The Real McCoys 4x06
The New Librarian
Added: 1 month ago
[scene opens with Little Luke walking up to his grandfather at the dinner table]
LITTLE LUKE: Grampa!
AMOS: Yeah, Little Luke?
LITTLE LUKE: Grampa, if you're in town tonight, will you drop off this library book for me?
AMOS: Well, I'm kinda set for right here this evenin', Little Luke.
George McMichael's comin' over to play checkeys with me ...
[there is a knock at the door]
AMOS: And if I'm mistook, that's him right now!
[he laughs and answers the door]
AMOS: Hello there, George, ya old ... Come on in here!
GEORGE: Hi, Amos!
LITTLE LUKE: Hi, Uncle George!
GEORGE: Hi, Little Luke ...
[he tips his hat to the other members of the McCoy family]
GEORGE: Hello, Luke. Hi, Kate.
KATE: Hi, George!
LUKE: Hi, George, how are you?
[Amos opens up his checkerboard, then notices George's fancy suit]
AMOS: Say George, ain't you a bit doodied up for checkeys?
GEORGE: That's what I come over ta tell ya, Amos ... Uh, I can't play checkers tonight.
AMOS: Ya can't?
GEORGE: No, I'm sorry. Uh, I uh ... I got involved in a little business deal.
AMOS: A business deal?
GEORGE: Yeah, that's right ... and I gotta see some folks about it in a few minutes.
AMOS: So ... that's why you're all dressed up like this?
[he flicks at George's tie]
GEORGE: There something wrong?
AMOS: Well George, you--
KATE: Now Grampa, don't you start teasing George!
LUKE: Yeah, don't you pay any attention to Grampa, George ... You look mighty nice overdressed like that!
GEORGE: Well, thank you, Luke.
LUKE: I like that yellow tie!
GEORGE: Oh, well, it ain't much but ... it's special bought! To go along with my yellow pocket handkerchief!
[he pulls up his pants leg]
GEORGE: And they both go along with mah yellow socks!
AMOS: What color underwear you wearin', George?
GEORGE: Amos, there's a lady present ...
[he turns to leave]
GEORGE: Well, I'll be goin'.
AMOS: Say, George, maybe come over tomorrow night and play some checkeys, huh?
GEORGE: Well, depends on how the business deal goes, Amos ... I'll call ya.
[he exits the door]
AMOS: Goodnight, George!
LUKE: Goodnight, George!
GEORGE: [from off camera] Goodnight!
GEORGE: [from off camera] Goodnight!
KATE: George sure did look nice, didn't he?
AMOS: [quietly] Yeah, he looked real nice, Kate.
[Amos, obviously disappointed, picks up his hat and puts it on]
AMOS: Well, I think I'll mosey on into town for a spell.
KATE: Oh Grampa, as long as you're going, why don't you take Little Luke's book back to the library for him?
[she hands him a book]
AMOS: Alright ...
LUKE: What're you plannin' on doin' in town tonight, Grampa?
AMOS: Oh, I got a big evenin' all set, Luke! If'n the excitement ain't too much for me, I'm gonna ... watch the folks jay-walkin' across Main Street.
[he sighs, then exits]
AMOS: Well, goodnight ...
KATE: Goodnight, Grampa!
LUKE: Goodnight ...
[cut to inside the public library, as George is nervously trying to act casual when he spies an older female librarian pushing a bookcart]
GEORGE: Well, good evening, Miss Feeney!
DOROTHY: Oh, good evening, Mister McMichael! You're early this evening ...
GEORGE: Uh, Miss Feeney ...
GEORGE: I, uh--
[an old woman (her face buried in a book) walks between them]
GEORGE: You get prettier every day!
DOROTHY: Why, Mister McMichael, what a lovely thing to say ...
GEORGE: Well ...
DOROTHY: Oh, excuse me.
[she smiles and continues pushing her cart, as George looks over and notices that she's heading over to the front desk to deal with a patron (who just happens to be Grampa Amos)]
DOROTHY: May I help you?
AMOS: Yes, ma'am. This book needs returnin'.
DOROTHY: I'll take it.
