Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Case Study No. 0544: Unnamed Female Librarian (You Can't Do That on Television)

YCDTOTV ep 109 Books & Reading 1987
Here's a full episode of You Can't Do That on Television.
With 3 scene in the library in the episode.
Tags: ycdtotv you can't television nickelodeon comedy kids episodes slime
Added: 1 year ago
From: greenwater735
Views: 2,198

[scene opens with two child actors sitting on stage, speaking directly to the camera]
MATTHEW: Hi, and welcome to "Can't Do That on Television" ...
[he turns to the other kid]
MATTHEW: This is my first opportunity to introduce the show!
ADAM: Yeah!
[he motions for him to continue]
MATTHEW: Oh! Which today is about ...
[he checks the script]
MATTHEW: Uh, books and reading.
ADAM: [whispers] Psst, Matthew!
ADAM: Do you think there's a plot?
MATTHEW: [laughs] Adam, these scripts are always way too disjointed to have any kind of plot!
ADAM: No no no, Matthew ... I mean, they're making us do a show all about books and reading.
ADAM: Do you think there's a plot by the adults to try and get us to persuade kids to read books more often?
ADAM: Let's face it, parents - or adults - would much rather have their kids spend their time reading books than watching TV.
MATTHEW: Parents wouldn't be that sneaky or underhanded, would they?
[they seemingly laugh it off]
[they suddenly stop laughing]
ADAM AND MATTHEW: Yes they would ...
[cut to inside of a library, where an elderly female librarian with a British accent (played by Abby Hagyard) is dusting the shelves and singing to herself]
LIBRARIAN: I'm going to be a star on a TV show, doo dah!
[a young girl walks into the scene]
LIBRARIAN: Hello, young lady!
ANDREA: You seem pretty happy today ...
LIBRARIAN: Well, of course I am, young lady! And what a very pretty little young lady you are ... Didn't you hear? Today's show is all about books and reading, and so of course I am bound to be a star, featured on the show!
ANDREA: I wouldn't count on it, if I were you ...
LIBRARIAN: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
[she pats her on the cheek, then continues dusting and humming cheerfully to herself]


ADAM: I tell you, Matthew, the library at our school is full of dirty books!
MATTHEW: Really? Wow, you must have a real liberal librarian then, right?
ADAM: No no, she's hopping mad about it!
ADAM: She's always threating to make kids pay for the books.
[he pulls out a book from behind his back, covered in gunk]
ADAM: When they bring them back covered with ketchup and grease stains ...
MATTHEW: Oh, oh Adam ...
ADAM: It was an accident.
[Matthew backs away]
ADAM: Come on, Matthew ...


[Adam is reading a book on stage, when the librarian enters the scene with an angry look on her face]
LIBRARIAN: Young man, this is supposed to be a show about books! And reading! And so far there hasn't been one decent scene in the library!
ADAM: Look, I am only a kid, okay? I only work here! There's nothing I can do about it!
LIBRARIAN: I'll bet there is! Why hasn't there been one decent scene in the library?
ADAM: Look, take it up with the writers, I don't know!
[saying those three magic words causes green slime to fall from the sky and land directly on his head]
ADAM: Aww ...
LIBRARIAN: I suppose you think that's funny?
ADAM: No, I don't. Neither would you if you got slimed ...
LIBRARIAN: Well then, young man, why don't you take it up with the writer?
[he gives a fake laugh, then wipes off some of the slime on the librarian's nose]


[Adam is reading a book on stage, when the librarian again enters the scene]
LIBRARIAN: I am getting tired of waiting! This program is going on forever! I have waited very patiently for a scene in the library, but no!
[she composes herself and forces a smile]
LIBRARIAN: This program is about books ... It should have lots of scenes set in the library!
ADAM: Well, I ... I don't think it does.
LIBRARIAN: Well, I want a scene set in the library, and I want one right now!
[he gives a nervous laugh]
ADAM: Okay ...
[cut to inside of the library, as a book signing is taking place with a male author ("Claude Body, The Cat's Revenge, signing books today") as a boy hands him his copy]
MATTHEW: Here you go ... "To Matthew Godfrey."
CLAUDE: Mm hmm!
MATTHEW: Great book.
CLAUDE: Thank you!
MATTHEW: Yeah ...
CLAUDE: "Claude Body" ...
[he signs the book and hands it back to him]
MATTHEW: Thank you!
[he takes the book and walks over to one of his friends in line]
MATTHEW: Vik, I got it! He signed okay, no problem! I got the famous author's signature!
VIKRAM: On a book?
MATTHEW: No, dummy!
[he takes a piece of paper out of the book]
MATTHEW: On this magazine order form! I'll get at least a hundred bucks commission, and he'll get stuck with fifty magazines a month for the next five years!
[he laughs]
MATTHEW: Isn't that great?
VIKRAM: It's excellent!
[cut back to the librarian on stage, with a horrified look on her face]
LIBRARIAN: I wasn't even in it! And it wasn't about books!
[she turns and grabs Adam by the ear]
LIBRARIAN: How dare you? You'll pay for this, young man!
[she takes the book she was carrying and starts beating him with it]
LIBRARIAN: I tell parents a lot of the time ...
ADAM: Ow! Ow! Ow!
LIBRARIAN: There is altogether too much violence on television!
[the last hit knocks him to the ground, as the librarian storms off in a huff]


