The Crazy Ones - The Evil Queen
Simon comes to the rescue of a boozy librarian by doing some pro bono work.
Tags: The Crazy Ones Crazy Ones Robin Williams Sarah Michelle Gellar Kelly Clarkson CBS Fall Lineup Comedy CBS Comedy Buffy the Vampire Slayer All My Children Mork & Mindy James Wolk Hamish Linklater Amanda Setton
Added: 7 months ago
The Crazy Ones: Season 1, Episode 21
The Monster (17 Apr. 2014)
Simon and the team decide to use a new idea to save a library from being shut down while Gordon finds himself becoming the poster boy for the campaign.
She just can't stay off the sauce. Daytime goddess Melody Thomas Scott, who plays recovering alcoholic Nikki Newman on CBS's The Young and the Restless, has booked a guest gig on CBS's The Crazy Ones as...a boozy librarian! The actress will share scenes with Robin Williams and Sarah Michelle Gellar in an episode scheduled to air mid-April.
"It came completely out of the blue," Thomas Scott tells TV Guide Magazine. "I was originally called in for another role on the show and was told by the producers that I was too young, which was fabulous! But they thought Robin and I would play off each other well, so they created a role for me in a different episode. It's a great character and not at all glamorous like Nikki. This poor girl is really trying to be sexy but she's just not cutting it - and she has no qualms about pulling out her flask during library hours."
Thomas Scott says the Crazy Ones team had watched her old episode of My Name is Earl and seemed inspired by it. "That was another role where I'm all drinky-drinky," she says with a laugh. "I guess it's never too late to be typecast!"
Working with Williams and Gellar was "wonderful and surreal and still hasn't sunk in yet," she says. "The whole thing has been crazy!" Thomas Scott has even more to celebrate this week: Thursday, Feb. 27 marks her 35th anniversary on Y&R.
INT. EAST NAPERVILLE PUBLIC LIBRARY
Simon reads a book to a group of CHILDREN.
SIMON: (funny voice) Then the sloth said, "That's not necessarily so." And Caveman Boy said,
SIMON: (childlike) "Tell me you'll never leave me, Stupidest Dodo and Littlest Mammoth."
SIMON: (goofy voice) "I wish we didn't have to, but we're going extinct. (chuckles) I'm the last one of me."
SIMON: "Yeah!" said the Stupidest Dodo. And the Littlest Mammoth turned to Caveman Boy and said,
SIMON: (sweetly) "Don't worry, Caveman Boy."
BOY: We get it, you can do voices. Just read it normally.
SIMON: Look, when you grow up and volunteer your time, you can do whatever your critical little heart desires, but right now, I'm driving this train, okay?
BOY: (annoyed sigh)
SIMON: "Don't worry, Caveman Boy!"
His daughter SYDNEY and a LIBRARIAN stand nearby.
FLORA: What an ebullient soul he is to bestow us his time and his verbal dexterity, all to inspire the neighborhood progeny. (takes a drink from her flask)
SYDNEY: I think you just said you appreciate him volunteering here and he has a healthy prostate?
FLORA: Oh, I see you share your father's flair for badinage.
SIMON: (funny voice) "Even though we're going extinct, we'll be with you forever. Because when you truly love something, it can never go away."
GIRL: Does that mean my grandma's coming back?
BOY 2: And my dog?
SIMON: I'm sorry, boys and girls, but there's no question and answer period after story time. But these are good issues to discuss with your parents in what I'm sure will be an uncomfortable ride home.
He runs off to join SYDNEY and the LIBRARIAN.
SIMON: Tough crowd. Who picked this book?
SYDNEY: Yeah, but the moral was so sweet. If you truly love something, it'll never go away.
FLORA: Oh, that's ludicrous. I love this library, and they're taking it away. They're shutting it down.
SIMON: What? That's terrible. I feel like I grew up in this library. But don't you worry, Flora!
SIMON: (goofy voice): We're not letting you go extinct. Ha!
SIMON: God, the kid was right. These voices really are annoying. Ooh.
INT. SIMON'S OFFICE
GORDON: Okay, listen up. We got terrible news. UPS is dropping us. It's a catastrophe!
SIMON: Gordon, stop hitting the panic button, okay?
GORDON: I'm not panicking!
SIMON: Breathe for me. Shh.
GORDON: I'm just trying to tell you that we have to replace them with somebody else immediately so everybody thinks that we're still at the top of our game, you understand? I don't care who it is uh, it can be tobacco...
GORDON: Big pharma... No, little pharma! Uh, North Korea!
He snaps his fingers and turns to LAUREN outside of the office.
GORDON: Lauren, get me Kim Jong-Un on the phone, darling!
SIMON: No, do not get Kim Jong-Un on the phone! You'll wake Dennis Rodman! Listen to me, UPS is not that big an account with us, Gordon come on!
SYDNEY: Yeah. We only had their hazardous material shipping.
SYDNEY: "We will touch it with a ten-foot pole.
GORDON: Yeah, but, you see, that's money. So, right now, our top priority is gonna be landing a new client.