[George hurriedly grabs a nearby magazine and covers his face with it]
AMOS: Say, you're new around these parts, ain'cha?
DOROTHY: I am indeed, I've only been here a week.
AMOS: Well, welcome to the West End of the San Fernando Valley! The beautiest spot on the face of Southern Californy!
DOROTHY: Well, thank you!
[he takes off his hat]
AMOS: Amos McCoy at your service, ma'am.
DOROTHY: I'm Dorothy Feeney ... Miss Feeney.
AMOS: My, that's a right pretty name!
[she gives him a funny look]
AMOS: No ... "Miss!"
AMOS: I'm a widower, myself ... Well, I best get a book. Ain't nothin' like a good book to settle ya for an evenin'!
[she smiles as he walks off towards one of the nearby shelves and grabs a book, then goes to sit down and read ... until he notices that the man standing right next to him (and covering his face with a magazine) is wearing a yellow tie with a yellow pocket handkerchief]
AMOS: Howdy, George!
GEORGE: Well, hello Amos ... Just dropped by to, uh, read up about something in this agricultural journal! Y'know, uh, about that business deal I was tellin' ya about!
AMOS: You don't say ...
[he points at the cover of the magazine]
AMOS: Say, that's a fetchin' picture of that girl in the bathing suit there, isn't it?
[the camera zooms in to show the cover of "Swim Fashions" (with a drawing of a woman wearing a one-piece bathing suit)]
GEORGE: Oh, uh ... That's Miss Crop Rotation of 1960!
[he quickly takes a seat, as Amos follows him]
AMOS: Well, she looks like the type that's been around, alright!
[Miss Feeney walks over carrying a stack of books]
DOROTHY: I see you two know each other!
AMOS: Oh, sure! Uh, me and him's been each other's best friend for years ... Ain't we, George?
GEORGE: Uh, yeah ... Yeah, that's right, Amos.
DOROTHY: How nice! Mister McMichael's been my most loyal customer. Would you believe it, this is the fifth evening in a row he's stopped by?
[Amos gives him a funny look]
GEORGE: Well, business matters take a lotta lookin' into!
[she smiles and walks off, as Amos sits down next to George]
AMOS: Eh, what a nice-lookin' girl, George ...
GEORGE: [pause] Who?
AMOS: Who? You know who as well as I do! And I don't blame ya a bit!
[he casually opens a book and begins looking it over, as George crosses his arms]
GEORGE: Now look here, Amos ... What're you up to? Sittin' here actin' like you can read!
AMOS: Now look, George, me an' you knows I has trouble with readin' and writin' ... but Miss Feeney don't!
GEORGE: Trouble readin' and writin', huh? You can't do it at all!
AMOS: Well, if that ain't havin' trouble with it, what is?
[Miss Feeney walks over again and looks at the cover of Amos' book]
DOROTHY: "The Philosophy of the Early Greeks" by Socrates? My goodness!
AMOS: Well, I thought I'd start off with somethin' light ...
[George puts his hand to his forehead in disbelief]
DOROTHY: That's the edition in the original Greek!
AMOS: Uh, it's Greek alright!
DOROTHY: You mean you actually read Greek?
AMOS: [pause] Well, can't everybody?
[she looks over at George]
DOROTHY: I'm amazed!
GEORGE: Greek ain't any harder for him than English is!
AMOS: George, you oughta try an education book ...
[he points at the magazine in front of him]
AMOS: It'd probably be a whole lot more educatin' than them picture books you're readin' there! Course, it all depends on what kinda education you want!
[Miss Feeney laughs and walks off]
GEORGE: [whispering] I'm warnin' ya, Amos McCoy ... I saw her first!
AMOS: Well, it's a public liberry, ain't it?!
[George stands up]
GEORGE: So what if it is?
[Amos stands up]
AMOS: She's a public liberrian too, ain't she? And accordin' to law, she's mine as much as yours!
GEORGE: Amos McCoy, I've stood all--
[cut to Miss Feeney at the card catalog]
[they both turn, then quickly sit down]
DOROTHY: Would you like to take that book home with you, Mister McCoy?
AMOS: I might just do that, Miss Feeney!
