Meet the Librarian - Nigel Visits the Library
Written by Ed Parnell, voices by Elise Harris and Ed Parnell.
Animation by Ed Parnell. For more go to https://www.you tube.com/user/ TheEdParnellShow
Tags: library librarian sexism sexist humour Book Books Reading Writing Comic eliseharris edparnell yt:stretch=16:9
Added: 5 months ago
[scene opens with a young female librarian (long brown hair, blue dress) leading two British gentlemen into the public library]
LIBRARIAN: And this is the main section of the library.
NIGEL: Oh, this is excellent! Look at this, Hugo ... Books by the load!
HUGO: Certainly lots of books here, Nigel!
NIGEL: Yes, that's one thing we have that Johnny Foreigner doesn't, of course ... Coming over here, no books in their bags, of course. Just lots of logs and a big pair of boots.
HUGO: And a bag for the kidneys, Nigel ... Don't forget that!
NIGEL: Oh god, yes! What's wrong with British people stealing British kidneys, eh? Thousand billion of 'em coming over here, from all over the world, filling their pockets with our internal organs! It's disgraceful!
[he looks around nervously]
NIGEL: Sorry. I've not had my pills.
LIBRARIAN: Uh, I think people in other countries have books ...
LIBRARIAN: They can read.
NIGEL: No! It's all hieroglyphics. Mountains. Pictures of pastures.
NIGEL: Europeans, all nattering away. Complete gibberish they're talking! They all speak English when there's no one around, I've heard them!
LIBRARIAN: Uh ...
NIGEL: Every last one of the blighters sound like someone there, "Ello! Ello!"
HUGO: They all spoke English in "Thatch" ...
NIGEL: That was an absolutely stunning documentary!
HUGO: Who invented English, anyway? We did!
NIGEL: Even the animals know English ... My red setter, for instance. I throw a stick, yell "Fetch!", off he goes, job done.
[the librarian rolls her eyes]
NIGEL: I do the same with one of those East European lads, and I just get a smack in the face.
HUGO: No gratitude, Nigel.
NIGEL: They don't understand our ways.
NIGEL: No matter how hard you thrash them.
HUGO: Yes, indeed.
LIBRARIAN: Uh ...
NIGEL: And so, by the by, we're here to look at the library.
HUGO: I bet you'd like a ... little bit of reading yourself, don't you, you saucy minx?
LIBRARIAN: I beg your pardon?
NIGEL: Shut up, Hugo!
[he turns back to the librarian]
NIGEL: Got to say, though, you do keep this place clean and nice.
LIBRARIAN: That's more down to the cleaners.
NIGEL: Uh, is the librarian about?
LIBRARIAN: I am the librarian.
[they both start laughing]
LIBRARIAN: What's so funny?
NIGEL: Women can't be librarians!
[he pauses and looks down at the librarian's cleavage]
NIGEL: Uh, you are a woman, aren't you?
LIBRARIAN: Do I look like a man?
NIGEL: No no no, you don't ... Some of these chappies can be quite convincing.
HUGO: We made that mistake before!
NIGEL: Yes, you find the ol' hanging garden of Babylon down there, as opposed to a good ol' British wookie hole ...
HUGO: And by that time, they've already taken your money!
NIGEL: They have indeed.
LIBRARIAN: Well, I am a woman, and I am the librarian.
HUGO: Well, I ... uh, a librarian, huh? Can I watch?
NIGEL: "Librarian", Hugo.
NIGEL: Sorry about that ... Days when women can be librarians or soldiers or lumberjacks are far off, thanks goodness!
LIBRARIAN: How dare you?
NIGEL: Please, don't take it the wrong way. Women are just inferior to men, that's all, that's all there is to it. You're the three "C"s ... Cooking, cleaning, and cocktail dresses.
LIBRARIAN: What, that's--
NIGEL: You're all nice to look at, but don't crowd your pretty little heads with facts and figures.
HUGO: There's only one fact and figure a woman should be in charge of, and that is the fact of when I'm due home and the figure to whet my appetite.
LIBRARIAN: Are you from the eighteenth century?
NIGEL: I wish!
LIBRARIAN: Do you know how many people would be on this planet without women?
NIGEL: Uh ... Half?
LIBRARIAN: None! And you know why? Because we give life! We're equal to men in every single way and then some! In fact, we could do without men altogether if we so wished, and probably be happier for it! And remember, men can't give birth!
[the two men look at each other]
NIGEL: Is this true, Hugo?
HUGO: Maybe we should check it out, Nigel.
NIGEL: Quite right, we are in a library after all.
[he turns back to the librarian]
NIGEL: Where is the, uh, reference section?
[she points off camera]
LIBRARIAN: Over there ...
NIGEL: To the knowledge!
[they run off]
The UK Intolerance Party
by Ed Parnell
Nigel Porridge, Hugo and the long suffering Roy visit the library for some of that there lernin'
With Elise Harris.
Librarian: "The library closes in 10 minutes."
Roy: "So this is where you've been hiding out!"
Nigel: "I've been reading about sex!"
Nigel: "That librarian was right! It's amazing! All this stuff, babies and all sorts! I've even seen a lady with no clothes on... saucy stuff!"
Roy: "Yes, well, we're late for a party meeting."
Nigel: "Party meeting? Ha! I think this calls for a national assembly! You wait until everyone in the party hears about this, oof! Talk about an ice breaker!"
Roy: "Well, I don't know if that's a good idea."
Nigel: "I'll decide when something's a good idea!"
Nigel: "Your job is just to agree!"
Roy: "Everyone knows about sex, Nigel."
Nigel: "I didn't!"
Roy: "Well, how did you think babies were made?"
Nigel: "Well, they came from herons."
Librarian: "The library closes in 5 minutes."
Roy: "What about Hugo?"
Nigel: "Well, we flipped a coin. I've been sitting here reading books, and Hugo has been using the internet to look up the facts. Haven't you Hugo?"
Hugo: "Ohhhh, oooh. Mmmmmmm."
Nigel: "Good man, Hugo."
Nigel: "Roy, question. Did you know that women don't have willies?"
Nigel: "You never thought to tell me?"
Roy: "Well, I didn't think it was... We tend to only discuss party policy, it never really came up."
Nigel: "Well, from now on this is in our manifesto! Willies for women! Oh, ooh hoo hoo! Think of the votes!"
Roy: "What if women don't want willies?"
Nigel: "Pittle! They want equal rights, don't they? Well, equal rights means having a todger!"
Roy: "Oh God!"
Nigel: "I can see this being a key issue in the upcoming election... Immigration and cocks!"
Roy: "I really think we should just concentrate on one issue."
Nigel: "Oh, hmmmmmm. Yes, maybe you're right, yes."
Roy: "Immigration, immigration, immigration, immigration... "
Nigel: "Yes, you are right!"
Roy: "Immigration... "
Nigel: "Cocks it is!"
Roy: "Uhhh... "
Nigel: "Hugo, we're going to concentrate on cocks!"
Hugo: "Already there, Nigel!"
Librarian: "For the love of God, fuck off outta my library!"