at the policeman]
MORIARTY: [I suppose you're going to revoke my library card?


[the Library Police are speaking with Daphne and her boyfriend]
POLICEMAN 1: Well, the case is solved ... no thanks to Sherlock Holmes.
DR. TOBEL: Mmm, yes. Daphne's got her job back, and all the books are being returned ... including "The Joy of Sex."
[she turns to the Library Police]
DAPHNE: He didn't understand a word of it!
POLICEMAN 2: I like the pictures ...


[cut back to the library, as Kent approaches the checkout desk]
KENT: Well, that's our mad movie for tonight.
[he turns to the librarian (who is off screen)]
KENT: I'd like to check out some books, so this is "First Blood Part 7: Rambo Meets Gidget" ...
[cut to Kent walking out of the library with a stack of books]
KENT: Well, thanks for joining us. I've got some reading to catch up on ...
[as he exits the door, sirens start blaring]
MALE POLICEMAN: [from off camera] Alright, this is the Library Police! Stop what you're doing, drop those books! You have the right to remain silent, anything you say above a whisper may be used against you!
KENT: See you next time ...



One of my favorite TV series that's never been released on DVD (yet!...we can but hope) is the 1980s Mad Movies with the L.A. Connection. Before Mystery Science Theater 3000 added heckled riffing over the soundtrack of a cheesy movie, Mad Movies, originating from an improv group in Los Angeles, took old public domain movie, chopped them up and re-edited them into a half-hour show, and re-dubbed them completely with a new comedy soundtrack. The show ran in syndication and on Nick at Nite for several years in the eighties—I'm lucky enough to still have my much-watched VHS tapes of the show...but it hasn't been seen publicly for ages. Until the age of YouTube, that is! All hail YouTube!

Tonight, get in the mad moodvie by watching their version of 1943's Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon, one of the many Universal Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce Holmes vehicles that brought the Victorian sleuth to contemporary times to battle Nazis. (Well, somebody's gotta.) Mad Movies re-spins the film as Holmes's search for missing library books. Let's watch!

(A fair warning: the host segments and introductions with Kent Skov are be honest...absolutely missable. If you want to start right off with the movie portion of the show, start at 2:00 into the YouTube clip.)

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for posting this! I remember seeing this long ago and am glad to find it online. Searching on "Sherlock Holmes" and "Pancake Salesman" brought me here.

    Christian Neuhaus