DOROTHY: Fine! You can sign for it on your way out.
AMOS: Ya mean ... sign my name?
DOROTHY: That's right.
AMOS: Well now, I just remembered ... my readin' lamp's been a-sputterin' on me!
DOROTHY: Well, you can stay here and read as long as you like, Mister McCoy.
AMOS: Oh, thank you, Miss Feeney!
[she walks off]
GEORGE: [whispers] Now, you mark my words ... Luck's with ya tonight, but someday Miss Feeney's gonna find out you can't read or write or even sign ya name! And when that day comes, oh, I'll be standin' in the sidelines laughing like a mule!
AMOS: Well now, if you don't mind, I'd like ta get back to mah readin'!
[he grabs another book off the table]
AMOS: I'll start with this one ...
GEORGE: Why, you don't even know what kind of a book that is!
AMOS: I sure do ...
[he stops and looks at the cover]
AMOS: It's blue!
[George is in the library, presenting Miss Feeney with a bottle of perfume]
GEORGE: I musta whiffed two dozen corks, before mah sniffer picked that one!
DOROTHY: Oh George, it's lovely!
GEORGE: And the clerk said it was real ... "going out" perfume!
GEORGE: So maybe, uh, maybe you and me could--
[he looks over and notices Amos]
GEORGE: I might'a known ...
AMOS: Well, that's a nice little bottle ya got there, Miss Feeney!
DOROTHY: Isn't that lovely? George gave it to me.
GEORGE: Perfume, Amos. It's called "La Vie da la Fleur." That's French.
AMOS: Well, I'm glad to see your taste is improvin', George!
[he takes out a bigger bottle of the same perfume and hands it to Miss Feeney]
AMOS: Miss Feeney!
DOROTHY: Oh, my goodness! I ... I don't know what to say!
AMOS: Well, you can use the big three-dollar size there to fill the little one, y'see!
DOROTHY: You two dears ... but you really shouldn't have done it!
AMOS: Well George, you ready for your readin' exercise?
GEORGE: Readier than you'll ever be, Amos!
[they both start walking towards the shelves, but George backtracks]
GEORGE: Miss Feeney, I was meanin' to ask ya, maybe--
[Amos quickly returns]
AMOS: Hey, how 'bout me walkin' you home to your boarding house after closing?
[George starts to argue, but Miss Feeney intervenes]
DOROTHY: No really, I have an idea ... Why don't both of you walk me home?
[they give her a funny look]
GEORGE: Both of us?
AMOS: Well, don'cha think the sidewalk will be kind of over-crowded with George along, too?
GEORGE: Now listen, Amos--
DOROTHY: Now now now now ...
[she gets inbetween the two]
DOROTHY: [quietly] Since this is a library, I suggest we do a little reading ... quietly.
[they head back towards the shelves]
AMOS: Well, let's see now. I finished off that "War and Peace" by that Tall-Story fellah last night!
DOROTHY: My, that was fast!
GEORGE: Oh, he reads faster when there ain't no pictures to slow 'im up ...
[Amos begins pulling several books off the shelf]
AMOS: Oh here, I'd like that ... and this one here, and this one. Yeah, now that's the one I want!
[he takes the stack of books over to a nearby table and sits down]
DOROTHY: Amos, are you planning to read all those books this evening?
AMOS: I have got quite a stack of 'em, ain't I?
GEORGE: Amos, uh, why don't ya just take 'em home?
AMOS: Well now, I might just do that little thing, George!
DOROTHY: Fine, I can make out a card and you can sign for them. Just wait.
[Amos feigns concern (since he had his family teach him how to sign his own name the previous night) and plays it up for George]
AMOS: Now what'd I do that fer? Eh, now I'm gonna have to tell her I can't sign mah name!
[George tries to hide his smile, while Amos continues the "sob story" act]
AMOS: Well, I guess I'll just hafta make my "X" and ... and get it over with!
GEORGE: Oh now, Amos. Don't be too ashamed. After all, "X" is part of the alphabet too!
[Miss Feeney returns and hands Amos a card and pencil]
DOROTHY: Here's your card, Amos.