[Adam and the rest of the cast are sitting on stage, speaking directly to the camera]
ADAM: And now we have something for you to read ... the credits! The show is over!
[everyone cheers, but the librarian returns with an exacerbated look on her face]
LIBRARIAN: No! The show can't be over!
MATTHEW: Well, it is ...
LIBRARIAN: That's impossible! We haven't had any scenes in the library yet! We haven't had a chance to tell the little boys and girls how exciting it can be to read books!
[she turns and speaks directly to the camera]
LIBRARIAN: Little boys and girls, it's awfully exciting to read books ...
[as she makes her plea, the kids behind her are waving their hands and motioning "no"]
LIBRARIAN: It's very good for you, it's a lot of fun, and it's so educational!
DIRECTOR: [from off camera] Carmine, roll credits.
LIBRARIAN: [screaming] Don't you cut me off! I'm not finished yet!
[the credits roll, while the librarian continues her rant]
LIBRARIAN: When I was a little girl ...
ADAM: Ma'am, I'm afraid--
[she karate chops him in the chest]
LIBRARIAN: I remember all the times--
ADAM: Ma'am ...
[she stomps on his foot, and he goes down]
LIBRARIAN: I had a very good time with books, because books were my best friends.
[she hits Vikram over the head with her book]
LIBRARIAN: When I would read books--
[the volume fades out, as the librarian continues beating up the children]
ANNOUNCER: [from off camera] "You Can't Do That on Television" was a Big Bucks Production ...
[cut to the announcing booth]
ANNOUNCER: "Big Bucks?" What're you talkin' about, big bucks? I've never seen any big bucks on this production, I'll tell you--
[someone off camera hits him over the head with a giant book]
ANNOUNCER: Oh, that was a big ... book.
[he falls down, then cut to the librarian sitting in the library with a sad look on her face]
STAGE DIRECTOR ROSS EWICH: [from off camera] Okay, show's over!
LIBRARIAN: Oh, it's not fair!
ANDREA: I told ya so!
[she sticks her tongue out at the little girl, and she returns in kind, so the librarian slumps back down in her chair and sulks as the screen fades to black]


From wikipedia.org:

You Can't Do That on Television is a Canadian television program that first aired locally in 1979 before ultimately airing internationally in 1981. It primarily featured pre-teen and teenaged actors in a sketch comedy format in which they acted out skits based on a theme for that episode.

The show was produced by and aired on Ottawa's CTV station CJOH-TV. After production ended in 1990, the show continued in reruns on Nickelodeon through 1994 when it was replaced with the similarly-themed All That. The show is synonymous with Nick, and was at that time extremely popular with the highest ratings overall on the channel. The show is also well known for introducing slime onto the network.


From tv.com:

You Can't Do That on Television
"Books and Reading"
Season 8, Episode 1

Reading Rambo will not be seen at this time, because Rambo can't read. Instead, we bring you the following illiterate show... The Librarian is very happy about this week's episode being about reading, and gets ready for her first big scene. She becomes upset, however, that there are no sketches in this episode that take place in the library.


From barthsburgery.com:

Books & Reading 87
Episode #109

cast: Andrea Byrne, Stephanie Chow, Matthew Godfrey, Abby Hagyard, Les Lye, Adam Reid, Vikram Sahay
writer: Roger Price
director: Brenda Mason

ps: Reading Rambo

In the 1987 season premiere, the librarian prepares for her rise to stardom but ends up disappointed when the show about Books & Reading has no scenes in the library

water: Matthew
green slime: Adam

production: Big Bucks


From ycdtotv.com:

Episode No: 109

Title: Books and Reading

Pre-Empt: Reading Rambo


The librarian was expecting to be the star of the episode. In the middle of the show, she realizes that the library sketches seem to have not been written for this episode. Adam is the only one on the link set everytime she shows up to complain ... reading and minding his own business. But he's not the writer, what could he do about it? Just before the credits, the librarian tries to persuade the viewers to read educational books, which are so much more "exciting than TV."

Production: Big Bucks


* Ross does not appear in this episode. His voice is only heard, saying "Okay, show's over," in the last scene. Instead, Abby played the librarian, who walked on the link set with the frequency of Ross throughout this entire episode. The only other episode in which Ross did not appear at all was Peer Pressure from 1981.
* As seen in Robert Black's interview, episode 109 would be his last episode to write. However, Roger Price disliked his first scipt and demanded that it be rewritten. After Roger accepted his second version, he changed the title from Publications to Books and Reading, and almost completely rewrote the script again himself.

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