Friday, March 2, 2012

Case Study No. 0271: The Queen of Hearts (Wannabe Librarian)

The Zack Files 1x01 Library of No Return
The Zack Files 1x01 Library of No Return
Tags: Katie Boland Gwendolyn 'Gwen' Killerby Robert Clark Zack Greenburg Jake Epstein Cam Dunleavey Michael Seater Spencer Sharpe Noah Giffin Vernon Family Comedy Fantasy Sci-Fi The Files SE01E01 part 1: Library of No Return
Added: 3 years ago
From: TheZackFiler
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[scene opens inside the Horace White High School for Boys, as Spencer is pulling a book out of Zack's locker]
SPENCER: [reading the cover title] "Alice in Wonderland"? You read a chick book?
ZACK: Uh, it was on the reading list ... And besides, it's not just for girls!
[Spencer opens the book and starts reading]
SPENCER: "'Oh Rabbit, I'm so distraught!', said Alice, wiping a tear from her eye ... "
ZACK: Gimmee that!
[Spencer chuckles, then notices the label on the book's spine]
SPENCER: This is a library book ... Whoa, you checked this out 18 months ago!
ZACK: I'm gonna return it ... I just haven't had the time.


[Vernon confronts Zack and Spencer in the hallway]
VERNON: I am hall monitor, and I have the power to keep you in detention until you're either eighteen or dead!
ZACK: Y'know Vernon, it's not the fact that you sweat like a farm animal ...
SPENCER: Or that you strongly resemble one!
ZACK: It's your attitude that stinks.
VERNON: You'll suffer for those remarks, I promise you!
SPENCER: Have a nice day ...
[as Vernon fumes, Spencer notices Zack putting the book back in his locker]
SPENCER: I thought you were gonna return that.
ZACK: Another day won't hurt ...
[he shuts the locker door, but fails to notice that it doesn't close all the way]
ZACK: See ya later, Verminator!
[the two leave, when Vernon notices the locker is still open, so he takes the book and rips out one of the pages so that he can use it to wipe his brow]
VERNON: Heh ...
[as Vernon throws the book to the ground, ominous sounds are heard as the remaining pages turn by themselves, then the scene cuts to the exterior of the public library, as a paper airplane flies out of one of the open windows and finds its way into Zack's apartment window]
[he picks up the paper airplane and unfolds it]
SPENCER: It's for you ... air mail.
[Zack takes it and begins reading]
ZACK: "Your library book, Alice in Wonderland, is overdue. The penalty is ... death!"


[Zack is freaking out over the overdue notice to his friends]
CAMERON: That's a prank! It's The Vermin, trying to get back at you.
[Spencer takes the note out of his hand and examines it]
SPENCER: Possible, but doubtful. I smell a distinct lack of sweat ... I'll need to run some tests, check for ectoplasmic traces. Give me seventy two hours, and I'll know exactly which galaxy this puppy came from and why!
ZACK: We know where it came from ...
[he takes the note]
ZACK: "Your Public Library!" See, big overdue stamp!
[they stop at Zack's locker, and Cameron pulls out several more notices]
CAMERON: You mean like these? "Overdue," "overdue," and ... what a shock! "Overdue."
ZACK: Yeah, fine. Like the great Cameron Dunleavy never forgot to return a book! This is just some crazy librarian ...
[cut to the three walking outside]
ZACK: I'm not gonna fall for this! I'm just gonna walk into the public library, pay my fine, and get out!
SPENCER: Go ahead, if you wanna end up in prison ...
[he pulls out a newspaper clipping with the headline "Library Jails Book Borrower"]
CAMERON: [reading] "November 1998. Taxi driver Norman Smith is sentenced to ... three years in prison for failing to return books to his local library!"
[Zack grabs the clipping and reads the rest of the article]
ZACK: He stole seven thousand books!
SPENCER: At least he didn't mutilate them like you did!
ZACK: I didn't mutilate anything!
SPENCER: Oh, ya think?
[he opens the library book to reveal the missing page]
ZACK: [shocked] I did not do that!
SPENCER: Tell it to the judge!
[they stop at the bookdrop in front of the public library]
CAMERON: Plan B ... Take the book, put it in the slot. By the time they realize it's damaged, you'll be six blocks away!
ZACK: Cowardly, but effective ... I like it.
[he slowly places the book into the slot]
SPENCER: Easy! Don't let the money fall out!
CAMERON: See? Piece'a cake!
[Zack's entire arm is suddenly pulled into the slot]
ZACK: Wait, there's something in here! It's got my arm!
CAMERON: Nothing's easy with you, is it?
SPENCER: He's not joking, he's actually stuck!
[They grab him and pull his arm out, as his sleeve is all torn up]
CAMERON: At least you got ridda the book ...
[the bookdrop promptly "spits" the book back out towards them]
ZACK: Plan C?
CAMERON: I'm working on it ...