AMOS: Where do I sign?
DOROTHY: Right there.
[Amos signs his name, while George looks away in order to stifle another laugh]
AMOS: There ya are.
[she takes the card and looks over his signature]
DOROTHY: What an unusual signature ...
AMOS: I'm kinda proud of it me-self!
GEORGE: Took real courage, Amos ...
DOROTHY: To sign his name?
[George finally decides to actually look at the card, and is dumbfounded by what he sees, as Miss Feeney gives him a confused look before walking away]
GEORGE: Amos McCoy, when did you learn to sign your name?
AMOS: [pause] Same time I learned to read!
[Miss Feeney returns with Amos' stack of books]
DOROTHY: There, all checked out for you.
AMOS: Oh, thank you ... Dorothy.
[George angrily slams his book shut]
AMOS: Too bad George don't read some'a them good books.
DOROTHY: Oh, I'm sure George enjoys what he reads.
AMOS: Well, I don't think he's so good on the books with the big words in 'em!
GEORGE: Well, at least I read well enough to obey the signs!
AMOS: Wadda ya mean?
GEORGE: Up there ...
[he points at the "No Smoking" sign above the table, then Amos (after hesitating) takes his hat off]
AMOS: Oh ... I never seen it.
[Miss Feeney gives him a confused look, as George busts up laughing]
AMOS: What ya laughin' at, George?
[he justs laugh louder, as Amos looks to Miss Feeney]
AMOS: Guess ol' George is crackin' up!
[Amos gets up and pats George on the shoulder, as he begins laughing himself]
AMOS: Well, at least ya gotta give George credit for one thing! He can laugh at his own short-comins'!
[Miss Feeney has invited Amos and George to her home for refreshments, as Amos takes a book off her shelf while she and George sit on the couch next to each other]
AMOS: Yep, ol' Teach used to say, rest his soul ... "Amos, if ya don't learn nothing else, learn ta appreciate good readin'."
[George ignores him and scooches a little closer to Miss Feeney]
GEORGE: This is mighty tasty cake, Miss Feeney.
DOROTHY: Thank you, George.
GEORGE: What else did your teacher tell ya, Amos?
AMOS: Well, let's see now--
DOROTHY: George, would you do me a favor?
GEORGE: It would be a pleasure, Miss Feeney!
DOROTHY: Would you go in and heat up some more water for the tea? The kettle's still on the stove.
GEORGE: Oh, sure.
[he gets up to leave]
AMOS: And don't hurry back, George. Y'know the old saying? "Three'a a crowd?"
[George leaves, as Amos hands Miss Feeney the book he was holding]
AMOS: Now there's one'a my fav-rite books!
DOROTHY: Amos ...
AMOS: Uh, must'a read it ten times if I read it once!
[she suddenly notices the book cover ("How to Knit in Ten Easy Lessons" by Evalyn Fowler)]
DOROTHY: Amos, come sit here next to me.
AMOS: Uh, don't mind if I do ...
[he sits down on the couch]
DOROTHY: Amos, you don't have to pretend with me. I'm your friend.
AMOS: Well, maybe only read it three or four times ...
DOROTHY: Amos ...
AMOS: [pause] Twice?
DOROTHY: Dear Amos, it's no disgrace not to be able to read or write.
AMOS: Ya know?
DOROTHY: I know.
AMOS: How'd ya find out?
DOROTHY: Remember that sign in the library?
AMOS: The one I took my hat off to?
DOROTHY: It says ... "No Smoking."
AMOS: Oh, I see. That's what George was laughin' at.
DOROTHY: Oh Amos, don't take it so seriously. It really doesn't matter.
AMOS: [pause] I best be goin' now, Miss Feeney.
[he gets up and heads for the door]
DOROTHY: Amos, please don't go.
AMOS: Oh, I think I bettah ... Three's a crowd, y'know.
DOROTHY: Now Amos ...
AMOS: Uh, them books in mah car, I'll drop 'em off tomorrow for them that can read. And ya might tell George for me, he had the last laugh after all.