SIMON: I would argue that our top priority should be to save the East Naperville Public Library.
GORDON: What the hell are you talking about?
SIMON: I made a promise to a boozy librarian that we would come to the rescue.
SYDNEY: They're about to have a big vote in East Naperville to raise taxes; right now, they're gonna say no and then the library's gonna close.
GORDON: Who gives a crap? Shut it down! Shut down that stupid book museum right now!
SIMON: Absolutely not! I gave them my word! That's why we're gonna do the best pro bono work of our lives.
GORDON: P-Pro bono?
SIMON: Pro bono.
GORDON: That just made my stent slip. Okay, I'll tell you what. Since you're not gonna let me talk you out of it, I'm gonna tell you how much dough I'm gonna give you for your pro bono project. You ready?
GORDON: You know what that is? That's Spanish for "no dough." (laughs) That would've killed in Accounts.
SIMON: You're such a villain! All you're missing is a poison apple and a magic mirror!
GORDON: Oh, you haven't even begun to see the evil queen that I can be. (wheezy laughter) I'm sorry. That would kill in Accounts!
INT. LEWIS, ROBERTS & ROBERTS CONFERENCE ROOM
SIMON is writing on a big screen monitor with magic marker.
SIMON: "Pro bono." What do these words say to you?
ANDREW: Well, to me it says you've written the words "pro bono" on a $5,000 monitor with what looks to be a permanent marker.
SIMON: That's not a good start, is it?
SIMON: If you don't look at it, it didn't happen. Okay, everybody! Meeting takes place...
EVERYONE moves to the opposite side of the table.
SIMON: Down here now! All right, re-focus. Because this is charity and Gordon is evil, he has taken away our budget!
GORDON (over speaker): And not just your budget, little man.
GORDON: As long as you're working on a pro bono project, you are not being paid! (laughs evilly)
SIMON: God, that man really is a villain.
SIMON: So we have no budget. We're working for free. Time to brainstorm, all right? Any good ideas, you write 'em on the monitor. It's already trashed.
SIMON: So, what do we got?
ZACH: What about a blimp?
SIMON: Those cost money.
LAUREN: What about a free one?
SIMON: Good thinking, but that's not a thing.
SIMON: Come on, people. What pops into your mind when you hear the word "library"?
ZACH: Uh, bad Wi-Fi.
ANDREW: Old book smell.
ZACH: No hot chicks.
ANDREW: Old people smell.
ZACH: Like, literally I've never seen a girl better than a seven.
ANDREW: It's impossible to tell which is which.
LAUREN: Oh, places where homeless people masturbate.
SIMON: No, no... Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren.
SIMON: I feel the need to speechify.
SIMON: Yes! To me the library was a magical place, a place where I could captain a pirate ship, fly to the moon, walk through African villages and see boobs in their native culture. (imitating African language)
ANDREW: Yeah, but now we can see all the boobs the world has to offer with just the click of a mouse.
ZACH: And with books you can't change the font or the size of the boobs.
LAUREN: Yeah, and each book is just one book. I-I'm never doing just one thing at once. (text alert chimes) I mean, even my friend Candice agrees.
SIMON: Fine! Why don't we just give up and let them shut down the library? In fact, why don't we just burn all the books?
SIMON turns and pauses.
SIMON: Yeah, why don't we?
INT. SIMON'S OFFICE
SIMON pulls away a sheet to reveal his poster.
SIMON: What do you think?
ANDREW: "Vote to close the library April 17th. Book burning celebration to follow."
ANDREW: Ha! Well, it's... Book burning generally has a sort of negative connotation.
LAUREN: Uh, the font's pretty.
ZACH: I love it.
SIMON: No, you don't, but kudos on ass-kissing.
ZACH: Thank you.
SIMON: You're outraged, as you should be. But rage is what motivates people, huh?
SIMON starts using magic marker on the window.
(all talking at once)
ANDREW: You're doing it again.
SIMON: No, I'm about ideas, not where you write things down. The people of Naperville are angry about a tax hike, so they don't care about the library. We got to give 'em something to be even angrier about, something that'll really push their buttons.
SIMON draws a book with flames coming off it on the window.
LAUREN: A, a smelly book.
ANDREW: Toaster fire.
ZACH: Hairy building.
ANDREW: Box on fire.
ZACH: Spaghetti trap!
LAUREN: I love Pictionary.
SIMON: It's a burning book!
LAUREN: Burning book!
(Simon imitates bell dinging)
SIMON: We'll make them so mad about burning books, they won't care about the taxes and they'll vote to save the library!
ANDREW: Ah, that's genius... you're shifting the conversation from taxes to libraries.
ZACH: A vote to close the library is like a vote to burn books.
SIMON: Exactly! That is why, ladies and gentlemen, we are hosting a book-burning party.
ANDREW: That's a cool concept, but I feel like it's missing something.
SIMON: You're right, Andrew, it is a cool concept.
ANDREW: I said I feel like it's missing something.