[Zack turns to his father for help]
ZACK: Actually Dad, you wouldn't be happening to go to the library tomorrow, wouldja?
DANIEL: How overdue is it?
ZACK: Eighteen months ...
ZACK: Dad, I was trying to return it, but ... but then I got this!
[he hands him the overdue notice]
DANIEL: [reading] "Your library book is overdue. The penalty is death" ... Someone's pulling your leg.
ZACK: No, my arm ... Dad, there are some very scary people who work at these public libraries! I mean, one of them must have been hiding in the book return ready to ambush me, because when I stuck my arm--
[he looks at Zack's torn shirt sleeve]
DANIEL: First it's a dog, now it's a three-foot killer librarian?
ZACK: I told you it was a dog because I didn't want you to know about the book! But the part about the librarian is true ...
DANIEL: Zack, c'mere ...
[he motions for him to sit down]
DANIEL: Sometimes when we feel guilty, we make up excuses so we don't have to face what we've done. Trust me, no librarian would write this kinda notice.
[he hands him some money]
DANIEL: Now, you can work this off on the weekend, but I want this book in the librarian's hands by tomorrow afternoon.


[Zack and Cameron are discussing the library book in school, as Zack has his head buried inside his locker]
CAMERON: Are you nuts? You'll never make it into the building. The crazy librarian will run you over in the parking lot!
ZACK: Look, he may be my Dad, but he's got a point. Sometimes you have to face things ...
[he pulls his head out to reveal he's wearing a beekeeper's mask]
ZACK: Let's do it.
CAMERON: Better idea. We sneak in after hours. She can't hurt you if she's not there.
ZACK: That's just great, Cam, breaking and entering! Yeah, I'll still have my life, I'll just be spending it in jail!
CAMERON: Gimmee some credit! My cousin Louie works nights as a janitor ... Guess where?
ZACK: At the public library?
CAMERON: Louie lets us in ...
ZACK: I leave the book and the money on the desk ...
CAMERON: And Cruella D'evil never knows we were there!
ZACK: Could work.
CAMERON: Please! This is genius ...


[Cameron, Spencer, and Zack are in the public library after hours, as Zack gingerly places the book and money on the librarian's desk]
ZACK: There! I did it!
CAMERON: What did I tell you? Piece'a cake ...
[the Queen of Hearts suddenly appears behind them as a red tornado]
SPENCER: Run for it!
QUEEN: Not so fast!
[she blocks their exit]
CAMERON: This is not a librarian!
[the White Rabbit hops into the scene]
WHITE RABBIT: Indeed she's not ... At least, if she is, she never said so!


[Zack is on trial for "Ixnay Arkay Appreciationvay" ("Lack of Care and Appreciation for Books") and the penalty is to be fed to the Jabberwocky]
ZACK: Okay, look. I didn't read the book, I didn't take it back, I let it get wrecked, and I'm guilty! Zachary Greenburg is a disgusting ... no wait, a putrid human being!
CAMERON: If this is Plan E, you're losing me!
ZACK: Queen, you're looking for logic? My life is just like this book! It's nuts! Yesterday, my locker ate my football, and today I'm about to be devoured by a completely fictional animal. Who can live like this?
[Spencer enters the scene, grabbing Vernon by the arm, who had been skulking around the outside of the library]
SPENCER: Wait! It wasn't Zack who wrecked the book, it was Vernon, see?
[he holds up the missing page]
VERNON: They-they're lying! They're always lying about me!
[Vernon hears the sounds of the Jabberwocky, and promptly faints]


[the next morning, Zack has been cleared of all charges, so he stands outside of the library watching Vernon being led out by a security guard, when he turns and speaks directly to the camera]
ZACK: Something I've learned about problems. If you don't face them, they turn out to be monsters. But if you do, somehow, it all works out ...
[Vernon struggles and yells at the guard with a wild look in his eyes]
VERNON: It wasn't me, it was Greenburg! I am a Mantuelfel! I would never break into a library! Who told you it was me? The rabbit?



The Zack Files
Season 1, Episode 1
The Library of No Return

Zack finally gets around to returning an extremely overdue library book (Alice in Wonderland) and is confronted by a furious Queen of Hearts, White Rabbit and Mad Hatter who put Zack on trial for his carelessness. Cam and Spencer are there to help him by becoming his lawyers.

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