[George visits Amos in the middle of the night to apologize, nearly scaring his family half to death (thinking there might be a chicken thief on their property)]
GEORGE: Amos, I just had ta come over and have a little talk with ya. I haven't slept a wink thinkin' about what I did to ya!
AMOS: Well, you're too late with your thinkin'!
GEORGE: You know all about this, huh?
KATE: Yes George, Grampa told us.
GEORGE: Amos, a woman brings out the beast in a man ... No offense, Kate.
KATE: No, George.
AMOS: Now if you've had yer say, we wanna get back to bed!
GEORGE: Amos, I don't know how I coulda done such a terrible thing to ya! You, m-my best friend ... The devil musta got me!
AMOS: Well, if he's figurin' on bein' a friend'a yours, he better watch his-self!
LUKE: Look Grampa, seein' as how George has apologized to ya, why don't you two just shake hands and start all over again with Miss Feeney?
[George sticks his hand out, but Amos ignores him and points angrily at Luke]
AMOS: Luke, the first thing in the mornin', I'm returnin' dem five books I took out! Then I wanna forgot about liberries, the people what runs liberries, and the people that goes in liberries!
KATE: Maybe they can best work this out alone ... Night!
LUKE: Uh, goodnight, George.
[they head back into the house]
GEORGE: Amos, please, like I said--
AMOS: [shouting] Goodnight, she's all yours!
[he storms back into the house]
[Amos angrily walks into the library carrying his books, when he overhears George talking to Miss Feeney]
GEORGE: [from off camera] And you can add to that list, being terribly tempered. And ... uh, cowardly.
DOROTHY: [from off camera] Oh, now George!
GEORGE: [from off camera] No, I mean it! And tricky and shiftless, too!
[Amos moves some books on the shelf to spy on them from the other side]
AMOS: [whispering] He ain't run me down enough already?
[cut to a shot of George and Miss Feeney through the bookshelf]
GEORGE: And don't let's forget about being ... full of foul-type language, also!
DOROTHY: I'm sure you're exaggerating.
GEORGE: Oh, if you wanna know the truth, I ain't told ya the half of it! It so happens ... that I'm selfish, and I'm unfeelin'. No, Miss Feeney, I ain't the man for you.
[cut back to Amos, who has a big smile on his face]
GEORGE: [from off camera] Amos McCoy is.
AMOS: [whispering] Why that ol' devil!
[cut back to George and Miss Feeney]
GEORGE: And I'm insincere. And I'm nasty mean!
[cut back to Amos]
AMOS: Don't forget to tell her ya snore in your sleep!
[cut back to George and Miss Feeney]
GEORGE: Thank you ... And I snore in my sleep.
[he stops and looks around, then Amos goes and confronts the pair]
GEORGE: Oh, hello Amos. Uh, what're ya doin' here?
AMOS: Listenin' to some'a the best lyin' I heard in years!
GEORGE: Now wait, Amos, everythin' I said about myself--
AMOS: Now look Miss Feeney, George McMichael is one'a the finest, nicest, most polite-est--
GEORGE: Now hold on, Amos! I-I guess I oughta know more about me than you do, and I say that I'm just--
[Miss Feeney smiles and motions for them to stop]
DOROTHY: Now stop, both of you! Oh, you sweet wonderful men! I just can't wait until Cecil meets you!
DOROTHY: Oh, Cecil Norton. An old friend from Wilkes Barre. He telephoned me long distance late last night and ... of all things, proposed!
AMOS: [pause] Well, that's goin' pretty far, ain't it?
GEORGE: And his name is Ce ... uh, Cecil?
DOROTHY: That's right ... Oh, I'm just sure the three of you--
[a bell rings at the front desk]
DOROTHY: Excuse me a minute.
GEORGE: Cecil from Wilkes Barre ... Can ya imagine that?
AMOS: George, y'know, it's just a gol-durn shame the way our American girls is a-fallin' for them foreign fellas!
The Real McCoys
"The New Librarian" (Season 4, Episode 6)
Aired Nov 24, 1960
The rivalry between Grampa and George flares up again with the arrival of a pretty librarian.
Grampa Amos McCoy
Little Luke (1957-1962)
Kate McCoy (1957-1962)