SIMON: Sorry, I don't hear criticism. But I feel like it's missing something.
SIMON: A visual. A face... a face that people can hate.
ZACH: Who's hateable and doesn't cost anything?
ANDREW: What about something... like this?
ANDREW turns his laptop to show GORDON'S photo on the poster.
GORDON: I'm a pariah out there. I got egged on the street. An old lady flicked her lit cigarette at me. My latte had a middle finger drawn in the foam.
SYDNEY: Gordon, we are so sorry. I mean, we never thought that this was-
GORDON: I don't want to hear it! I'm blowing your cover.
GORDON: I'm sending out a press release... Can someone tell me how to send out a press release?
SIMON: Or, or we wait till after the library's been saved. You'll end up looking like a hero, Gordon. That was my plan all along.
GORDON: No no no no, don't play me, Simon.
SIMON: I'm not playing you, Gordon, you know. I know right now things look dire, but a couple of days from now when we all gather together for the mock book-burning and the crowd's there, ready to lynch you-
GORDON: Still looking pretty dire.
SIMON: We're going to announce we're not burning the books, we're saving the library, and it's all because of you. You're the man behind it all.
ZACH: Everyone's going to be cheering for you.
SIMON: And you'll be the hero this time.
ALL (chanting): Hero, hero
SIMON: You just have to have a little patience, my darling.
GORDON: Okay... listen, I know you're pulling this out of your ass.
GORDON: But I do like the idea of being a hero for once.
GORDON: But what do I do in the meantime?
ALL (softly): Hide, hide, hide
SIMON: Good luck.
EXT. EAST NAPERVILLE PUBLIC LIBRARY
SIMON is speaking at the podium in front of a crowd of PROTESTORS
SIMON: In a few minutes, the polls are gonna close. But if we've done our jobs, these library doors are gonna stay open because this community said no to the death of imagination!
ZACH: When the book burners saw us coming, they ran away from the power of knowledge!
ANDREW: They were so scared, they left without their props! (points at books skewered by pitchforks, set up around a bonfire)
SIMON: And not even the evil giant who started this whole thing had the guts to show his face!
LAUREN: Can I get a whoop-whoop?
GORDON is under the podium, whispering to SIMON
GORDON: Hey, hey! What's happening? I thought you were gonna make me the hero here.
SIMON: Don't worry. When the vote is over, I'll bring you out and reveal that the whole thing was a campaign to save the library and you'll reap the glory!
GORDON: Okay, well hurry up because my calves are spasming.
SIMON: Got it.
GORDON: I never should've quit ballet.
FLORA enters the scene.
FLORA: Attention, proletariat. The ballots have been quantified. And we have emerged from the hangman's noose unscathed.
The PROTESTORS look around confused.
SYDNEY: Did we win?
FLORA: That's what I just said. (drinks from flask)
SYDNEY: We won!
GORDON: Okay okay, you gotta make it happen because I can't feel my legs!
SIMON: I'm doing it.
SIMON looks out at the PROTESTORS.
SIMON: Everyone? I have a special surprise. We would not have won tonight without the man I'm about to introduce. You know him as the face of evil. But...
GORDON: I can't take it anymore!
GORDON: Gordon, Gordon, no!
GORDON emerges from behind the podium, as the PROTESTORS gasp and murmur.
GORDON: What are you doing to me?
MAN: That's him!
WOMAN: The book hater!
GORDON: No, no! No. That isn't who I am. Actually, I don't, I don't hate books. (picks up book) I love books. I'm a reader. (waves the book around, accidentally setting it on fire from a nearby tiki torch)
SIMON: Gordon, Gordon, you're flaming!
GORDON: I know, it happens when I get nervous.
SIMON: No, right there!
GORDON: Aah! Oh! Fire! Bad! (throws it at pile of books, setting the whole thing ablaze)
MAN: He's burning the books!
FLORA: You! You're a monster! Get him!
GORDON: No, I'm-I'm not a monster! (runs off and crowd chases him)
SIMON: He's not bad, he's good! It's not his fault! I made him that way! He's my creation!
GORDON: Simon, you son of a bitch!
SYDNEY: This reminds me of something.
ZACH: Hunger Games?
INT SIMON'S OFFICE
A cork pops as ANDREW reads the newspaper headline.
ANDREW: "Genius Ad Campaign Revealed."
ZACH: "Lewis, Roberts & Roberts Saves the Day."
LAUREN: "Homeless Man Arrested for Masturbating in Library."
SIMON: See? All is right with the world again. Whoa, Gordon's on the news.
"Villain Turned Hero" appears on the television screen as GORDON is being interviewed on Eyewitness News.
GORDON: My thinking was that if we created a villain character, that it would change the conversation. And I volunteered because I care.
REPORTER: Speaking of caring, I'm sure some of our viewers want to know how are your injuries because of the pitchforks?
GORDON: Numerous and excruciating. Al-although I was very lucky that that church was unlocked, so I was able to hide out in the bell tower.
REPORTER: Well, so there we have it. A nation's villain, one library's hero.